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Click hereThe Elven Queen sighed, "After your conclave, I will recall him and have him interrogated about his involvement with your spy. Hopefully, Jarron has your spy out of the way by then. This should not have happened but we will see what we can find out."
The Silver Dragon Queen smiled, "I will add this into the argument to support the rise in rank for him and his wives who aided him in this effort."
Queen Goldeagle sighed, "He is a Champion to our god Corellon and he works to prove his loyalty to us and our allies daily. The first champion we know about in the 6th age. I thank you all for the trust you are putting into him in this endeavor." They all ended communications.
---
The Lady of Dreams sighed as she looked at Corellon, "He survived both engagements. He did not get a premonition on the force, he just knew tactical strategies of the enemy and what would likely come. He saved the Queen's nephew and she would like to grab him by the sack right now for not telling her that her nephew had joined his unit."
Corellon chuckled and paced, "He is very impressive. I am still concerned about the Order of Dragon. Bahamut cannot direct actions, except through his hero at the moment. None of the Dragon Gods can walk in this world until the Peace Accord is officially broken.
We know it has been broken before and hidden. There was a leader on the field who teleported away when she saw all of the Elven forces decimating her front line. A female Ogre-Magi abandoned her troops. She could only get 250 it seems to come forward. She is likely no longer a player in this war if she still lives. How she became a general is unknown."
Bahamut arrived and chuckled, "It is known. Mother to the Half-Dragon. I cannot say where she went, but the Silver Dragons looking into the Half-Dragon's mind have learned about her and the fact she knows how to make those damned rings. A follower of Gruumish which you cannot share, given the source of the information is me.
Gruumish has only a few who know the spells to create those rings as they have draconic mythic necromancy. You know who else was trained in that and it is an issue with our human allies that we cannot handle for them. Your Champion could, but he might very well kill your champion at this point.
He is not strong enough to face a Mythic caster, not yet. Especially one versed in draconic necromancy. Mystra is stepping up for the challenge for those in the Knights. She hopes to overwhelm him with numbers. Jarron is pulling forces together as we don't know this human traitor's plans."
Corellon nodded, "My focus needs to be on the Elven people and the coming war. Jarron should hopefully be able to take care of this when the time comes. Eldar cleared 7 of 8 spies and identified the last one. If you count the last 2 assassins that he captured. He needs to build up his forces and get the remaining Moon Blades activated.
If the other Gods races put champions on the field, now that they are allowed to, they could address their issues. Not that AO or those under them tell us when they put champions on the field, including Mystra and you."
Bahamut nodded, "I know, but I have had my reasons and this damned treaty was not kind to my followers."
Bahamut left again. Corellon had left him able to return to talk and was wondering if that was a good idea as he was getting bogged down in "Dragon Business" too often.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 3 years agoa creative, gripping tale. Well done.
The two pieces of writting advice I'd suggest has to do with mixing first person voice vs narrative voice, and sentence fragmentation.
Re: first person vs narrative voice
Any time you type the word me, reconsider. During proofing doa search on 'me'. I'm seeing a fairly consistence tendency to begin a sentence about Eldar in narrative, then switch to first person; it usually involves the word 'me'.
I didn't copy an example, but here's an approximation:
'Elder dismounted from his horse, and approached the group. They stepped back from me, in fear. Eldar's anger was obvious.'
The first sentence is narrative voice, the second switches to first person, and the last switches back to narrative. The outcome is reader whiplash; never a good thing. lol
I think once you can identify the switches in voice, you'll begin to eliminate them.
Re: sentence fragments
Twenty to forty paragraphs from the end, Eldar is communicating with the human King. Eldar says something to the effect, 'Your men encountered a horde a scout got back to your main force.'
You may have meant to make this two sentences, or you left out a connecting word or phrase. Bottom line, it looks like you are thinking faster than you can write, a common problem. Again, like the voice issue once you train yourself to identify these, you will eliminate them.
The reason they make a difference is they create a jerkiness to the normal rhythm of the normal flow of your writing. Some of them create enough confusion, a reader will have to stop and re-read the passage a time, or more.
In a previous comment, I think I recommended reading your work aloud. That proofing technique will go a long way to catching both of these issues more readily.
Thanks for sharing the incredible world you've created, and thanks for all the work to put this together for submission.
GeoD
grasstrimeralmost 4 years agoyou are a great storyteller. I am really enjoying re-reading this and your other stories. i rush home each day to read the next chapter, even after having read them a few times already. thanks for the time you have put into these stories and the enjoyment derived form them.
kyotie913almost 4 years agoYou are truly an artist of the written word. I look forward to more from you hopefully.
