All Comments on 'Something We Have to Talk About Ch. 02'

There were a lot of tiny errors all over --- "two," "to," "too," "there," "their," etc. --- but most were not fatal. They're just annoying.<p>

And I mean not just the constant pleading, begging, "but despite what I've just been saying, Susan, I still love you like hell. Please, sleep with him but come back by Monday, Okay?" nonsense ------ Those long, tedious, pleading, begging, and repetitous passages were, yes, very very very annoying, too, yes.... I don't think even Mother Teresa would plea that much, that long... and, believe me, she took her subjects very seriously: ie. she dearly loved all of them!! ;o) <p>

Then, there's the timeline/time-flow thing: in one paragraph, for example, you explained how the begging hero's grandpa died, leaving him tons of money; but in the NEXT PARAGRAPH you talked about getting "the grandparents" together to discuss final divorce preceedings. A good editor could have helped you with those unnecessary backwar time flow errors. If you had said, "I got Susan's parents to meet with me and we blah, blah,,," then it'd would have been okay, too... but you didn't do it, so it became a time-flow problem...<p>

Last: changing from a third/neutral perspective at the beginning ---- "Jonnathan was crying all night after he heard Susan and saw his extra 40 pound flabby stomach in the mirror....." ---- to the first person perspective in the middle of the story ---- "I was screaming at her and then I begged her and then I dropped exhausted on the couch while she took off without a word..." --- was NOT a good idea. <p>

Just pick one perspective and stick with it; it is more affecitve than switching perspectives. You didn't need to create extra little problems like that on top of all the other little, annoying problems you already had going......

Good story line. I think he whined too much but thats me. Take your time and re read and rewrite several times before you submit your story. All in All not bad at all. Keep writing, It gets easier as you write more.

you should rewrite all of her works in a more realistic way. The spelling and grammar mistakes were not bad enough to in any way affect or effect the story. The husband came out better than previously and the pimp lawyer was really a very stupid man who associated with very stupid women. His ex was a real piece of work, pure trash and very mentally ill all the time. Only a woman with a mental illness does the things she was doing to herself, her children, her husband, and her parents. Hubby was the only sane one in that relationship and he showed emotions and acted in accordance with what he needed to do achieve what was best for him and his children. You dont need to physically beat a man to get revenge. Drug bust, ruining of an affair, confiscation of his property, finances, and legal certification are very good revenge even if he didnt have to spend years in prison and become a convicted felom. (Hopefully a bleeding heart wont become president and forgive his conviction.) Dont forget Nici's works, all of them, need to be rewritten to be more realistic!

a Good story and a decent 1st effort. I am NOT sure why this author thinks NICI's opinion matter since she is a mentally ill lesbian with "AGENDA"

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That being said the Husband/ Jonathan character is well a borderline wimp and a whiner.

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he states repeatedly <b>I will NOT be a cuckold</b>... then pleads in the very next sentance t Ssuan -<b>please come back</b>. Well lets see.......IF she has been fucking another man for a year THEN takes He takes her back with No consequences...what would that be called?

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a cuckold....

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Next issue.... In the beginning there is

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Mom spoke first, "Jonathan, where are the kids now?"

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"At her parents place, they don't know anything about what happened or about Susan's adultery.

They have been there all day yesterday and will be there all day today" </i>

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WHY hasnt this guy told Susan's parents what she has been doing? <b>IF he is still willing to take her back... for whatever fucked up reason... the telling her parents can ONLY help his case.</b>

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NEXT issue the DRUG bust and susan...

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WHY was it necessary to Spare Susan the arrest at the Drug Bust at her lawyer/ lovers Home? This is never explained and given her awful terrible actions very hard to justified...

A very good first story.

It needs an editor for both grammatical purposes as well as for brevity.

The 'weak points', as outlined in the previous comment, give the story realism and believability.

This is painfully bad writing. I'm forced to agree with a previous poster: get an editor to help clean up the typos, grammatical errors and sentence fragments. The prose is stilted, stiff and contrived. If reading this tale could be expressed as a sound, it would be that of a busted chainsaw. There's no flow to the story, and the pacing is erratic. The dialog is simply too awful to be believed. Nobody talks like this.

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The story should've been entitled "Jonathan Has to Talk About Something" since Susan's character figures so little into the telling. Beyond the bare minimum requirement for Susan to act as a foil against which the protagonist's heroics play out, her character was superfluous. It was comforting to know that his mom and his grandad were such fine folks. Near as I could tell, they had absolutely no faults. None. Amazing, isn't it?

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Insofar as narrative drive to the story, there is none. The only reason I continued reading the tale to the gritty, gut-wrenching conclusion was so that, like the man who climbed Everest, I could speak definitively as to why. "Because it was there."

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Last but certainly not least, I appreciated the ongoing endorsement of the fine quality of Ford F-250 diesel pickups with supercabs (even if they do got some trash in 'em). Gosh, if I'd only known how good "Found On Road Dead" trucks really are, I'd've gotten one long before now. If the author had just included some scenes with NASCAR racing or maybe a tractor pull going on in the background, by cracky, that would've been just perfect.

It takes guts to write a story and post it where it will be torn apart with criticism - constructive or not. Most of us will never do that. We either don't have the talent or the guts to expose our feelings, thoughts and emotions - so for that you get my admiration. That being said, this story needed a proofreader and editor that might have minimized the obvious spelling and grammatical mistakes as well as giving advice for writing style (narrative, description, passive, focus, characterization, plotting etc.).

Congratulations on your first attempt. Please keep writing.

...and not nearly enough intrigue or excitement. What little I read did not generate enough excitement to "turn the page" and read on, so I skipped to page 5 and found that nothing had changed. If you're a "RealDoc" I question the validity of your degree. Your grammar, understanding of word forms, etc., were greatly lacking. A real doc would have known enough to use spell and grammar check. Both are free with the Word Perfect program. I strongly recommend that you stick to your day job. Writing is not it ... at least not yet.

this was a much better efort than nicis ...i guess everybody got what they deserved ...her cheating ass lover lawyer ..glad to see he ended up with nothing ...his wife i still would have preferred that she was concious of what she had lost..oh wel at least he ended up with what she thought she had and enough money to never have to worry again..again maybe nici could take lessons from you on how to write a story

Before writing another story, the writer should brush up on the common rules of grammar and punctuation. His expertise in those matters is very underwhelming as illustrated by this...whatever it is. It's not a story. It's a rambling recitation of a particularly uninteresting period in a man's life.

Why did you waste so many words on a boring story? For the idiots that read these comments, no I did not read it all. I scanned over most of the useless dribble.

i think your story was better than nici story.you over reacted about the temper and the love he had for the wife.most white writers protect the the white whore slut wives and that take away from most stories.you find way not to come down on them after they have shit all over the hubby.a lot of justice or revenge loving wives stories would be great if the writers punish the hell out of them and stop trying forgive them.

out of focus towards the end. All the money was a distraction and had nothing to do with the story ... especially since he went back to work.

I've had Ford trucks all my life and they are trusty, but, damn, nothing is that trusty.

The writing is generally okay but definitely needs tightening. I suggest you take a look at Lit's volunteer editor program. Find someone to help you with this and resubmit. I guarantee any future stories you write will be better for the effort.

The story was interesting - I enjoyed reading it.

Regards, Jack

I liked what you did with the story. I do think the dialogue was too long and repetitive in its meanings. I also really think you should keep writing it is very hard to put yourself out there for the first time writing a story. There are some wonderful writers in Literotica who I hope will give you advice and encouragement. Please take what critical and civil advice has been offered to heart and ignore the self-serving type advice, and of course the stupid comments of people who have there own agenda of what the alone think is good and want to vent it towards everyone else.<p>Again please keep writing and it will get better with practice. I have to give you a 100 for trying so hard with a lot of effort obviously given to this story.<p>Thank you for the entertainment and good luck to you in the future.<p>PT

First and foremost I do think you stayed with the basic theme Nici had in mind. I would bet she did not have in mind the plot twists you did, but they were good. In some places less detail would have moved the story along, but frankly I would rather read too much than have the story jump important aspects of the events.

I think you did an excellent job and hope that you write some more.

not great, but as a first effort it was ok. the plot was better then Nici, but there were weakness - grammar, spelling, word misuse, time shift, ect. an editor would help with these.<P><P>

as a side, i think there are some holes. <P><P>

1. banks and automatic fund removals - have you tried to shut one of these down once you got it going? what a pain! the banker would have said "sorry, we can't do that!" an account has to be closed to shut it down like that. otherwise the automatic fund removal has to come from the other end. it is a minor point in the story, but just shows you hadn't gone thru the experience.<P><P>

2. legally i don't think the home recordings would hold up in court - wifey could just say she was lying to him, if nothing else. i am not sure disbarrment of the lawyer could had started with just those. it just seemed you didn't do your homework again. an author has to check these things.<P><P>

there was more, but that is enough. kudos on writing, hope you try again and improve.

The author asked for construtive comments, so here are a few more. First, don't give up your day job. Next, quotation marks "" are used in pairs, so the reader can tell when a quote begins and ends. Aside narrative remarks should not be included between the quotation marks. Now about homophones. Learn what they are, make a list of the more common ones, then search your text for them and correct accordingly.

Finally, it astounds me when authors apparently never once read what they have written. That is thumbing your nose at your readers. If you had read it just once, I'm sure you could have eliminated some of the more than 40 punctuation, homophonic, typo, spelling, dangling sentence and technical errors you are asking your readers to suffer. You don't need a volunteer editor, as some here have suggested. You need to respect your potential readers enough to re-read what you have written and apply the editorial process any worthwhile author possesses. If you don't have the skills now, and it appears you do not, then spend some effort acquiring them before inflicting your work on more hapless readers.

Use an editor. Check your spelling (It's "courier"), stop mixing up sound-alike words (using "to" when you mean "too"). Most of all cut down on the pointless extra discussion of irrelevant details and ideas, like the annoying references to the truck, which he obviously likes more than he ever did his wife.

I would have liked the story better if he had let her go to assholes house instead of drugging her. She would have been jailed and he could have gotten a quick divorce from a felon, with full custody of the children. Keep writing, but get an editor. Regards, Luis

I'm not in the habit of trashing sincere efforts by first-time writers, and I won't here either. You did, however, ask for constructive criticism, so I am offering that. First of all, you have a pretty good take on nici's story. It's quite a bit different than some of the other follow-ups, and it shows you have some ability to put together a cohesive plot. Having Susan fall into a catatonic state, however, was a bit of a stretch and a bit of a cop-out. It allows her to avoid any serious consequences of her actions and gives Jonathan a way to indefinitely postpone the inevitable breakup. And while I don't know much about mental illness, I doubt if this would happen in such a profound and abrupt manner, especially since I don't believe the trigger for this episode was as major as the story makes it out to be. Her boyfriend was busted? OK, so how does this sent her into a mind-blowing state? And, besides, it seems highly unlikely she had no knowledge of what was going on, to the point where seeing him under arrest would be such a shock. We also never really got a resolution to the bodily changes Jonathan observed: the tattoos, the piercings, the bruises and the ligature marks. There was the vague reference to a prostitution ring that she "may" have been involved with that perhaps explained her sudden mental collapse, but the dots are never connected in a satisfactory way. Unlike some who've commented, I did catch the significance of the truck. It was his link to his past, with the sound and smell of the diesel engine triggering his sense of well-being. There were some superfluous elements that could have tightened the story, but overall I didn't find it tedious, as some have. Obviously, you need to work on grammar and punctuation usage; that's a given. The biggest criticism I have is the abrupt change in voice. You start out in third person, then halfway through the story, it reverts to first person. That's a major, major flaw. Pick a voice and a tense and stick with it. I'll reiterate what others have said. Find a good editor and heed that editor's advice. Don't let the negative feedback get you down. You're not writing classic literature here, so don't be discouraged and continue to have fun at this. That's really what it's all about.

In spite of the badly mispelling, (I realize that in a story this long it's hard to get every little detail right) however the mistakes did not intefere with the story,as some has done. Many stories have been rejected for much less. My personal feelings about this is that we are not school children who need to be graded by strict , uptight teachers.

I found your story very good and informative. You have done yourself proud by taking one of nici's whatchamacallits and making it enjoyable.Hope to read more such in the future.

thought that this was a very absorbing story,and was by far the best "sequal" to Nici's so called story.I hope you write more stories .I didn't care about the few spelling or grammatical errors as I was not marking an English exam paper.

Loads of grammatical and syntatical errors, bizarre phrasing, etc. but a far better story that CH1

This was a really good job. It is hard to believe that this is your first effort. I will look forward to reading many more of your stories.

What an absolute piece of garbage, crudely written and full of far too much family, God, and diesel truck shit. It's not nearly as believable as other attempts to follow up Nici's initial story. That was a half hour truly wasted!

I had a little difficulty with his wanting to get back with her after her admissions but he was willing to keep his family together if she would agree.. He wound up financially secure so the kids would always have what they needed, and then some.. Everyone wound up happy, though.. Except Susan..

especially for a first effort. as others have pointed out story is in serious need of editing. you obviously have some talent and Dynamite Jack's suggestion about Lits volunteer editor program would probably do wonders for you. thanks for your effort,hope to see more from your in the near future. BTW...serious mark down because of all the references to the Ford F250 deisel! ( i'm a Chevy guy) lol don

Finally! It's about time we had some good ol, god fearing, right wing, nazi crackers start making some righteous family focused contributions to this god forsaken web site, which homosexual, Negro loving, drug addicted, Jew perverts have for too long dominated. This un-holy domain with it's pornographic tales of bondage, debauchery, and countless other perversions to sick to mention, needs the right hand of holy righteousness to show all of us poor lost souls the path to becoming BORING good ol, god fearing, right wing, nazi crackers.

Started out great but end very unsatisfactory. Often in these stories the husband gets revenge but we don't know anything about wife---why she did it, what exactly happened , various motivations, how she thought--it's usually just left out of the story and is quite unsatisfying......In this story, the catatonia effects the same thing---we don't know any of the details about her behavior..--its a cop out for author...also medical stuff quite unrealistic---and drugging wife also unrealistic and could have led to O.D.....almost like it needs an overhaul ending of events starting from when she is home on the fateful arrest day

Not a bad effort. Story good, sensible plot. But the dialogue was cumbersome and did not read truely as a person would speak it, if you see what I mean. Susans character was too blinkered, too self centred to be raregular person.

In this story, in addition to the other alternate endings to nici's original, Susan's boyfriend is characterized as a dastardly son of a bitch. There's nothing in nici's original story to support that. Instead, nici's original Susan is a narcissistic bitch who acts with complete disregard for Jonathan. By making the boyfriend a vile criminal or otherwise unsavory character, I feel that exonerates Susan from any blame in her adultery. And that irks me. At least nici's Susan is a self-absorbed manipulative bitch who fucks up her marriage all on her own. She was never drugged or seduced--she walked into the affair willingly, with both eyes open. She's a despicable character, and we, as readers, can hate her for that. But to make Susan a victim let's her off the hook too easily.<p>RealDoc portrays Jonathan as wishy-washy, unlike nici's original characterization. As others have pointed out, in this syory, Jonathan vacillates between refusing to be a cuckold and wanting to stay married to Susan. He can't have it both ways: either he accepts her after she has made him a cuckold or he gets rid of her. Frankly, what Susan has done in this story is neither acceptable nor forgivable. Sure, ten years of marriage is a lot to walk away from, but she made it impossible for him to continue in that sham of a marriage.

What is the fascination with people on Literotica with doing sequels/alternate endings/ alternate viewpoints of this story, which was a piece of crap to begin with? The original sucked and was not in any way realistic, yet, Literotica authors are falling all over themselves to re-do it. Try writing something that's your own, not a rehash of someone else's dreck.

The husband was a bit inconsistent but I suppose that could have been intentional - i.e. he was confused about the sudden (from his pov) loss of his marriage so he swings back and forth from anger to wanting to fix things. Even if its a somewhat believable reaction to what was dumped on him with no warning, I dont think it works in fiction. The wife was bad enough that the husband seems weak/dumb/confused for even making a token effort to work things out. <p><p>

Maybe you didnt want to make him take a hardline because you knew what was going to happen to the wife in the end and didnt want him to seem heartless. Problem with that is that when he was backing away from being as indignant as he should have been, he had no idea that she was going to have a breakdown later. Im sure you would have gotten shit if he was meaner so I dont really know how he should have behaved given her eventual pathetic state. <p><p>

I also dont have any problem with making the boyfriend out to be a scumbag. Some say its not in line with the original but I say it is given the limited info nici gave about him (and considering that the info was the perception/opinion of the wife who didnt seem to have much of a grip on reality). Some will say that screwing another guy's wife doesnt make you a bad guy but I disagree. Even if you concede that point though (adultery doesnt mean you are bad), he was worse than that. He didnt love the wife and want him to leave the husband so he could be with her. He wanted the husband to keep paying for her so he could have a on-demand piece of ass without any overhead. He also wanted to force the husband to accept being a cuckold and gave her advice on how to go about emasculating him. <p><p>

I agree that there wasnt much info on him in the original and what there was, was second hand. All the indicators point to him being a bad guy though. Nothing wrong with spelling out just how low he is imo. I also dont think him being a lowlife does anything to absolve the wife. If anything, it makes her worse. Added to all her other faults, she is a poor judge of character (I would say dumb too but that was already a given from the original).<p><p>

Anyway, I think the story was ok. A fitting end to a screwy start. Her being nuts is about as believable as any other explanation. Her actions and words in the original go far beyond just being dumb and self-centered imo. Crazy is about the only thing that fits given the original was told from her pov and she couldnt see how viscous and stupid she was acting. <p><p>

Thanks for writing and I hope you keep sharing.

It started quite solid I liked the picture you presented of the family which gets together when one of its members is in trouble. I even came to believe the somewhat unusual character of the husband: somewhat limited intellectually and emotionally, and apparently also has some problems with impulse control (we learn that from the repeated warnings from every one at the end of each conversation). <p>

But As Jack Straw explains in his comments, the whole conflict evaporated when the author makes the wrong decision and cops out by choosing one of the ‘off the shelf’ maneuvers (more like a poison pill for any plot), where you suddenly find that one of the antagonists has been hypnotized/ drugged/ blackmailed or have undergone any type of coercive devise which takes away from that character, especially a character which have been describes as “strong willed”, any ounce of free will. Strangely though, being forced into prostitution did nothing to the wife’s fragile mental health, but watching her pimp being busted suddenly irreversibly regresses her into early childhood (I’ll have to confess that at that point I was wondering if you haven’t allowed your Psychiatric imagination run a bit too far…) <P>

Suddenly we are back with a walking – talking rug doll that looks like a woman. Now, with a poor catatonic woman, at their hands, the husband and his charitable family know exactly what to do (even the divorce can wait for few years, why not?). <P>

The only problem is that the late introduction of the “drugs angle” does not sit well in the story. It feels like you did not know exactly how to bring the conflict between the two main character into closure, especially when divorce with a fully competent woman seemed to be inevitable, but for some reason, for you, also unacceptable. So you kind of talked yourself out of the conflict and out of the story and into another track which does not bear much resemblance even to the beginning of your own chapter. With only medical concerns at our hands the story becomes kind of uninteresting. Looks like you solved the problem but killed the story. <P>

I do appreciate your efforts but strongly advice against ‘plot killers’ as tricks out of the hat which makes for an easy ending but which also indicate a decision to avoid coping with the initial conflict. Good luck in your next submissions.

I feel much of my comments will be a continuation of Kolkkore’s.

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Don’t listen to the “don’t leave your day job” comments. For a first write, you did quite well. Writing a story or reading a story and knowing how the writer messed up are two very different things. Until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, you all shouldn’t be so negative.

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In the beginning, it seems you went a little too far into cliqueisms to make your point without the consequentialism to back them up. A refrigerator full of beer and no food, and that in a family household? The idea of his examination of himself is very good, excellent, from nothing comes nothing. Yet, you went too far I feel.

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I cannot see the addition of his mother and grandfather into the story as being bad. Other writers in their sequels pulled in other persons to take action, and I feel that with the conditions as they were, and that both were so terrible at communicating, it is logical for such to happen. Selfishness, the unwillingness to work at their marriage, and their lack of communication was the core illness on which their marriage died.

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You do have some interesting takes on the Jonathan character. I like reading about how others see people, especially men judging male characters. Yet, I would have liked to see more emotionalities from him.

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I did find some of the conversation between the two trite. If he’s so angry, is he going to call her, “My love”? Here would be one more reason for having someone else edit.

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In writing my little “story”, the fact of their both being very normal people, having only fallen into abnormalities was paramount. Your characterization of Susan’s lover and the events following I dislike very much.

1.) There was no need for any demonizing of her lover. The whole conflict was about their marriage, and he was not a part of it. He was only an instrument in the destruction of it.

2.) The addition to events did not add value to the story, and in fact took away from the reality of the story. The Calvary coming to the rescue is very romantic, in a male chauvinistical way, but in reality, that never happens. The issue of this story was coping and confrontation. Without each person facing issues and coping, coming to solutions, nothing has happened. Because of those events, Jonathan was forced into a state of being emotionally handicapped.

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To those who commented about the “catatonic state”; I do not find this unusual, such states do not happen abruptly. Yet, in this case it is unusual. Susan’s mental condition tended towards Narcisstic. According to the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, typically a catatonic state is induced by drug addiction, schizophrenia (catatonic type), bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, or depression… also contrary to Susan’s condition. Xanax is a drug used to combat Agoraphobia or panic attacks, also a possible “precondition” to catatonia.

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Still, for all this to happen… the timeline is far too short. Susan’s mental breakup would have been “viewable” long before these events, even to a non-professional.

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This is the problem with bringing in such events into short stories without the proper buildup to and the knowledge to backup them up with. We are all amateur writers, and even if perchance, we do write about something from our personal learned trade, there are so many areas where we need to keep things general. There will always be some reader who is far more knowledgeable in that area than we are.

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Overall, your sequel did have its highs and lows. This was your first story, and I am glad my little “Teaser” brought you out of the closet and into feeling the need to write.

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My rating of your story is only a 50 percent because I feel you took off too great of a bite for your first story. The additions you put into the story made the story very complex, and without very good writing skills AND most importantly experience in writing, this only made the storyline confusing. Try something simpler the next time and shoot for quality not quantity.

For those that continually comment on how incomplete or trollish my story was:

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It was never intended on being anything but a “Teaser”… a little story to make you feel and think. Since so many of you felt, wrote comments, and sequels, I guess you did feel emotionally involved and did do some thinking.(No I'm not saying my story was fantastically written! Only that I did make my point.)

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Was I trolling? Is JPB trolling with his stories? They too have accumulated quite a few sequels, and do a lot of “teasing”. Why add more to a story than is necessary to get the point across?

Well done a very good ending to a story that was a turd. You have changed what was wrong and made a story I could not quit reading! WELL DONE!

Well done a very good ending to a story that was a turd. You have changed what was wrong and made a story I could not quit reading! WELL DONE!

There are a lot of haters on this website. Or maybe the word is rather self-righteous readers/writers who comment on "literotica" like its the wall Street Journal. My dude, good story, I love the adjectives described for how the husband felt for his car. Apparently some disagree, a man's attachment to a car is really strong, and you'd be surprised when something as devastating as what happened to him, most people will turn to what makes them happy. And to this husband his truck was it. There is nothing unrealistic about that. Im sure some people who describe the some other pastime in the shame fashion. Honestly for a first time story, that was amazing, and long but drawn out enough to keep me interested and no skipping entire paragraphs to get to the main story, it all made sense and was coherent. And to the people who commented on your lack of writing skills. They are obviously reading to many lack-luster romantic novels. They are looking for something else that this story wasn't.

Lastly, what’s with all the medical doctors on here commenting on the possibility of someone calling a wife their love even when being angry, or the possibility of a catatonic state, or the unrealistic view of using drugs to knock his wife out. You must know nothing about the psychological mind, drugs to knock someone out realistic as all HELL! Heck it happens all the time, and the face that you could hate your wife, but you would still call her your love because the husband did truly want her back even after the fact is still very realistic. Lastly...catatonic states being addressed by people who don't know what they're talking about is laughable. Catatonic states are caused by much more then what was listed by some of the people who left comments.

GOOD STORY!!!! Continue don't listen to the haters, who think constructive criticism is bashing you! I only commented because of the long list of “expert” writers bashing you…lmao…Good story once again!

I loved the story, but your writing badly needs editing. However you should continue to write. You have a gift for telling a story.

Aside from the usual comments about the grammar and spelling (which I'll skip) this was a really good read! A bit long, but marvelously thorough! A lot of info left out, such as the nipple piercings, bruises and such, but otherwise well done!! The message that a husband cuckolded wrongfully really does need to "keep his cool" was a really good one, and necessary to so many badly hurt spouses.

Well Done!

NICI is a serious fucking whack job. If she thinks your stoiry is good the suicide is the only possible alternative...

RealDoc You made this much better with a justifable ending for Jonathan well done.

Pat

I think you did well for your first time but you should get a spell checker or a dictionary to correct your spelling keep up with the stories RealDoc.

Or should it be afterbirth? You fuckin' peabrain, where do get off telling talented writers how to write. You post more misspelled useless bullshit at the feedback portal that any ten anonymous trolls combined. You are the one that should get an editor for your one-sentence critiques, better yet, try writing a story of own. That should keep you busy for about fifty years. Sorry RealDoc to use your space but I've had it with that retard. He should stick to wanking off instead of commenting!!!

Who ever was in charge of editing could have done a better job. In many instance sentences were hard to read (words missing or wrong words used). Otherwise I enjoyed the story.

Doc, I regard this as the best ending Ive read to this story. Great Job. Keep writing. Look forward to a new no wimp story soon. Thanks

YET ANOTHER fem who projects into males her own emotional way of living her life. No way do any men live in and with their emotions the way you fems believe they do, nada.

I don't know why you took on a continuation of this particular story unless you're of like mind as the other writer which you must be, two peas in a pod you are.

I think you need your head examined as does your conspirator.

content is filled with sex, money, betrayal, revenge and a happy ending. henry and susan got theirs, while it all seemed to work out for the rest.

This story makes me laugh. IT NOT POSSIBLE FOR ONE CHARACTER TO BE SO STUPID, the author made this into a comedy.

If nici ever sees you she should punch you in the mouth you are by far the worst story teller i have ever read and i have read some bad ones.

Androgeny does not become you puta. Give it up. If you cain't write no better than this you're a loser. I can always tell where a puta writer is comin from and androgeny is that which most of you are comin from.

is a complete idiot [5/24 comment]. Nici's story was dog shit from the start to end - this particular effort tries to establish some reality against the original godforsaken pitiful pile of trash. Yes, it was hard to like either character but the ex-slut wife was better off deceased than someone wasting money on her. The good news is that she would be no longer polluting the gene pool with her inferior DNA. Hopefully, her lover gets everything that ass wipe deserves also. Keep up the good work, author!

She also made a drunken wimp out of johnithan. I likedyour re write much better that the original which was a piece of shit

To me, it was a different story after it took off from Nici's story. It was okay on its own merits, but you definitly took everything out of Susan's hands. I have to say I liked other author's endings better because they continued on with Nici's story line. Still...your's is not bad...

THAT WAS BORINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! THO CHAPTERS WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH.

A good start is all I can say, tho clearly it had a LOT of ideas, they werent properly weaved into the story.

This is the first of your stories I've read. The hero's character was well developed. There were a lot of interesting themes that went unexplored in this story. Your finish seemed forced. An ending other than a 2 paragraph discussion of a wedding would have been more satisfying.

The number of typos and grammatical errors really hurt the story. The stilted, formal and non-conversational style of writing was hard to take. In this case there was no need for the reader to wish for any realism. The weak passive character of the male was no balance for the supposed morality of his positions on marriage and fidelity. The dialog sounded more like sermons than feelings of a hurt husband and father. Nice touch in the beginning for the male to recognize his dereliction to the marriage.

That would have solved a LOT of problems. First, after the arrest she would have little chance of getting custody. Next, she'd be out of the picture for the divorce.

I liked the idea of the laptop and would have worked it into the revised ending. Being rich and getting rich from your enemy is a good thing.

At least the lover and slut got some well deserved punishment.

It was a fun optional ending with some good payback - it was a bit stilted as observed and the style I saw in later works from you was missing - even your language use is less sophisticated. Your writing has definitely changed and matured since this one,

Keep improving and relax a bit more it willo help with the conversational tone.

I have a couple of things that don't make sense to me. first why are the males so fucking weak and second,why does he care about what happens to her ass. she fucks him over and you make him look like a pussy, burn that bitch at the stake. move on with the kids.

I really enjoyed this story. Very well written and plotted. Great detail of separation and divorce.

Good plot twists, and a prisin sentence for the asshole. Thank You.

A lot of good work in this story, a very good read.

can you perform a pre-frontal lobotomy on your self ?? Believe me, you need it !!

great story

I was disappointed with the original story and with the original authors sequels as well as the efforts of at least one other author to turn this story into something more palatable. I do like your sequel much more than the others. It also saved the original story as far as I was concerned.

Got your lobotomy yet?? Trust me,you need it.

Great save on this sequel because the original was a pile of dog shit [from Nici - the man-hating cunt].

Nici originally set up a very emotionally charged situation and left it hanging in so many ways. You did a good job of rounding up the loose ends and making the story whole. While I would have liked some parts different I willingly grant you the literary license, as author, to take the story in the direction you did. I hope you continue to write as I see great promise here.

That said, get and use an editor! The spelling and gramatical errors are really distracting.

Retarded story and retarded author.

You didn't exact enough revenge. The original cried for revenge and although some is gotten here, it could have been better.

the fat cock smoked, buggered by the meaty one, betrayed!

The husband is still a fucking wimp even at the end! This story is so fucking ridiculous it made me want to punch the author. Here we have a slut who's cheating on her husband and belittles him, threaten to take him to the cleaners, she spends more time with her lover than her husband & kids, she shows no respect for her husband & kids -- but this fucking sorry ass wimp of a husband is begging, pleading for the dirty slut to stay married to him!!!! WTF?! What real men do you attribute this bullshit story to? I didn't see the revenge that was bestowed on the fucking disrespectful whore wife, she's catatonic because her lover/lawyer isn't there to fuck her any more as well as give her legal advice, I think the moronic husband actually thinks its because of him ... Susan doesn't love anybody but herself, she has no respect for her husband and after reading this bullshit story neither have I. What type of man will sit at home & wait for his supposed loving wife to decide to grace him with her presence after spending a couple of weeks fucking some other man? A Fucking wimp that's who! Even the ending sucked ass, first off I thought he was still married to slutty Susan; so how can he marry this church chic? I didn't read anywhere that states he finally divorced the cheating tramp, I remember reading "the divorce was dropped" . Susan: please Susan stay home with your husband who loves you" you don't get more stupider & wimpish than this loser. How could he still Love such a nasty vindictive bitch who threaten to take his home, his children & his money from him? I just really disliked this story, I can't get myself to like the ending. I would've divorced the cheating slut the moment she told me about her affair -- fuck the begging--- I would've taken my chances with the courts but instead he allowed this delusional blubbering idiot wife to treat him like scum . Ugh I'm disgusted...

... but this tale needs some serious editing.

One could see exactly when the story went into the arean of the absurd. It was the drug busts.

Suddenly, Nici's very plausible tale of a woman who fell in love with another man and tried to make him like it 'for a while' suddenly turned into a prostitute drug mule with a perchance for S and M. Huh! REALLY?

Cause mom's with kids are HAPPY to be prostitutes and drug mules.

Of course we needed the billion dollar pay off....oops...sorry...only a few million. No one came looking for the money either.

Susan is convieniently catatonic, so no grief there. The kids are his, he's rich and his new wife can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. What is not to love?

Someone who likes a plausible story?

And the man turned my stomach, whining about her rings coming off and threatening to beat her for that. Feh! He was incredibly weak feeling. He was a robot. "Must go to bank. PING!" "Task accomplished. Must go to Lawyer. PING!"

There was a difficult situation here. Nici was probably tired of reading all these tales of women being stupid, unprepared and left desitute in all these stories. So she made one where the realities of divorce which hit a man hard were displayed.

Waving the Magic Writer Wand to fix all these problems (convienient drug bust, convienient coma, convienient millions) was taking the easy way out. The man was not going anywhere wihout suffering. Instead we got a Disney ending.

Too many odd things going on in this sad story. The Mother, Grandfather and their friends all seemed too convenient. Then you threw in some religion. Then you threw in some drugs. Then you threw in some mental issues. Then you threw in the offshore banks. The only thing you missed in the formula was he wasn't a Navy Seal. All told, this was a really disjointed story, woodenly told. You really need to get an editor. Or at least proof read your work a few times.

She now has at least some excuse - drugs make you do stupid things?

Not enough and he gets to be a hero by saving her - sorta. Then they live a happy carefree life - now who is living in their fantasy? Jonathon it seems.

But Nici's ending was no more satisfying so go for it -

on the Lit. network. TK U MLJ LV NV

she was going to dump him like trash, but he wants to take care of here for life.....really? The have state homes, let welfare take care of her ass.

When she was taken to the hospital and examined they didn't find any drugs in her system - just the Zanax so...

...my point - she had to be indulging with her lawyer buddy of her own free and willing volition!!!

Well, it's hard to stop loving someone when you cared so much for them but really, he would need to move on which - he eventually did.

Taking care of her mental needs was something a guy like him would do out of respect for the good loving years and the feelings of the children for their mother.

As to her state of shock - for an attitude smart bitch who was cold, calculating and deceitful, I am surprised that she went into a state of shock - doesn't fit...her cold attitude and with no drugs in her system...she liked what she was doing - Period!

Cuntbuymy why are you worried whether RealDoc got permission to write this ?

Bud, focus on your own stories and not go courting troble (meaning becoming an ass and sticking your nose where it doesn't below.

Love your stories Cuntbuymy but your comment is so unnecessary.

First, if you're still alive email me so I'll know whether to keep posting to you or not.

Second, I haven't read your story yet, (your follow up to Nici) but I did run it through 'spell check'. Regardless of what some commenters said, an unedited story is disrespectful of your readers. Please proofread what you put on line; it reflects badly on your work and on your profession. You misspelled physician in your biography.

Third, read but pay no attention to anonymous comments. Pay attention to Harvey from VA; he's an excellent reverse barometer. Ignore anything Nici has written she's been defending what is exactly what she intended, something that was thought provoking. Her story compares with Troubadour's story 'How High a Price'. I hope you've read that.

I don't know what you've read, but DQS has written When We Were Married; it's got its problems, but it might be the best thing out there, because it's essentially autobiographical. Read all Rehnquist's, Matt Moreau's, HDK's, Just Plain Bob's, and KK's stuff.

Email me if you're alive.

Thanks for the effort.

BUT,

you really need some one to proof read your writing before submitting it.

.

I had not really liked Nici's start to this tale, and I think you did an excellent job of finishing it up. Disregard the comments from the anonymous idiots; they are gutless, and try to tear down almost everyone/everything I have read on Lit.

Also liked the references to the F250! Remember it means First On Race Day. LOL.

How does she get from "providing comfort for a hurting widower" to being part of a drug and sex ring?

Poorly conceived, poorly written, poorly edited, poorly proofread and I hope you do not speak nearly like you write dialogue. To quote R.L. Burnside, "It's bad you know."

Good story but a bit drawn out , I am sure you will get better with time .....

mostly for your imagination and effort to take this dog of a story to some kind of palatable conclusion. I liked Iron Dragon's take on it, no prisoners. I liked Texas Tall Tales version up until the last where he left the door open for reconciliation. I like the conclusion of your tale because you didn't have a psychologist come in a blame Jonathan and when the therapist tried to tell him it might not have been her fault that she destroyed everything around her, Jonathan didn't buy it.

I thought that you were a little stiff in your character's relationships. Not a problem, should work out as you get comfortable in your writing. I thought that since you sent a different direction from Nicci you might have allowed Jonathan to have a little back bone, all of that telling the cheater that he loved her and begging her to come home, all would be forgiven. No telling how many diseases she would have really given him. He was weak and she lost her respect for him and began to openly despise him. How does he continue to grovel after all of that?

1 star

It sounds like RealDoc started out with Nici's classic set-up and just started writing. It followed the original fairly well, for a while. Then it started getting a little flaky ... then flakier ... finally, bizarely flaky. It is generally better to conceptualize a story overall point, then fill in the parts and details following that guide.

If Bull Lawyer (Henry) was seducing Sweetie to be one of his 'working girls' it took WAY too much time (and effort) - just go down to the bus station and recruit runaway girls (plus younger and more pliant!)

If BLHenry was trying to secure a future mate for himself (somewhat older MILF and her kids?), why abuse her? ... and why try to keep Hubby included?

No ... the story just keep growing as RD was writing, I think. IF We The Readers were willing to accept BLH as Master Drug Lord, why NOT steal his multimillions from offshore banks (well known as 'Most Naive' about bank fraud.)

And, catatonia from simple frustration (due to a thwarted plan) was a major cop-out. Coulda just said ..."Then magic happened - Sweetie went 'Poof' and never came back."

RD really needs to proof-read, but it is more critical to develop a plausible scenario!

3*.

It was not my cup of tea, yuk!

The story flowed fairly well at first and then start to fizzle out. In the end the reader was left hanging. There needed to be some closure. Maybe the wife comes out of her mental protective shell? A scene where the former spouses could finally talk about what went wrong and seek forgiveness/closure would help this story resolve in a more satisfying manner.

The catatonic state of Susan was very distressing to me as a reader. I was overwhelmed with curiosity about Susan and her relationship which was mostly implied by the author. The author could have Susan awaken in a sequel if they chose to satisfy readers' curiosity's such as me. Thank you for a five stars story.

But at least it put an end to the story.

The execution of this tall tale is a firewalk of bad English with a consistently infantile tone. This was the second Lit story in a row that I have read with stupid and unnecessary errors in the very first paragraph. I should have bailed and cut my losses.

Thank you for finishing the garbage that NICI posted claiming it was a story.