She Kissed Me First!

She Kissed Me First!

I awoke with the sensation that I had just made love. I was actually wet between my legs and my face felt flushed. Then I realized I had just remembered a dream that she was in my arms and we were wrapped up in the pure enjoyment of pleasing each other.

Swearing all the way to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and told myself I was being such an idiot wasting my time and efforts on getting back together with her. How did I ever loose her in the first place, I asked myself. Surely, I didn't know. All I can think about was the loneliness that I felt each and every day since we were no longer together.

Jumping into the shower, I tried to push all those sensual thoughts I was having of her out of my head, but it wasn't working. All I could think of as the water beat down on me, was the wonderful times we showered together and my sexual desires only heightened.

So here's our story;

We met when we were both in our middle to late 30's. Both of us had been married, she was twice divorced and I was a widow for a few years. Neither of us were involved with anyone during that period of time. We worked for the same company, and from the very first time I laid eyes on her, it was as if she had cast a spell on me. There wasn't anything about her that I didn't like. Maybe the smoking, but even that was something I got use to. That faint order of smoke in her hair and the taste of tobacco on her lips reminded me of being intimate with my spouse as he was also a smoker.

It was one afternoon at lunch when she invited me to accompany her on a ride to pick up her 5-year-old daughter from school and bring her to the babysitter.

I jumped at the chance to go along and be alone with her, as I was smitten whenever she looked in my direction or spoke to me.

We got to know eachother rather quickly, and it wasn't long before we spent entire weekends going out to dinner or just hanging in her apartment. I have to admit that I was becoming infatuated with her. She was working full time and trying to finish her degree at a local college. It wasn't long before she graduated and got a teaching job in a nearby high school.

I admired the person she had become. Her accomplishments and her determination raising her daughters and eventually achieving her masters degree.

She was always a very private person and I liked that about her. She kept her life to herself and only shared her intimate thoughts with those she kept close. We talked endlessly all the time, as she let me in on the intimate details of her failed marriage and her childhood. We confided in one another and respected eachother's private dreams and aspirations. It was all the 'unsaid' between us that we understood without having to speak any of the words.

After years of spending all of our time together, going on vacations and sharing all of our most intimate thoughts, the day finally came where our relationship became physical. I was the unsuspecting victim of her blatant question to feel my breast and later while we were watching TV on her couch, she leaned in and kissed me. I say 'victim' as if she had not ventured out and expressed her desire to want me physically, I would have never made a move on her. For all intents and purposes we were both in prior heterosexual relationships and had never did the same sex thing.

I have to say I wasn't appalled at her forwardness. It didn't surprise me or offend me either way. It just seemed so natural as I didn't realize the love we had for eachother would develop into a physical thing. I'm not saying that I didn't welcome her advances. I absolutely went all in when she made her moves on me. She was my best friend, and my confidant. Surely I trusted her and if she wanted to please me physically, I welcomed it. She was the person I was spending all my free time with and I always felt it was never enough. I would leave her and count the minutes until I was with her again. And that was before we were ever intimate.

I can remember that day when she first kissed me. Her lips were soft and her touch was ever so gentle. I know we both closed our eyes and let our imaginations just go wild. As much as I knew it was wrong to get 'involved', the more I wanted her. Kissing her back and exploring eachother's mouths sent tingles down to the pit of my stomach. It was like all the cells in my body were standing at attention and I began to moan as she slipped her hand under my T-shirt to grab and massage my breasts.

As it was so unlike me, I immediately took the lead and pushed her down onto the sofa cushions. I wanted to dominate her. I wanted to take charge of the situation and have her submit to anything that I was about to do. Our lips were locked together as we began grabbing at our clothing haphazardly. I caressed her naked breasts under her pajama top and heard her moan even louder. We were turning eachother on and our wanting turned to pure lust. We knew what we were doing and we knew what it meant. It meant we were expressing our love for one another in the most intimate of ways and it didn't matter that we were both females.

One thing she always did when she got home in the evening was rip off her bra and throw on her PJs. Many evenings while we sat around having tea, I secretly admired her large breasts and found myself starring at her abundant cleavage. It didn't matter what she wore, my eyes were always searching them out, focusing on her nipples.

I was trying to wrap my brain around the fact that it was those very breasts that I admired for so long and was now fondling as I licked and nipped at them. It drove her wild. It was like she wanted me to continue kissing her and having my way now that she revealed herself to me. I nibbled at her ears and kissed her neck down to her breasts. I felt a sense of surrender in every muscle of her body as I began to lick her torso and work my way down between her legs. I wanted to show her how much I cared for her and most of all, I wanted to please her. I wanted her to know that it was ok that she made the first move and the wanting was mutual.

'Let's take this to the bedroom', she whispered in my ear as she rose from the sofa and grabbed my hand leading the way. Just listening to her words caused a jolt of excitement down deep to my soul. I watched her every move as she slid out of her pajama bottoms and walked across the room over to the bed and under the covers. I took in the very site of her nakedness and began to commit the curves of her body to memory. She wasn't embarrassed in the least that I was watching her as she disrobed with pure lust in my eyes. It seemed like she was turned on by it.

Ripping off my own clothes, I jumped onto the bed and cuddled next to her as she turned out the light on the bedside table. We were both smiling from ear to ear and as much as I couldn't make out the complete expression of her face, I knew she was delighted we were finally going to be together and in her very bed! I felt the warmth and comfort engulf me as I wrapped my arms around her.

Kissing her was the best. It's what I remember was the most intimate of our lovemaking which lasted all day and into the night whenever we could get away. The entire world just stood still and my brain could only concentrate on her lips and how aroused I became whenever they met with mine. It felt magical and nothing like I had ever experienced with anyone else. I loved the way she tasted. I loved the way she smelled. Her auburn hair and green eyes and beautiful smile melted my heart every time I set eyes on her. And now she was all mine for the taking.

After being with her numerous times, I realized it was what being in love truly was. I thought I was in love with the man I married so many years before, but this feeling of euphoria whenever I was with her, exceeded how I ever felt about him, ten fold.

I don't feel guilty saying that, as I truly believe if you are to one day meet your soul mate, your true love, your everything, then it doesn't mater what sex they are. I, like so many others, fell in love with my best friend. That's the truth of it and I don't regret a minute of the time we spent together.

So, what happened you ask? Well, ever so slowly, she started to pull away. She stopped calling me just to talk. She became busy with her children or her family and turned down many invites to have dinner or just hang out. I felt it like a dagger slowly inching its way into my heart and having no mercy on me. No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to peak her interest and she declined wanting to be with me most of the time.

I kept thinking that maybe she had met someone else. Maybe there was a new person who was becoming her 'best friend'. I couldn't accept it. I refused to let it happen. I would show up at her apartment unexpectedly just to see if there was any other person hanging around, but there wasn't. She seemed very annoyed that I showed up unannounced, so eventually, I gave up on that too.

Some nights I drove past her apartment to see if there was an unfamiliar car parked there, or if the lights were on. I even tried questioning our mutual friends to see if they would give me any insight as to what was happening in her life. They had no clue that she and I weren't spending time together. Nothing seemed to be different about her to them, as they didn't know how involved our relationship had become.

Before long, things were non existent between us. She moved away and barely kept in touch with me. Once in awhile I would get a birthday or Christmas card from her, but for the most part, she didn't want to be in my life. I felt crushed. I was so hurt as I kept asking myself what could have possibly happened or what could I have possibly said to warrant her cold shoulder.

I tried to forget her. I tried to put her out of my mind, but it was like an impossible task. She was part of my DNA now. I didn't feel like there was a me, without Her. Months turned into years and then a decade before I saw her. That's when the intensity of my wanting her began all over again.

Having dinner at the shore, I saw her at a local restaurant with a couple of other women. They were having drinks and it was obvious that they were enjoying themselves. Yes, I was jealous that they got to share a meal with her and make her laugh and have a good time. I suddenly felt sad, as I wanted so badly to be a part of that. Making her happy just spending time with her. I went over to the table and interrupted:

'Hi there!' I said loudly as they were laughing and I wanted her to notice me starring at her.

'Oh My God, Barb!" she said as she stood up from the table and introduced me as an 'old friend' from her former neighborhood.

Old friend, my ass! Was all I could think to myself as she kissed me on the cheek and invited me to join them. Of course I declined her invitation and told her I had to get back to my friends, which was a total lie. I was with my sister and we had just finished dinner.

'Call me, maybe we can get together soon', she offered.

She had no idea how that sentence lit the embers I still had burning ever so slowly for her. Did she really mean that we could 'get together' again or was that just something she said in front of the others that were with her that had no idea what that might have meant.

'Yeah, maybe. Let's touch base next week. ', I replied and turned away from her retreating to the other side of the restaurant. I was trying to act non-chalant about seeing her again, but deep inside I was sick with envy that I wasn't still with her.

Seeing her again after all those years set me back to that dark place when it was becoming obvious that she didn't want to be with me. It was the ultimate form of rejection and she has no idea of how much it hurt me down to my core. Or does she? Was I just someone she needed to conquer and once she did, she was done with me? No, that couldn't be it as there were true feelings between us. Deep emotional feelings that we shared before all the physical stuff took place.

I went home that night to think about what I was going to do after her invitation to 'get together' with me. I thought maybe I would try and give her a taste of her own medicine and decline her offer if she did call. I know she was very much aware of how much she hurt me by disappearing from my life. It's also a given that she knows I would go to the ends of the earth for her with no questions asked. She knows my undying love for her hasn't waivered and she used it against me by keeping me at a distance. She also knew that I would accept her back on any terms. This is why I was carefully considering not meeting up with her ever again.

Over the next week or so I tried to put that face to face meeting with her out of my mind. I certainly didn't call her and wanted to see if she would venture out and call me. I was secretly hoping that she would.

It was about two weeks later when my phone rang and to my surprise, it was Diane. My heart felt like it skipped a beat and I was so elated that she did call, but hesitant to just give in. Of course, the heart wants what the heart wants, so I agreed to meet her that Friday night just for a drink at a place down the shore.

I don't know why I agreed to it-maybe I figured that after all the years that have passed, it was long enough to put the hurt of what ever happened between us behind and see where things took us from there. I really didn't have any hope that by us seeing each other again we would want to pick up where we left off.

I knew that was a long shot and I figured she was only being polite in suggesting that we meet up again. Like it was something she had to say in front of her friends. Yet, she was the one who called me. So, I asked myself, 'why would she agree to meet with me now after all this time?' Maybe she wants to explain why she vanished from my life. Maybe she realizes that she made a big mistake by abandoning me and wants to come clean and tell me why she left. Only time would tell as Friday was quickly approaching.

Chapter 2

I pulled into the parking lot and didn't see her car so, I waited until I saw her enter and park in a space near the building. Watching her every move as she walked over to me looking as gorgeous as ever. I turned off the engine and stepped out as she approached, kissing me hello on the cheek. I could feel the warmth of her breath as it caressed my face when she leaned in to kiss me. Already, my heart began to flutter.

'Hungry?' she asked

'A little, I guess'. I was hungry for an explanation, not food.

We ordered drinks and sat at a small table near the bar.

'So, how have you been?' she asked casually. I really wanted to say, "How do you fucking think I've been? But I responded;

'I've been ok for the most part. It's been very lonely without you in my life. You were my best friend for years. It was hard not seeing you or spending time with you anymore'.

There I said it. The ball was in her court. So spill your guts and tell me why you left me is what I wanted to blurt out.

'I know I wasn't fair to you, but you have to understand that I was starting to have feelings for someone else and the longer you and I carried on, the harder it was getting for me to tell you'.

I was shocked at her confession. So she did this to 'save' me from being hurt? How crazy was that, as it made no sense at all.

'Really? Who is this person anyway? I asked.

'You don't know him. He's another teacher at the high school. His name is Richard. He taught Language Arts and it seemed we were very attracted to each other from the very first day of school. For the longest time I tried ignoring his flirting, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it. After a few months of meeting up with him I knew I had to end it with you.'

I was crushed. There was someone else! Why didn't I see the signs, I asked myself. I didn't want to look at her, as I was so disappointed at what she had just told me and with no empathy in her voice at all! It was just as a matter of fact kind of statement.

'So, why didn't you just tell me? Why weren't you honest and explain to me that you were falling for someone else?' I could barely get out the words.

"I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I knew how much it was going to hurt if I told you I was interested in pursuing someone else, especially a guy. So I took the coward's way out and removed myself from the situation.'

'I can't believe this!' was all I could say as I listened intently.

'Listen, I should never have let things go as far as they did between us. Yes, I admit it was great and I loved being with you, but I'm sorry if our involvement created expectations for you that I just couldn't keep up with. I know I initiated it with you and not the other way around, but you were not exactly innocent in this whole thing either'.

'So what you are saying is that you regret us having been intimate with one another?' I asked her.

'No, my only regret is that I had to hurt you in the long run and there was no way out except to just walk away and pretend that 'we' never happened.'

I was speechless as I watched her facial expressions as she spoke. A tear escaped the corner of my eye and fell onto the table as I wiped it away with my sleeve of my shirt.

'I know I hurt you deeply Barb, but that wasn't my intention at all. I loved you and I probably still do,' she admitted.

What was I suppose to say to that, I asked myself? So I ignored what she said and asked, "So where is this Richard now?'

"He and I moved in together as it seemed like something we both wanted to do at the time, but it didn't last. He started cheating on me and I ended it'.

"Wow. That must have been rough. Finding out that someone you had feelings for had feelings for someone else'. Of course I was throwing back to her exactly what she did to me.

'I guess I loved him more than he loved me', she said. 'I never thought he would be unfaithful. It was so stupid of me.'

'Really. I know how that goes. You know I loved you more than anything in the world but it just wasn't enough for you, I guess.'

'It was more than enough', she said as she reached across the table and grabbed my hand rubbing her fingers over mine. I slipped my hand away from hers and placed them in my lap.

'I guess it was because no matter what, I knew you would always be there,' she said.

'I don't know how I feel about this'. I admitted. 'I just can't erase all the years of not having you in my life because you are now available', I said with a good amount of hurt in my voice.

'I understand. Let's take it slow and see where this goes from here', she kind of asked wanting me to agree to her stupid compromise.

I knew I was vulnerable and in all probability would wind up falling in love with her all over again. You can't just step back in time and forget about the years that have passed and all the hurt that went along with it. But I know how strongly I felt about her then, as it was all rushing back to my brain reeking havoc with my emotions.

Trying to grasp the conversation we just had, I didn't want to look at her. I was so angry at everything she said. What she told me about this Richard guy, what she said about not wanting to hurt me, but she ultimately, did. I couldn't forget all the pain and heartbreak she put me through. All the sleepless nights I cried wanting and hoping she would come back to me. All the waiting and wondering about what she was doing and who she was doing it with. So, I didn't agree to her compromise right off the bat. I told her I would have to think about things.

'I don't know if I want to open up this wound again, Di. How do I know you won't hurt me again? You actually broke my heart, and it has been years and I'm still not over it. I don't know if I could endure another breakup between us'.

'Ok. That's fair. I don't have a crystal ball and I can't guarantee the future for us, but I do know that I still have feelings for you Barb and if you let me, I'd like to make it up to you, somehow.'