All Comments on 'She Gambled'

Grandfathers middle name is "Deus ex Machina" ;-)

Really top drawer writing thanks for swimming with the sharks in LW

Enjoyed it. Good storytelling

Sorry, but I found the characters particularly stupid.

This unfortunately detracted from the pleasure of reading this story.

I like it but it was too easy for the main characters.

Loved it.

Could have been better though.

Keep writing

4.5/5

Well done! 5.

This was a good story, although it was definitely twisted. This was above average for what is submitted in this category these days.

An enjoyable read. The ending was too contrived and, in my opinion, detracted from the story.

Pretty well worn storyline about family business gone wrong but still entertaining. I struggled a little following the character depth relative to their actions. Too lazy to look back, but Jake’s father wasn’t Randall at the start? Recommend getting editor to help linking plot point more cohesively. 3.6*

Parts of the story were confusing with Rufus, Rufus Jr., and Rufus Sr.. the odd twist with Jake’s grandfather being his father. Still 4 stars.

Good solid LW story!

Good story - the characters were hard to follow as others have pointed out.

What detracted from the story for me was the treatment of the two children. Despite the biology, Jake was their father. He raised them and presumably loved them, even lessening his workload to spend more time with them.

They would complete mental cases at this point. They just learned that their father was not their biological father and their bio father wanted to molest his daughter. Their mother was a complete fraud and never loved them enough to be truthful with them. Yes, Jake eneded up providing for them financially but only after the insistance of his mother and girlfriend. That to me makes him somewhat despicable and a complete contrast to the character you developed.

I would have thought that this character, as well as Gemma, would have insisted that Brian live with them and provide a home for Olivia away from college. None of this was their fault and now they have a shell of a mother, a bio father/ uncle and a grandfather in Federal prison for betraying their country among other things, and the father they knew wanting minimal contact and involvement with them. Lowered my score by 2 points.

That is one messed up family!

Thanks author. I enjoyed the tale.

Loved this very plausible story. Thank you for your effort.

Ed

Terrific! I really enjoyed your story!

Your pacing is excellent and felt very much

Like the writing of one of the LIT elites.

Great job..a big 5 stars!

You never know who is who until the time comes. A good story, but for a moment it seemed as if Jacob was the grandfathers son. Why didn't the old man notice his son and grandson embezzling funds beforehand?

great story well written keep it up

Too predictable for my tastes, but it is Literotica after all.

If you want to have your scene set in the United States, then you need someone to clean it up so it is written in "American," instead of English.

With a good editor, this had the potential to be a really good story. But there is too much magical money fairy dust and things happening for readers to really sink their teeth into. The first two pages were solid, then it went off the rails.

It doesn't read like an edited story. Adjectives are in the wrong order multiple times, as if English is not your first language. Brook and Gemma's names got mixed up towards the end. Jr/Sn descriptives to go with a name would normally occur in contiguous generations, not skip one as you have used. Apart from that, not a bad story. 4.

Very odd story.

Cookie-cutter BTB story.

You need to keep writing. Your prose and dialogue are rough and stilted. You have a fairly decent plot, you just need more practice I think in order to express yourself completely. 3/5

A great if well used plot idea, but the execution was tedious and too contrived. I just skipped to the end to see how you would manipulate the details to sink Brooke and to save Jake and Gemma. Kind of predictable, and therefor boring. Over written and under whelming.

"When she confronted Rufus he laughed in her face," -He can laugh in her face all he wants, that shouldn't stop her from filing a paternity suit.

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"She got her kick out of the fact that she got away with it." -Rufus is a loser, and Jake's a prize, but she fucks Rufus just because she could "get away with it?"

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"Slowly his campaign had an effect." - Is she an idiot? She KNOWS better!

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Since his kids knew how their mother treated him, I'm surprised that they took her side so quickly.

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"If he found out that the children were not his, that would stop immediately" - Maybe the rules are different in the Netherlands, but in the US you can't get out of child support after years of accepting paternity. Since the IRS an FBI are involved, it's the US, and if we're talking about foreign entities, that would bring in the CIA.

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"I feel you will be a rebound" - She's hardly a rebound since she was his first.

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The names are confusing. Rufus, Jr. is the asshole, but his father is Jack, Jr. and the grandfather is Rufus, Sr.? So who is Jack, Sr.? While it's not carved in stone, Sr. and Jr, are normally used for father and son. When named after an ancestor, Rufus, II would normally be used.

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"Rufus Sr. was besieged by his son Randall" - "Randall?" I thought it was Jack, Jr.

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"I'll see to it that you get nothing, little rat." - How does he propose to do that?

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WAY too convoluted! His grandfather is his father, his "father" and "brother" are embezzling and selling state secrets?

Enjoyed it, even if it WAS a bit too OTTin several places, AND that how it was going to end was telegraphed early and often.

.

The complex family history revealed at the end with Jake being Grandpa’s kid was really dumb. A huge plot hole was that this being the case, grandpa allowed Jake to be ruined even though he knew how rotten Rufus, Randell, and Brooke were. And with all his resources and moxey, Gramps wasn’t able to figure out that Gemma wasn’t around when Brooke accused Jake of adultery with her?

.

Still….enjoyed it.

.

4 ****

Well written, but tedious.

Started out well then veered off into ridiculous.

Like all of your stories I enjoyed it. 4stars. Was halfway through the story before Randall was called out by name instead of Jake’s father or Rufus Jrs father. That made for confusing reading. Named Sr Jr and 3rd would have much clearer for reading.

A successful swimmer with a distance of 10 kilometers open water and a huge penis? This is nonsense! First, it's windage (or whatever it's called in hydrodynamics) and no wetsuit can help here - they want a perfect fit for the body's curves, and there's this "outstanding asymmetrical bulge" down one of the legs. Second, do you really think mermaids, lustful creatures of the deep sea, wouldn't notice his "huge moray eel"? If they caught a glimpse of such a magnificent ichthyander specimen, they'd rip his wetsuit off and drag him down to the bottom of the ocean, singing their siren song...

Excellent story. All neatly tied up with a most satisfactory ending. Five stars with regret unable to award more.

Well, this is one rare tale with all the required parts in place: well written, good developed plot, good realistic characters, good amount of tension and ... it's not one of the usual annoying and totally unrealistic femdom cuck-raac fantasies. Besides, it's a rare real BTB tale, not one of the fake-BTB, where the slut betrayer wife never pay for her disgusting behaviour. This tale should serve as an example to follow on how to make a good well balanced story. So, needless to say: 5+ well deserved stars.

Excellent story, if a little confusing in some parts. A solid five star offering and I'll certainly be looking out for this author's future works.

JR

good story. I also did have trouble following the character names. I think there were a couple of spots where the wrong name was attributed to the speech which didn't help. I know when I am writing, getting the characters straight is a bit of a struggle.

Very nice, 5/5

That worked well. 5*. Some twists that were nicely hidden, but which were signposted earlier in the story.

I am sorry. I enjoyed the story up to the search warrant for DNA. I am uncertain what the law is where you set this story, but you need probable cause in the US for that kind of warrant. And the fact that police would be willing to put their hands on someone who refused what is a CIVIL matter is a bridge too far—especially on someone who is white, wealthy, etc. Oh, yes. serving a warrant as if it were a drug bust? That is a suspension of disbelief that is longer than the Golden Gate Bridge!

And you don‘t have probable cause…

So, it took me out of the story. You didn’t need it. Rufus will be fine after he sues the shit out of the police…

It feels like this was written in haste without a lot of forethought. Stock characters with weak motivations, improbable choices by the villains, unlikely reactions by the main characters, the whole thing cobbled together with sticky tape and baling wire. I started thinking I should stop reading by page two, but I stuck it out because I liked another story of yours and I hoped this one would get better. It didn't.

This is weird!!

At time of writing it was rated 4.4. This very high.

I read it. I read the comments. It's like there are two stories.

Some loved it, a fair view didn't.

I think it's total twaddle and a waste of my time, so I'm wasting some more writing this.

Mind you, if Harry in Va comments he'll fill pages!

I really enjoyed the story. I felt the story delivered some clever writing. (The Edmund Dantes reference sent me to Google as I haven't read Monte Cristo in decades:) The names were a bit confusing. Randall being named as a character earlier would have saved some of that. Also, a grandson is typically not a "Jr", but sometimes a II (second). Another point of confusion. Still, none of that, along w/ the fast & loose legal interpretation of how DNA samples are obtained was enough to move me off 5 stars.

Very well done

5-stars.

You know, when the big meet is begun and the rabbits start jumping out of the lawyer's hat at the end of the story it takes a master's hand to make it all weave and flow together. This one didn't quite make it. There's over the top and there's launched into outer space.

Excellent story Josh, glad I started following you, thanks! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS! Can't get any higher or hotter than that! Thanks, Loved the story, well written!

Your writing was too scattered. 2 stars.

First, that was just painful to read. The number of grammatical errors was staggering. It ran the the gamut with a lot of wrong word choices, missing words, changes in tense, etc.

/

However, that wasn't the worst part of the story. No, what was worse was your use of names. First of all, when a child is named after his (supposed) grandfather, he is a II, not a Jr. Sr and Jr is a father and son combination only. II is used for all other instances of naming a child after a close family member. So, calling him Rufus Jr was distracting. Then, you kept using "Rufus's" without specifying which Rufus you were talking about. Even before knowing that Randall was not Jake's father and making all of the times you said "Jake's father" wrong, you bounced between "Rufus's father" and "Jake's father". Not only that, but which one you used was a bit weird at times. For example, you wrote:

:

"What! Jake's father shouted, "Why not. He's allowed to defend himself against those ludicrous allegations, isn't he? The company has very able lawyers to counter this slander."

:

Why refer to him as Jake's father in this instance? Jake is not present, but Rufus is. Further, he's clearly acting on behalf of Rufus, not Jake, so it makes no sense to refer to him from the perspective of Jake rather than Rufus.

/

Finally, though, the killing blow for this story was the convoluted genetic revelations. Besides being ridiculous and unbelievable, it breaks the earlier story as it would put Anna on Team Grandpa Rufus and thus Team Jake, not Team Rufus the Dufus. It also calls into question why Rufus Sr allowed the two unrelated morons to do so much harm to his company for so long.

/

So, in conclusion, it was a good premise and mostly decent story line that could have been a good story with a a rewrite of the ending and then a bit of polishing.

Decent plot. The story took too long to tell. It could have been shorter.

3 stars for a fairly decent BTB story.

However, you still have a long way to go, because your first language is not English, nor have you lived in North America, if ever. My only suggestion would be for you to base your stories in North Western Europe - an area and languages you might be more familiar with.

Have a nice day.

Almost impossible to follow. Should be half as long. If you have editor, fire them.

I did laugh at this:

"Since Leon witnessed his wife dying a horrible death he founded, together with some other people, a small private clinic where the passing from life will be eased."

So leon killed his wife?

Get an editor

I had to face-palm when I read about Brooke watching Jake finish swimming. "Later she heard that Jake had a swimmer's physique." No, really?!? Imagine that, a swimmer having a swimmer's physique.

An automatic loss of a star, due to the name screw-up. It was especially bad in that you had Brooke threatening herself: "'Answer me! Do you understand? You've hurt Jake enough and this will stop here and now. Do you understand what I am saying?' Brooke (Gemma) said very forcefully, almost shouting." This wouldn't have gotten better than 3 stars from me anyhow, due the numerous editing errors, but that was a monumental eff up. I have no clue how you missed that one, so close to the end of the story.

Major plot hole: The reason that Brooke used for divorcing Jake and turned his kids and family - (kids, parents abd grandfather (initially) was that he was having an affair with Gemma. Jake just accepted this and ran away,?? He didn't bother to find Gemma ( very easy to do these days - its called the world wide web) and provide proof that she was living thousands of miles away?? How could they not find Jake? These are professional people. They have LinkedIn profiles and can probably be Googled. No one, even grandpa questioned this alledged affair by the Boy Scout- like grandson? If he was that smart, wouldn't he know Rufus was a doofas and incapable of running a company's?... and he seemed to know Jake was?

Premise was just too implausible and I started skimming after it became apparent that these characters were too stupid to build a decent story around.

Top five star notch. An easy read.

Enjoyable story!

5

I'm not sure what kind of psychotropic drugs the previous anonymous commenter is on when he read this, but the writing is all over the place and reads like a 12 yo wrote it... it got so bad I had to stop reading... just completely quit it go so bad on the 2nd page... 2 stars for trying... I guess... though, you might want to pursue another hobby.

Great story. Cheating wife , her lover, and evil Daddy all burned to ashes, and a happy ending for the decent characters. What more do you need in a story.

I appreciate the authors and their stories and this story is easy to read as well as enjoyable. I don't look for plot holes, bad grammar, punctuation or spelling errors. If I have to read a sentence or a whole paragraph to understand what is going on in a story, so be it. It's not like the world will end because of it.

Thank you for your story JoshFrom53 and keep writing.

It seems that every jerk that reads a story here and makes comments that are NOT constructive to the author expect the quality of a world class novel. This is not a writing class in some university, where all stories are submitted to be graded by an instructor. (more like class clowns).

That trope of the wronged cuck acting all magnanimous when he eventually comes on top, is tired. He had absolutely no reason to care for her in the slightest. In other stories there is the flimsy excuse of "because the mother of my kids". But they aren't even his kids, just two selfish brats. But we have to present him as a saint with a martyr complex so he arranges stuff to help her. No wonder he got cucked and almost lost everything to people actually willing to protect their interests. And saved from outside intervention.

Great story!

A very entertaining and well told story. Human disaster is never pleasant, but it was exciting to follow the plot! 5*!

Never … I mean NEVER take a good man for granted like this bitch did for it will come back to you in spades like just happened in this story for she really "Gambled and lost!". 5 Stars!

You don't have to be a saint because you love the kids you raised he was the only father they knew and it takes more than dna to be a parent

I was thinking four stars, but am settling on three for an Average story. Just too many blemishes throughout, and the tale could have been told more smoothy with fewer pages.

JPB NOT BOB

Cute, but very confusing at times. Still, a happy ending. The Bear gives it 5 stars.

The BEAR

Posted for less than five full days and 65 comments-WOW

I think the rating is a bit low. Clever plot, Clear, well-defied characters who act consistently.

I think the author should have posted it in Romance as it has the classic Romance traits and ends with a happily ever after.

The Hoary Cleric

Not a Literotica member, but a reader for more than a decade.

This is a great story. I loved the twists and turns. I also like the small amount of compassion that he had on his ex.

The family relationships got a little confusing at times but after reading it twice I finally understood.

Can’t wait to read more.

5 PAGES too fucking long. Asshole should have had a DNA test at the outset. His parents and brother were bitches who didn't deserve forgiveness. His asshole grandfather allowed his son to mistreat Jake.

Dumb Dumb Dumb

Rufus Sr was another asshole and part of the problem. Cuck gave a bastard control of his company. Enter the FBI and it's another fuck up.

I liked this story a lot. 5 stars from Xluckylee. Hope to read many more of your stories.

I enjoyed this one. It’s well written. Using artificial insemination to avenge his wife’s cheating (and create a biological heir) was slick. Anna must have had good reasons to cooperate and remain silent for around 40 years. Exposing Randall as a false heir was fitting. He always planned for Jake to take control, so elevating Randall to CEO, and allowing Rufus Jr a position where he could embezzle, don’t make a lot of sense. “Keep your friends close, and enemies closer” cost him millions.

they got off easy, that bitch would have learned Vietnamese in the whore house she would have died in. The other two would have had accidents as soon as their use to the investigations were over.... very painful and permanent accidents.

All over the place

I will assume the company lost the government contracts because of the security breach.

Jake and Gemma had good heart as we can see. Brooke was always a gold digger and leach on him in the marriage and now afterwards. Someone should be doing time for the fake affidavit used for the divorce. It’s hard to understand Rufus jr. having that much control over Brooke. Thank You for this Wonderful story of Good vs Evil.

The IVF twist was interesting. That doesn't help the godawful sentence structures and massive plot holes. It is incomprehensible to me that more than one commenter stated this was "well written". I could not disagree more.

CINCO ESTRELLAS!

A bit to a crazy plot about the family lines and punishment

I love it when a plan comes together! She got her comeuppance good and solid! Full Marke 5!

Nice idea, it’s easy to slag off a story and the more I read I think I see a paten , it’s the country that the author comes from, how they talk and so write, and now it’s about spell checking and grammar, so I'll refrain from pointing out such things in the future.

I really liked it. The story was good so I can overlook errors which I thought were few. What I don’t understand was why did Brook continue with Rufus? Jake had a bigger dick and was a skilled lover. Jake was a slob, she acknowledged that, and still had another one of his kids! Still it was good. 4 stars is high from me. I’ve been reading this site for 20 years, I’ve only given 3 stories 5 stars.

Good story, keep writing and working on spotting your errors, great job.

English was clearly not the author's first language and at first I thought that was going to be a problem. The joke was on me. The endless witicisms and the European style made this fresh and enjoyable to read. I gave it 5 ***** because... why not?

I READ IT AGAIN...STILL CINCO ESTRELLAS!

I could complain about your English but you wrote a good story and you're English is infinitely better than my dutch ...

I will say the the because a bit frantic... A bit faster to front and a bit slower or more deliberate at the end with have helped. But a great story. Thanks for sharing.

5 *****

The Grandfather/father is a major plot hole in this story that doesn't make sense. If he indeed controlled 70% of the company, why the fuck did he let Randall and Rufus have any part of it over his biological son Jake? It makes zero sense - none of what happened would have happened if the Rufus Sr, hadn't intentionally set fire to everything by allowing the two schmucks to have anything to do with the family company. It's like he set up the exact circumstances intentionally that lead to the cucking of his only son. What a stupid bastard?!

<>

Asides from that, the story is pretty mid and read like a TV guide. No flavor. No description. Just a lot of recounting of events/telling and no showing.

[27.04.24]

Top Shelf!

11/10!!!!!

She continued with Rufus because she thought he was going to be one of the rich and famous.

Also she wasn't very bright.

Wow. He raised and I assume loved his kids for 16 years or so, but then seems to throw them away emotionally. I understand the trauma of finding out that he wasn't the bio father, but come on, he seemed just way too cold about them.