Splashdown Ch. 03

Quick notes. I apologize for the delay in chapter two getting out. I'm still struggling with the necessary steps to post stories here. The problems are mine entirely. When I hit "publish" I think I'm done. You must go back and select submit next. I've made the same mistake before with another story. Old dogs can learn new tricks - there's just a learning curve.

I am doing this to write because i love it. And to give back to a site that got me through some uncertain times. I hope i entertain the readers, but I truly want to improve. I have not been able to keep up with the feedback at all, though I have tried to implement some of the suggestions given to my first few stories. Thank you very much for that! We have also been contending with life's dramas concerning a couple of direct family members. That's not an excuse just an explanation as to time management issues. C'est la vie, right?

Okay let's have some fun...

Splashdown Chapter Three

Peggy was still on the kitchen floor. Across the room lay a broken table beneath a broken wall. Had that really just happened? Peggy knew her husband had seen violence, but tonight held many revelations. Peg wondered if they would ever have a chance to compare notes. Because just like her husband, she now knew what it was like to watch a man die. The cool night air felt like the hand of death enclosing around her, "What the hell just happened?" She said aloud knowing she was alone, "What have I done?"

Peggy suddenly had to move forward, she scrambled on the floor like it was coated in ice. She scrambled to where her purse lay on the counter. Still on the floor she reached up and snatched it down. She rifled through the contents until she had her phone, then absent-mindedly threw the purse away from her, clearing her reality for only herself and the phone. She punched in the contact.

Her side of the conversation told the story, "Kathy. Kathy, it's Peg. Listen maybe, I hope, Gary might come see you. I don't know."

"No, I can't slow down. Listen, I just, I just, Oh God, I just did so much! Damn it, Kath, I just went over the protocols with Gary."

"No! Worse than horrible: hard to believe bad! I-I think I just lost him Kath. I think I ended my marriage."

"No Kath, really, it was incredibly bad."

"No, I'm not exaggerating. Want to come over and help me pick what's left of the table out of what's left of the wall?"

"Yeah, no. No exaggeration, I will send you a picture."

"Yeah, at least he didn't make a new picture window by tossing the fridge through the wall. Kath, you didn't see him, I am pretty sure he could have. The adrenaline was shaking off of him in vapor waves!"

"Oh Kathy, no that isn't want matters to him. I mean the sex does matter to him, it's very important to him, but it's more our intimacy he fears losing. He doesn't know if I can ever get it back once I learn to live with him without it. I never thought of that. Or a ton of other stuff! That's not even the point here. There was a lot more to this than I realized. A lot more! I realize now his level of supporting me, and the flight, has been much greater than I thought.

"His reassignment to desk duty recently, it's because of me. I'm sure of it! It's obvious and I never picked up on it. I don't know who he works for or exactly what he does, though I got a much better look at it tonight. He gave me an inkling tonight. Think about this Kathy: I'm going to spend six months in a satellite with three men, specifically Russian men."

"No Kathy, you are doing the same thing I am or was. The Russians are our partners now. No think about it, the Russians are our partners at the space agency. That dynamic is not true in Gary's world. In his world our government shared plans with the Russians to capture Saddam Hussein at the beginning of the Iraq War. Instead of being good partners the Russians sent a car from their Embassy car to wisk Saddam away from capture. See?"

"Damn. Let me make it clear Kath, Gary is still fighting the Russians - that's his world. That's why he was taken off main duty. Because his WIFE is going to live with three of them for six months! Christ. Gary told me they are not allowed to believe in coincidence. I can't begin to think of what people in Gary's world think of him right now. I can think of two or three nasty ones, but just the idea that three Russians would be orbiting while balling a possible CIA analyst's wife for six months would make the agency a laughingstock. Shit! And that's the mildest one: the others all contain espionage.

"I'm sure they have taken him off everything needing a clearance. I don't think his clearance has been revoked; he's just been mothballed. I'm sure he has lost most of the credibility he ever had with them. Damn Kathy, he didn't divorce me. He didn't tell me not to go. H-He backed me! In addition to al the sacrifices he had to make personally he was risking his career backing me. Worse, he was betting on me to do right by him, and I didn't, on every single level he could see. I didn't reciprocate at all!

"Why didn't I think of this? Kath, he doesn't trust the higher ups in our agency. Why should he? This explains so much! Were they that blind? Did they not care? Were they bought off? They never should have put me on a flight with all Russians. It stinks to high heavens.

"Now Gary really doesn't have his work to occupy him and Kathy, he's like me: his career is a major definition of who he is. My career has cost Gary his for probably at least a year. My guess is until they finish running checks on me and the mission - after I'm back."

"Oh shit, he needed a sign of loyalty from me. He's been tossing and turning in a harsh wind because of me. All he needed was a sign of fidelity. And what did I just do Kath? I just told him about the protocols. I threw him a cement block instead of a life preserver.

"Kath, it's worse than that though. I really fucked up. I can barely speak of it. I-I went ahead and took the first long term injection today - before I told him and ..."

Peggy cringed at the volume from the other end of the line.

"Yes, you're right, it sure was a mistake! A gigantic one. I can see that now. But it's worse. Please Kath, don't hang up: think of Gary! We need to help Gary. Please listen a little longer, then if you never want to talk to me again, I will understand. But Gary is why I'm calling you, not to soothe my own soul. I mean he started just ... he was trying to keep it together; he flicked the kitchen table over into the wall and didn't know he did it! It made a complete pirouette before impact."

"You're right, it was strangely impressive."

"He started talking like I was having an affair: I think it's the Russian connection."

"I mean, it does kinds make sense -- now: in an allegorical way. It's like I'm shutting him off. Oh, and Kathy, damn me, I knew I was in fact shutting him off sexually, sort of.

"I didn't want to admit it. I still don't want to admit that I might not want him or that I won't participate with him in what is supposed to be the most import shared times between husband and wife because of my new medications. He compared future sex with me after the injection as being with a blowup doll. Kathy, I fear that's a pretty apt prediction.

"I just I knew it would be bad, but I did it anyway. You see I knew he supported my going up there, I didn't realize the whole thing, all the pieces, and the way all the pieces fit together. It's got to seem to him like I don't want to have sex with him ... even now so long before the flight. And then I make myself fully "contraceptivated" -- is that a word? -- in order to go "shack up" with "three Russian men" as he put it. Oh fuck, Kath! He doesn't believe in coincidences. This is bad, it's so bad."

"Kathy, it was a coincidence, but at the beginning of the conversation I actually made a joke about screwing cosmonauts on my space flight!"

Peggy had to hold the phone away from her ear. When the volume and profanity slowed, she continued.

"No, Kathy I didn't know my possible infidelity was a worry Gary had. I had no idea I was going to be up there with any Russian. Gary told me, he said he had confirmed it. Now that I see his work connections and my being assigned to three-man Russian, and one American woman, ISS crew I can see where he may believe I have been compromised in one way or another. I can see where in his world as soon as he found out the crew assignment his buzzers started flashing. That's probably when all his worries went into overdrive. He doesn't have the luxury of believing in coincidences."

"No, I wasn't teasing him about my screwing cosmonauts. The context was that anything would be better than that, but the mere reference ripped out his guts! You should have seen his face. I ripped out his heart! Now, that I know what he was thinking ... oh merciful God in heaven."

"That's not the worst of it, he says I picked the flight over him. Kath, I did! Except it's like he thinks I have picked it over him for all time. That's not right. It's just a higher priority right now. He told me to do it!"

"No, you are right. He said I had to go on the flight too. And I had to do something from a pharmacological standpoint. But I did the one he wanted least. He laid out the consequences of all three choices, the one he hated is the one I chose. Who knows, he may have even agreed with a draconian measure but not unilaterally. He expected we would make all the decisions together going forward. I picked the one that protects me so much it will impact my libido. I probably won't want sex, Kathy." She had to hold the phone away from her ear again.

"Gary said he would never let me miss my flight. You know he has always backed my dream; I can't believe I treated him so callously when I knew I had his support."

"But Kathy, I was so scared that his passion for me would lead to pregnancy that I took the injection without a second thought. In a very real way, I did choose to shut Gary down so he couldn't - understand couldn't - keep me from my flight.

"I didn't mean he could not have access to me, I just didn't want to take a chance on getting pregnant now. Except Gary said he wouldn't want my body if I was erotically numb.

"H-He said, uh, that he didn't expect to be cut off. A-And I told him some people didn't take it that seriously, and that didn't make him mad Kathy, that hurt him really, really, badly!

"Kathy, he had thought out what we should do already, he just hadn't shared it with me yet. And I know why: because I didn't give him the chance. I couldn't take the chance he would disagree with my choice. I never thought it consciously, but I did it so he couldn't interfere. I didn't want to take a chance on our partnership not going exactly as I wanted. He's right: I sold him out.

H-He expected that we would ... in fact he wanted to, and recommended that we, ramp up and have a lot more sex before launch to sort of make up for the six months I would be gone. Hell, I have done the same thing before he went on his trips. I can see where that's our pattern and where he would expect that pattern to continue. But I broke the pattern, just about all of our patterns. I didn't expect this, Kath."

"Well yeah, I did pick the option that I see very plainly now is the very worst for him. I didn't shut down my reproductive system because I feared complications restarting it and want to have children later. Instead, I basically shut down my desire, and Gary is the only object of that desire, so I can see where he takes that very personally. Don't you see Kath? What if, like reproduction, there is trouble restarting my desire for Gary? I didn't fear those complications -- the ones that pertained directly to HIM! Surely you can see how he is sees it; like losing him was a tolerable price to pay for my flight.

"H-He said that now for four months before launch and six months after I won't experience good sex. He said I would be bouncing off the walls after that long. I think he's right! Unless the shots are really good. But Kath, if they are that good, then I really have shut him down cold for ten months without even giving him a kiss goodbye, if you see what I mean."

"No Kath, I'm expecting the worst reaction to the new contraception to be right now while I'm adjusting to it for the first time. The docs told me that would be the case. They are supposed to me bilious, so I don't think I can smother him in sex now. They said it would start to take effect right away. I didn't even buy him dinner, or give him a last fling, I didn't even hand him a fucking sympathy bouquet of flowers.

"Gary thinks I've thrown him away, don't you see Kath? Gary now thinks I want to have children one day -- with whomever I choose to father them, but that I just informed Gary he's not my choice! That's not true, but he believes it. He's living it, feeling it, and it tells him something very different than I intended. Damn it, Kathy, he told me ... he doesn't believe I love him!"

Peggy got off the phone with Kathy and heard a phone ringing; it was Gary's tone. Was he back?

Then Peggy realized he had left everything there. Boy was he upset, that was not like him at all. Then the follow-on gut punch as she realized her husband didn't have to worry about having his phone. This wasn't an oversight: he no longer need worry about work contacting him 24-7. He was put on the shelf because of her, his work, his vocation would not be calling him. Because of her, every aspect of his life had been mothballed!

Peggy stood to look at his phone beside his wallet and keys. Kathy was trying to reach him. Good for Kathy. She was a real friend. Thank God she was there!

Peggy thought, 'Gary probably won't speak to me right now anyway. But he's out there, without anything, not even a phone, cut off from everyone and everything. He's out there, and thanks to me he's out there believing he's all alone.

* * * * * *

Second Stage

It had been two days since Peggy knew where her husband was. She was scared stiff. Hearing her phone beep Peggy roused from her obsessive self-induced coma of horror and rushed to answer. During her headlong flight she remembered that her husband could not be calling using his phone because it was still clutched in her other hand. The caller ID showed a name that was a close second place of people she wanted to hear from: Kathy. Peggy quickly answered.

Before she could inquire Kathy gave her a clipped "He's far from alright, but he's not in danger or anything."

"Where is he?"

"Peg, forgive me. Please understand. He will be home to you eventually. But in order to get him to open up to me I had to promise him I would not tell you where he was. I'm sorry, but I just can't break my word to him."

"No, don't break your word to him! You know where he is, right? Please tell me there is someone to keep a watchful eye over him. Gary's had too much broken trust, he can't lose the last person he has any faith in. No, don't worry Kath, just please, please, don't let him down."

Acting her bravest, fighting her trepidation, Peggy asked Kathy, "What does Gary think?"

"He truly believes that you will fall and that you have ... betrayed him. That seems an important distinction to him, though I don't understand the meaning of it yet. Mark the words that you will fall, and you have betrayed him, not you will fall and betray him. One is future tense the other past."

"Kathy, does that mean that he feels what I have already done is worse than cheating on him? If so, doesn't that mean if I fell as a result of my flight that he could forgive me, or does it mean I have already lost him. That's a huge potential swing of emotion."

Kathy's voice went cold, it was full of rebuke, "As badly as you have messed with him and your marriage already, I would never let him think that you might be angling to see if your marriage could withstand further betrayal Peg. I certainly hope you picked your words poorly there."

Peggy felt tears of hot emotion fill her eyes again, "No Kath, bless you, that's not what I meant at all. I was trying to understand the future and past tense thing. I thought cheating was about as bad a thing as a spouse could do. What I was trying to tell was if Gary thought I had already cut him that deeply. I mean I have cheated him out of sex, and I know to a man that's very important."

"It's actually worse: he loves you, he's true and is going to be true, but he feels you picked all this tumult over him. He knew your mission must command your attention and time, except he thought that when you were home, he would quote, "still have a wife and friend," even if you were busy."

"Ohhh." Peg rallied. It had felt like a slap. What she had done struck Gary far worse.

"And sorry Peg, his wife has been removed from him chemically. And the way it was done Gary has been "emotionally castrated". When I pressed him hoping to hear that was only an expression. He reluctantly admitted that for the moment he is incapable of erection."

"Oh my God!"

"He, ah, stated that no friend would choose to take his wife away from him chemically, or emotionally castrate him. So that's two big strikes Peg: he feels you have failed as a wife and a friend. He's good thinker. He designs good arguments. Follow me on this Peg: his wife is gone, and his friend is not his friend, and oh yeah, his lover is off limits too. That's a problem for you. You could say those are the three top duties of a spouse. But that's not the worst problem."

"Three strikes. What's worse than three strikes?"

"First everything he just said. All those complaints about wife, friend, and lover: you did all that to him unilaterally. So, Gary's right, Peg. He's absolutely right! That's the biggest problem: how do you talk him out of it or get him to see it another way when he's right?"

Peggy fell out of her chair. There was more than a little venom in her friend's voice.

"Don't go yet, you have to understand this and deal with it. Here it is from a different angle. Gary feels he's lost his world. He knows he loves you, cares for you, wants what's best for you. But he's convinced that this was a betrayal, in effect you are cheating on him two ways: as far as what's important to you, and what you told him that he represented to you. Add to that he even believes that you may still actually physically cheat on him.

"He says you are setting yourself up for disaster, that you can't last that long without sex. He somehow found out what meds our staff wanted to give you, or damn it all, that they already gave you. He says if the chemicals effect you strongly enough to contain your sex drive that you won't be able to function regardless of your level of desire.

"So in Gary's mind, every day you get your job done is another bullet in his heart that you can't be celibate much longer, and, if you are good enough to go on the rocket you are good to go without what you did to him. The topping is he thinks you will not be able to continue being good for the duration. See, how he constructed the argument to vex himself? It's a no-win scenario for you though, Peg.

"And let's face it, he was even helping you. He wanted this flight for you. He was trying at all costs, even if all the costs were his, to make sure you were not put in a situation where you had to pick between space or him. He said he feared that because he thought for sure he would lose. That admission alone is hard for a proud man to accept. He was willing to make huge concessions, maybe even forgiveness of an accidental affair, to avoid your having to make that choice.

"But then you went ahead and chose against him anyway, and with no provocation or reason. This was a decision that had to made by a couple, he had explained that to you, and yet you did it again. That's twice: accepting the flight before even calling your husband was the first. And then shutting down his sex life without bothering to tell him first.