Splashdown Ch. 03

There was both hope and desperation in his eyes. I feared reacting as if never having seen the like before.

"What are you saying Gary, "even if I don't protect you?""

He turned and held me tight. He was in earnest. He starred so deeply into my eyes. Oh Lord, his eyes were molten deep unending pools of love! Whatever he was conveying was costing him something terrible. I was desperate to understand.

"Baby listen, there may come a time when your back is to the wall and the only way forward may be to use a bullet with my name on it. I'm telling you I will die for you, Peg. I love you that much, so even if my demise comes at your hand, I need you to survive. I want you to do what it takes to not embarrassment yourself up there. I want you to thrive on this adventure, even if that means breaking promises to me. You do whatever you have to in order to make it count and make it great. Then you come back to me - no matter what you have done: don't underestimate me. We can work out whatever you had to do, if you have faith in me. Okay? I'm strong. I'm practical and I'm devoted, and I'm in love with you."

He seemed to be waiting for something. His eyes were searching mine, now desperately searching. I nodded quickly, but not before I understood he had not found what he sought.

"We had better get up", he sat up quickly on the edge of the bed with his back to me. He suddenly straightened up and turned with a bright smile that I knew was forced, his demeanor changed. He had tried to tell me something and I didn't understand. I had failed him, and I didn't know how. Obviously, I had hurt him badly. It's like he was sacrificing himself for me and I was too busy to notice. All he wanted from his sacrifice was for me to know of it. It seemed he felt it was his destiny to give his all in my service while it went for naught somehow. In spite of that he was now playing the enthusiastic cheerleader again.

"Peggy baby, you are going into space!" I shook my head. He was being completely genuine as he said, "I really can't think of anything more exciting."

He paused to verify I had no doubt he was being genuine. He reached out and took my hand. "Peg, I have done a lot of wild stuff. I have been so far underwater that even through my helmet my head hurt, and my chest felt it could not completely fill with air. I have jumped out of perfectly good airplanes ... while they were flying. Peg, I have never been on a rocket and I have never been to space. And I can't think of anything I'm liable to do that can compete. Sure, I'm a little envious, but I marvel at you."

I nodded confirming the obvious to both of us. Then Gary put it into words anyway. "I don't just love you Peggy. I am proud as hell of you! I am proud to be your husband. Forget everything else. Let's go get this glorious day under way!"

* * * * *

Early the Morning of Departure

Peggy

That morning Gary did have more energy. I knew how he felt about so many things, and he had forgiven me! He didn't want any of that to cloud my day, but he had a lapse of honestly. While Gary told me he loved me he didn't say we loved each other. He's still not sure that I love him. Then it struck me.

Oh my God that's what he was waiting for! That's what he was searching for in my eyes!

"Gary! Gary!" I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I could see him straightening up, putting on the good face for me for my day. I stood there out of breath from a measly five-meter sprint. This was so important it had taken my breath away.

"Gary, I thought you were going to continue back there. Gary, I need to say it! I need you to know it. I need you to believe it! I have never met a man I think more highly of. After what I have done, what you just did was ... beautiful. I don't know how you could forgive ... all that I've done to you. And all the nice things you said about me. And that offer, I know what you meant! Oh God, Gary, I can't imagine how you uttered the words. It must have ripped out the last part of your heart I hadn't broken.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, so we won't - after this. I know I have been far from an ideal mate for a long time now. And that I am about to be an absentee wife for half a year starting later today. Crap no, pretty much ... right now. I know I have been such a rotten friend to you. To the point that you even doubt my sincerity when I say it; and I don't say it near enough..." I let my face shine with what I felt. "I am the luckiest woman in the world! I have the best man, who loves me more and better than all the rest love their wives. And I am completely totally walking on air in love with him."

I paused to gaze as deeply into his eyes as I could.

"I love you Gary! I love you with everything I have, as much as I've got, and when I get home, and home is in your arms, I will be cured of this mess shortly after I think. I can't tell you how I long to be back in your arms! I do Gary, I really do love you!"

My husband faltered, his eyes welling. I could tell he didn't want to be vulnerable again, as vulnerable as he had been just now when I didn't tell him I loved him back. Gary was on me in a flash. I was feet off the ground in a happy bear hug. I wrapped my legs around his waist and tore at his hair with my hands smothering his face in kisses. He held me and held me, until we both knew we had to hurry to get dressed on time now. We accomplished the feat, driving to the Cape with huge smiles.

I jumped in Gary's arms again lifting my feet off the ground when I had to go where he could not follow. This was our goodbye, I wanted it to be as memorable for him as the picture of the sailor and nurse on VJ day. Gary deserved something to make him feel like a man. I hoped this public display might honor him. The other folks there whistled and hooted, there were some encouraging comments. As I walked away, I knew I owed him much, much, more than that. When I chanced to look back, I saw it in his eyes: such deep thanks.

I hadn't failed him this time!

I smiled and called to him that I loved him once more. Then as I strode energetically towards the ready room, and my flight to Baikonur to meet the rocket that would take me from earth, I thought of all the times like this morning where Gary made some gesture or said some little thing laying himself bare, hoping for so much as a sniffle from me, while I gave him nothing. Such was his numb dead fish wife. So many times, when I did give a response, it was not what he expected, wanted, or especially, needed. I had wanted him to know I loved him so I showed him some consideration and as much emotion as I could muster, and he was thankful, but he did not look confident in my love.

It was then that I wondered if Gary didn't think I had just given him a really heartfelt breakup present.