All Comments on 'Small Concrete Actions Ch. 02'

As others have pointed out this isn't really a 750 - word story. It's chapter 2 of a (so far) 1500 word story. And I know that because you need chapter 1 to give context to chapter 2. That's okay, but it doesn't make the two stories 750 - word event. You would have been better off submitting a longer story and calling it that - one story, rather than submitting 4 stories. Just saying it would have been easier and not caused you so much grief in the comments section. By the way - it wasn't too bad.

One word BORING

Not sure what to make of this…pretty here and there and at the same time everywhere…

Good chapter !

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Similar comment to last time...really not sure why something so short split into separate parts. Quite good though.

The author said the quiet part out loud: Katie’s lover was better in bed, and he couldn’t get past that.

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So when in the upcoming chapters we read that he astounded the newer girl with his studliness, the question will remain: why was he not so good with his wife?

The challenge of the 750 word story is to distill a story down to its essential elements.

This reads too much like a laundry list of stuff to do. In just one day I have forgotten what the family dynamics are that would cause her family to take his side and his family to take her side. This would have best been done as a 3,000 word story.

Seems too rushed, not enough too explain her answers to his last demands for information

Still interesting: which of the three points of her husband's demands caused Katie insurmountable difficulties - such that it was easier for her to refuse marriage?

These short chapters suck. If you write more stories, anything under 5,000 words, submit it as one story. also the 750 challenge is just that a complete story told in 750 words, not 4 installments of 750 words. This is just abusing the reader.

Concise ,to the point ,no bull

You write pretty well, but your choices for this initial story were not great. Breaking it into smaller parts serves no real purpose and brings with it all sorts of problems. Offering alternative endings, in my experience, isn’t a good strategy. I would certainly encourage you to keep writing, but also reading…the authors who have been very successful here.

yikes you are now on a slippery slide downward, hope you can save it in the 3rd quarter.

A little too clinical and dispassionate. The whole confrontation with his wife is wrapped up with the legalese of the process which is rather boring. We all know the story of divorce. Most of the stories include it. What brings life to the stories is an unusual twist outside the normal process. Sometimes it's revenge. Sometimes it's an interesting gotcha against the cheater. It gets harder, over time, to provide those surprises because previous authors have already found them. Still, they continue to pop up. Even a well told rehash of a plot device can be interesting. Sometimes good character development can help.

A release, 750 words at a time, is death by 1,000 cuts.

You started out well, until you lost your creative approach.

There is no feeling in this story now.

Too many authors used the preposterous "Alienation of Affection suit." No such action exists and authors who use that line demonstrate only that they are too immature and inexperienced to write anything interesting. Story was clinical and boring, and nothing new.

Not so great. Dispassionate. Something I've been accused of many times. Hang in there. And...maybe publish the entire story at once. D

Many readers don't like 750 stories but I do. The best of these stories don't try to tell a whole story but instead attempt to capture a moment or an emotion. The moment someone realizes their spouse is cheating, the shock of betrayal, the decision on what course a character needs to go down. That is what a 750 story is meant to do. I had hoped from reading your first introduction that this would be what you would try to convey to your readers. After is second installment you appear to simply be releasing your short story one short chapter at a time. The writing is fine, the story ok, the method of presentation poor. Please listen and apply thecomments on this site to your next story.

Clinical and emotionless. Guessing he will find a hot new woman and rock her world in bed when he couldn't with his wife.

Not using an editor means having to pay close attention to your own stuff. You obviously don’t…or can’t….if crap sentences like this survive to get posted: “ My folks and took Katie's side.”. Seriously….read THAT out loud! Crappy Grammar like that just destroys a story.

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Again: lack of conversation just robs the tale of all emotion.

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Plot was awful. Action in NC. So he goes to FL to accelerate things. But that’s where HER parents live? And she goes there? And she can afford a “shark”? Even though fired from her job — in NC — and her parents are on YOUR side? Do you have even a clue how confusing all of that was?

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It appears that having written all of this before posting, you decided NOT to pay attention to comments on first part to make subsequent parts more readable. Too bad. Again: the OUTLINE of a story is here…but your execution of it has been abysmal.

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2 **

Way to short>

A good 750 word story (and they are rare) is short, to the point, and self-contained/complete. This is a 750 word ‘filler’ chapter which defeats the (admittedly arbitrary) purpose. What is the even more arbitrary purpose of restricting yourself to 750 words for each of multiple chapters? Other than making the overall story too drawn out when you could have delivered it in a complete form?

"She was incredible. She went right at what was bothering me: the fact that Katie responded sexually to Arceneaux in ways that she had never responded to me. She made me realize I had been torturing myself over bullshit. She helped me let go of the anger I didn't know I was holding."

This typical councilor bullshit psychobabble. We are all creatures of emotion. And our emotions are all valid. None of them are unwanted, invalid or out of place. We need to accept each and every one of our emotions, like we would accept each of our children, irrespective of their behavior. Rejecting, denying or suppressing any emotion is rejecting a part of us. The councilor was telling him that his emotions or feelings were wrong. That's irresponsible and unethical on her part as a licensed therapist. Anger is a normal reaction and emotion. The therapist should know this. We move through our stages of grief associated with infidelity and betray according to our own timeline not one set by someone else.

The story was all hearing about what happened and didn't put the reader into the action. The only words spoken in Chapter 2 were I said, "Two wrongs don't make a right, but it would make us even." Otherwise it was just commentary.

Too much narration.

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Re: His conditions - 1) How can you prove a negative. 2) SHE can't make him trust her. 3) "Kitchen Pass?" They're usually called "Hall Passes."

Only ONE typo, without an editor!

Well done, welcome to the site.

If all seperations could be like this story flowed. Yeah, yeah some will nitpick at the lack of character building etc etc.

This is a 750 word (per chapter) story. Still, well done!

I can see that you are trying, maybe a little too hard. Sometimes it sounds almost mechanical, what you say. I'm eager for each installment but don't rush things. Take your time, remember the first part took a lot longer to hone. Once the story is exposed, some feel they have to put something out in a short time in fear of being forgotten. A good story stands out every time and you're trying hard. Most of us are pulling for you.

Needs some dislogue between the characters.

Pointless; just an expected walk to ending a marriage. Poor grammar

Your first chapter was good. Small decisive actions showing the man catching the wife and what he did. This chapter was all over the place trying to cram a massive amount of story into a brief spot and doing it poorly.

I have to agree with the previous comments. The 750 word challenge was just that, a challenge for seasoned writers to be able to write an entire story in just 750 words. Most failed miserably! Don't worry about gimmicks. (two endings, 750 words) Think of a good plot, give it some twists and turns and write it from start to finish.

Seemed more of an outline than a story. I found wanting more, a lot more. I can sense that there is more meat to the story and that’s what I felt I needed.

Over all, I agree with others you write very well - definitely better that I can. So don’t hold yourself back.

Look forward to see more.

Nothing of interest, more a recipe of an after cheating divorce.

Writing such a short story forces you to hurry through it. Nothing gets developed so it seems like you're ticking off the bullet points of your outline. Sometime try to write one longer story to see the difference.

750 word stories are a quirky challenge for authors to tell a tale in as short a format as possible. That's fine, but they should not be used as chapters to tell a longer story.

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This could have been good if you fleshed it out properly, adding dialogue to all the key scenes. It would expand the total wordcount from 1500 words to roughly 10k to do it justice, and then you'd have a coherent story at the end. With this you've just got an emotionless summary of events.

Without all the "fluff" this second chapter added nothing at all. At the end of chapter 1, we know the guy is done with the wife and divorcing her. What did this second chapter add? Nothing basically.

All the bit re: 750-word stories has been said, but yeah, most of the readers here can read 3k words in one pass. Your story started out very well, this chapter is a bit clinical and flat. I get that MC is hurt as he isn't the best lover in the world, but that's not always possible even with history on your side. Sometime you don't know, or don't do, what you don't know - the unfortunately deleted "Perfect Enemy" did a great job covering that.

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@anon re: "which of the three demands caused Katie insurmountable difficulties". Hubby asked for *incontrovertible proof* both that she hadn't cheated otherwise, and that she wouldn't cheat again. Neither is possible - prove there has never been a tricolor unicorn in your bedroom, and prove that there never will be. His demands are just another way of saying that the marriage is absolutely done. It's a shame, as I'd be inclined to give her a chance.

Boring 🙄

Something I hope to see you take from this writing project and use in future stories is your pacing. For short stories on this site it's snappy and packs in a lot of action. You'll always have someone that will enjoy it no matter what category it is and what you write about since you're sucked in quick and keep things moving. I see too many alright stories where the writer gets themselves caught up on describing details of something that doesn't add to the story.

My only gripe is that in this story and I believe in the last the endings were just too abrupt. Not so much as in leaving the reader wanting more but like how The Sopranos ended. I agree with the others that complained about the 750 word thing. At times it's almost not a story but a synopses of a story. Some things in the story I'm worried will never get touched upon again and explained in the future stories given how the stories are being written so short.

I assume there's going to be some reconciliation in one of the future stories. You probably know how it will be received. I don't mind them as long as things were fair. But even if good it's still gonna get slammed in the comments so don't let it get to you.

5 stars - For the fist time in a very long time the 750 word format worked for me.

I guess the conditions imposed by the husband were too onerous for the wife to get past.

Tough love worked and the husband is now free.

4 stars. Not bad but I felt this was poorer then the first story and really hurt by the word count limit. Quite a bit of interesting stuff in there that could have been expanded on like his family and hers taking opposing sides, his feelings of inadequacy and why they didn't matter, hearing here confession and honesty, and a more satisfying ending. This story without a real conclusion felt unnecessary, we already knew the MC was getting a divorce, seeing what was a forgone conclusion wasn't necessary. If there was some new love, some reconciliation, some bombshell during the proceedings like blackmail or drugging or something it might have felt more needed but with the short word count no room for anything beyond a outline of events. I think the author has some good ideas and can write but needs to divorce themselves from the 750 word challenge badly.

Pretty good. 3 stars.

It’s difficult reading a story with the characters in a volitive emotional state and not have one line of dialogue. I feel like I’m reading a story about a story.

It was an interesting story when he remembered what his grandfather told him and acted on it. I liked your story but another writer is correct. It needs dialogue not narrative. I am on the editor’s list in Literotica but I didn’t hear from you. Goo Luck and keep writing. I saw no spelling or grammatical errors so you have a head start on other new authors. MtM

How many words does it take to say ‘then I moved to Jax.’ Hint: “Once in Jacksonville …”

Yeah, What Hubby overheard may have been Sweetie trying to impress The Free Pass (whom she failed to confirm w/Hubby pre-nuptials!) But why would she need to impress a Once & Done? BUT … It could, on the other hand, be that one or more aspects of her amorous adventure (length, girth, stamina, recovery, prepuce, dominance, confidence, etc.) set a new standard for her that Hubby could not match. Or that she could not expect him to provide! And, like Hubby’s three conditions, were just not demonstrable.

4* How about if We-The-Readers agree to allow words of dialogue to NOT count against your 750?

You have something going for you in these two, short offerings. There's a good story. At less than 2K words, telling them in this matter was a huge disservice to the story. You can obviously write, so rewrite this as a longer story. By shortening it like you did, you entered the realm of "telling" versus "showing" the reader. It read like a synopsis, a book report, even.

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Expand this to include dialogue, some scenes with conflict and character interaction. MC's fortunes must rise and fall, as he gets tossed about by life. In this telling, MC walks through a running carwash and somehow emerges dry. That's not good fiction. The reader cannot understand the how or the why behind it, much less identify with him. Don't tell us what happened, but show us.

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As written, 5/5. But there is MUCH more in this whole story that needs to be told.

Not bad, clearly she had a bit more extra marital fun than she cared to admit too.

But for the record "My folks and took Katie's side" doesnt happen very often, granted every writer here claims it does every damned time but its very rare.

So next ending the cucksville train is leaving the station?

A kitchen pass?

Dialogue would be nice. Don't tell us, let the characters tell us. This is a book report

3* because this version was mediocre.

More like an outline. I like the story line but it needs lots of context and some dialogue that 750 words don't allow.

Wonder what part of the agreement was the killer for Katie? I’m guessing that this wasn’t the only time she cheated.

Thanks for the report. Very informative. Maybe you could give to an actual writer the notes and recordings of the words, thoughts, and interactions between the characters so that someone could use them to write a story about the failure of Katie as a wife and partner and the failure of their marriage. I think it could be a Very interesting story to have Katie's betrayal and adultery exposed and detailed. I hope someone has the wit and imagination to do that. And thanks for your efforts.

Your word count limit is hampering your writing. It comes across very choppy

Thanks.for writing

I like it so far. A little choppy. Guess his 3 requirements didn't pass the smell test. Bo weeping or complaining but just a straight up "you cheated and I can't tolerate it" attitude. Typical cheaters manual excuses...Oh it was the first and only time...Yea right.

750 word stories are NEVER good! 750 word 'chapters' are even worse, talk about contempt for the readers on this site!

Thud.

That's it?! I thought it was shaping up to be a decent story and then you phone this in?

stupid shit .i had no clue who his was divorceing katie or connie.

Third, I needed a kitchen pass for an affair so that she could suffer the same degree of humiliation and anguish that I had. is that like a hall pass but u do it in a kitchen?

It's not a 750 word story if you have to make chapters 🙄

This installment landed with a limp thud.

It reads like a dictionary.

This needs dialogue, emotion more involved plot and is really not suited for a 750 word story.

Also, what’s a”kitchen pass”?

Hhmmm. Was I wrong re: ch.#1? Perhaps so. Hell, I've been wrong before. LP

He lands a major contract for his company, his salary is dectupled, and his brilliant idea is to move to Florida so he can get a divorce six months earlier. How you, the author, make that leap in logic / reasoning wasn't even addressed.

These stories read like outlines instead of actual stories.

Except for the beginning when he first discvovered them fucking, there is no emotional anything in this story. After that it's all robotic.

Your stories need a lot more work.

What part of the three requirements was she unwilling to provide?

⭐⭐⭐ Too short. Lukewarm. You probably should have published this as one piece, instead of four. There isn't enough here to make the story interesting.

Both good endings. Gave them a “5”

Let's pull this back. Re-write it to include more conversation and more depth.

Seemed that there was more than enough evidence to show the MC had caused the smoke at his home, since he had locked the garage and flattened the truck tires. Too much went the way of the MC without any basis for it.

seams he has not found his story!

loved your short stories. you need to work on writing longer ones.

Still, no finish. More, Please.

The bEAR

Nice next step... and...

Good continuation...and believable.

Who gets in to see the top divorce attorney in the area the same day you call? I would imagine the top divorce ace in the area might have other cases or meetings.

As much a load of bollocks as part one

Made me laugh, I'm sorry but as a Brit, I find how everyone else in Aus, USA for example, uses therapists so much it's always made me laugh that they have to tell everyone else whats going on in life and get other opinions to do the right thing for themselves

Sigh....

I will assume there were no creative writing classes in your school history. Otherwise, your teacher would have drilled it into you to "show" the reader what is happening instead of telling the reader what is happening, which seems to be the only thing you're doing.

The people who are giving you a good review are either being kind or are deluded and too obsessed with sticking it to the wife to care about the actual quality of your story.