Something Missing

"Marjorie!" I said, looking up from my desk as my old friend entered the office. "Right on time, as usual."

"For lunch?" she smiled back, "Always!"

It had been a while since I'd had seen Marjorie, even though we both worked downtown now, so I was more than pleased when she invited me out to lunch. I only had a few friends that I spent time with anymore, as their family lives had slowly taken over during the years, but it was always nice to get together once in a while, or even just talk on the phone, which seemed to happening less and less these days.

"Ready to go, Diane?" Marjorie asked.

"Just about," I replied. "My boss stepped out for a few minutes and should be back right away. We can go then."

"Oh yes, the amazing Justin Miller you've been telling me about," Marjorie kidded. "I finally get to meet him, huh?"

"I haven't said that much, have I?" I chuckled back.

"No, but the fact that he even lets you call him by his first name already makes him awesome in my books," Marjorie replied. "You would never see any of the stuffed shirts I work for do that."

"Well, maybe a paralegal's office is more laid back then a room full of dentists," I suggeted.

"They're all assholes as far as I'm concerned," Marjorie shot back.

The door opened and Justin, a black man in his mid-twenties wearing a very stylish, navy blue suit strode in.

"Justin, I was about to head out for lunch, if that's okay? Oh, this is my friend, Marjorie."

"Marjorie, charmed to meet you," Justin said, extending his hand out to shake hers. "I guess I should have known that Diane's friends would be as lovely as she is."

"Oh... um... thanks," Marjorie replied, shaking Justin's hand. "And you're as nice as Diane says too."

"Oh, so Diane's been talking about me?" Justin asked in a mock, disapproving tone.

"We'd better get going or we'll be late," I said, trying to change the subject.

"Okay, just don't be gone too long Diane," Justin said, his tone still pleasant but becoming more serious. "We really do have a lot of work to do this afternoon."

"I won't, and thanks again for letting me take a long lunch today. You know how crazy traffic can be at this hour."

"Go already, before I change my mind!" Justin said, his laughter showing through his mock anger.

-

"Wow, he is really something," Marjorie said, sounding genuinely impressed. We had just been seated at the restaurant and had ordered our meal.

"You mean Justin?"

"No, I mean the pimply faced waiter who offered to get me a glass of water," Marjorie chuckled back. "Of course I mean Justin. Not bad luck considering... how long have you been out of the workforce now?"

"Almost twenty years," I replied. I had worked as a legal secretary before, but after my second child had decided to be a stay-at-home mom instead.

"Well, it doesn't pay worth shit," I laughed, trying to bring Marjorie back to Earth. "But Justin hasn't been out of school that long, so he can't really afford much beyond the office space he's renting. That's also how I managed to get part-time. He does the rest of the work himself."

"It's enough for you, and besides 'cozy' has it's benefits," Marjorie replied. "And as for the money, you just wanted a chance to get out of the house again anyway, right?"

"Yeah, that's true."

"Nice job, with a nice boss... who's not too hard on the eyes, either," Marjorie observed. "You're doing quite well, my friend."

"Marjorie..." I said, protesting.

"Oh come on, don't act like you haven't noticed," Marjorie teased.

"He is quite... fit... isn't he?" I asked uneasily.

"I'll say," Marjorie replied. "I'll bet he's got some excellent swimmers, too. Hell, Olympic caliber in this case."

"Swimmers," was Marjorie's euphemism for sperm. And having quality swimmers was her way of saying a man was a good fuck. Sure, it was an immature way to speak, but I would usually chuckle whenever Marjorie said it. None of my other friends seemed to even care about sex anymore, and to the extent that we ever discussed it was always within the context of their marriages and that everything was blissfully fine.

"What's wrong, Diane?" Marjorie laughed. "My jokes getting too old?"

"No, I mean... it's just different with Justin... He's nice, and kind..."

"And hot?" Marjorie offered with a smile.

"Yeah, and that too. Even though I'm only part time, it seems like we work a lot together and... I don't know, I guess my mind wanders sometimes."

"Well, I didn't think the tight miniskirt today was just for me," Marjorie chuckled.

"You think it's too much for work?" I asked, worried.

"Of course not girl," Marjorie replied. "You really have been out of the game too long. Besides, I always say, if you got it, flaunt it. With a figure like yours, I bet Justin can't keep his eyes off you."

"That wasn't my goal," I said in protest.

"Of course it was," Marjorie laughed. "Come on, Diane, this isn't much of a conversation if you can't be honest with me."

"It's just that... I don't know anything anymore, Marj."

"He really has done a number on you," Marjorie mused.

"Come on, I'm being serious," I protested.

"And so am I," Marjorie asserted. "Just come out and admit it. You're thinking about... you know... with Justin." And as if I didn't already understand her, Marj moved her index finger in and out of a circle she made with her other hand.

"I've never done anything like that before," I pleaded apologetically. "I mean, I've been married to John for twenty-three years..."

"And we both know how lousy your sex life with him has been," Marjorie said, completing my sentence.

"That's not what I was going to say," I said. "And there's a lot more to marriage than sex. We've had plenty of good times, raised two children together, and John is a good husband."

"Maybe so, but obviously something has been missing. Otherwise Virtuous Diane's eyes wouldn't be straying after all these years."

"It's just that... John has never taken 'it' as seriously as me..."

"And that is a fault, whether you want to admit it or not, Diane. Listen, I don't doubt that John is a good man; I've never had any reason to think otherwise for as long as I've known you, but not wanting to satisfy your partner says something about you. It's selfish."

"I don't think he's selfish, it's more like he doesn't think it's that big a deal," I reasoned.

"Well, he should," Marjorie insisted. "For Chrissakes, how long did you two go to marriage counselling because of this?"

"Long enough to know that it wasn't helping," I replied in frustration. "But Marj, I still care about my marriage. The last thing I'd want to do is jeopardize that."

"How old are the kids now?" Marjorie asked.

"Robbie is 21, and Beth is 19," I replied.

"And both are off in college, right? You've done your part, Diane. Good wife and mom, no one's going to know... I certainly wouldn't blame you if you wanted to live a little now. John positively wouldn't figure it out."

"We do seem to spend a lot less time with each other these days," I lamented. "That's partly why I went back to work."

"It's funny," I mused, "but I used to hate going to work so much before. And now... I seem to enjoy it there more than I do at home."

"Actually, I'd say it makes perfect sense, all things considered" Marjorie said.

"And Justin... he isn't looking for a relationship, if you know what I mean," I awkwardly added.

"Of course, I do. What is he, twenty-five? I doubt he wants a couple of step kids that aren't much younger than him. He's a just a hot and horny guy looking to boink his secretary."

"Wait a minute," Marjorie continued as her thoughts became clearer, "Have you and Justin talked about this already?"

"Yes and no, I mean he's made his intentions towards me pretty clear," I responded.

"Intentions?" Marjorie chuckled. "What it is this, the 19^th century? You mean he's made it clear he wants to fuck you."

"Marjorie!" I scolded, motioning towards the waiter that was nearing our table. "A little subtlety please."

"You seem rather comfortable about this," I continued. "I wasn't so sure what you'd think, considering what happened between you and Harold."

"The situations are not at all alike. Just because my husband got bored after twenty years and decided to trade me in for his teenage secretary doesn't mean you don't have the right to explore other options. John doesn't care much about your sex life, he's made that pretty clear by now. But back to you and Justin, if he's just looking to get laid, and so are you, then I don't see the problem."

"I'm not sure what I want, Marj, other than I know I don't want to hurt John or the kids."

"What they don't know won't hurt them, Diane."

"Yeah, well, the idea of cold, passionless sex doesn't exactly appeal to me either. If it did, I could just pick up some random guy at the bar right?"

"I doubt you need to worry too much about that with someone like Justin," Marjorie said.

"No, I feel a certain connection with him that's quite... intriguing," I replied.

"Then what are you waiting for?" Marjorie chuckled. "If it were me, I'd march straight into his office, lock the door behind us, and screw the hell out of him right there."

"Yeah, well, I'm not you," I said. "I'd like, you know, maybe a little romance too. If it really is going to happen, then I'd like it to be special, at least for the first time."

"So bring in a bottle of wine and have a couple of drinks first," Marjorie continued on with a laugh.

"Are you really serious about doing this Diane? No offense, but sometimes you're more talk than action."

"I think so... I dunno, maybe. I mean, I really felt like I needed to talk to somebody about it though, which was why I was so happy when you called me today. My mind has been frazzled about this whole thing for weeks now."

"Weeks? How long has this all been going on between you and Justin?"

"It all began a few months ago, not that long after I started working for him. A little mild flirting here, an appreciative glance there. I admit, I kind of enjoyed the attention. Not that I still don't get that sort of thing from men, but not usually from anyone as young as Justin."

"I don't why girl," Marjorie interrupted. "Hell, you still have a fantastic body. You look more like thirty than forty-six."

"Now you sound like Justin," I laughed. "In fact, he says a lot of the things you do."

"Like what?" Marjorie asked.

"Like despite me being happy with my marriage, perhaps there's something that's been missing all these years. I was a little surprised by his bluntness, but he can be that way sometimes."

"And that maybe he has what you've been looking for," Marjorie added.

"Yes," I said. "He said he's not looking to be in a steady relationship right now in his life, but that he's met a few women like me over the years and approached them about... you know... getting together."

"What a trooper, a saint for being so considerate," Marjorie joked.

"It's not charity, Justin made it pretty clear about his attraction," I answered.

"I'm sorry Diane, I didn't mean it like that. You're a beautiful woman; in fact the two of you are a cute looking couple. Neither of you is settling in that department."

"Thanks," I replied. "But Justin made it clear that it was more than that. He told me his biggest turn on was to be with an attractive married woman... especially a white one."

"I'm not sure what to say about that," Marjorie went on. "I mean, I guess we all have our thing. What about Justin being black, is that something you're into?"

"I hadn't considered it until Justin brought it up, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how the much the opposite he is from John, in literally every way. And yeah, there is something about Justin being so different from what I'm used to that really excites me. So I suppose him being black is part of that allure, although there's plenty of other reasons I find Justin attractive too. Sorry, I'm babbling now. I still find it kind of weird to talk this way about another man."

"It's okay Diane, I mean it's not like we haven't had discussions like this before, although I get why it's different this time."

"Anyway," I said, continuing with my story, "After telling me how he felt, Justin started asking me out. You know, drinks after work, that sort of thing, but I turned him down every time."

"Why?" Marjorie asked. "I mean, it sounds like you were more than interested too."

"I was scared, Marj," I replied. "I don't trust myself around him anymore."

"Well, isn't that the whole point?" Marjorie chuckled. "I'm sorry again, Diane. I know this is all uncharted territory for you."

"After a while, he started being less persistent. For a while there, I thought maybe he'd lost interest and decided to move on. It's weird, but I actually felt a little disappointed."

"Is that when you started wearing the short skirts?" Marjorie joked. "I kid, I kid. But seriously Diane, this guy sounds like he knows what he's doing."

"Yeah, it's been a while since I've played mind games like this with a guy," I replied, blushing slightly. "And yes, that's when my work attire changed too. Silly, I know."

"Not at all," Marjorie said reassuringly. "Besides, If I had legs like yours..."

"He's actually more of a T & A man," I chuckled. "But yeah, he's made more than a few comments about my skirts too."

"And?" Marjorie asked.

"And it felt good," I admitted. "John doesn't seem to notice those things anymore. Hell, I can't even remember the last time he looked at me like Justin does. I can feel him undressing me with his eyes, and it's unnerving, but it's so exciting too."

"Like Justin said, something is missing," Marjorie said.

"Yeah," I said with resignation. "Anyway, it all came to a head, so to speak, a few days ago."

"What?" Marjorie joked. "You gave him head?"

"Quit it, I'm being serious," I laughed back.

"Okay tell me what happened," Marjorie said.

"We were working late one night at the office, and when it was time to leave my car wouldn't start. Justin knows a little about cars, so he came to take a look at it, but he couldn't get it started either. I called John, but he gets up early in the morning and was about to turn in for the night. He did offer to pick me up anyway, but then Justin offered to give me a ride home, and I accepted, telling John to go to sleep without me."

"Mmm, this is getting interesting," Marjorie said.

"So we get into Justin's car, a small two-seater, and drive off. Nothing that unusual; Justin being his typical, flirty self, but then when we get to my place he parks in front and turns off the engine, and we just there and talk for a while. The conversation gets a little more serious, more intimate than normal and, I don't know, there was just something so charming about him. I didn't really see it coming, maybe I should of, but at some point Justin moves in and kisses me."

"Wow, I didn't know you two had done anything like that," Marjorie said in surprise.

"It was the first time we'd done anything physical," I replied.

"Well, how was it?"

"It was amazing, soft and tender," I answered, my face getting flushed again. "And full of desire. Before I knew it, were both passionately making out in his car."

"Holy shit Diane, why didn't tell me this sooner?" Marjorie asked in astonishment.

"Like I said before, I'm so confused about all of this, I don't know which way is up anymore. All I know is how exciting it was to be in Justin's car with him. Terrifying too, since even though I was sure John was asleep, you can never be completely certain. The longer we stayed in the car, the higher the risk, and I knew I had to get out soon. That's when Justin's hand took mine and put it in his lap."

"Oh my god, was he?" Marjorie asked.

"Yeah, and that's when a new shock hit me. Marj, he was enormous..."

"Holy fuck," Marjorie whispered.

"I mean, I'm no size queen, and for all of John's faults I've never made an issue about his size, but Jesus, Marj, I'd never felt anything like this before. He must be at least eight inches."

"He really is the opposite of John in every way," Marjorie said with amusement. "Even in the dark you could never mistake someone like him for John."

"You could probably be drunk out of your mind and not mistake him for John," I chuckled. "And Christ, I've never felt anything so hard. Just a little bit of kissing, and it was already like a steel pipe."

"And I bet he knows how to use it too," Marjorie said, before adding sarcastically, "So a young, sexy guy whose hung like a horse wants to get into your panties. What a hardship you face, Diane."

"I never felt so conflicted; my heart was racing with excitement, but I knew I had to get the hell out of there too," I said. "It wasn't easy, but I did, trying to fix up my appearance as I walked up to the house. Thank god John wasn't there, because I looked in a mirror when I got inside and my hair and makeup still looked like hell. I don't know what he what have thought if he saw me like that."

"What happened after that?" Marjorie asked.

"The next day I told Justin that we'd been reckless, even getting a bit upset with him. I told him my marriage meant too much for me for us to ever take a chance like that again. He was actually pretty calm and understanding, even apologizing for getting so carried away in his car. He also told me he was glad to hear that that was the only thing bothering me."

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"I mean, that you're okay with what we did, just unhappy with how we did it," he replied.

"And then it hit me Marj," I said. "As silly as it sounds, I didn't realize it until then. I had already cheated on John, even if it had only been some kissing and one quick grope. And of all the emotions I'd felt until then, guilt hadn't been one of them."

"What's wrong with me Marj, shouldn't I feel guilty?" I asked.

"It sounds like you feel guilty about not feeling guilty," Marjorie joked.

"Almost," I chuckled back. "But seriously, I don't get it."

"I'm no doctor, but if you want my opinion, I'd say that deep down you realize what Justin said, what I said, is true. You love your husband, and you care about your marriage, but you also know that you aren't that compatible with John sexually. And someone like you, or me for that matter, can't be happy or complete without a good sex life too."

"By the way, how is your sex life?" I asked.

"It sucks, but we're talking about you here," Marjorie replied with an uneasy laugh.

"So what should I do?" I asked.

"Let's be honest, you've already made up your mind, Diane. Justin said as much to you the other day."

"I guess you're right," I conceded with a sigh, "but I do feel a lot better talking about it with you."

"Do you need permission?" Marjorie asked, tongue-in-cheek. Gesturing with her hand in front of her like a preacher and his flock, she said, "I hear by give you, Diane Hines, permission to do everything your lusty heart desires with your young, sexy boss, as long as you keep it discrete."

"I never get tired of your quirky humor," I laughed. "And strangely enough, I do feel better."

"I'm happy for you Diane, even a little jealous," Marjorie replied. "And people with crappy sex lives like me need to live vicariously through people like you. Keep me updated on what's happening, and don't leave out any details."

"I will," I promised. "We'd better get going. We've already been here longer than I told Justin we'd be away."

"Oh, I doubt you're in any trouble," Marjorie laughed. "Although it might be more fun for you if you were. I'm sure Justin could think of plenty of ways for you to make it up to him."