Splashdown Ch. 02

"N-No Gary," she was very quiet, something was bothering her big time.

I added, "These are bureaucrats. Never ever let a bureaucrat make a decision for you, Peg. My job is largely fixing the world, after bureaucrats fuck with it. I'm giving you great advice now: never ever take their advice."

Peg looked like she would throw up.

"Gary, I said as much to them, I did, though much more politely. No let me amend that, I said it more weakly. They said there were millions of dollars riding on the flight, they didn't want to take the chance."

"Don't worry about that. You have what it takes to make their system produce something, all they have is their impotent system. You have them by the balls, not the other way around. All their power stems from you not understanding that cogent fact of life."

Her eyes went absolutely huge.

I asked her, "Do the other female astronauts do it?"

She didn't seem confident in her answer.

"Well some are much older, not all are married or, um, have men around. I mean Kathy is not a lesbian, she simply doesn't have a boyfriend all the time."

"Well, you have a husband, one who doesn't want to pretend he isn't your husband at any time. There have surely been other married young women who have gone up."

"And I spoke to them." Now Peggy took a big swig of our drink. In fact, she polished off the glass. I looked at it, that was a lot of vodka, I had figured I would sip it for the better part of an hour. This was worse than it seemed.

"Spill it!" I knew I wasn't going to like it.

"K-Kathy said the condom thing was ringing in her ears while discussing cosmic rays with you. But she was not going to bring it up. She thought you would go ballistic, maybe hypersonic."

"She was wise," I practically growled back, "At least now I know what she made reference to several times. And each time with the tacit understanding I would not be happy. Tell her she's right, I have no intention of bending to those I bail out every damn day. In short, the catchy phrase "fuck condoms" should be ringing in their ears. If they try telling you they will scrub you from the mission, merely ask them what to tell the press about why you were scrubbed. You watch them back pedal!" I laughed aloud, I loved playing those little parasites for the maggots they were.

"O-Okaaay, I just figured why not shut things off as much as possible, I mean that's better than sex with cosmonauts."

Peggy didn't know, so I couldn't blame her, but that was one of the few things I could never joke about, one of the things I simply could not bear, and she just hit it dead center.

I thought she was going to faint at whatever she saw on my face. If we had been playing darts, she had scored the center ring, she got the bullseye. She hadn't put all the pieces together yet, but going up with three Japanese men or three French men would be bad, three Russians was the worst for me, well them or the Chinese, perhaps? Maybe she would put it all together later.

But her line, even suggesting sex with whoever she was up there with ... shit that further spoiled my mood. Peggy had gone from grey to pale white watching my face. My countenance must have been something akin to an animated billboard in Times Square.

"I c-called a number of the married astronauts of childbearing age. And had some pretty frank discussions. I sort of promised them I would not let on who was who, that the conversations were private that way."

My wife was worried about making a deal to keep things from me on top of the bad news, I didn't want to know anyone's business. Still, the precedent was awful. She had just promised someone she would keep things from me. We were not headed in the right direction.

"Fine!"

She breathed easier, "Baby, of the women astronauts that had sex a lot, about two thirds, broke down through their hoped tenure and said to hell with it and had the sex. And about a third didn't. The ones that did have sex had already been up to the station or already had kids and had nice post NASA jobs lined up."

Peggy swallowed hard and was staring at me with a rising anxiety that was not something one saw often in astronauts as she continued.

"But Gary, none, not one, of the newbies or ones that didn't have kids ignored the protocol. They all chose the maximum protection route. Gary, some said that when you start the long term injectables that they could get moody or irritable and about half initially said they lost a lot of their sex drive. They said due to any of those factors they didn't have sex very much." She held her breath.

"Christ honey, any more good news."

She shook her head.

"Any divorces from this?"

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and croaked, "Yes."

We were silent for a while before I finally asked. I had prayed she would ask me, it seemed she did not want to take the chance I would choose a course different from what she wanted. Surely, she was not going to remove me from the equation. Certainly not after her last huge mistake. That was unthinkable.

I started building my case, you know, just in case.

"Did you ask any of the ones who went security max if they actually loved their husbands?"

Peg's eyes grew wide again.

"Well Peggy, I think the ones who got married, but never valued their husbands, and put their careers over their family were the ones to get a divorce, so I would not worry too much. I would also not count their opinion as valid. Like throwing out the top and bottom bids you should throw out the folks with strange social agendas and political axes to grind. You talk to normal folks to get real answers. We will have a list of things for you to do tomorrow."

"Why Gary?" I could not help noticing the tears welling.

"To help you make up your mind what way to go. And I think I will drop in and talk to whoever spoke to you from your medical staff. I will need their names."

"Gary you can't just get an appointment to see them that fast."

"I don't plan to go through regular channels. I think their day needs to be disrupted." I smiled as Peggy impossibly went even more pale. "I haven't yet but might just pull rank."

"What?" She said trembling again, her open mouth thing was back too.

"Don't worry, Peggy. If I want to see someone at their level and am willing to bend a few rules I will see them! I will get you the straight scoop so you don't have to take it from me, though you should, and you will know how to play these cretins the rest of your career."

Peg was very quiet. That didn't bode well. Neither did the tears now dripping from her eyes, or the fact that she wasn't looking at me anymore.

"Peg baby, my suggestion is to wait and tell them what you will do at week's end. Trust me you are in the driver's seat not them. Don't let them fool you or monkey around with your biology or your life. The program heads and directors are where the authority is, not the adjunct medics and paper pushers. And Peg, give me a week and I can convince someone to investigate even the program heads."

Her head was down. She was shaking, I could see an occasional tear fall. One idea to explain why, stood out from the others.

"Peg, have you already made a decision?"

I'm sure she heard the astonishment in my voice. Had she left me behind? Had she gone on without me?

Her head bobbed now before she reined herself back in. Her head bobbed more: she was trying to nod, "Yes."

My shock and disappointment was magnified by my volume, which was just more than a whisper. I sounded a lot like Dirty Harry.

"What are you going to do?"

Now Peg started to cry in earnest. No, it couldn't be, she hasn't taken action yet - has she? She didn't sign me up for the sexual death penalty, did she?

"Baby, I want to go. I want to go to space. I designed this experiment. No one can read it like me, and no one can make adjustments or compensations like I can. It seems like a lot of the ... shit is falling on you. I know all that I have to do to stay in shape, and the hours of study, work, and practice that I signed up for are somehow landing on your shoulders."

"A-And it's going to get worse, Gary. Those hours are going to get much longer now too. So, uh, you will actually have me around less as well. And, uh, you won't be able to enjoy me as much even, uh, when I am home. I will be tired and, uh, with drugs that inhibit my ... drive my desire will be much less, and damn, none of that is good ... for you. I mean, I know that I signed up for all that, but you didn't. You have your own career. You expect a wife and partner and ... I didn't expect all this to fall on you, Gary."

She regained some of her composure, "Damn Gary, I'm sorry. I really didn't foresee all of this falling on you. I knew what I was in for, but somehow I just didn't think of ..."

"Me." I injected rather coldly.

She stood there breathless. It was obvious what she had done except hearing it expressed aloud shone it for the despicable thing it was. I was being told; this wasn't a discussion! Well by damn that changes right now. I was going to reset the table for her, then we could damn well hash this out.

"Peg you had better not have done what it sounds like you could have done."

"If you had come home and discussed this with me, I would have been disappointed and worried, more worried than ever, more than I already was. You have made some decisions without consulting me, ones that were bad for me. I know if you are definitely going up there some of those decisions only have one choice, so you should have come home and let ME make them. I have been advocating for you, you already knew that. I have chosen you over me at every damn juncture!"

She inhaled sounding like a hiss. She was not apprehensive, she was frightened.

"Don't sell me short Peg. Have I done anything to make you think I would choose against you? I haven't thus far."

"I am encouraged to hear that two thirds of the women didn't pay attention to the sex rules. I am shocked to hear that any loving spouse would in fact choose the other options."

Her eyes grew as large as I have ever seen them. Oh shit. I only hesitated a second and continued to redress the table. She couldn't pick the one third's option: she could not handle it. I wasn't selling her short, mine was an honest appraisal, and I can think of no one better suited to make it.

"I know you left me out in the cold on taking the mission. A mission I fully support and want you to take. Still, I know on the biggest stuff you would never go ahead and choose for me, especially if the decision is well ... against me. Especially a decision that is, in effect, the negation of our marriage contract."

Her tears multiplied substantially, what the hell was going on?

"But even for the small stuff baby, it would have been so much smarter to let me make those miserable decisions, if they are going to make my life worse. You already know what I would choose; whatever it took to get you into space. To do this any other way than with me would only serve to make me questions how important I really am to you. My making the decision to immerse myself in excrement sets you free and puts both the crap and blame on me. I could grumble, but the fault would be my own. That way I may be deprived, but I will still have my dignity, and perhaps be a bit of hero in your eyes.

"To do it differently, for you to ignore me and choose for me without any input, basically devalues me, and squarely places me behind your career as far as what you value. It also makes it your choice to sink me in excrement not mine, and only for your amusement and personal advantage. I mean so much for even a partnership, little less a marriage, right? I mean it would be obvious I am not your love, but actually a roadblock to you.

"So, we will get you the facts and tell them what is going to happen on, say, Friday. Just for my upcoming meetings with them, when did those little fucks want a decision?"

Peg seemed blown away, numb. She mumbled her answer, "Today."

I was furious! "Well I will go down there tomorrow and let them know how badly they have fucked up! I will rewrite their protocol for them to make it workable. When do you want to give them the answers? Do they all have to come at once? Can we discuss them the next few nights?"

Peg looked frantic but decided on action instead of giving in to panic. She stepped over to me and knelt on the floor in front of me, clutching my belt, looking up into my eyes.

"Gary, I-I gave them some answers today."

It couldn't be. I know my face said that. I'm sure it showed abject astonishment as much as my horror.

This wasn't like her. I guess she really did feel she had to pick between me and her career. I simply couldn't believe she had not chosen me. There had to be some scrap of information that would prove the opposite, I just didn't have all the facts. I would not sell her out now, I would not take things at face value. I would have faith in her and wait until all the facts were in. She really would do the same for me, wouldn't she? Surely, she had not already made these choices. My Peggy simply couldn't sell me down the river.

Peggy's mouth quivered a bit as she watched me think. While she knew this evening was not going to go well, she had never foreseen it going this badly. We had always been a team, now she had converted us into territorial animals facing off against each other. She could tell I was thinking something through, though she could not tell I was trying to send her an olive branch.

"So, you are going up. We expected that: good." I said trying to lower the drama level.

She took a breath.

"So, the two third's solution I presume ..."

"Gary, if I get pregnant, even if I had an abortion right away, they probably would not recertify me in time."

"Abortion? Abortion! Y-You would kill our children to go for a ride on a rocket?!" I was apoplectic.

She wailed in the negative.

Then in a voice as close to panic as I ever wanted to hear from myself, "Wait! You aren't pregnant now, are you?"

"No! No!" Her eyes were dish pans again. I could see her asking herself the questions as to how I could believe such a thing, then answer herself that she had now infused me with that much doubt. I could tell she felt the awful reality of the question she had to ask herself next: what decent person would do that to someone they loved?

"You haven't already killed our child, have you?" That is how suddenly unsure I was about his person I thought I knew so well. Peg felt that even more keenly.

"Noooo!"

I fell back, "Dear God. Dear God, I don't mean ..." She knew where I was going.

"Gary, I love you."

"Just not as much as your glorified amusement park ride."

That stung her. She was smart enough to not take the bait, if she had given me a smart ass answer I would have boosted her into orbit right there and then. She was wary if not scared, I don't think of me, but for me, for us.

"What the fuck Peggy. This is too much, I was certain you would never do me dirty."

A terrible moan came out of her. It took me a while of purposefully slow breathing to get back to where I wanted to be. She watched every breath of mine absolutely terrified now.

When I was ready, I spread out the table of options like I would in a pre ops meeting, explaining to new partners where we were, and how we got there.

"Peg before we review, what would you like to do at this exact moment?"

"So, uh, I would like to," she got quiet, "start the long term injectables. You see they don't want to have to send up all those pills and something could happen to them: sunlight or radiation of heat or cold."

I bit my tongue on what I really wanted to say instead trying to lead her to what I wished her to see.

"Why exactly do you need contraception up there anyway?"

Now she began to shake, "To-to regulate my system, and they are putting a lot of emphasis on not getting pregnant now." She thought for a second, her face took on a crimson glow and she hastened to add nervously, "Oh God, I knew that was going to come up. Oh God Gary, it's for the biology! No, I won't need contraception for the time I'm away. Dear Lord, Gary you don't think I will be having sex while I am away? Please tell me you don't think that!"

"Half a year!" I blurted out reminding her of how long the duration of her being away was. Just in case she had forgotten.

"Half a year," she said solemnly as she began to shake harder.

I wanted so badly to talk to her about that; that I didn't think she could make it that long. It wasn't her fault, it was her individual biology, but it was her responsibility. She needed to take safeguards, at least stack the deck in her favor. My apprehension was that she was stacking it against herself and me. I knew her, she became a basket case without regular sex, nature had deigned that she not go that long without sex.

Even masturbation was an outlet that didn't lend itself to the ISS environment. Jilling off while the men folk knew seemed to be more foreplay than cheating abatement. I wasn't sure masturbation could be done without anyone knowing. Having sex could be done if everyone knew however, and that was my nightmare scenario. And from a probability equation that ridiculous scene played out as likely as sneaking in some private masturbation! If she forced herself to cut off sex entirely, it would mess with her brain until it happened by nature alone. When she came out of the heat, she would be crushed at what she had done.

"Let's look at the options Peggy. One: we chemically shut down your reproductive system. Two: we increase your present dosage and still have sex like normal until blast off because, after all, the contraception measures we are taking are working and have worked for years, and there is no rational reason to think anything will change. And because six months away from each other is an ungodly time away for an experiment that could probably be run from the ground at Hopkins, Goddard, or Wallops with only a small loss in efficiency."

That made her head spin up to meet my eyes.

"You will be away from me for six months in order to run a two and half month experiment as is. So, I'm sure we don't want to make this a whole damn year in hell, so the third option: super strength injectables that kill your desire seems not only a bridge too far but where no bridge is needed. Especially as I am still expected to use condoms on top of that, which is ludicrous. It is impossible to live with, while having no further guarantee of stopping pregnancy than option two, which allows us to be ourselves and act like a married couple in actual love. So, I figure option three is as off the table as option one."

Peggy was actually wincing at some of my statements. She should have been in agreement. And that tore something in my head. I wasn't finished either, in fact, I was going to hedge my bets about putting bad ideas in her head. Apparently, she had plenty of them swimming around up there already.

"Frankly Peggy, even having heard everything tonight, my plan was, and is, for us to ramp up the sex dramatically right up until launch, in order to give you half a chance of making it the six months stuck in space without going bonkers."

I wasn't so interested in internalizing my worries now that Peggy had started making pointless decisions without me.

She was almost frozen with panic. I took note because astronauts don't do that. "What now, Peggy?"

"Are you just trying to get even with me for this?" It sounded like Peggy was asking a real question. Once again, she cringed when she saw from my face that I had no idea what the "this" she was referring to was. I could also read from her face that my not knowing made things worse for her. I presumed she was referring to her telling them answers to questions she was now going to have to rescind in the morning.