Slime and Punishment

"Everyone's got their idea on how to get theirs, right or wrong. It could be stealing stuff from your neighborhood. It could be scalping important supplies in a time of need. It could be multi-level marketing in all its bewildering varieties. It could be going door-to-door and using high-pressure sales techniques to sell expensive and overpowered vacuums to those who don't need them. It could be using your celebrity to endorse overpriced knives or online gambling. It could be trying to inflate the value of an allegedly unique yet totally indistinguishable computerized picture of a cartoon ape."

Peri had zoned out for a bit, the way most people did when being scolded. But that phrase stood out to her. "WHAT?" She sneered. That wasn't a scam she had encountered yet.

Tibo shook his head. "Don't ask. The point is, it's ALL trying to make money by taking it from your neighbors. Even if you're technically giving them something, it is still exploitation. Maybe you think your lot in life is bad enough that you can take from the small fries and that's OK. If that's how you see it, then alright. Maybe that's true. But I think that grants permission for just about everyone to do it to anyone they like. All that means is eventually... we're all at home eating soup with a fork."

Peri looked down at herself. "At least you can eat the bits out with the fork."

"But you understand what I'm saying. We shouldn't try to get ahead by stepping on our neighbors."

"And I'm saying that I'm stepping so lightly that you barely notice. I'm lighter on the shoulder than a parrot, and I won't crap on your epaulet."

"You keep using metaphors to make excuses, but that doesn't change the criminality of it. Is this about trying to survive, or is this about trying to outsmart others and feel superior?" Tibo said. "The whole gambit doesn't make sense to me, unless the gambit is the real point. I mean, why go through the rigmarole of pretending to be an inert sex toy... when I would think you could just sell your real self for way more? You just wouldn't be able to steal from people... or maybe you could! There are stories about prostitutes stealing from Johns when their backs are turned. They would just know who ripped them off. And then what? They can't exactly beat you up."

Peri stared at him without meaning to. This whole thing was Gobriella's idea. Maybe she wasn't as smart as she claimed.

"People... like slimes?" Peri asked.

"Based on the reaction we had from chat... about a third of our audience were really mad with what we put you through. It could be enough that we'll wake up tomorrow and already be canceled. That doesn't mean all of those people were... attracted to you, but they clearly sympathized with you. In the modern world, the adventurer that chops up slimes for experience is about as well-respected as the rich trophy game hunter with the tiger-skin rug. Unless the adventurer is fighting an unequivocal evil like a warlock. They're basically facing the same dichotomy of their public perception as police officers. And the Internet really loves an underdog story..."

"But... prostitution is illegal."

"So is slimweed." Tibo shrugged. "What are they going to do? Lock you up?"

Peri considered that, looking off into space. She brought her attention back to him.

"Do... YOU like slimes?" She asked with a tinge of optimism.

"I want slimes to have the opportunity to get out of the scamming business and do regular work." Tibo said. "Not because slimes OWE the world work or anything else, but because the world is better for everyone when nobody steals from anyone else."

"This isn't taking money from our neighbors?"

"You're giving them something in return, even if it's something ephemeral like pleasure. It's the same thing a video game gives someone... on a lesser scale. As long as you're not using manipulative sales tactics to sell... yourself."

Peri took in a breath. To see a slime actually take in a breath that would give them no oxygen meant that they REALLY wanted to say something. She knitted her hands together and said, "So, you've intercepted a crime, and your advice to the perpetrator to get them on the straight and narrow... is that I become an actual whore?"

"I'm suggesting you think about your future." Tibo said. "THAT particular job opportunity will always be there. But every scam has a point where it won't work anymore. It might just be about increasing understanding about the scam over decades until even the average rube aren't credulous to fall for it. If people start to hear that slime sex toys are a vector for that kind of burglary, then nobody will buy them but the deeply stupid, or those that intend to keep you forever... in the freezer."

Peri had not considered that risk before this moment. She felt a chill dance across her jelly. Someone who did this couldn't... use her when she was frozen, could they? They'd have to thaw her first, and maybe then she could get away.

Tibo's sad frown was back. Maybe the unpleasant freezing trap she had fallen for was a deliberate warning. He really didn't seem to have any hostility for her.

"The future is always uncertain. I'm not sure if what I'm doing right now will last forever, either." Tibo said sadly. "There will always be scams, and there will always be people like me trying to inform people about scams. I don't think we're really making a difference outside of just keeping people informed about what to look for and how to stay safe. And in the rare instances when I can talk to one of you directly... I always try to convince them to find another future."

There was a long silence. Tibo always felt that this was the least convincing part of his argument. He sounded like an anti-drug cop visiting a middle school, telling them how slimweed would ruin their lives... somehow.

"I hope you'll take what we talked about to heart." He said.

She slipped out of the basin, almost pouring herself onto the floor. "Sadly, I don't have one of those." She looked about. It was more of a reflex imitating the way solids looked for important things like their keys and potential mates. "Do you have the plastic thing I came in here with?" Peri asked, as if she was asking where her car was.

He pointed to it, turned up on its end on a random box. "If you can fit it under the door, it's all yours."

Peri left it behind without even touching it. There was no way to slide it through that crack between the door and the floor. Sure, she could dissolve the door or maybe even knock that door of the hinges if she made herself really hard. Or maybe she could just open the door from the other side, but how would that diminish her anger?

Really, what was the point? She slid over to the locked exit, allowing herself to melt slowly and slide under it. She turned to face Tibo as she slipped away. From his angle, it was like watching her as she went down a lift with a clear front window.

Once she was gone, Tibo stood up and walked to the door. No part of Peri remained on the other side... though the copper she had borrowed was sitting on the floor. Maybe it was too tall to fit under the door, maybe she really didn't intend to steal it. She hadn't even removed the reeded edge from the coin.

Tibo picked it up from the floor and returned it to his coin purse.

On the other side of the door, Peri ignored all the boxes and other things in the hallway, and slid under the more narrow space between the door and the outside. Peri could feel the draft coming from below with her toes, but didn't know if pressing this crash bar would set off an alarm or some other trick.

It appeared to be morning now, the sun peeking through the spaces between the buildings. How long was she out for? How long DOES it take to be swept up off the floor and thawed? Normally, about this time, she'd be meeting up with Gobriella at the rendezvous point... if she hadn't just gone home to get some sleep.

Peri walked off, not looking back at the warehouse she had escaped from. She was free again. Based on the nearby buildings and the direction of the colossal skyscrapers... she was still on the east side, the same mostly skeezy part of town where she and Gobriella practiced their 'trade,' if you could call it that. Tibo and Rog seemed to do alright with their side project, if they could afford a small warehouse in which to perform this charade...

Especially one that targeted their little two-woman operation. When Gobriella found her and explained this 'brand new idea' to her, it was exciting. A new vector to siphon some wealth away from the solids and help them get out of this life of poverty. Maybe Gobriella was about as creative as she was skilled at the 'flute.'

Was this the moment of rock bottom, where Peri would resolve to change her life? Cut out her friends tied into the criminal element, get an honest job at a paint store or something, and leave this dangerous lifestyle in the rearview?

She watched all the solids walking to their jobs, swinging briefcases and backpacks full of important stuff to make coppers so their bosses could make gold. Maybe the forest wasn't so bad... but in the city, nobody else was going after your coppers.

Despite being able to make herself into any shape... there really was no perfect place for a slime.

--

Peri walked back to the apartment. It sounded way cooler to call it a 'hideout,' but it really was just a drafty apartment in a crumbling building in an isolated part of the bad side of down. She entered through the gently cracked window. She found her favorite corroded zinc bucket and threw it down onto the concrete floor. The sudden noise awoke Gobriella, sleeping on a bed big enough for a human when she was barely bigger than the pillow she was clutching.

Gobriella pulled off her slumber mask to see Peri frowning, stood in front of her bucket. "Oh, there you are." She grumbled, rubbing her eye. "That guy must have had you going all night."

Peri put one foot inside the bucket and began to melt into a denser gel to fit within. "I'm taking tomorrow off." She said, not waiting for a response before her human features vanished.

Gobriella replaced the mask over her eyes. "Sure thing, honey. Whatever you need."

Peri was now what everyone thought when they pictured a slime: a little lump of dense gelatin in a roundish shape. Firmer than the soft curves she was meant to hold when interacting with the solids... not that she minded. Even with her back turned, she could always see the solids staring at her. She used to think it was because they thought she was an affront to nature, AND because she refused to wear or mimic clothing. But maybe that was it. Even if she didn't always 'wear' herself with the bits normally hidden, she still presented the unobstructed female form to the humans... the source of all their desires and strife.

Were there really people out there... who wanted slimes? That elf man from the other night seemed to appreciate her... maybe he would come by again for another round. She'd even give back the sunglasses... if they were still there. Just dig out some old pair of cheapos the fence didn't want. He'd never know the difference.

Peri thought on this as she drifted to sleep, extending a tendril to pull an oversized pan lid over the bucket and provide herself shade from the sun spilling through the window. It reminded her of her first 'apartment,' a little hole in the dirt formed by a risen tree root, where she could just hide herself enough to get some rest.

At least in her little bucket, no adventurers would stick their swords or wand in there to root her out.

---

Harvee walked through the darkened streets of New Mureybat. He was much less drunk than he normally was on a Friday night, only getting a single beer in him before an enormous fight broke out between a cyclops and a minotaur at his favorite bar. He escaped before anyone was thrown through a plate glass window, so that was good enough. Hopefully, the place would still be standing tomorrow, or else he'd have to find a new favorite bar.

It had been a very long time since a single bottle would be enough for him to end the week on, so Harvee started to wander around the parts of the city that he'd never seen. He wasn't worried about encountering any crime. That was vastly overstated by the media. Every year, the city's general crime level grew lower and lower. There was no reason to be afraid...

That didn't mean he was about to take any shortcuts down unlit alleys. He didn't even really have much money on him to make it worth chopping him up for. Besides... anyone who wanted to inflict violence to make money... would just become an adventurer. Why all those low-level creatures had coppers and daggers on them for them to pawn at shops, he never understood. The pawn shop owners probably rolled into the low-level forests with barrels of daggers, scattering them about like confetti for the monsters to take.

This is when he saw a small table under a street light in front of an unused building covered in graffiti. A goblin shopkeep sat on a rock behind the table, playing a flute and rocking her head to keep the beat. Her table was covered in unusual wares of questionable value.

The shopkeep noticed him as his shadow crossed her closed eyes, blocking her from the street light for a moment. "Hello, handsome bearded fellow!" Gobriella put the flute back into her smock. "Feel free to peruse my fine wares!" She spread out her hands before the unusual trinkets for sale. "I've got jewel-encrusted scallop shells, right from the mermaid's titty! I've got dried nymph leaves. They say that grinding them up may work as an aphrodisiac... not that you need it, of course, handsome human man."

Harvee brushed a few of the leaves with a fingertip. "These look like oak leaves."

"Who do you think grows all the oak? Lousy acorns get all the credit... all they're good for is stew." She leaned over to the other side of the table. "Are you an adventurer? How about my Plus-One Mace?" She pointed to the coat rack near the table, with a spiked ball on a chain hanging from a wooden handle, and a few other rather shoddy looking weapons. "Give her a try! Just not on me, please."

Harvee held the handle of the mace and lifted it, the heavy steel ball hanging down. He didn't feel much different. The handle had a plus sign followed by a "1" carved into the wood.

"I don't feel any stronger. It's plus-one strength, right?"

"You must already be too strong to notice the difference, then, Mr. Strong Man!" Gobriella blinked her eyes at him. "I can just imagine your rippling muscles under that coat."

"I think I get it." He said. "If I buy this, the number of maces I own will go up... by plus one mace."

"If you choose to think of it that way, sure." She said. "Can't have enough maces."

"You can, if you work in advertising." Harvee said. "Also, this is a flail, not a mace." He set the flail back on the hook.

Gobriella waved her hand at the device, making a dismissive sound. "I never read the Weapon's Handbook. Someone carved '+1' on that thing, and I believed it. Maybe it was for a guest at a wedding."

Harvee smacked his lips. He really wished he could have gotten his fill at that bar. "You don't happen to have anything to drink, do you?"

Gobriella peeked under her table. If her bucket was full... no, even she knew nobody wanted that. (Peri got super mad when she brought her bed bucket once by mistake, like it made a difference! What did she know about ablution? It sucks having to sit at this table all night with no access to a bathroom. The plight of the working goblin woman!)

Even so, Gobriella saw how she could parlay that innocent question into a likely sale. "Not quite, but I've got something bottled that can satisfy a different thirst..."

Gobriella vanished under the table for a second. She hoisted up a huge glass bottle, nearly the size of a barrel. It held maybe five gallons or so. It was filled with a thick semi-translucent purple substance that barely moved as she rocked the bottle around.

Harvee stared at it. "Is that... a drink?" This felt like one of those hallucinations that derelict sailors would have in lifeboats right before death, envisioning the plenty that might await them in either rescue... or the afterlife.

"It's our newest product!" She grunted as she held the bottle up over her head. "Disposable sex toy!"

"Disposable what?" Harvee half-shouted.

"You heard me right, handsome bearded human!" She said. "Pull out the cork, pour her out, and you can have fun all night long." Gobriella shook the bottle, swirling the contents a bit until the slime spun about like a tornado.

From the whirlwind of slime, a head emerged. A woman's face with somewhat gloppy hair appeared from the churning slime. She made a kissy face at him before swirling about again. He watched as the slime turned into two orbs, pressing up against the curved glass surface of the inside of the bottle.

"She likes you." Gobriella grinned, holding her toothpick in her teeth as she spoke.

Harvee stared at the bottle. "Is she... human sized?"

"She can be goblin-sized, if you prefer." Gobriella fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"I don't prefer that, thank you."

"Ah, you don't know what you're missin'."

"I sure don't."

Harvee watched the contents of the bottle roll around inside, the woman inside trying to dance seductively while so restrained. It reminded him of a genie's lamp. Pull the cork and out she'd come...

"How much?"

--

Maybe this product should have come with a wheelbarrow. Harvee barely got it home, and that was even with springing for the taxi to avoid walking most of the way with an enormous heavy bottle. He swore he'd never live anywhere without an elevator after the last time he moved, and he was very happy with that decision today.

Harvee set the bottle down on his coffee table. He put his hands on the cork to open it, introduce her to the world...

But he suddenly grew self-conscious of the mess he'd let build in his apartment. He ran about, scooping up his magazines, straightening and cleaning his couch cushions, sentencing cups to the dishwasher and empty cans to the recycling.

Inside the bottle, Peri was still a shapeless mass. But that didn't stop her from watching this spectacle through the glass. Did he really think she couldn't see him, that she would come to life once she popped out of the bottle? Did he think this bottle was made with that one-way glass from police shows? Watching him made her understand why the solids find television so compelling.

The customer disappeared into a room in his house. Peri faintly heard the shower running. She couldn't sigh without a mouth, but she wobbled a bit, patiently waiting for him to return from his cleansing ritual.

Harvee returned with dampened hair and wearing a fresh new outfit, not the bathrobe she was expecting. He put his palm over the cork and gripped it. Peri nearly bubbled like a cauldron in anticipation.

Harvee pulled the cork from the bottle, making that distinctive pop that alcoholics loved to hear. With that sound, the slime jumped through the neck of the bottle and landed on the nearby floor. The slime took the shape of a woman with shoulder length hair and a curvy figure.

"Hello!" She waved. "I'm Peri! I'll be your disposable sex toy for the night. I'm down for whatever you could want to do! I can be anything you want! The sky is the limit!"

Harvee didn't say anything. He was dumbstruck.

"Do you like slime girls?" Peri asked, weaving her fingers together and leaning on one leg. She'd seen some solids doing moves like this to appear cute.

"I've never... met one before." Harvee answered. "I don't see many of them around the city."

"Slimegirls get a bad rap, but we can be anything we want! Or anything YOU want." She beamed. "I didn't catch your name, buddy. I was in the bottle and I couldn't really hear. And I don't think people who have sex with each other call each other 'buddy.'"