All Comments on 'Sister Golden Hair Delight Ch. 02'

Funny too. You have explained things very well. The story flows. I am not a literary critic, far from it. As a reader I could not find anything wrong with it. Some might say her salary was outrageous or it sounds like a fairy tale, but when you explain things well it makes it more believable. That is what you are doing here. You are covering their emotions well also. When you do these things as a writer it draws the reader in, they want to see what happens next. Some writers here will never achieve that. Some people will make comments based on their experience in their little corner of the world. Not actually the way the world works, I think you have seen that. The only thing I thought was far out in your other story was the lottery money. People do hit the lottery, but that was what pushed it for me. I found it funny that was the only thing that wasn't true. Maybe funny wasn't right word to use, but you know what I mean. If you keep this up I think you will become very good. I read this because your name was on it. Maybe you could do another LW. The comments may be harsh and misdirected at times, but there are good writers and readers who will tell you what they think. Exactly what they think. Whatever you do, I will continue to read. Good chapter. Take the comments with a grain of salt, you can't please everyone. Thanks.

Five.

love the writing and the story so far.

it only gets better of that i am sure. keep it coming out standing

and i know its going to be a winner.

Every word is to review and hopefully progress anyone interested. I sense by now tho Cali is a light year ahead. . . This is not as good as Ch1. It does not seem or link fully. Lunch was anticipated. On the previous evening. The current work position details arrive too late. The salary offer sublime, but either dream utopian or insane. No try out. No sex hints. A company that took a serious hit. The conversation on two levels, two rails that are not quite parallel. The area attachments, boss loyalty/professional trickery etc. You have gone from a believable cheeky legal assistant confident operator, and we know who runs the office in sits like that, to a fairy. 5-6 youngish deaths, discussed without real empathy, and the story has become a fantasy. Too many ifs, buts, and maybes not covered. This then threatens the tale ahead and fantasy sex is just that, fantasy. I will read on but the walls of this story have been knocked down and will need re-build. This epic will not work on a cloud basis. This is a 4th chapter transform where 2 people have fallen head over heels as they say. I hope we find a lot more of ch1 type ahead. This Is a prodigious work rate.

I find your novella well written and intriguing thus far. I do enjoy the cerebral tale far more than a lot of the verbal diahrrea I accidentally read at this site. I look forward to wading into the next 40chapters. I hope somebody has some fleshy excitement for 100k month plus bonuses.

Yep, Naval surface vessels are ships and submarines are boats. Go figure... Good story. Great flow. $100,000 per month for an executive assistant working on secret government contracts seems about right to me.

Good start but the developments in Ch. 2 seem a bit out there. Offering $1.2M/yr to an untried, unproven, inexperienced executive assistant is a bit of a reach. But I'm interested enough to read further at this point.

My big complaint [and it's a minor one] is in grammar: I have trouble following the dialog without correct use of quotation marks. When one person continues dialog/monologue into a new paragraph, the paragraph should start with quote marks. The last paragraph in that character's speech should close with quote marks clearly denoting where he stops talking.

"Ships and Boats...

Yep, Naval surface vessels are ships and submarines are boats."

In naval terminology, a boat is transported by and launched from a ship. Early submarines were just that, vessels launched from and tended by a 'mother vessel'.

Traditionally, the term 'boat' has lingered though modern submarines are clearly not 'boats' any longer. Two centuries of tradition totally unhampered by progress.

For this kind of money, I'd be willing to learn to give great blowjobs!

and come to work for me for an outlandish amount of money.

I'm enjoying the story. It's well-written and has definite promise, with a strong-ish heroine and a nice guy hero (at least so far.)

May I offer one small comment. You so nearly have the punctuation correct for continuous speech that is broken up into paragraphs. You correctly leave off the closing inverted commas at the end of each paragraph except the final one in the sequence - and kudos to you for that. But you need to start each speech paragraph with inverted commas. That's how it's done. I kept getting lost, because a paragraph with no inverted commas at all is descriptive and not speech.

Looking forward to the rest of this series.

And enjoying the story. But the concept of “easy riches” is a too-common ingredient of stories I’m reading on this site. It just seems too magical to even seem plausible. J.