Shame, Shame, Shame

"I guess I'm saying that you may deserve some level of celebration for what you went through, but Kurt deserves something for what he did to care for you. What he doesn't deserve a wife who cheats on him right in front of his eyes."

"Mom, I didn't cheat on him."

"You think you didn't cheat? Then let me ask you this: Would you have been willing to do what you did with those men in front of your father, rest his soul?" After hearing nothing from Sheila, her mother said, "I thought so."

"Mom, I'm sorry. I just wanted to enjoy the attention of other men I never had before. I want to stay married to Kurt. I want to have his children. I want to grow old with him."

"Then act like it. Beg his forgiveness. Forget all this 'fun with other men' nonsense. Behave like you were brought up to behave."

Sheila was crying after the call, but again the phone rang. She was hoping it was Kurt, so she could begin apologizing. It was Kurt's brother Cameron.

"Hi Cameron. You calling to jump on me too?"

"I figured other people were calling when I kept getting a busy signal. I don't know what they said to you, but I think they don't know what I know. I am breaking a promise to Kurt with what I'm going to tell you."

"Let me have it. I think I'm too numb to get more upset than I am."

"You know that Kurt used all of his sick leave and vacation leave. You know that he got Family Leave. Did you know that Family Leave only meant his job would be waiting for him? Did you know he got no salary but still had to pay for the health insurance he had on you?"

"No, I thought he still got his salary."

"His company doesn't do that. It's not required. Anyway, did you know that your health insurance only paid 80% of the costs?"

"That's most of it."

"It may be a lot, but your medical expenses were astronomical. He had to sacrifice a huge amount to pay your co-pay. Did you know he wiped out your savings?"

"I knew he wiped out our emergency fund. Was that not enough?"

"Not hardly. Do you remember what he inherited from our grandfather?"

"Yes, his gold coin collection. Kurt calls that our special retirement fund. The coins are in a safe deposit box at the bank."

"They WERE in the safe deposit box. Kurt had to sell them to help pay YOUR bills."

"I didn't know. They were his proudest possession."

"He also had to take out a loan against his pension fund, his life insurance, and your home's equity."

"I had no idea."

"Why do you think you didn't know? Could it be he wanted to protect you from more stress? Could it be that he was willing to do anything to help you? You had no idea, as if you cared. When you got your bigger boobs, you stopped caring about anything else except prick-teasing other men. You forgot the one person who did the most to get you through your cancer ordeal. I hope like hell he divorces you, but he probably can't afford it. Shit, you probably don't even know that all these nights he has been 'working late,' he had been delivering pizza to make extra money."

"What? He's a professional. He wouldn't stoop to delivering pizza."

"He would and did sacrifice his pride and his wealth to make sure your bills got paid. How have you rewarded him? You let other men do things with you that no husband, much less one who has loved you so much, would do. I am disgusted with you. You have no shame. I just pray that you don't stay a member of this family much longer." Cameron hung up.

"Wait. I love Kurt. I didn't mean to hurt him." Again, she was talking to herself.

Sheila sobbed deeply as she made an attempt to reconstruct the memories of how Kurt had treated her and how she had treated him. He always told her she was beautiful, and he loved her no matter how she looked. Kurt had to say those things. He was her husband. The compliments from other men meant more because they didn't have to say them. "Oh God, I've gotten everything twisted around." She came to the conclusion that she had become a selfish bitch and deserved to be punished. "I need to apologize and ask to be punished in some way other than divorce. I hope I'm not too late."

Kurt refused to talk to her during the 90-day period. He came to the house for their divorce-or-not meeting. Sheila prepared his favorite meal, dressed up, and waited anxiously for his arrival.

He knocked at the door. In the middle of her telling him he didn't have to knock at his own house, she stopped from the shock at his appearance. He was skinnier than she had ever seen him. Kurt looked as bad as she had during the worse days of chemo. Tears came to her eyes. She hugged him but the hug was not returned.

Kurt spoke, "Let's get this over with."

Sheila unleashed her flood of regrets. "Kurt, I am so sorry. I went off the deep end. I was so wrapped up in showing off the improvements in my body that I neglected the most precious thing in the world to me: you. Everyone has told me how ashamed I should be for how I treated you. They are absolutely right."

Kurt was not moved. "So, have you gotten your need to 'play' with other men out of your system?"

"Kurt, I never had any contact with any men after that disastrous night at the restaurant. Some of the men called me for a date with sex obviously on their mind. It was like a slap in the face every time. I can't believe I acted in a way that made other men think I would want to have sex with them."

"So, what about the divorce?"

"I don't want a divorce. I want the chance to make it up to you. I will be the best wife ever. I want to have your children and grow old with you."

"Unfortunately, I want a divorce, but I can't afford it. I still have a lot of debt to repay. It would be close to impossible if I have to give you money after our divorce and be able to support myself in another place. As much as seeing you reminds me of what we had that you willingly tossed away, I am resigned to living in the same house with you until I am caught up on our debts. I will not, however, be sharing a bedroom with you. There will be no having children. I expect us to share chores just as before. I ask that you give me at least 24 hours-notice before you bring one of your men to the house. That will give me enough time to arrange to stay at my brother's or a friend's house."

"Kurt, I will take any deal that means you and I are living together. I will show you over time that you can trust me again. I will not date, much less bring any men to OUR home. You are the only man I want. I am hoping you will love me again even though I don't deserve it." Sheila began to get more hopeful.

"You need to know that there may be nights I will not be coming home until really late.

"Why's that?"

"I have extended the hours I am delivering pizza to make money as quickly as possible. In addition, there is a woman who delivers pizza for a similar reason as I have. Rather than get a divorce, her husband just abandoned her and their daughter a bunch of years ago. She still has to work a full-time job and the pizza delivery job to make ends meet. Anyway, I really enjoy her companionship. We enjoy just talking to each other. Sometimes we are up really late. It reminds me of the talks we used to have. I don't want to give it up at this point. And no, we are not having sex."

Sheila was devastated. She had assumed her apology and agreement to be punished would be enough to get Kurt back. It seemed it had worked as he was going to move back in, but then he added he was sort of dating someone else. They hadn't had sex, he said but Sheila heard a loud, though unspoken, YET. Her efforts at reconciliation had failed. Kurt had divorced her in reality although not in paperwork. She was hurt. She felt betrayed. She felt angry. She wanted revenge. If he can date, so can she.

One night when Kurt was with his pizza delivery woman, Sheila met up with David again. He was one of the few husbands that made it clear that bedding her would be worth whatever risk there was in being caught by his wife. She also knew that by asking David out, there would be no mistaken opinion of what would be expected: sex.

There was sex, but it was nowhere near what Sheila had hoped for. Average size, below average technique, and premature ejaculation. To get him to leave, she had to give him a blowjob. She spat it out. It was the worst tasting cum she had ever tasted. She went to bed crying. "What the hell am I doing? This is not the way to get what I want. I want my husband back."

It was the next morning before Sheila got an idea. She remembered when she was sick, she asked Kurt why he was so good to her. He replied, "'in sickness and in health' was what we promised. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't take care of the wife I love over all others." That's the key. If I was sick again, Kurt would come running to take care of me."

Sheila didn't figure she could fake a serious illness, so she went with a botched suicide attempt. She read up on acetaminophen which she took at night to help her sleep. 4000 mg was the daily limit. Sheila figured 8000 mg would put her out but not kill her. The trick was someone finding her fairly soon after she took the pills. One day she confirmed with Kurt that he would be back at 5:00 that day. At 4:00, she took the pills and went into a deep sleep.

The first thing Sheila woke up to were bright lights, tubes, and monitors. A female voice said, "She's awake doctor." A male in a white coat came next to her bed.

"How do you feel, Sheila?"

"Like shit, doctor. How am I?"

"It appears that you took an overdose of acetaminophen. Luckily, it wasn't a lethal dose. You do, however, need to be monitored for liver damage. It may not sound too serious, but liver transplants are very hard to get good matches from donors. You were lucky to be found when you were. The gentleman who found you has been waiting to see you."

"My husband, Kurt. Can I see him now?"

"Sure, I'll have him come in."

Sheila was prepared to do a 'poor me' act to gain Kurt's sympathy, but was shocked to see his brother Cameron instead. "Cameron, where's Kurt? Have him come in."

Cameron teared up. "I'm the one who found you, Sheila. Kurt is here in the hospital, but he is not coming to see you."

"Why not? We're still married. I'm going to need his help again. This time I will be grateful and stay grateful. Please ask him to come. I want to see him. I need him."

"Sheila, he found out about you and David and . . . "

"But that was after he told me about dating that slut from the pizza place."

Cameron commented, "Did he tell you that she was in her 60's? He said it was like having his mother to talk to again. I doubt their so-called 'dates' ever made it to the bedroom."

"Oh crap. I have even more to apologize for. Can't I do anything right? Cameron, I have to see him. Please, is there any way you could convince him to come see me?"

"No. There is no way he can come. I have certainly thought about how I could help you see him again. Sheila, the only way you're going to see Kurt is for me to kill you or for you to be successful in a real suicide attempt."

"You're talking crazy? Tell me where he is, and I will go see him myself."

"Sheila, the reason I was the one who found you is that I was coming to tell you that Kurt was dead."

"What? How? Don't lie to me."

"He drove his car onto the railroad tracks on Edmonson Street and stopped. He left me a voice mail saying he had just found out about you and David. David couldn't keep from bragging. Kurt said to tell you that he never regretted one minute he spent taking care of you when you had cancer, he never regretted going in debt to pay for your care, and he was ecstatic that you survived. What he regretted was that his love and sacrifice was never appreciated by you and you repaid him by becoming a slut. He said that he was hurting so much, death will be a relief."

Sheila was crying, "Are you telling the truth?"

"Well, not completely. Kurt used a nicer word than slut."

"So, Sheila, if you want to see Kurt, just go down to the Morgue. I wouldn't advise it though. Being hit by a train rips up a body something terrible. If you really want to see the husband you killed, you have to die. And that's assuming you don't go to Hell. You know how people say they are 'dying' to see someone. Well, that's literally what you will have to do."

Cameron started leaving the room. He turned around for one final comment, "Don't take too long, you hear?"