Splashdown Ch. 03

I looked away.

"I have to reward her for being with me. I must prove she doesn't need to look elsewhere; that her needs can be served right here by me alone. I want her convinced that choosing me was the best decision of her life.

"And I need to feel connected to her. In the midst of physical intimacy people can let their guard down, they can be open, or even sink to animal levels. So, there is a lot of sharing, a lot of trust involved with the physical acts. Those are the times I feel like we really connect. It isn't just about getting off. It's that my partner trusts me to protect them while I take or even push them someplace new. It's that they can feel safe being completely vulnerable with me, entrusting me not to let anyone else know their secrets or workings, and actually wanting to share both their strengths and weaknesses with me." Gary interlaced his fingers and let his head sag as he finished.

"All are wonderful goals Gary, none of which I am fulfilling for you. I wanted to say you don't have to do those things for me, but you would take that as an insult instead of the honor I was trying to bestow. Looking at both our actions I can see where my sitting here telling you I love you may not cut it like you sitting there telling it to me. Especially as you are an action-oriented man."

Gary didn't look up as he confirmed, "I think for most guys actions speak louder than words."

"Then I am in even more trouble as my actions are what negated my amorous feelings. I fear telling you this but feeling sexy or feeling touches that used to drive me wild, is like feeling them through a thick blanket now. Even if you go right to my love button with a direct assault, it feels like it's long distance or something. I just don't respond, even to the overt."

I looked at him forlornly, my voice catching in my throat. I'm sure Gary had never seen me look so sad, so defeated, like I had failed as a lover and a woman. A strong note of desperation wove itself to my words, "Gary, I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I could go back in time. Everything is wrong now.

"I mean, I feel so close to you when you hold me at night. As the sexual has degraded the simple touch and gestures the mind interprets mean more to me. I guess currently I am more in tune to meaning than intimacy. That's probably just frustrating for you, perhaps even a tease considering how long a decent release has escaped you. I can't forget that I made the decision that condemned you to this. With my libido stricken I don't truly miss what I know I am missing. For you it's all missing in a huge way. You miss my former response to every little touch, you miss every sigh and moan that is denied you. There is no relief for your tension and frustration from lack of sex, as sex was the way you most often released your tension and frustration. As you derived so much emotional support from our intimacy and I am stunted emotionally too, there is nothing to give you joy. It must build and build until the edge gets so sharp it actually cuts you. You must be miserable."

Gary relaxed some of the defenses he had erected to protect himself from my abuse. His brow furloughed enough that I knew I was reaching him across the lake of humiliation I had immersed him in.

"Gary, I have no excuse: I was only thinking of the mission and accidentally made the most heartless selfish decision I was capable of. What can I say? What are the words to accept responsibility and try to apologize in a situation like this? It's horrendous: how do you tell the love of your life that you just didn't consider him when making a decision that would hurt him more than yourself?"

I should have been sobbing. Yet my darling Gary reacted to the single tear that bled from my unhappy eyes. His lips parted and his sorrowful tongue lay just behind almost as if he wanted to reach out and taste the tear, like it might be the very last emotion I would ever squeeze out of my body for him.

"And from what you just told me I have not only cut off your due, your expectation, and your release, but I have cut off the major avenues of feeling intimacy from me. That I did this to you has damaged your belief in my love for you. And I have removed the one surefire way you could have reconfirmed my love and affection for you.

"And here I sit offering to turn around so you can use my, what are they now, feminine folds, not much more than that. Have I made myself merely a body temperature pocket pussy? I think the description is apt: you still have to lube it, and I don't shake and buck like a real woman either. I won't respond no matter how wonderful your technique nor how loving your touch. I'm just a large piece of latex.

"You are probably scared to look over my shoulder for fear of seeing me read one of my tech manuals while you make love to me. I'm so sorry Gary, I don't know how to make it up. I mean after my flight you can have me as much as you want, but that would have been the case anyway. I don't see any avenue that lets me restore what I have taken away. I have cheated you on every level.

"I could offer to suck you, but my enthusiasm would be off, and you don't want to see my non aroused face during sex. If I'm reading you correctly that would be worse. I could do a hand job, probably with great authority, but I fear you have already resorted to that for yourself. You sure didn't need to have "married the cow" for a hand job, did you? Sorry, maybe my humor is out of place. Gary please know at any time I will make myself available for that, or for anyway you would like to use my body at all. You can fuck my tits or, or absolutely anything. I hate that you may have to reach a deep level of deprivation before wishing to avail yourself of my diminished charms, but I am yours. It may not seem like it, or be enough for you at present, but I promise it's true.

"I can't really suggest you find solace with a good professional because they are expensive, and as much as we used to do it, we would go broke in no time. Also, I really don't think you would enjoy it if you had to pay for it. And even though you think I don't love you, that would break my heart."

He winced in anger at that. I felt a searing heat behind my eyes. My fists clenched.

"Let me guess; I just failed again. By cutting off an avenue you didn't want, but now can't even consider because I said it would hurt me. Which brings up the whole idea of if I truly loved you how could I do this to you in the first place? Considering that this pharmaceutical nightmare is my fault, and not being able to reverse the drugs now, I should at least offer to provide a surrogate for you. I guess have her here ready for you one evening, having briefed her on your likes and dislikes."

I studied Gary he was very torn by my words.

I kept making it worse. I couldn't clam up, but I obviously didn't know when to stop talking, "Y-You know I can't do that ... but perhaps I should have made the offer?"

Reading his face confirmed it. I shook my head ruefully. At least I had found something that resonated. It gave me a lead to chase down.

I uttered my new conclusion, "Because to not have even offered makes it look like I don't care ... about you, that I am still putting all my needs first, not even putting you in second place, just sort of forgetting you. Is that it? Christ, I probably just did it again by having to ask. Jesus, Gary, my brain must be dulled just like my emotions. I am so sorry."

Gary's voice took on a tone of someone rubbing their chin in thought, if rubbing your chin made a sound, "Then why Peggy do you have such a good time talking to your friends? You are happy then. You remembered one of their birthdays and sent flowers with a card recently. So, you can be considerate, just not about me. You have some more soul searching to do, Peggy. You've made eunuchs out of both of us, you know what I mean. And for the icing on the cake, I get a lecture on the inadequacy of emotion and the over importance of personal contact from loved ones from Ms. Spock."

I felt my eyes clinch shut. I had jabbed a nerve I had already rubbed raw. This wasn't like Gary though I knew he needed to vent. Not only would I take it; I swore to myself I would listen and take it to heart. Though Gary had paused he was rolling again shortly.

"Peg, I want to throw you out of this bedroom. I should not have to be reminded of you when I am trying to sleep. But hell, you are going to remove yourself completely for half a year soon, so all I have to do is wait.

"I think that little diatribe was supposed to make me feel like you are worried about me and care about my plight. Except even in your soliloquy of professed love, you laid out how you have thrown me away and emasculated me, while somehow convincing yourself you don't have to try a whit to make me feel better in any way, shape, or form.

"In fact, you brought it all back to you. Stating how badly you would feel if I got back what you promised to grant yet deny me. Further you excused yourself from providing an avenue for me to regain my manhood because trying to repay what you stole would hurt your feelings."

"You never once asked what I thought of any of your offers. They always take the same form anyway. "Gary, here is a lame underwhelming offer that I put no effort, pride, or heart into, unlike I'm putting into everything else: take it or leave it. Oh, you wouldn't want it anyway Gary, so ... offer rescinded. Hell, it's not like you aren't going to make the decision for me anyway."

"I'm sorry to blow my own horn, but apparently if I don't you will just continue to piss in it. Miss Peggy, has there been any challenge or choice regardless of how much humiliation, pain, or heartache that I must endure that hasn't been made for your benefit? Hell, baby, if you wanted to BEGIN to convince me you were capable of thinking of me right now you would be doubling up the hookers each and every night just for starters! Instead, you throw out a halfhearted offer, then talk yourself out of offering it because you would feel bad. Shit, you are so overbooked considering yourself, no wonder you don't have an appointment slot open to consider me."

* * * * * *

Peggy

Once again, I was pie eyed as my husband exited the room. My thoughts were disjointed and confused: how did it keep going so wrong? A few answers were in regular orbit.

My attempts to discuss our plight and take responsibility sound like I'm lecturing him. Maybe that's the lack of emotion in my voice making me sound insincere, or perhaps it's because we are discussing it instead of taking action. What I need to do is rip off my shirt and blow him or lube myself up and do him while telling him I need it bad. But as much as I know these things, I don't feel any of them now, and I don't remember them when I am trying to explain myself to him.

There was the rub. When I thought, I never thought of Gary. I took actions for myself that castrated my husband and broke his heart. Trying to explain it to him after the fact is pointless. He needs the situation corrected. No wonder he doesn't want to hear a damn thing from me. Especially my talking myself out of doing anything to relieve his physical or emotional anguish. Instead of showing him I love him, I lecture him on why I don't even try.

My actions blew us up. It will take actions to get us back. Although I want to, I presently have no desire nor inclination to do that. Physically and emotionally, I am a dead fish. I have not only fucked us up. I have fucked Gary over. I am sorry Gary, you don't know how sorry, and I don't know how to show you when my emotions are without a pulse.

I put my head in my hands wondering how I was ever going to fix this. There was something more, something that stayed just out of my reach. I wondered when I finally grasped it, if it would spell doom or salvation.

* * * * *

Gary

I had fixated on the problems. Then again, mothballed at work, I had little else to fixate on. Solving problems and planning was my job. I had only my domestic problems to look at, but they were a heaping pile that flowed way off their plate. My largest obstacle in dealing with our domestic problems was I was the only one working on them. That issue was going to get way worse before it had any chance to get better. My wife was going on the assignment of her life. The assignment that had been her life's compass.

I was proud Peggy was going into space and wanted her to enjoy it. To taint this mission would be akin to killing her first born. No good could come of that for either me or us. Even if I lost her, I was not that vindictive. Please try to keep in mind that I loved my wife.

However, as you have already seen, while I am pretty darn good at waiting in the shadows, every now and then Peg does something that makes me so angry I respond before controlling myself enough to walk away. Her attempts to honor me simply underscore she has no consideration for me. I believe she loves me on some level, perhaps I shouldn't. She just keeps choosing against me.

What I've done so far is mimic the news. The evening news tells you what's unusual. Decent people acting decently every day is not news, it is the norm. For the most part Peg and I function pretty well. Imagine one spouse is taking part of their CPA exams. They will be fixated on that. That would seem to be a good analogy. It isn't. Our former norm was gone because of Peg's flight and our marital problem. The flight was coming, it took precedent, but it was the amount of precedent that uncovered our problem. That's an important fact. While Peg believes the flight is our problem, I know it only uncovered our issues. I understood those issues couldn't be fixed until she returned home instead of being fixed by her coming home. So at least until then our norm was destroyed, replaced by an evolving new norm that grew until lift off. In that way we were the news. The new norm, the difference, was the daily headline. I sought the caress of what we used to be. I was forced to watch the unusual, the news, every damn day.

Was I disappointed there was not more effort put in, or even a decent recognition of the trouble? Frankly yes. It wasn't enough for her while piling on the crap to stick her head up every once in a while, to list the obvious. Especially when she always couched it in a wrapper of, "but don't expect me to do anything about it!"

What vexed me was also what mollified me enough to keep working for her: Peg was a mummified version of herself. I called her Ms. Spock because her emotions were suppressed. At least I understood what I didn't like, and that made a big difference. I knew what I had to deal with. Which made enough difference that I could stick around while it slowly played out.

Most of the time we functioned well with no animosity or flagrant disappointment on my behalf. I understood that her intensive prep meant she was already on her mission. I fixed meals, worked out, and studied. Sometimes Peggy would look up and give me a smile just because I was there. I could be angry that she had temporarily forgotten our troubles or enjoy a genuine display that still made me happy. Sometimes her genuine smile was wiped away by her remembering our troubles. She would look at me so warmly and mouth as earnestly as she was currently capable, "I love you" or "I'm sorry." Then an awkward look as she tore herself away from me back to her studies.

In other words, most of the time we still functioned as a good and effective team. Except we were only a team: two individuals working in unison. We were not a partnership; we weren't even headed in the same directions. For the moment our marriage was a farce -- for the moment. I held out hope. While the flare ups are important, don't over weigh them. They were just like the news; they weren't our norm.

* * * * *

Peggy

I looked at Gary in the early morning light. We were both wide awake though neither of us wanted to acknowledge the other. That would start the day, and this day would finish with us being a world apart. Gary lay there beside me his head on the pillow starring at the ceiling, perhaps starring into space.

Gary was a handsome man. A man that grew on you the more you were around him. I can't say he was completely unique, although that banner wanted to wrap itself around him. He was rare, far too rare: he was a good man! He had encouraged me and supported me, he had been by my side every hour, every day, for every public event, every school or business visit, every publicity stop, everything ever. I knew he still loved and supported me even when he had stormed out, even when I drove him to despair. He was there by my side, or far too often right behind me, eternally enthusiastic in his praise and pride in me.

I was proud of him. He could still feel wonderful things about me after all the awful things I made him feel emotionally and physically. Feelings of abandonment and blue balls are terrible force multipliers. That was the least of what I had done to him. He had buoyed me, held me aloft on my way to the stars, while I continued to let life's nasty effluvia roll downhill towards him. Hell, I had gathered it and poured it on him. To support me Gary swam in it, stood in it, pinched his nose shut, and did whatever he had to, in order to see me lift off. Now I would joyously achieve my dream while leaving him behind in the mire I made for him. I would not be there to help him, comfort him, sympathize for, or love him. I had to wonder if things would really be that different for Gary. I hadn't done that for him for months already.

I reached out and found his hand, I took it and squeezed it. He was truly surprised to see me crying. He was truly bewildered. His expression said it all, it came from his core. 'What is the matter? What's wrong? Tell me so I can fix it! I pledge to right whatever vexes you. Please, just let me know what I can do for you.'

I rolled over and hugged him. "I love you Gary. I'm sorry. Thank you for everything. You are the best. You really absolutely are the best!"

He didn't say anything. "Please Gary, tell me your thoughts, anything good or bad. I want this to be about both of us in spite of how selfishly I pursued this. I couldn't have come so far, so quickly, and so thoroughly without you. Please, share your thoughts with me. Please share yourself with me, I still want it, even if it's bad."

He thought it over then relented.

"Peg, I-I just don't know if you are coming back to me. I never want to let you go because, I'm scared you won't come back to me."

I sighed, hating making him this vulnerable.

"Baby, it's safe, people do it all the time. Regrettably it has become routine. It's not like you to have a dark premonition."

"No baby, you will come back to earth. You have a great career ahead of you. You have a lot more to do. I'm just not sure you want to do it by my side."

He cleared his throat uncomfortably and started to roll over. He was ducking for emotional cover. I pulled him back, stunned to see tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"Oh Gary, Gary, I ..."

"No, I don't want to mess up your big day." My eyes darted all over him for a minute, then his tears seemed to flash evaporate. Was it anger, determination, or love? Unexpectedly his voice was a growl, "Peggy, I loved you with all I had. I still will. I will love you until you don't want me anymore. I will support you to that point and beyond. You can rely on me utterly. I want you to take my love, my strength, my respect, and my pride and use them for reinforcement and fuel. Use them up or burn them for your amusement, they are yours. Allow them to keep you safe even if you can't keep me safe."

He paused like he had just given me a key to unraveling a great mystery. Something of great import.

"Do you understand, Peggy? Do what you must to survive and succeed up there. Did you hear what I said? Mark my words Peggy, please not as some threat but as a secret weapon you can use if the situation becomes desperate. Then come back to me so we can try to fix what has gone before, and what may be the case by then. Promise me that. Promise me you will give us a chance to fix everything."