All Comments on 'Shivers'

A little romance-comedy, like it. I feel like the word atop was misused a little as I felt it seemed a little out of place but other than that an enjoyable read.

An easy four and a half.

The making of a great series!! Keep it going! Keep focusing on the growing Romance. Very hot so far!!

So one minute they are both in his apt, the next she's home sending a text and he's waking up? Inconsistent. Had to stop once she got a call from her manager wondering if the text she was sending her brother was sent, even though she was supposed to be at his apt?

A good amount of conflict and a bit of humour, Great job. 5 stars.

I truly enjoyed the story. I like that you didn't rush them having sex. I hope you keep this story going and continue to slowly build their relationship.

Don't listen to the commentors who told you it was great: they're wrong.

It could have been great, but your mechanics got in the way enough times to really hurt it.

So many people who publish here aren't good enough to put any time into editing, and that's why so many complain that the editor program doesn't work.

If you'd like a little help, contact me through private feedback. Your writing is good enough to put the extra effort into it.

In the first few paragraphs, the story went off the rails but, it didn't improve.

To wit: (means 'to witness', or 'hears the evidence')

Female character comes into apt screaming mad, saying, "You just had to keep your damn mouth shut!"

Now, let me ask you this: how many times in your life have YOU been mad, or you have seen/heard of ANYONE else being mad because someone kept their mouth SHUT?

Um, never?

If characters in stories don't exhibit real life behavior, the stories fail.

So... OK, the female character is screaming mad because the male character DID NOT say what was wanted. Let's go with that...

Problem: In the next paragraph, or so, the female character harangues the male for SAYING something to their parents, ruining her plans.

What?

Now we have, not strange behavior in a character, but contradictory information leading to reader confusion. Reader confusion is NEVER good.

First, and foremost, the written word is a form of communication. Most people who decide to write, forget this, as soon as the first sheet of paper is in the typewriter. Oh, sorry, wrong generation... I've been saying this to beginning writers for so damn long, the first time I actually said it, I did actually say it, and didn't write it, AND the statement was accurate.

If your writing does not communicate in a clear and easily understood manner, how in the heck can you share the wonderful creativity in your mind?

Or, in the case of Lit, (and this genre), the depraved, and immoral thoughts your mind is capable of creating.

I made it to the middle of the first Lit page. When I found myself going back for the 3rd-4th time, trying to determine where in the hell the female character left the male character's apt, I gave up. You had him put on headphones so he could NOT hear her phone conversation. You then referred back to that scene device, and STILL lost track of what your characters were doing.

Lastly, who in the world use 'home' the way you do?

To wit: '...my dad make kick me out of the home.' OR '...am scared to move out of home.'

Unless you are NOT a native English language speaker, you need a remedial course in the English language. Once you understand how to speak/write the English language correctly, THEN you can work on sharing your delightfully sick and twisted mind with the Lit audience of readers.

(Harsh criticism? Yes. Mean spirited? No. After seeing comments telling you how good the submission is, consider this a VERY necessary bucket of cold water... down your pants... after it is dumped on your head.)

Sorry, anonymous, I only read the first part of your comment, but that was so far off I had to stop reading.

That line was that his only job was to keep his mouth shut, and he failed. Her complaint was that he didn't keep his mouth shut.

This illustrated why the author needs an editor. That part of the story could have been easily worded to make that clear.

You have the potential to be a terrific writer. You've also attracted a lot of criticism with this story, and it's not unfair criticism. I am writing to encourage you to take the criticism as motivation to overcome the types of mistakes you've made. When you overcome them, you will be one of the best writers on this site.

I really love your humour, your character development, the sexual tension, the tenderness, and the torrid sex scenes. You just need to keep your facts straight and your progression logical. Those types of missteps can pull the reader right out of your story. They didn't affect me that way, but I understand why other commenters were frustrated.

I will be happy to serve as a beta tester or editor for future stories - you can contact me through the site. I'm definitely hoping to see more stories from you!

Very nice. Special, actually. I enjoyed it a good deal. Thank you! As to 'Anonymous' - there will always be those who never write themselves, but who know exactly how YOU should write. You have a talent. Go with that and write what you feel and as you desire. Self-absorbed, long-winded assholes abound, good authors are rare. 'Anonymous' is the former, you are the latter.

Well, the response to this has been more than I expected.

I've really enjoyed hearing some of the (private) suggestions I've received about where people would like to see this go next. Including one that was practically a sequel by itself. I had originally intended this to be a one-shot, but... Maybe Will and Katie have a little bit more romance to give us.

And yes, I'll try and make sure the page breaks come out as more than a single em-dash next time. (I swear, I tried to make them hr elements...)

I thought it was great. 5/5 Write for you, not these internet dbags.

Good stuff.

If there's one criticism I would make, it's that you spend an awful lot of words describing the characters' thought processes, which throws off the pacing of the story and the balance of the writing. For almost everything that happens, there's a discussion of the motivations or whatnot (which also tends to get rather repetitive). Paradoxically, by over-explaining, it occasionally even makes things more confusing, since we get so deep into the characters' heads and their worries about what MIGHT happen that it becomes difficult to keep track of what has ACTUALLY happened.

The old "show, don't tell" adage holds true here, I think: I would recommend cutting a lot of this cruft, trusting readers to understand the meaning of events and the characters' state of mind without constantly spelling it out.

On the other hand, I think the story would be strengthened by being more descriptive of the external environment and the characters' sensory impressions. As is, we get no sense of the camping trip or the site (or the tent), and once they get in the tent there's no more mention of the rain, no description of what it's like to stay in a tent in that weather, even though raindrops on the tent roof was brought up earlier on. One example where I think the story did do this well, and which I really liked, was the mention of how he could glimpse her white skin through the broken zipper of the sleeping bag. That's a nice, specific sensory detail, and quite erotic, and I'd have loved to see more of that sort of thing.

Almost believable! Actually, a good story, with good humour thrown in. Is it possible to have an incest story in which the lover who bares his/her soul discovers that the sibling does NOT have a longstanding crush on the other, but thinks him a twisted pervert and wants nothing to do with him? IOW, there is a sameness to the situations in these stories, as entertaining as they often are.

Simply Stunning

this is the first and probably only pornographical story that's actually made me say, "Awww"

And made me care.

I could actually picture this being a fantastic book or movie, obviously if they were changed to child hood friends and married. But still, this is a sexual story site so the brother sister thing was indeed hot lol

but still, if this is how you write, consider it professionally.

Heck, I may even make an account just to follow you lol

fantastic work, keep it up, would love a part 3 or your own professional piece of literature in the future.

Amazing story, you have a knack at writing these stories. Just love your work.

5/5

You had me totally sucked in with this story when I first read it several months ago. I'm still waiting for part 3. I've watched the rewrite count steadily climb and the last time that I checked, it was currently sitting at 10. In this same time, you've completed The House Boat and several chapters of Toofy. Could you please relieve my angst and get the next installment of Shivers submitted? Please? Please stop working on the other stuff just for a moment. If I'm not confusing you with one of the other contributors that I follow, you released Coming Home too. I'll admit that I'm having a small issue getting into Toofy, but I thoroughly enjoyed Coming Home and the House Boat.

But please focus on Will and Katie. PLEASE!

Love it. I love the romance play. Sex and love should be fun for both.

Good story

It was easy to follow the thread you were unspoolling, but hard to follow exactly what you meant in some of the events on page 1.

Anyway, good story, looking forward to more!

Why does she keep calling him a jerk and she comes across as a bitch in the making 3⭐️