All Comments on 'Shawn and Kendall Ch. 05-06'

Okay, so I believe that you might have a continuity error:

"Then, suddenly, Shawn apologized at the register as he pulled his wallet out and added another item to his order. He felt terrible for leaving rudely and wanted to get Kendall her favorite thing there, which he knew by heart."

---Didn't Kendall just raid his wallet and take all of the cash that he had in it. How is he supposed to pay for the 🌯 burritos? Maybe a small edit about retrieving his debit card or a credit card and handing it over at the cash register is needed here. I'm the world's worst at writing in too many details, but I think that it's definitely warranted in this instance.

I also paused over the thing with Kendall looking at her phone and seeing a text bubble indicating that Shawn was typing only to have nothing arrive on her phone when he stopped. Again, I understand where you were trying to go with that, but I've only seen that before on my personal computer and NOT my phone. Maybe Apple iPhone have such a feature, but android certainly doesn't.

Kudos for your two and a half page expansion this time. I didn’t feel like I had reached the end merely seconds after I began reading. That was much better! And 4 or 5 pages worth would be perfect. 👌 5/5

Enough already. Let’s get on with it.

FINALLY!! A very good brother/sister story with LOTS of buildup. This is how a story should be told. As long as NO ONE ELSE gets involved with them, this will definitely be a 5* story.

FINALLY!! A very good brother/sister story with LOTS of buildup. This is how a story should be told. As long as NO ONE ELSE gets involved with them, this will definitely be a 5* story.

Scottish: I too caught the Big Burrito Blunder that went unexplained—bugged me for a

couple of paragraphs, then I got on with my life.

SnKS: I’m really getting anxious about where this relationship is going. Would be neat for

you to describe the look on Bradley’s face when he finally learns he lost out to Kendall’s

brother (and that he was impotent)!

M

I am completely invested in this! Please continue! The only thing I can comment on is I wish the chapters were longer because I'm so into it

sooo good!

This is a great story. I like the long slow buildup and how you develop the characters. Subtlety and nuance are the foundation for good writing. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Y'all are impatient. Good things come to those who wait!

The quality of the writing just keeps getting better and better with each chapter.

No, let's not get on with it – in response to one of the earlier points; this is a perfect pace, literary foreplay and edging to maximum effect.

Beautiful writing!