All Comments on 'Slutty Schoolgirl Slave'

Don't listen to the other comments. You did a fine job, especially considering this is your first story.

this was an amazing story, it turned me on so much and it was perfectly written. Keep it up!

Good start - written well. Wondering if you are going to continue. Would love to see if Chastity get revenge on dear old dad. I see she will have a good time becoming Mr. A's sex slave.

There is something rather annoying about authors who start a story but don't continue it. Perhaps they too should find themselves bundled into a white van and end up with Chastity in the dungeon! Perhaps a spanking or being roped to a chair with that bullet vibrator buzzing away until they finish another chapter. Certainly it is unfair on readers, like those who have already written, not to write more.

Nice start in this BDSM vein. I did think it was going to be a school story at the start. Perhaps with young Chastity being suitably punished in the headmaster's study, so the van was a bit of a surprise.

If you're interested, here are some errors (or suspected errors) that I found. Please feel free to delete this comment if it does not serve you.

[It certainly made finder dates easier, too.]

*finding

[She allows obeyed the rules when she saw fit,]

*always

[Mr. 'A''s, the leader, voice came into her ear, ]

*leader's (should be possessive, just as to whom it's referring)

[Did she also mention that it forced out her tits?]

Wouldn't that be "Did I"?

This is a good start. I am left wanting more.

Easily 5 Stars. Loved this chapter and like many others I hope there is more on the way.

A fearless voice, thanks BGSW.

Hmm, not sure about these moans of frustration that the story was not continued. I think the end reads like that could be all there is.

But I'd like to see more from this author anyway. Regards,

P.M.

Structurally, this is a good beginning for an incomplete story. As others noted, it needs some editing, and I'd add it also needs revisions to enhance the senses – you have started that with the descriptions of Chastity's arousal. [There is a mixture of tenses that requires addressing in the editing. ]

Her capturers lack a sense of being real. Not much emotion among them having a young captive to admire. I get that they were intent on receiving a ransom initially. Yet their actions seem like they were handling the situation as a typical workday affair - kidnapping rich girls from a flaky rich girl's private school. The fear element could be 'punched up' as an arousal factor. Chastity didn't have any sense of that - what girl, swept up off the streets, wouldn't have at least a smidgeon of that playing in the back of her mind as she lay bound and gagged in a speeding van?

You could rename the characters other than A-B-C; that leaves much to be desired. Chastity could give them some thought-up names as she mentally pictures them handing her while blindfolded. Names add reality, as does descriptions of their behaviors.

"Mr. A stood back and admired his work. Even against his all black attire, she could notice a bulge appearing in his pants." This internal dialog might go like this: 'I don't know your name, Mr. A, but I'll call you Richard instead. That thick bulge cries out 'Dick,' short for Richard,' she mused as she watched Richard admire his artistic knots. She tried to smile at the thought of Richard's dick being put to good use.

Your ending was excellently done. A good one-liner. requiring a tense correction. "She doesn't sic. [didn't] know whether to curse her father or to thank him." That line is so in tune with Chastity's character.

Do you know that you can edit your story, make changes, then repost it? Lit has a how-to section that you could research and then correct those things others have noted - assuming you are up to polishing your story or even completing the asked-for continuing parts.

Good start ... nice open ending with lots of anticipation.

I love this clever idea. I would definitely revise and expand it. You've got a lot of potential as a writer, so keep at it!

Part two please.

No idea why this amazing story is rated so badly. I gave it 5 stars and it deserves 6. I sprayed my spunk all over the wall, wishing you were held against it so I could cover you in cum. Thanks for a great O. Read some of my BDSM stories and maybe they will help you cum in return. Write more? And let me know if you ever want to collaborate.