Shipping and Handling Ch. 01

"Basically, you can't be charged for any role in harassment of those women." said Todd. "But they say you have to answer the questions truthfully, or be charged with perjury."

"No go." I said. "They must really think I'm an Agency of the Weak-Minded. Very insulting. Very insulting, indeed."

"So what should I tell them that you want?" Mike asked. "You can maintain your silence under the Fifth for any partial immunity until a judge works out what it would cover."

I replied: "Full immunity, especially from potential perjury charges. And the agreement has to be signed by the House Speaker, the Committee Chairman... and A.G. Karl Handel."

"Wow, I don't know if I can get that." said Mike.

"Then I don't testify." I said. Mike said he would call me back.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Sometimes I think you are the craziest man I have ever met." said State Senator Jimmy 'Coffin' Cerone (D - Southport) as he, State Senator Moe Molinari (R - Westphalia & Eastphalia), and I sat in Cerone's office. "And then I realize you're crazy like a fox, and one big reason I retired from 'other' businesses and became a humble State Senator." I smiled at that admission by the former Boss of Bosses of the Southport Mob.

"What did the Governor say when you told him you were going to take the Fifth?" asked Molinari.

"I never told him." I said. "I didn't tell Sheriff Griswold, either."

"Oh my goodness." said Molinari, stunned. "Jared is going to be pissed."

I shrugged. "If he's smart enough to figure out what I'm doing, he won't be. And think about it: can the Press really attack him any more than they already have?"

"Maybe not." said Cerone. "But they'll say your invoking is a 'smoking gun'. Bettina Wurtzburg might have an orgasm on the air in front of everybody." We all broke out in uproarious laughter over that one.

"Well," I said after I managed to stop laughing, "it's a risk I have to take. And I don't really owe the Governor anything... do I?" Both powerful Legislators just nodded in understanding.

I spent the rest of the day in Lt. Governor Marshall's office on my Police laptop, reading duty logs and Police reports, then talking on my Police iPhone to Teresa and Tanya about various 'minding-the-store' things, including telling them to have my Detectives cooperate with MPD's Detective Nell Bell on moving van disappearances and thefts.

At 7:35pm, my cellphone rang. It was Mike Todd...

Part 3 - The Witness For The Prosecution, Sort Of

"This is Bettina Wurtzburg, KXTC Channel Two News!" shouted the redheaded MILF reporterette from in front of the Courthouse Complex at 7:00am, Tuesday, March 26th. "The world of State politics was rocked by a nuclear bombshell as Police Commander Donald Troy took the Fifth rather than testify against deeply unpopular Governor Val Jared before the State House Judiciary Committee!"

Bettina was dressed as if she were going on the hottest date of her life, smiling happily as she said "In one of the most hypocritical actions of his controversial career as a Police Officer, TCPD Commander Donald Troy refused to give truthful testimony to the Committee investigating abuse of power charges against Governor Jared! Let's go to trusted political reporter Lester Holder. Lester!"

"Thank you, Bettina!" said Lester 'Penis' Holder, looking very smug as the camera feeds switched to him. "With me is Dr. Adam S. Keller of the City University Rodham Foundation for Social and Political Change. Dr. Keller, isn't it pretty hypocritical for a Police Officer to take the Fifth?"

"More than that," said Adam 'Pencil Neck' Keller, "it's suspicious. It undermines any trust the Public has in the Police, and it certainly makes us wonder what Donald Troy is trying to keep the Public from knowing, as he hides like a scared child behind the skirts of the Fifth Amendment."

"Dr. Keller," said Holder, "should the Public consider this to be the 'smoking gun', showing that there really is a cover-up of the Governor's abusive actions towards two women who made very credible claims of sexual harassment against him?"

"We'll just have to let the Public decide for itself what Commander Troy's evasive actions really mean." Keller said, choosing his words very carefully. "But the Public is well within its prerogatives to question Commander Troy's motives in taking the Fifth."

"Thank you, Dr. Keller." said Lester Holder. He turned back to the camera and said "Bettina, when it came time to tell the truth, Commander Troy 'blinked', and he backed down. He should resign; Commander Troy simply does not have enough integrity to wear the uniform and badge of a Police Officer at the local or State level."

"Thank you, Lester!" said Bettina. "I couldn't agree more about Commander Troy's lack of integrity, and his hypocrisy in all of this. But... wait..." she said, pretending to listen to her earpiece, even though this was pre-planned.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Bettina said, "Channel Two News has just learned that the State Judiciary Committee will try again today, as an agreement to give Commander Troy full immunity in exchange for his truthful testimony has been reached! Commander Troy will again be forced to testify before the Committee at 10:00am..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This morning I came into the Committee room in my semi-formal uniform with the full complement of ribbons, the red ribbon of the Medal of Valor around my neck, my metal rank insignia gleaming in the lights, and my patent-leather black shoes spit-shined to the Airborne standard. Sheriff Griswold was similarly attired in his full-dress Sheriff uniform, though not wearing his MOV, as he took his seat behind me.

The night before, I'd been ushered into a room with House Speaker Jacobson, Leader McKinney, Chairman Madoff, and A.G. Handel. Lt. Governor Sharon Marshall was also in the room, signing the document on the Governor's behalf. And that document was the ironclad full immunity that Mike Todd had worked out for me.

It was clear that Handel did not want to do this as Madoff kept asking me if I understood what I was signing, causing me to make sure I was not signing away my first born child Carole nor her dog Bowser. I didn't answer Madoff (I'd invoked, remember?). I did notice that Handel was trying hard to read me, trying to determine what kind of trap I was laying for him.

Finally, it came time for him to sign. He did try to get me to sign before he did, but I spoke up for the first time and said that if he didn't sign first, I would not sign at all. So he signed, then Mike and I signed.

"Tomorrow morning, ten o'clock." Justin Madoff said menacingly. "And you better tell the fucking truth."

"Oh I will." I said. "The absolute truth. The question is... can you handle the truth?" Sharon Marshall and Elijah McKinney smiled at that, and Mike G. Todd had a huge grin on his face. Madoff and Handel looked at me with unappeasable hatred on their faces.

Now in live time, I once again made sure to make strong eye contact with every Representative that came in to take their seats, and again most of them could not withstand the look. Then Chairman Madoff gaveled the Committee into session and had me sworn in again. He explained that I was testifying under an Immunity agreement, trying to make it sound as bad and dishonest as possible. Then it was my turn.

Mike Todd said "My client would like to read a statement before answering your questions."

I then read the following statement: "I wish to point out two important points. First, the claims of sexual harassment by Donna Rodman and Hillary Braselton were not credible, and were proved criminally false without a shadow of a doubt. They pled guilty to making false statements regarding that case. The document they provided, a yearbook allegedly signed by Mr. Jared before he was Governor, was proved by the FBI to be a forgery of his signature. Therefore, my actions in investigating their crimes were lawful and legitimate, and conducted within the constraints of the Constitution and the law."

"Second," I said, "as I have stated many times, under oath and not under oath, I did not inform Governor Val Jared that I was investigating Rodman and Braselton until after I formally opened the investigation. I did not discuss opening the investigation with the Governor before actually opening it. I did nothing wrong in the initiation and conduct of the investigation, and to the best of my knowledge Governor Jared did nothing wrong, either. Unless someone has new evidence of which I'm completely unaware, the accusations made against the Governor in this case, particularly the libelous attacks by a biased, viciously hostile Media, are completely false."

At that point, Mike covered my microphone with his hand and whispered to me to be careful in statements like that, as they're opinion while I'm under oath. I nodded and said into the microphone "That concludes my opening statement."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It went on for five hours. Most of the Legislators on both sides of the aisle used their five minutes to either accuse Governor Jared of Hitler-esque crimes against humanity or to praise me for my integrity and solving cases. A few tried to poke and prod at me by asking questions, but I held firm. The only problem came up when Tasheeka Harris, the Representative of inner Midtown, who was black, tried a shot:

"Commander Troy," she asked, "does your testimony today agree with the testimony you gave the Special Grand Jury?"

That got Mike whispering my ear. I nodded, then answered: "As you know, Representative Harris, Special Grand Jury testimony is sealed and secret, and under the law I am not allowed to discuss any aspect of my testimony before the Special Grand Jury. Therefore, my answer is that I neither confirm nor deny that today's testimony agreed with it."

"So you refuse to answer the question?" Harris pressed.

Mike Todd stood up. "My client is obeying the law and not discussing Grand Jury testimony. Your question is unlawful at best, and a deliberate attempt to entrap my client at worst. Even under the immunity agreement under which my client is testifying, Grand Jury testimony is off-limits to discussion in this hearing."

"Very well." said Tasheeka Harris. "Commander Troy, did you assist Daniel Allgood in suppressing votes that denied Eldrick X. Weaver his rightful win in last November's mayoral election in your Town & County?"

Mike was about to object, but I pulled him back into his chair and said "I don't accept the premise of your question. A Superior Court Judge ruled the extra ballots to be illegal and invalid, and the woman that found those extra votes admitted to voter fraud and is serving time in prison as we speak. Eldrick X. Weaver lost that election; the rightful win was Daniel Allgood's."

"You're a racist!" yelled Tasheeka Harris, causing a flurry of objections from other Committee Members, and even Chairman Madoff banging his gavel and calling for order.

"I'll respond to that viciously racist statement," I said when things settled down, "by saying that I'll put my record of very strong fairness to all Citizens of all ethnicities, genders, and orientations up against your racist hatred against Whites any day, Ms. Harris---" The last part didn't make it to the recorders; Mike Todd had covered my microphone and all but clamped his hand over my mouth.

There were only a couple of Legislators left, and they used their time to pontificate on irrelevant things. The hearing was then adjourned, and Mike and I left quickly, followed by Sheriff Griswold...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Upon Sgt. Andrew Prince setting the TCPD's Bell 206 helicopter on its spot at County Airport, Sheriff Griswold and I got out and went to my Police SUV. We drove directly to the Cop Bar.

"So what did the Governor have to say about all of this, Sheriff?" I asked.

"He and his staff pretty much figured it out, once you took the Fifth." said Griswold. "I think he would've liked a heads-up on it, but the ironic thing is that you not giving him a heads-up on the Rodman-Braselton investigation is what has saved his bacon on this whole thing."

I chuckled, and then the Sheriff said "But he and the Lt. Governor think this worst of this is now over, and they won't be able to impeach him... at least not for a legitimate reason." I nodded as we pulled into the parking lot of the Cop Bar.

Upon our entry into the front door, all of the Police Officers and Firefighters there stood as one in a huge standing ovation for me. You'd think I was a politician as I shook a lot of hands and said a lot of thanks as we made our way to the main back room. A table was set up for all of the MCD and Vice Detectives and their leadership in an impromptu celebration, not unlike one of our celebrations after we solved a big case.

Chief Moynahan was seated next to me, and said "I just hope that you did not give the the Press ammunition for more racism charges."

"Doesn't matter what I say or do." I said. "The Press will take any answer, or any non-answer, and twist it around to accuse me of being a racist. But they've been pushing the race card so hard the last few months and years, that its effectiveness is bound to wear off."

"Or create a backlash, which is what I believe they really want." said the Chief, and rather astutely, I might add. "I know you're not a racist, Don, but I know you hate the Press and might say anything in front of them, and they might twist things around. Just be circumspect in anything you say."

"Roger that, Chief." I replied, knowing that the Chief was not muzzling me, just giving me some good advice about optics.

After dinner was over, people talked in groups, as people are wont to do. I ended up talking with Cindy and Teresa.

"So is it over?" Cindy asked me.

"I hope so." I said. "For me it is, anyway."

Teresa said "Todd's lobbyists said that there was a push by some of the really Socialist young Reps, like Nina Cortez and Tasheeka Harris, to have your immunity revoked, saying that you're lying when you said you didn't tell the Governor before you started the investigation."

"You could tie that up in Court for years, and then you'd win." said Cindy.

"At this point," I said, "you're going to hear a lot of posturing and a lot of crap from the Legislators's potty mouths. And the Press is never going to drop it; their hatred of both me and the Governor is limitless and unappeasable. But the danger should be over, touch wood." I touched the wood of the table as I said it. So did Cindy and Teresa.

Superstitious Crowbar People, we are...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I got home to the Mountain Nest, I sat down at the dinner table with my family, though I was not hungry. With the Council meeting taking place tonight, Stephanie Steele and Marie had been invited to join Laura, Carole, and Jim. Dinner included... stringbeans! And for some reason Laura was trying to force Carole to eat some of them.

"Daddy can have my stringbeans." Carole offered. "He had busy day in front of Congress." That made the adults laugh out loud.

"That was the State Legislature, Carole," I said, "where you and I went and were given those Certificates. Congress is in Washington, D.C., and is the Legislature for the whole United States."

"Oh." said Carole. "Is Congress as bad as the State Legis...legis... State Congress?"

I helped Carole say the word 'legislature', then said "And yes, the U.S. Congress is much worse than the State Legislature. The State Legislature is going to be finished for the year in just a week. The U.S. Congress never stops, and we have the huge deficits and national debt to show for it."

Fortunately, Carole was not interested in the National Debt, and had moved on to other, more important things. "You can still have my stringbeans, Daddy." she again offered helpfully.

"That's very nice of you, Carole." I said. And I did take the stringbeans as I asked "Why are we having stringbeans tonight ,by the way?"

"I asked Mommy to cook stringbeans!" Jim said proudly. "And Carole needs to eat all of hers, Daddy!" Marie giggled loudly at that. I felt glad that Carole did not (yet) have a crowbar to wave in their general direction.

"Uh huh." I said witheringly. I could see where my young engineer son had engineered this problem for his big sister. Wonder where he inherited that trait from, I thought amusedly. Still, I said "Jim, you worry about your own stringbeans, okay?"

"Yeah!" Carole said strongly. "You stay out of my stringbean business, Jim!" Marie laughed out loud again. Hoo boy, I thought to myself. Remedial instruction on good manners at the dinner table was 'discussed'.

Part 4 - Fallout

"This is Amber Harris, KXTC Channel Two News!" shouted the athletic blonde reporterette from the anchor desk of the KXTC studios at 7:00am, Wednesday, March 27th. "Joining me is trusted civil rights reporter Lester Holder."

Amber began: "The testimony of Commander Donald Troy before the State Judiciary Committee ended in controversy and acrimony, with Legislators accusing Commander Troy of lying under oath to protect deeply unpopular Governor Val Jared as well as making viciously racist statements when sharply questioned by State Representative Tasheeka Harris, who is a woman of color."

"That's right, Amber." said Lester Holder. "Commander Troy dishonestly testified that Daniel Allgood's win in last year's Election was legitimate, even though many lawful ballots in a majority-black district were thrown out, changing the outcome of the Election. He also called Representative Harris a racist for challenging his dishonest statement regarding the Election, which was a lie while he was under oath."

"That's right, Lester." said Amber. "Unfortunately, Commander Troy was testifying under an immunity agreement, so he could tell any racist lie he wanted and get away with it---"

*CLICK!*

It was Cindy Ross herself who expertly used the remote to turn off the television monitor in the Chief's Conference Room. "Thank you." I said in the silence of the room.

"You're quite welcome." Cindy replied.

"That was ridiculous." Teresa said. "And outright libel."

"I wonder why they didn't have Bettina do the hatchet job, but had Amber and Penis Holder doing it instead." Tanya said.

"Cap-tnnnnn." admonished Chief Moynahan.

"That's what he is, Chief." I said fearlessly. "And I released pictures to the Public showing just that: Holder holding Graham Collins's penis, and in a sexual way." Seeing the Chief looking 'disapprovingly' at me, I hastily continued: "As to who was on this morning's broadcast and who wasn't, Penis Holder is black, so if we were to say anything about his libel, he and KXTC will call us racists. And Amber is expendable; it's only a matter of time and her trial until she goes to prison for a year."

"Think that'll happen?" asked Cindy.

"Miriam Walters is pushing hard for it to happen." I said. "She totally rebuffed Burt West when he tried to set up a meeting to talk to her about it, and she's told Amber's lawyers she has no desire to make any plea deal that does not include at least one full year of prison time served."

"Yet still they go full frontal assault on you," Cindy said, "even though you told the truth, you said nothing racist but was called a racist... well, I guess telling the truth about using fraud to get a black man elected over the rightful winner who is a white man is now considered 'racism'."

"What was in that coffee you made this morning, Commander Troy?" asked the Chief with some asperity.

"Truth serum, Chief." I said with a grin. "Not that we need it around these here parts..."