All Comments on 'Shivers Ch. 02 - Moving In'

So many things I could say, but won't. I suggested after your first installment that you get some help, but you ignored me. Your choice, but it's reflected in the ratings.

In medias res is a perfectly acceptable literary hook, when used sparingly. So far, you've used it in every one of your publications, and unfortunately, haven't done it well, except maybe once. The first on.

Besides that, the last 4 pages of this installment completely ruined the story line, including of the first installment. Your mechanics were even worse in this one than in the first one. Many instances where it was difficult to follow, or even make sense. The dialogue was just as difficult to follow, many times I just gave up deciding who was talking because the mechanics didn't indicate it, and the context was no help.

This was really bad.

I suggest you research how to construct dialogue and paragraphs. You're really bad at that.

Learn how to construct complex sentences. You're really good at constructing a sentence in a way that it doesn't actually say what you mean it to. (Let's eat, Grandma vs Let's eat Grandma - those two sentences mean 2 very different things, and the only change is a comma - you have lots of examples like that).

This writing was bad enough that I wouldn't have agreed to edit it.

Start reading your writing before you publish, several times, don't just skim through it. When a human looks at something, from a biology stand point, the eye only actually sees about 25% of the picture, and the brain has to form the image from that, so when you're writing something you've written, you're going usually see what you think you wrote, not what you actually wrote

It never, ever, not in the life time, works when it's thrown into the middle of a story, which is exactly what you did on Chapter 2 (this installment). That alone tops a story rating off under 4. It's not cute, it's not catching, it's only confusing

I really enjoyed this story but I admit it threw me for some loops. First I thought it was gonna be a happy throuple like a couple other stories, then I thought "oh wow, the author is gonna buck the trend and one of the lovers actually says 'no go' on the idea. That's interesting, but also I feel really bad for Suzie." But now I feel like the story could go in any direction and I have no idea. I know what I'm rooting for though.

On a personal note, ignore the haters. Thank you for your content. If they're really so OCD that a typo here or a grammar error there ruins a story for them, that's their issue.

@gametime279 There's a half-dozen hanging plot threads from the first and second chapter at this point. I've got three main ideas for handling Suzie, but... It really could go either way. Especially with what's going on with Katie, that she's ignoring.

Dammit. The first part was terrific, to my mind, and now you've retroactively ruined it for me. I was here for a romantic sibling pair bond, and so far as I could tell there was not the slightest hint in the first chapter that anything else lay in wait.

If that were all, I wouldn't bother commenting, but I find this turn, not only not to my taste, but also unbelievable in the context of the story. In particular, I am unable to understand how Katie can go from saying that she regrets sleeping with others and that she wishes Will could have been her first, last, and only, to proposing to invite another, not only into her and Will's bed, but into their relationship, all within the space of a few hours at most. This move becomes still more inexplicable when one considers her protestation at the beginning of the chapter that she is not, in fact, bi, and merely required experimentation to establish that fact for herself. Unless, of course, your intention is to set Katie up to be a pathological liar.

Her keep calling him 'jerk' was fucking annoying

Katie is abitch, Suzie an even bigger one!! Neither deserved Will - he was too good for Katie!! Seemed the plot got lost from first obsessing over the brother and being in love with him enters the bitch Suzie plot...messed up the story

I love the triad, but since they rarely work out in real life, it would be nice if Will, Susan, and Katie make it work in your story, Real Life never gives you a happy ending, at least mine never has. I read these stories hoping to escape from the tragedy of real life.

Also, I have not missed the foreshadowing of Katie having some undiagnosed medical issues. Just please don't kill her. Again, real life is too hard already.

My ex is bisexual, so I'm loving this. Bisexual women are the bomb!

Was enjoying this story until you added Suzie, couldn't even finish reading it. Ruined it for me, so unfortunate because I do like your writing.

Okay, here’s the thing. You had a great story going until you decided to add Susie to the mix. Now you ruined it.

Let me tell you something you obviously do not know about, and obviously have not been involved in yourself. INCEST DOES NOT EVER SHARE, NOT EVER!!!!

For obvious reasons incest couples are exclusive totally exclusive.

How do l know??

Many decades l was involved in an exclusive incest relationship which went on for four years and only ended when we were caught and forcibly split up by my and her parents.

This was in the late sixties, early seventies.

Years afterwards, because of problems l researched incest couples to find out more and found out along the way about how incest operates for the couples involved. Almost 100% of those involved never shared or sought to share. I had an Aunt and Uncle as well who were an incest couple from teenage years to death, they were totally devoted to each other.

So trust me, if you care to look into this you will find this out for yourself.

Sadly, knowing this myself, once you introduced Susie l stopped reading that story and won’t finish it.

Please in the future, try to understand why some of us read these stories and do not let this again.

I love your writing and your style, your stories are so good.

For the record when we were broken up, we never got back together again. Her family put into therapy and did a number on her. To this day we do not speak.

My wife knows knows l told her 30 years ago, but my adult kids don’t know.

Her husband and family have no idea, it is all so sad now.

The only functions we see each other now is funerals and she refuses to acknowledge l exist. It is said we fell out over other matters by family members. But even after all this time it is quite raw for me.

Please keep your incest couples exclusive and try to understand why.

Quite often authors end their stories too soon and leave the reader wondering. You would have been better not to write chapter two. You ruined your story and wasted your efforts. Maybe you should have developed your story to fit into “Erotic Couplings”. You developed a sibling relationship with a parental element including a clandestine element and then totally abandoned them.

You totally blew it creating a threesome. I actually skipped forward to confirm where you were heading and never finished your story.

I agree with other comments, three ways and sibling/step sibling relationships don’t go together.

Don't listen to Wargamer or skyliner. You're not chronicling a real life event. This is fiction and fantasy. You write it up the way you want it to come out from your own mind. If they don't like it, then they're welcome to stop reading it and move on. You're not going to write one story that makes 100% of your readers happy. Everyone has different tastes.

You're doing great for me and I love your work. Toofy is the only one that I am struggling with. But fortunately I'm still enjoying it nonetheless. Don't change anything.

Very good story. Well thought out. Thanks.

Great story. When is Will and Suzie's wedding. Lets hear in the next chapter.

Good story.

It's a little chaotic.

Definitely need a third part.

On the critique:

It's fantasy, fiction. It's how the author sees his story. The reader initially knows who is fiction.

The relationship is never exclusive. Not even in incest. Especially in incest. Because it is forbidden. I think a lot more sibling couples have their own families and fuck each other for years just at family gatherings a couple of times a year. Sibling incest produces more out of a sense of trust in a partner during the learning period of sex than out of great love.

And here it's all honest. No one is talking about great love for Susan. She was the one who was in love with both Kathy and Will. She's the one who's being asked to join in. To become a screen for her brother and sister. And maybe in time it will grow into something more.

The screen door is more likely to be even in Kathy and Susie's marriage. Since Kathy will be a public figure, and in this way will remove suspicion from herself. She might even be able to have children with her brother. Both of them.

Will and Susie - this union would not justify Kathy living with them. And in the pairing of Kathy and Susie, Will can be the manager under Kathy. Caring Brother. A lesbian marriage would spare other men.

Chapter 3 ? - sooner than later I hope.

More please really soon if you can. Hot sexy story and maybe a throuple is in the wind with a wedding and babies.

Great series,

Love the 'conflict' introduced in pt. 2 - it showed a 'realistic' consequence of such a relationship.

Would loove 2 see another chapter.

Danke Mate.

Disappointing that he wasn't willing to explore his feelings more with Susan. His sister is using her emotions and affections to manipulate her into bed. And he wasn't really wanting to share. Instead of a loving relationship with them all cuddling up together it seems like Sue is just going to get hurt worse as the two lovers invite her to bed and use her for his sisters happiness disregarding her feelings entirely. That's sad, and really unworthy of them.

Please more chapters

Can't wait for the next part.

Lotta manipulation here.

very enjoyable, I would like to see another chapter to see where it al leads

More, please!

Sister is cute, adorable, and a selfish bitch at the same time. If this was remotely like the real world, it would end badly.

Not usually crazy over the thruples but you do write it well. Still love the incest component

Wow, what a tonal shift from the first chapter.

Still very sexy, but the characters are noticeably less likable and it is harder to identify with any of them, or validate their choices.

If you continue (I admire your writing), it might be interesting to see what happens to these people that seem a little lost in themselves or in their selfishness?

Looking forward to more Shakna

This writing style is...'off'...a little...don't know what it is...

Still, very enjoyable to read; Katie and Will obviously love each other very much, and will continue to do so for eternity.

Having the 'unresolved' Suzie issue hanging over them like that...I think Katie did the exact right thing, bringing Suzie into the relationship. Suzie needs stability, as much as Will and Katie can offer her at this point...just need TIME to work the whole situation out...they will be good together, I have a feeling!!

Five**5**Stars...💫💫💫💫💫🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

This story was good and I felt it noticeably different from most of the other ones I've read. It felt almost more real-world than fantasy scenario. Lots of drama, though Katie did come across as a tad annoying at times with all the constant "jerk" outbursts and whatnot (probably meant to be playful though). I kind of felt like the story got ruined a bit with the all-too-common inclusion of a third party into the mix, but hey, nothing's perfect. Will there be a part 3? Will Katie and Will have their happily ever after?

5/5, but I can never say that women don’t completely confuse me…. and when they get hormonal?!?! Forget it!