Spice Up Your Marriage

Summary: A lengthy advice essay on how to spice up your sex life.

Note 1: This is a Valentine's Day 2024 Contest entry in the How To category.

Note 2: Thanks to Sams Island for some suggestions for this essay.

Spice Up Your Marriage

I have been asked many times over the years about how to rekindle a marriage (or more accurately, how to spice up a sex life... although in my mind the two go hand in hand).

Now, there is no easy answer to this as every couple is different, but before I start with some suggestions based on experience and/or research, I should note something very important. Some marriages need much more than an extra spark, they need serious help, perhaps in the form of professional or spiritual counseling. Other marriages may still have a healthy foundation, but the reasons for a drop off in expressing that love sexually may also require medical or counseling intervention. Making those judgements really needs to be your starting point.

I may dive into those deeper issues in another essay one day, but this particular article is aimed at couples who agree with these three basic statements:

-You love each other

-You find the other sexually attractive

-You want your marriage to work

This is about stroking, soothing, and massaging egos and hurt feelings, as well as body parts. Making conscious decisions to inject both gentle romance and hot fun into our relationships. And basically blowing the embers of desire back into flame. And if the sexual innuendos weren't enough let me be even more clear.

-Bad marriages generally lead to bad fucking.

-Bad fucking can lead to a bad marriage.

-Good fucking is good for your marriage.

-A good marriage leads to better fucking.

-Better fucking leads to an even better marriage.

-And so on, and so on.

It's up to you to pull your marriage out of a downwards spiral and get it back climbing up into the atmosphere of love.

So, why listen to my thoughts on this matter? Because even though I've created hundreds of sexy scenarios in my stories, even to the point of outrageousness, I'm not really bouncing from bed to bed in my lesbian-dominated community or being passed around from one big-dicked black man to another. I'm a middle-aged woman who is fortunate to be in a loving, sexually active marriage with a man who is willing to continue playing and experimenting so that new sparks keep flying. And I'm also fortunate to be part of a wider erotica community that has shared many interesting and exciting ways to keep the sexual flames of love burning, even in a long marriage. So, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, let's talk about sex, baby.

A couple last thoughts before we get into the heart of the essay:

For men... if your wife isn't having sex with you doesn't mean she doesn't get horny anymore. Sure, her libido could have taken a hit from post-partum, menopause or any other plethora of reasons... but there is still a sexual being inside... so the question you need to ask is what has changed and how you can understand and help?

For the women... if your man isn't interested in fucking you as much as he used to, he is still getting off. Usually, it is to some online porn, but still he is getting off... men seldom lose their sex drive (although I am talking generalities here and indeed there are men who do lose their sex drive and most lose some of the quick reload that comes with youth). Sure, they may have problems getting it up or ejaculating (which can be very masculine crushing for them), but they still want sex.

PS: There could be a whole essay on the physical issues that hinder a couple's sex life, but I'm not enough of an expert to delve deep into those things... so instead I'm going to give suggestions and things you can do that hopefully will work for any couple regardless of the reason the flame of passion has died down or been completely extinguished.

With that said, let's get into tips to rekindle your marriage... and men you may not like the first one... but it is the easiest way to rekindle your sex life... more so than any of the other ideas I present later on.

1. COMMUNICATE (This is called talking, MEN).

Now I know there is no worse phrase than 'we need to talk' coming from the lips of a woman you love, but in this case, those words can save a marriage or rekindle a dormant sex life.

Now, I should note also that while men hate talking about this, and usually blame their wife for a lack of effort (she's not as wild as she was when she blew me in the bathroom of a hotel at a wedding, or she doesn't suck my dick and swallow my load like she used to, or she doesn't dress up in lingerie and five inch heels when I walk in the door begging me to fuck her (by the way all things I have done for a man at some point in my life)), it really does take two to tango; two who have equal responsibility in this situation.

Women, conversely, don't want to talk about this either. They don't want to admit they are not as sexually fuelled as they once were, that sometimes they'd just rather read a book than actually have sex, or that getting him to come quickly is so she can be back in the living room in her warm cozy pyjamas in ten minutes (I have also thought or done all three of those things). They also don't want to be blamed for the lack of sexual encounters... even if it is partially or largely their fault. Plus, these conversations are hard and there is an innate guilt often associated with the diminishing fire in a woman's libido.

So, the solution.

Share your feelings... concerns... in a safe environment.

Do it without alcohol.

Do it calmly.

Look into each other's eyes when you speak.

Hold hands.

Light a candle or better yet a diffuser with a relaxing scent.

Turn off your fucking phones (that is a good idea for almost every aspect of life, actually).

And most importantly... do it by speaking from first person. What do I mean by this? Don't do the YOU thing. It instantly puts any man or woman on the defensive and the conversation goes nowhere, someone gets angry, which usually gets the other person angry and things don't get better and likely get worse.

For example, don't say: You just don't suck my cock as much as you used to, or you just don't seem interested in sex anymore or you rather watch the football game than spend time with me. As you can see these are accusations and will almost never be met with a positive response back. Likely they will respond with their own YOU statement and things escalate rather quickly into a fight from there.

On the other hand, when you speak from your own perspective, using your true feelings, it is way more likely to go better. After all, a person's feelings are never technically wrong... at least in their eyes. What I mean by that if your spouse says something like "I often don't feel I'm being listened to," or "I feel insecure about my body after the baby," or "I don't feel we are spending enough time having sex," their feelings are their feelings, it's what they actually believe, and as such isn't wrong... and you are not blaming your partner.

Now that doesn't mean they are also technically right, either (I know, I know, what you're thinking... typical psychological bullshit... but bear with me). In college I had a boyfriend who wanted to fuck all the time and if I didn't say yes every time I didn't love him. In his mind, he actually may have believed it, making it true in his emotional state, but untrue in reality. That said, and this is super important, especially when trying to understand women, but also works for many men, people are often in an emotional state and as such the words chosen to be spoken will impact the situation... as does tone, eye contact and so forth.

Back to my point.

First, discuss the main concern.

Second, going back and forth share one feeling you are having with your 'I' statements. By the way, and this is mostly for the men, by starting with I and then saying you defeats the purpose. For example, I feel you don't put any effort on the bedroom anymore is a YOU statement cleverly disguised as an I statement... but it does the same damaging thing, it gets your spouse on the defensive and no longer listening or solution making. Instead, they are creating their own YOU statement.

Third, listen. Actually, this should be first. As without listening, the purpose of a conversation is redundant. For example, don't be eagerly waiting for your chance to respond, so much so you miss out on the words that are being spoken to you as every word matters. Just be in the moment. Be there for your spouse. Listen with an open and understanding heart.

It no longer matters who is to blame....

It no longer matters about the past problems....

What matters is how you move forward.

Fourth, respond first to the concern of your spouse. For example, if he says he wishes the two of you had sex more often respond to that statement. Don't counter with your own concern, you will have time for that later. Instead, acknowledge his concern on a warm way.

Fifth, don't take anything personally. This is very hard. Yet, critical to the communication. As I already mentioned, human nature is to get defensive or feel guilty. For women, don't feel guilty about the lack of sex, work with your spouse to find a way to find a middle happy ground. For men, don't feel guilty for being too busy working for sex, just realize that your wife sometimes needs to be placed first above work, sports, and kids. By the way, these two concepts can be reversed for gender as sometimes it's the man who is the reason for a lack of sex or the woman who works too much. Lastly, although I am writing this under the concept of a husband and wife, this advice I believe would work for a lesbian, gay, trans or any other relationship two or more people are involved in.

Sixth, come up with a solution and a plan. Agree to the plan. Stick with the plan. Make sure to not allow yourself to fall back into the trappings of life that led you two to have this conversation in the first place.

Because remember these key things:

-You love each other. I mean if this isn't true, stop reading right now and get a lawyer. I'm serious. If you don't love each other don't stay married for the kids. Don't stay married for convenience. Fuck that, life is too short to stay in a loveless or unhappy marriage. I saw this firsthand with one of my sisters and after years of feigning happiness, she is now truly happy in a relationship with another man who treats her like the queen she is.

-You find the other sexually attractive. Remind yourself of this. Compliment each other often. If on Instagram, send pics to each other (they don't have to be dirty pics, just pics to remind each other why you love each other). Compliment your spouse in a variety of ways, not all sexual.

-You want your marriage to work. That is why you are reading this essay. Read this essay and if you feel there is some merit in my suggestions print this essay off if you don't want your significant other to know this article came from a porn site (although we will Talk about why porn is good later in this essay), and read this together. I would even suggest stop at this exact juncture and have a serious discussion to confirm you both say yes to the three key things listed.

PS: If you both agree. I suggest you both get a drink, perhaps shed some clothes (I'd keep the nylons on or put some nylons on... LOL) and cuddle up under a blanket.

Sex is good for your health. Regular sex has a plethora of benefits including keeping you slimmer, lowering breast and prostate cancer (cancer society should really come up with a campaign aimed at adults called Fuck Cancer where they encourage people to have more sex), stronger hearts, lower risk of depression, improves your immune system, improves sleep, reduces stress builds confidence, motivates people, and keeps you feeling young. And, of course, all those things will make you each happier... as the cycle of sex continues.

So once you have discussed and agreed what the problem (s) may be and discussed possible solutions, continue on with this essay as the rest are a variety of suggestions. Not every idea will work with every couple or individual. So read these together, perhaps have a piece of paper each and write down from 1-12 (twelve being must do, 1 being no way ever) your thoughts on each suggestion.

Remember there is no one solution for all couples.

Best wishes on rekindling your sex life.

Put the time in.

It will be worth it.

They say, happy wife, happy life... which is a pretty good old adage.

But perhaps the better adage for this issue is, happy mating makes for happy mates (thanks to SamsIsland for that witty slogan).

2. Date Nights

Now, before we get into the variety of ways to physically rekindle a sex life, we have to rekindle the marriage and the concept of basic intimacy. If you are already doing regular date nights then scroll down to the next part).

The odds are if you are stagnant in the bedroom, you are almost for sure stagnant outside of the bedroom and you may not even realize it.

For example, is your marriage in a rut... a routine?

Do you come home, get out of your work clothes, make dinner and eat it in the living room while watching Wheel of Fortune (there is nothing wrong with that for the record), do dishes, and then spend the evening in front of the television on the couch or worse yet on two separate chairs? If so, you are in a rut.

Break the routine.

One: plan a weekly date night (monthly at bare minimum). This does not necessarily have to lead to sex as the purpose isn't actually about sex. No. The purpose of this is to reconnect. To get out of your routines. To be alone just the two of you. To talk about your day, upcoming events, a future trip, the kids, life or whatever else you want to talk about.

Possible date nights:

-go out for dinner at a restaurant you have never been to (a nice one where you get dressed up... I personally love any reason to get all done up for the night and that usually does lead to my man getting lucky).

-go to a movie (hold hands throughout it).

-go to a street that has a few cute shops, quaint cafes and diverse people and just stroll (hand in hand of course).

-go bowling (I love watching my man bend over in a pair of tight the jeans as he rolls that ball... for the record I am a terrible bowler).

-take a class together (we did a ballroom dancing class for a few weeks once and it was a blast, once my man got over the fact we are doing a dancing class and he isn't exactly smooth on his feet; for the record, it's not about the class, it's about being together and being a little intimate in a new way). You can do cooking classes, pottery classes, or even yoga which I am currently planting seeds for my man for the fall.

-do a one evening event like a wine tasting (a must do), a paint night, or even an online cooking event

-go dancing (I'm almost 50 so it isn't easy to find a dance club that isn't a bunch of 19-25 year-olds drunk and stupid (which I am not judging was I as once that girl, but it's not my scene now). Over time I have found myself and my man most comfortable at a smaller club that has live music. These venues tend to have an older clientele, less strobe lights (they give me a headache) and the bands usually play a lot of classic rock like Jessie's Girl. In these establishments, I have a drink or two, let loose, dance like no one is watching. My husband even gets into it... at first begrudgingly... eventually he becomes less self-conscious and lets go too. For the record, a couple of drinks, some calorie-burning dancing, and there is a good chance of sex later in the evening (I have been fucked in a bathroom of a bar (just last year), given head multiple times in the car as he drove home and recently, just a few weeks ago, we were both so horny we walked to a hotel a couple of blocks away from the club we were at, booked a room and fucked for an hour through multiple orgasms).

-have a couple's night with at least one other couple (you can do any of the above or something new like a board game night or special event costume parties for say Halloween). On that note I always get fucked on Halloween. Why? Yes, partly because I am dressed in some slutty outfit in nylons that drive my man crazy and we seldom make it home before I'm being impaled by his cock, but equally as important is we ALWAYS do couple's costumes. We go shopping together as soon as the costume stores open, we try on a few (taking pictures of each, of course) and choose one together.

-don't want to leave the confines of your home? Have a date night at home. Order food in (do not, I repeat do not, cook on date night (unless date night is a cooking event obviously), dim the lights, and cuddle together where at least one of your hands is ALWAYS on your spouse: hand, leg, feet. This isn't foreplay, it's couple's time. Have a glass of wine while you do. Cuddle close.

I'm sure there are many more ideas for date night. Feel free to share in the comments area at the end of the essay your perfect date night. Seriously, let's work as an erotica community to help every couple in a bit of a rut spice up their love life.

3. BE SPONTANEOUS

[Author's note: I hate to step on my own spontaneity, but I wrote the first draft of this essay in August 2023, with plans to hold it for a February 2024 release. I did some late tinkering with it but opted not to go back and fix every other reference - trying to retain the original spontaneity, you see. 😉 But hopefully, the timeline will track for you.]

One thing I have discovered is the power of spontaneity.

In my view, this can be a lot of things. You likely know if you read my work my husband works in the oil industry and can be gone for days or even weeks at a time. I often fill the lonely time with a spurt of work, for example, as I write this, he has been gone the last few days and I had churned out Backseat Stepfamily for the Summer Lovin' Contest and started three other stories, before I just felt compelled to take a break and write this essay after reading a flattering and yet sad e-mail from a female fan. And while the activity fills the time, it doesn't eliminate all the loneliness. So if out of the blue, Hubby texts me 'I love you,' my heart melts; if he sends me a picture of something he thinks I will like (for example he texted me a picture of a dress print a couple of days ago with poppies on it which I love... I hope he bought it for me (he did)); if he sends me a selfie back in his hotel room all dirty and sweaty after a long day (there is just something about a man all sweaty; of course, there is also something about a man all clean shaved and dressed up in a suit too); or if a dozen roses show up from a delivery man or in person when he walks through the door makes me all warm inside. It's this thoughtfulness with no possibility of sex at the time that shows love. Although, he almost always gets lucky when he returns from a lengthy work trip.

Be warned, there is a difference between spontaneity and a surprise. Although men don't understand this, many women don't like big surprises. Sure, we like the surprise of a marriage proposal and little gifts like when my man surprises me with a manicure and pedicure (since he always likes my fingers and toes looking pretty) and will come home with new nylons for me on occasion. Those are good surprises.

But the time he told me on my birthday we were flying to Vegas the next morning was not a good surprise. Instead of being happy, I had instant anxiety. I had so much to do in under twenty-four hours I had no time to be excited. Of course, I loved the trip... but much rather have been told weeks earlier.