All Comments on 'She Kissed Me First!'

A very nice story with pathos. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. It hurts like hell. Second chances very seldom happen.

I more than liked the story, but didn't fully love it. So my true score is 4.5. Telling the story from Barb's POV, made the story-telling efficient...to pack so much in five thousand words/ two pages. The question(s) that popped in my mind during the reading really became superfluous when reading the ending.

The ending maybe my .5 issue. Diane seems to have been able to eat the proverbial cake and have it too. I got the impression that she was so sure of the depth of Barb's feelings for her that she dumped Barb totally as friend and lover to pursue that other person, knowing she could always return to Barb. She did and Barb did.

With that in mind I'll pprevise my original score to a 4, and say I gave an extra point for the cleverness, efficiency and audacity of your story telling. Thanks for sharing. Trace 🙂

Thank You for the critique. I appreciate it. I am a novice at this, but whenever I write about her it just pours out of my heart. We aren't together as she never did return to me as a friend or lover. I truly had my heart broken and haven't been with anyone since.

I liked the story but didn't love it. I think the problem is that so much of the story is simply described. It leaves the story feeling sterile. (Recall the old adage, "Show, don't tell.")

After seeing your comment, and learning that your heart was broken in this way, I wonder if you wanted to stay detached. None of us wants to relive heartbreak.

I'd echo what CK and lazy_reader said. If you can put your hurt into your writing you can produce an emotional reaction from the reader that will raise your stories to a new level.