Splashdown Ch. 02

"What? Dear Lord no. I would never play games like that with you! I will always have your back, Peg. I don't have a department agenda or want to make the promotion board. I am your best friend and husband; you can always trust me to do what is best for you. You know if it came to it, I would lay down my life to protect you. Let's figure out what we are going to do. I'm not making proclamations: I would never make a unilateral decision involving you, especially when it's so easy to talk it through with you."

Peggy leaned against the wall hard, practically falling against it. She put a hand to her head rubbing her forehead then her temple. Her mouth was a downturned comma resembling that of a carp.

She spoke in an odd sort of wispy breath. It sounded like she was thinking aloud more than speaking to me, "You really think we should ramp up the sex, not cool it off?" Her mouth was left open in astonishment as she finished. "You would never make a unilateral decision for something concerning both of us. And that has to be safeguarded even more greatly the more important the decision is." She swallowed with great difficulty. "I-I can see that. I believe your sincerity on that."

So why was she so quiet? Why did that seem to kick her in the guts? And why was she apparently only seeing it now?

"Yeah, Peg, I think that's only reasonable considering these idiot paper pushers think it's fine to cut back on their bloated budgets by keeping my wife away from me an extra three months. Their problem has become my problem, which damn well is going to cause pain for them when I meet them and explain it."

"Gary, what are you going to do?" She sounded downright defeated. It scared me.

"I don't know yet, but if I feel their bad decisions, so will they."

"Gary, please don't."

"Come on, if there was more common sense in the agency there would not be a ton of Sturm und Drang like we are dealing with tonight."

"But Gary ..."

"But Gary nothing. Is the current state of affairs reasonable? It's been over fifty years since we landed on the moon. Do you like what's happening? We should have been to Mars by now, you know it."

"But Gary that takes political will."

"Regardless of party, politicians much more than regular citizens must be led to do the right thing. The regular folks normally know what is right, sometimes they just need confidence to do it. Politicians have to be shown that it won't blow up in their face and then what's in it for them. But often showing them how it will blow up in their face if they don't do something is the best motivator."

I did not lecture Peggy often, nor let her see behind the curtain into my world. She knew I worked in the intelligence community, she now knew part of my job was application of both carrots and sticks. In her job she got the limelight, while I worked in the filth to make brightness available for people like her. At present life seemed even more oppressively unfair at the notion.

"Let's get back on track. I agree that shutting down your system seems risky. Do you agree?"

"Yes." Peg said quietly, reseating herself with her hands folded. I did not notice then how tightly they clasped each other.

"Do you think long term injectable or just convert your pill to higher dose?"

Peg chewed on her lip, "I'm going to be stuck up there, Gary. Having a period is hard enough up there. I uh, I think the high dose injectable."

I was stunned. I stared at her. I hadn't gotten through to her at all. I didn't understand how she could see that as a viable choice for us. She looked away and couldn't look back, like a puppy that had done something wrong unable to look their pack in the face.

I gathered myself. "So, have you chosen the one third solution then? The one that destroys libido."

"Gary I ... I did what I thought was best, I don't mean..."

I cut her off, "So, were you going to inform me I was losing conjugal rights to you any time soon? Why did you let me go on this long? Was all this showtime tonight just to tell me that you are moving into NASA quarters, "see you later dear?""

"Gary, I-I we are talking ... now."

"Talking?!" I was indignant. "We're not talking. I am being told what you have decided." I took a big breath. "Okay, let's see if we can get this train back on track." I was speaking through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry Gary. I really am."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Peg. I don't want to hear it." She gasped.

I continued, "Let's just get back to work and fix it." She looked at me in some sort of wonderment I could not decipher. Her eyes were about to bulge.

"So, let's go through the list again and make sure we understand the fallout, and the ramifications of all the choices and then make the decision. Boy, I am going to tear them a new one tomorrow."

"Gary they ... you can't just walk in there. You don't have appointment."

I looked at her trying to make sure she really was beginning to understand any of what I was desperate for her to understand. "Baby, if I want in the rocket building lab, I can be in there, with credentials, in 48 hours or less."

Her eyes just about fell out of their sockets at my statement about one of her most secretive buildings. It took high value scientists months to get clearance.

"I am not a God damn operator, but if these bastards think they can rewrite my life and take my wife away from me for what, ten fucking months, they have another thing coming. I might have to have their security clearance suspended pending review or something a lot worse. That will, of course, cause them to lose their jobs in the interim and have to reapply for them, but in a couple years they could at least be back in the system. I can tell you right now several of them will be notified of IRS audits shortly."

Now Peg's eyes were really bulging.

"I don't perform the occasional HALO jump or ride sea sleds through rough oceans to fix their mistakes, only so these pencil necks can steal my wife from me while I'm out getting shot at or almost blown up so to save their hapless rears."

Ashen, Peg tried to stand, then sat back down hard, then tried to stand again on wobbly legs. She didn't know I did that sort of thing. Though it wasn't classified, it took a lot to make me slip up that severely.

"Baby do you, ugh, are you ..."

"I plan things. The guys and gals with talent and equipment are important, so are their missions. Missions that I design, so sometimes I go along to explain or fix things that go wrong. It's a lot like your experiment on your mission coming up. Sometimes the mission is getting me somewhere so I can look directly at something for myself, there is a fair amount of that. I do not go in the field most of the time, but I do go a fair amount of the time. And I don't risk life and limb to keep the guys that infect our government from their little ivory towers safe, so they can mess up my personal world. They will find themselves inside a rocket funnel on thrust day before I allow that."

Peg swallowed hard at the mere idea.

"Baby, Gary, you said my experiment could be done from the ground. I'm sure every department has its secrets. Is that true?"

"Not for your department, as you call it, but I understand our telemetry abilities and our rocket capabilities: we could launch your experiment on satellites with sounding rockets from Wallops and you could run it from there or probably more conveniently and easier from Goddard, maybe even Hopkins. But as currently configured it would be more expensive that way. And with the priority launch list as it currently stands, your experiment would never get done. A decade from now though, that is probably how your experiment will be handled."

She was about to be sick, "Then why am I going on a rocket?"

"We are launching to the ISS anyway. It makes sense to cram the launch as full as possible with whatever will give us a return on investment. As far as that ROI, it's just what you said, we really do need the data and you are the ultimate trouble shooter for this experiment. The data will be most pure, being gathered in orbit instead of in the atmosphere. We can compensate for obtaining the data through the atmosphere, it's a simple equation, but there are more variables. Sending you up eliminates that step and those variables. And besides we don't want to globally broadcast our exact capabilities. Let me just say we are doing more out of Vandenberg than pretty much anything at the ISS, only it's all intelligence and military.

"Peggy, you are right that humanity needs to push out there. What I do defends and hopefully preserves the potential of doing things like landing on the moon or Mars. What I do is dirty, and hopefully keeps things stable enough that you get to take your shot one day. And when you get that shot you will lift up all of humanity. Who knows, because of what you do maybe one day people like me can crawl out of the slime. Don't you get it, Peggy? The things you do validate the things I do, just as you validate me. You give me hope. Hope for our species and hope for me personally. Peggy, I don't know what I would do without you, or even exactly who I would be without you now."

Peggy acted as if she wanted to cry, for reasons both good and bad.

"I love what I have been able to do. So far, I have not been put in a morally compromising situation. Well, not for me and my morals, though I'm sure we could dig up any number of folks who would question both. If the job was to do something underhanded, it's been to do it to someone reprehensible. So, I have enjoyed doing it. It's like taking out the trash, someone needs to do it, though it would be a tough thing to develop a sense of pride over. But I am so proud of you, and what you do Peg, and why you are doing it!"

I was demonstrative about the last sentence. Peg beamed out of her worried face, though she still saw the pain in mine. She knew there was something left unsaid.

"Peggy, you are doing good and you should go. Surely you can see this is a really messed up situation. I can't for the life of me understand why you did this without me."

"They told me I had to decide today."

I felt my head drop. It was from that position I spoke, "No one, not even astronauts, have to decide on medical treatment without consulting family physicians and damn it, family. Don't fall for that again. Did you even try to call me?"

Peg suddenly looked away crying. She struggled and calmed down, drying her face with the back of her arm. Damn it. Damn her. What the hell! At least she now understood she messed up badly. I made my voice more neutral. It was just impossible to take the disappointment out entirely.

"So, you want the more powerful long-term injectables. So, what do they need, six weeks I guess, to figure out if they are working?"

"They want as many planned periods as possible to study before launch and we are just four months to lift off." She had this far-away look as she said it.

"So, if you do choose that route, how long do we have to be together before I lose the functional company of my wife?"

"I will be here for you."

"Baby, you will be tired and exhausted. Does that sound like the prescription for keeping our close connection intact when you have artificially removed your desire? Then we remove the physical intimacy, and then we remove you. I would like to think I will still have the physical even if I have to lead because you are tired, you respond so well, and sex has always been a stress reliever for you. A hard day of training, a night of study, yeah, a passionate roll in the hay to cut the tension and reconnect with your supporting loving man, because that's all the time we will have really. Because with that lone exception you will keep your nose in a book: I know you. Our playtime will let me know you still care about me, just by your taking that abbreviated time out to be intimate with me. And I won't let you down. I will cut your tension so you can sleep. Bank on it!"

I tried to give my most earnest smile. But Peggy was grey, silent. That tore thigs further. I thought, 'Sorry Peggy,' I was going to do just what I told her; I was indeed going to be at NASA tomorrow. Those guys who badgered her were going to pay. She had to learn from the mistake she made talking to them today. I was going to connect the dots and make her see it. And that last volley had landed with explosive result.

"But if we go monkeying around with your balances and hormones it's going to blow the whole thing up. You won't be interested in being intimate, and you will be so focused that you won't even think of me. Hell, we have already seen some of that, and it hasn't turned out very well has it?"

Peggy didn't answer, there was some other shoe that had to drop. She probably didn't want me making a fuss in there tomorrow, but she had to understand that those folks don't have much if anything to do with the mission. Ah well, can't make an omelet ...

"If on top of all that these chemicals mess with your balance making you moody and emotional, typical side effects of this sort of hormonal treatment until you arrive at your new norm. How many times do we flip the coin trying to change the dosage or massage this or that chemically before we get a side effect that makes you hot for me again? Well never, because you told me your desire will be suppressed. So, it's all wasted time that is detrimental to us as a couple, no matter how you slice it."

She was shaking "Sooo ... you don't want to touch me?"

"Hell baby, that's my line. You're doing this to me. Don't even think about reversing our roles. My plan was to jack our sex up until the day you left. Your contraceptives are fine and well tested, you don't need a boost there. If you aren't getting pregnant now with as much as we screw around, you aren't going to when we up the dosage and your stress levels, so this new treatment is hooey. Really, we are talking about you not wanting to touch me, nor wanting me to touch you.

"And worst, you know how you are worried that if we shut off your cycle maybe it won't come back right, and we will have trouble conceiving later? Well, I feel like that about passion. You have never known a time when you were not passionate for or about me. You have never known a time when our passion for each other did not reach an overwhelming need. What happens if we shut that off and you learn to live beside me like a disinterested roommate? Will the passion ever come back? And what of my passion for you, knowing you would do that to me? Do we make a clean repair of that after you are back on earth? Can we?

"Being honest Honey, altering our passion scares me to death! I don't want to touch that option with a ten-foot pole. If we are going that far I vote for real results and shutting down your cycle which is much more assured of having the desired effect of non-pregnancy than just messing with your hormones and mind. Of the three options: the long-term injectable I vote as the worst option."

She gasped again, looked nervous and let her hands flop in her lap where she stared at them.

"Sorry. I'm Mr. Practical, I have to be in order to do what I do, or we fail and maybe people die. So, I see no reason to be sacrificed on the pyre of space flight: my martyrdom simply isn't needed. No Peg, if you take those drugs on top of stress and exhaustion you won't want to even consider a dick inside of you, not even mine. And the last real measure of relief and comfort that I can give you, or frankly that you can give me, or we can share until after you come home, will be gone."

"What do you mean by "not even" your dick?" Peg sensed I had something else in mind.

"Well Babe, I hope mine is your favorite. Yet I find it really weird, and I wasn't going to bring this up, but this is the missing conversation I had with Kathy: why do you need contraceptives in space? I keep hearing to regulate your cycle, well it's already regulated. Now you are telling me that the time before launch will be more stressful and hectic than after launch. So, you will have a worse chance of getting pregnant before you launch. In fact, you only have a job for half the time they want to keep you up there. So, you are going to have too much time to think and not enough to do up there for months. Theoretically your stress levels will drop after your mission objectives are completed. They must know that too."

I stopped. I hadn't wanted to get into this. Then again, I never expected her to make a decision for me without consulting me, especially one that went wildly against me and our best interests.

Peg looked at me apprehensive yet needing an answer, "Baby, connect the dots for me. What are you saying?"

"This is playing out like you having some sort of affair."

"Oh my God!"

Her eyes were huge, she shook perhaps partly in anger: that was not going to make me back down. I had done nothing to her except voice my concerns, she had taken overt action against me.

Despite any flash of anger, I leaned in for emphasis.

"I'm lassoing up your dots here Honey. You want to cut me off, even before you have to. Then you go up with up to three guys. You only have serious work for half the time you are locked in with them. You have a huge sex drive and you can't go that long without the physical intimacy you have grown to expect. You will be valiant, but six months? You'll lose your mind: you will be red hot; it points to a crash and burn. You won't know what the hell happened until afterwards. I have been petrified that through no fault of your own I get a tainted wife back, one that has been with another man."

"How can you think that?" The tears welled from anger and dismay. Yet she saw I was truly in fear of it. It was a reality I saw, not something to throw in her face after she slighted me.

"I'm explaining that. Peg, if you heard that a wife cut off her husband for sex, had no desire for him, but went on super contraceptives so she could work in a tight intimate space with three men who were also at the top of their collective profession, what conclusion might you come to? Be objective."

Peg became some sort of sea foam color and stayed that way.

"You are my wife. I am supposed to think of the bad scenarios in order to protect you. So, what do you make of a wife cutting her husband off from that husbandly duty as well as ceasing intimacy with him? How about taking the advice of others to heart while avoiding her husband? How about treating her husband in ways that show more contempt than respect? How about keeping secrets and making decisions that cut against him but allow her to profit in her own estimation? And what do you make of a wife not only circumnavigating her husband's protection, but no longer letting him function as her protector?"

A low rumbling groan emanated from somewhere deep inside Peggy, as she finally saw that was exactly what she had done. Whether she intended it or not, these weren't debatable points, they were a list of facts.

"You decided without even running it past me, little less asking my input, to cut me off from your passion. You say I can have your body, but basically you won't be participating. I don't even know if your body will respond enough for lubrication. Meaning I will be training you to be physically uncomfortable having sex with me in the future, while simultaneously you remove me as an object of passion in your mind.

"Baby, I am not accusing you of wanting to fool around, not at all, but I am still the worried cut off husband who is being wounded for no discernable reason.

"Peggy, revisit the female being locked in an office building with three guys for six months scenario again. You can't tell me that you would not be worried for her, her marriage, and her poor tortured husband's mind. I mean there aren't just coincidences with the story, there are direct parallels. You would have to want to ignore them not to see them."