Sins of the Ancestor Pt. 03

I'm sure you know the drill, my muscles convulsed, mouth open, contents departed me, then continued to jerk my torso as I retched up nothing.

It was true. All of it. I was a homophobe nymphomaniac former man, possibly pregnant with my own child. Worse than that, I was an arse. So self obsessed that I had hurt my closest friend so badly she had turned to self harm. I had an image of Jenny baring her arm for a naked razor blade... I retched again but there was nothing left to come out.

What was I going to do? I'd run from Sara and Jenny, fucked my way into slutville with the only guys I counted as good friends and pissed off the first three people I'd met afterwards. I was nearly broke, alone and staring at my own vomit. I had just resolved to curl around the toilet when I heard the toilet door open. I groaned, couldn't I even wallow in peace?

"Kat?" It was Susan. I told her to fuck off but, somehow, it came out as a pathetic, barely intelligible mewl. She ignored it. "There you are. Got it all out? Come on, up you get. There we are, let's get you to the sink, huh? Get you cleaned up." She kept her voice quiet and soothing, a professional used to dealing with the odd drunk. I wasn't drunk, not to that level at any rate, but I welcomed the chance to switch off for a few minutes and just obey.

That ended as I sucked in a second mouthful of water to clear out that taste. "Its really true, isn't it?" I looked up in the mirror and met her eyes. I could see the question in them, the doubt. I couldn't blame her. Who would believe such a story? I nodded before spitting out the water. "Woah." I snorted and pushed off the sink to stand upright. Katya stared back, and she was a state. Disheveled hair, my left cheek reddened by the slap Bethan had given me, the jaw below it yellowing with a bruise. Thanks, Mary. My eyes were sunken from, well, everything I had gone through. I turned away from my sight, that vision I could do without.

"What convinced you?" I couldn't help it, I wanted to know.

"A few things. Mary's reaction, that it tallies with what I know of Jenny. Your answers to those questions. Your body language. And, when you desperately needed a toilet, you ran into the gents. Nothing more revealing than where people choose to puke or piss, I guess." Susan shrugged. "I'm not sure I can wrap my head around it though."

"You should try it from this side."

"I mean, a quarter hour ago, I was fingering you to a rather nice climax-"

"You should try it from this side." Shit, I was still fucking flirting as a reflex.

"-I have, and last week you were a guy."

"Trust me, I know."

"Sorry, I guess that was selfish of me. How are you doing?" I just shook my head. I had no idea how to answer that now. Barely holding on? Was I even holding on or was I fucking my way into an asylum? Something to think about I guess. "Look, is there anything I can do? I rent a flat near here. If you want a sofa to crash on while you sort your head out, it's yours."

I blinked at her. Actually, I blinked quite rapidly at her as, for some reason, my allergies flared up and made my eyes water. (Now if only I actually had some allergies... ahem.) I turned away and stared at a stall door. Now I was avoiding her and the mirror, perfect. I nodded and mumbled out a thank you. She punched my arm. "You have the gratitude of a guy, that's for sure.

"Shall we go back out there? Only I do need to reopen the pub. Don't worry, Mary has sworn she'll behave."

I rubbed my jaw. "She's got a mean hook." Susan laughed and headed for the door.

"She's got a mean everything, that dowdy look is the best disguise I know. I owe you sex on the beach, right?" She was gone in the swoosh of the door. Well, at least I wasn't the only flirt here.

Susan had been right, Angela gave me a wink before turning back to Mary, who was trapped in the booth between her milfiness and the wall. Fine by me. I settled at the bar as Susan unlocked the doors then busied herself getting my drink. It being a fairly random weekday, there wasn't a queue rattling the doors but two guys did wander in before my drink was done. I slipped from my stool and sat down at an empty table away from Mary. No need to piss her off.

Yeah, I know. Me avoiding antagonising someone. You might think it was some sort of a growth for me. You'd be wrong. I was exhausted. Not physically, I'd had plenty rest in the past two days for that. No, it was a mental weariness, making thought a conscious effort like wading through soup. I had fucked one friend then another with yet another. None were friends with benefits. Each gave me ambivalent feelings, none of having the fucking grace to match. I had explored myself and been in a fight. Two, if you counted the one on Friday. I'd been in hospital and collapsed in a garden. I wanted time to sit, rest and drink.

It wasn't a bad drink at all, better than I'd hoped. Focussing on it was simple and kinda soothing. I drank slowly, savouring the fruity taste before swallowing each sip. I was maybe a third of my way into the drink when a shadow fell over me. I did a double take. Looming over me - and at six foot she loomed well - was quite possibly the last person I wanted to see again. Bethan.

She had gotten changed. Instead of the teddy and kimono look she sported earlier, she had a simple outfit of blue jeans, white t shirt and a leather jacket. Her face had lost the anger she'd had when she realised who I was and the horror she had recoiled with when Jenny had announced my... had shouted. She wasn't pissed. She was far from happy though.

Fuck balls. The door was beyond her. If I could squeeze past her and get through the door, then I could... No. I'd had enough of running, of lashing out. I didn't have the energy any more. Resigned, I sagged into the seat. Whatever came from her, it was happening right here.

"Bethan, sit down. Whatever's going to happen, I can't be arsed to get neck ache by looking up at you."

She pulled out the chair and sat opposite me. Somehow the piece of furniture wasn't reduced to kindling by either act.

"Katya." I took a moment before raising my gaze from my drink. I tried to mimic her neutral expression but I reckon I was less impassive and more exhausted. "Earlier this evening I acted without thought and inflicted the anger I felt at the circumstances on a convenient if undeserving target. Namely, you. I apologise."

"I... huh? I mean, thank you but... what?" Her lips tugged unwillingly into a small smile. By all the gods that had ever existed, that smile turned her already stunning looks into something beyond the realms of us mere mortals. It took me a moment to realise I was staring, not listening to her. That was getting to be a bad habit.

"-ou expected? I can only imagine the impression you have of me, and I only have one way to remedy that." She twisted in her seat and raised her hand to Susan. The ginger barmaid - who looked almost like some troll after seeing Bethan so close - nodded and reached down for a glass. Returning the nod, Bethan turned back to me.

"After you left and she calmed down, I made Jennifer tell me about you again. She had tried when she told me what occurred on Saturday but I confess when she talked about the curse, I did not believe her. I grew angry at what I thought was a pathetic attempt to excuse her actions. This time I listened and checked her story against the previous version she had told. It seemed ridiculous," cue my near customary snort, "but they matched and your own actions. So I rang your mother. She confirmed it for me."

"You know Sara?" I couldn't help but interrupt, how big was my mum in the lesbo community?

"Yes, of course. They haven't told you yet? Hmm. Well, it's not my fault they have been reticent and I think you need to know. When Jennifer came out, her dad disowned her. Sarjita became like a surrogate mother to her. They usually meet at least once a week to catch up and spend time together. I presume Sarjita didn't tell you because of your falling out."

I flopped against the padded back of the chair, stunned and a little hurt. I didn't have much in this world. Mum, my real mum I mean, had been an only child and, if I had any great aunts or uncles, we never found any trace in her stuff after the accident. Trust me, I checked through her stuff over and over for years. Quickest way to get me to throw the first punch is to insult Sara, and apparently I'm sharing her? All I had was Sara, we didn't even have contact with her family. They had disowned her for adopting me and she had not seen them for as long as I could remember. I'd always thought it was one of the shittiest things a parent could do, ostracising the own child...

Oh. Right. Maybe I could see why she would reach out to Jenny then. In fact, I don't think she could have done anything different, not Sara.

"Katya, they did not go behind your back to hurt you. Think about it, did anything change in how Sarjita treated you? Your mother is the best of women. She reached out to a lost young woman and offered her comfort. Don't be angry at her for this." I forced myself to nod. I didn't trust myself to speak yet. We had a moment of silence as Susan dropped off a glass of white wine for Bethan.

The silence drew out. We both sipped our drinks. I wasn't sure what to make of this all and didn't have either the energy or inclination to speak first. Bethan sighed. "Some people have a defining event in their childhood." Oh great, another armchair psychologist about to tell me all about my issues. This happens a lot, usually soon after they hear about the accident. Suddenly they are an expert in child psychology and will tell me all sorts of crap if I let them, usually about anger and loss. Normally I cut them off, tell them I don't give a crap about their thoughts and move on. Today, I gave a mental shrug and kept shtum. Besides, Bethan's no nonsense demeanour gave me no opening to speak if I'd wanted.

"An event so monumental that it colours their lives from that day on. For some it is one event, for others a series or even multiple, unlinked occurrences for the truly unfortunate. People react in different ways, of course. There are those who turn to drugs. Some seek to control everything, their work, their food, even their partner and their friends-"

"I don't control anyone!" My interjection was louder than I intended and the pub quieted as people looked at us. Bethan met their gazes with a bored look. They turned away.

"No, you don't," she continued in a quieter tone, " but I'm not talking about you. I'm telling why I am who I am and why I could not stand Jennifer ordering me. Katya, I have noted how you look at me. Most people do, I am highly attractive. Some even thought I was as a girl. They..." she blinked slowly as her voice wobbled. It was gone a moment later. "Katya, I know the worst moments of your life. The abuse they performed on me, that is mine."

Woah.

I just... woah.

I stared at her. Calm, collected and strong, staring right back at me. I will never attempt to claim I had an easy childhood, but that shit blew mine away. Why was she telling me this? "Fuck, that's... I'm sorry. Who did it? We'll go round and make the fuckers pay." Bethan met that with a small smile.

"Thank you, but that is already in hand and was not the reason I decided to share this with you. Katya, I know about the accident that took your mother and grandmother, I know the years of sexual tension you shared with Jennifer and I can guess at the pain her rejection caused. And, of course, I know about your curse.

"That I know so much and you know so little of me is not fair. That's why I'm telling you so much, more than I'd choose to say normally. You never had a choice for what I learned." I nodded slowly. Honestly, I kinda wished she'd try and put me through the wall again, that I could understand and deal with. This moderate, calm woman before me was a total headfuck beyond my comprehension.

"I was not mad that Jennifer slept with you. I was mad that she concealed it, and what I thought were her plans to do it." She held up a hand as I opened my mouth. "Yes, I know now that she didn't plan it and she tried to say before. I didn't believe her, it took your appearance tonight to persuade me of that. Now, do you have any questions for me."

I glanced at the bar as I thought. For just a moment, my gaze met Susan's. Her eyes flashed with concern and she tipped her head, a small query to check on me. I nodded. This was awkward as hell and far from where I wanted to be, but it wasn't... I could handle it. I think. There was a thousand questions whirring around, but I had the impression Bethan did not offer this chance lightly, so I began with the most pressing.

"Yeah, I got one. Why tell me this? I get the whole, you know more than me thing but that's not all of it, is there?"

She made a sound in the back of her throat that might, just maybe, pass for amusement. "You're astute."

"Reading women helps you know which ones you have a better chance to fuck. It's a gift." I spoke glibly, yet Bethan studied me closely and weighed my words.

"Quick with the jokes, aren't you? Anyway, as to your question, I thought that would be obvious." She paused expectantly, I shrugged my ignorance at her. "For Jennifer. She is in love with you and, thanks to recent developments, you are fantasy turned flesh. More will happen between you two, regardless of me. I can either work with it and hope what I have with her survives, or I can oppose it and likely make us all miserable."

I stared at her.

"I... you... Jenny's in love with me? But, she's gay! And I'm a guy. Was a guy. And if she's in love with me, why the fuck is she gay?" Bethan's face darkened. Oh crap, I'd spoken my thoughts aloud. Alcohol and tiredness leads to saying dumb things, who knew?

"You have a lot to learn about sexuality and the human mind, Katya, but then, most cis men do. Love and desire are not the same thing. Have you only slept with women you loved?" My snort probably wasn't needed. "Precisely. Jennifer grew up in love with you and the fact that she did not desire you caused her years of turmoil. She bought the lie we tell children that love comes with desire every time. She wanted you, but not as you wanted her.

"I truly believe that if you had gathered the courage a year or two earlier to ask her, she would have said yes. I'm not saying you relationship would have done well, but you would have had one. However, you waited and she grew to understand her own sexuality. You know the rest.

"Now though, she has watched her first love become the woman of her dreams. More than that, she got to make love to her-" not the phrase I'd use for that frantic fuck "- and wants to help you. She was distraught when she called Sarjita and found that you had gone. I was distracting her with work when you arrived."

"Work? What fucking work do you do?" My unintended pun did bring a smile briefly to her. I wanted to bask in that for far longer than it lasted. Damn.

"Jennifer and I are camgirls. Camwhores some might say. We have sex and perform other acts on camera for money." As if I didn't know. "It helps that she has an exhibitionist side, I find that I don't dislike it. It's a decent enough wage." Decent? Was that... had she just tried a joke? Something about her eyes hinted at yes. I huffed something that could be small laugh.

"Okay. And you're trying to set Jenny and I up? Sorry, but that just seems dumb."

"I am not trying, I am accepting the facts. Planned or not, you and Jennifer have something. It may grow or wither yet, but ignoring it would be a disservice to each of you.

"It may help if you understood that we are polyamorous. My issue wasn't her having sex with you, it was her duplicity. If things do somehow work out for you, then we need to be cordial for both Jennifer and simply sorting logistics."

Polyamorous. I knew what it meant of course, I'd just never knowingly met one of them. Jenny was polyamorous. Did that mean we could be something, even with Bethan around? Damn, did it mean I would have to get involved with her too? Don't get me wrong, she's a knockout I'd happily fuck to the moon and back, but fucking is far from dating. I don't date.

And what of logistics? They lived together, surely anything we had would be second fiddle to theirs. I tightened my grip on my forgotten cocktail. Second fiddle? No. Fucking. Way. I do not settle for being second. I drew in a breath, stoking my anger reflexively. I raised my eyes, opening my mouth to speak. Bethan was watching, calm in the face of my anger. She had expected this from me. She knew it was how I coped but had had the grace not to mention. Words died on my lips and we stared at each other. I felt my anger begin to ebb away. A minute later I laughed faintly.

"So. That's how you control things, huh?" This time she did smile.

"Sometimes. Sometimes I use cuffs and restraints. Silence seemed more appropriate here." I was beginning to see it.

"And being here, telling me this all?" She nodded.

" I control the situation. What you learn, that you learn the truth. I think you need to know and would learn parts soon enough. This way..."

"This way it's all as you choose." I blinked as understanding crept up on me. Her remoteness, her dyed hair and probably even her muscles, all were symptoms of a little girl grown up but still very much there, trying to stop the hurt.

"I get angry." I swallowed, forcing myself to hold her gaze. "I push and I shove and I shout. I get loud outside to shut up what's inside."

We stared at other. She was broken, dealing with the world as best she could. Just like me. I'm not saying we liked each, or were friends even but we both knew the other. Recognised in them that part of ourselves. She lifted her glass, I raised mine. This wasn't a toast, it was a gesture of solidarity. Life had crapped on us, we were still here.

We didn't say much more that night. We drank together and Bethan gave me something I'm not sure I had ever experienced before. Something that sated me in a way nothing else ever had: companionable silence.

So, naturally enough, after the pub closed I spent the night fucking Susan.

*

Author's note. Well, this did not go at all as I'd planned. This is the longest, open form story I've written to date and has made me realise that I am definitely a discovery writer. I have ideas, characters and backgrounds, but the characters then decide how things go.

I had intended far more sex and I could have kept going I guess, but this part was already running long and Katya likes her mic drop moments. Plus, I get to start with banging next time for a change.

Finally, my usual plea for reviews. I want your input, whether it's just that you enjoyed it or that you wanted more of X, less of Y etc. Please, let me know.

Thank you for reading.