Splashdown Ch. 06

"One night about six weeks before launch I made myself available to him. I was my norm by then: nervous as hell. Although I wanted him, I was not aroused, which spelt impending disaster. Before the injection I had been eager now ... oh damn.

"Gary had to lube us both up. He had to lube the damn condom I made him wear to even try to make it work. And then I ... cried. How hot do you think THAT response was for him? Everything stopped right then.

On top of feeling spurned, on top of being blue balled, on top of doing all of his husbandly and household duties when his wife did none of hers, my long-suffering husband who trudged through insult after slight after humiliation to support me more than ever, now had to sooth me and my frayed feelings after I spurned him!

"Shit, I was a burden not an asset, certainly not a helpmate. I wasn't a lover and really not a wife. I was a mess emotionally and I had pushed him too far. I just lay back, thinking I should let him have my body and do what he wants because I am making it worse by my involvement."

Kathy sucked in a breath as if to say, "Oh no".

"Yeah, exactly! Accidentally I pulled a dead fish for real. Except Gary saw an exasperated dismissive dead fish. He murmured something like "this must be what if feels like to buy it."

Wincing Kathy heard herself whistle again.

"From that night on I always turned away from him when he went to bed because he shouldn't have to look at my worried face. I told him he always liked my rear-end and he could do whatever he wanted, and just sort of have his amusement. I hoped it would be a nice gift for him. But still having to use a condom and lube made it work instead of play for him."

Kathy started to state what she thought should have been obvious when Peg showed she got it with her next statement.

"I fear, truly fear, I fear so much I haven't had the guts to ask him, but I believe that was humiliating for him. He always showed me the best time and now it was sort of "Hey Honey, I'll be here reading while you amuse yourself, just let me know when you're finished". I think he felt he was the hapless guy who couldn't get his wife off, and that she'd chosen someone else, in my case a trip instead of a lover. The result was the same to him.

"We dwindled off to practically nothing. So, here was my grown, virile husband, jacking off in the shower because his wife was on the sidelines - because she chose to be. I don't think Gary could understand how I would choose to do that to myself, especially not talking with him about it first. That the long term injectable was only one option and still the one I chose is bad. That I chose not to be with him - for months when I had other options may be unforgivable.

"Kathy, Gary still supported my mission! I didn't want anything to mess with it. I had to be great, nothing sort of spectacular, I had to lay that complete success at his feet after I was back to put our marriage together again. Instead, I saved the deepest cut for last."

Kathy felt her eyes narrow at part of what Peggy had said.

"It's been ten months of hell for him. When the temporary jail term I sentenced him to finally ends, how did I prove my words were not lies? What did I do to convince him I love him and the pain I inflicted on him was accidental? I fucked around on him! Almost immediately.

"I spurned him almost a year then fucked the first man I saw, the first chance I got. What man, what woman, wouldn't hate their spouse after that? They've seen proof of their spouse's purposeful betrayal every damn day. They've been played for a fool. They don't even know what they did to deserve this terrible treatment. Then, instead of rewarding them, you throw it all back in their face in the most humiliating way possible." Spent for the moment Peggy let her head sag.

"Peg," Kathy spoke with a dry mouth, "I've gotten to know your husband pretty well. Though he didn't share the depths of his ... er, affliction, I did know about it. Looking back after hearing this, I see at times I thought Gary was being a bit of a hardass about things, now frankly, I'm amazed at his patience.

"Peg, Gary's a special man, a good man, and he still sees himself very much as your man. It's not going to be pretty, and I can't guarantee the outcome, but I do guarantee you aren't facing instant execution. He loves you, if you don't have faith in yourself, have faith in him." After a short pause Kathy added with emphasis, "Tell him that for Christ's sake!"

Kathy took a breath and continued in a quiet yet firm tone, "You realize you may have endangered the entire program?"

"Yes God, don't I know. I have fucked up every-thing."

"There's a town near there, right?"

"Yes."

"Can you get there?"

"Yes, there's a jeep for us to return in. They have stolen me; I can steal their jeep, but Kathy, I won't make it very far. There's a base here, it's not huge, but it has soldiers."

Kathy began to lay out the plan, "Okay listen Peg, I'm going to have State Department guys crawling all over that town shortly, they've been stationed there since your "elongated quarantine" first came up. Gather your phone and get away. Boogie! Don't drive fast enough to crash but don't dawdle. The cavalry will be looking for you. I've told our folks you are being held against your will. That'll kick the beehive."

Drawn Peggy looked through the screen with such thankfulness it took the air from Kathy's lungs. "I-I will. I think I should go right after we finish. The coast won't be clear when Alexi gets back from his checkup. I'm sure he didn't go far, just the base I imagine. I think he's probably checking in with someone, so he'll still be gone for a while."

Kathy cut in, "Peggy, get to the embassy, consulate, or whatever we have there. Make sure the guys really are ours before you turn yourself over to them. Tell them who you are and to get you to a more secure location and back into the hands of NASA. Do NOT stay in Russian hands; that's driving your husband crazy. If you're caught, tell the Russians the consulate has been in touch and is coming for you. Look, I don't know exactly what Gary does, but that the Russians are involved with you has been a constant and major concern for him."

'Oh shit', she thought, "Oh my God, do you think?"

"No, I don't. I'm sure this isn't a Russian set up to embarrass the space agency via infidelity. That may yet play out by accident, but the Russians can't afford to have the American money cut off. They're draining part of it for other needs. If you become a PR fiasco and the manned program is put on hold it's worse for them than us. Which is why I'm daring to talk about it on the phone."

"Okay. Okay, thanks."

The next question threw Peggy, she wondered why Kathy actually had to ask her.

"Peg, this isn't a time for half measures, so forgive me. Do you love your husband?"

"YEEESSS! Oh God, yesss, more than about anything and I, and I ..."

"Okay, no goodbye embraces for your Russian space flight buddy. Get out of there now."

"Kathy ... I know Gary wants me happy to see him. He made plans for us to run off after I got home. I fear between my delay and my actions they're ruined now, one more log for my pyre. I don't know if he'll look at me, little less want to touch me now. On top of it all, my periods have just started coming back recently and they aren't regular yet."

Kathy was confused, "Your periods stopped? I thought you didn't shut down your cycle."

"I chose the lesser option, but they still stopped. I doubt Gary knows. I didn't want to use up our sparse time talking giving him more bad news."

"Did you tell your doctor they stopped?"

"Yeah, the same one that was handling all the shots. He said that wasn't supposed to happen but sometimes a person has a very strong reaction to the chemical. He said not to worry. Oh God, do you think Gary will be upset about that too?"

"Calm down, use your training. Peggy, um, did you have the Russian use a condom?"

"No why? I was out of my mind. I didn't have any thoughts towards details ... oh shit!"

"Yeah, that's gonna hit Gary's fan. Peggy, you're just going to have to take the fire on that one. You made your man mummify his wedding tackle, but not the man you cheated on him with."

There was silence on the other line. Kathy heard her friend sob.

"Sorry to pile on Peg. Are you, oh boy, have you picked up a disease from this Russian?"

"Shit." Peggy's vocabulary had definitely suffered during her time in space. "I don't think so. He looked ... okay, I mean ..." she let it drop away, embarrassed she had obviously seen him up close.

"Visuals won't tell you everything you need to know. Charge your phone and contact me anyway you have to once you are back in American hands. You've got my email and other numbers, use them and let me know your schedule. We need to have you tested. If you give you man a disease right now, especially considering the source, I doubt your marriage survives it."

"K-Kathy thank you for ... all of this. Can I ask something of you? I know I don't deserve it, but it's not for me."

"What?"

"It's for Gary. In most ways that are important you've been there for him when I haven't. Even now you're helping me but also him. I've been looking out for me while Gary had no one to watch over him.

"Because of me you may be put in a position where you can either protect the program, or Gary, or me, but not all of us. I know your loyalty is mostly to the program. That's what I did, only meaning to put it first through my flight. I botched that intent both before and after the flight. It breaks my heart that Gary may lose his last vestige of a friend, you, to the very same suitor who stole his wife: the space program. So be honest with him, if he flames out, he might want to take the program down. Tell him to keep it personal, to focus on his cheating wife, that she screwed up - not the program. He'll listen to a reasonable voice telling him that, if I said that to him, it would confirm his worst fears about what I value. Believe me he loves our country, and science, and all that Boy Scout stuff."

"Peg do you really think ..."

Peggy cut Kathy off, "Promise me Kathy that if it comes between his needs and mine, damn it, do what HE needs. I need you to make Gary your priority. He won't trust me very much. He needs someone he can trust. You can even tell him I said this, trying to lie to him will never work, and he doesn't deserve it. Besides you're doing enough without being asked to be duplicitous.

"So, promise me that if it comes to your choice of him or me you choose him. Got it?"

"Sure, I got it, but you DO love him ... right?"

"I would die for him, I swear. I can't believe what I've done. And I don't think he'll be able to believe I love him after what I've done."

* * * * * *

Docking

Gary

I opened the door as soon as I heard her knock. There was Kathy, my confidant, standing on my front porch. She'd called saying she had word of my wife and wanted to come over. She'd sent a couple messages earlier saying they knew where Peggy was and were acting to place her in US hands. Kathy knew I'd been anxious, the news of a delay in "quarantine" had my radar at full intensity. I could tell from Kathy's body language standing in my doorway something was amiss: she was slumped at the shoulders, head down, not looking me in the face.

I stated flatly, "You have bad news for me: I only expected a call."

Kathy's head hung unable to look at me. When she didn't answer I jumped the gun, "Oh shit! Is Peggy ... is she staying with him ... staying in Russia?"

As Kathy saw me her expression changed from anger to one of astonished sympathy. I was sure her anger hadn't been directed at me.

"Let me inside Gary. What I have to do to you will be worse out here where your neighbors could see."

I stepped back inside the house as Kathy walked past me. As I closed the door and turned, she wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm sorry Gary. I'm sorry! I'm telling you that from me, and also directly from Peggy."

Kathy felt me stiffen as she added, "I'm pissed to be put in this position, but this has to be done in person."

We stayed like that, as if slow dancing, one person trying to comfort another, for some time before she said with a sob, "Peggy is safe. Peggy is healthy. Peggy is back in our hands." She hugged me more tightly, I wasn't sure if she was clinging to me or holding me together for what was coming next.

Kathy was tall, inches taller than Peggy. She lifted herself on tiptoe putting her lips near my ear trying to be as comforting as she could, "My friend, you have been shortchanged."

She held me tighter as she felt me sag.

"Gary, you have a devoted woman who still completely loves you, who is going to be here to help you ... and make it up to you."

For whatever reason Kathy hugged me tighter. I thought I could detect little motions like she might be choking up as she said, "I'm sorry to tell you this Gary. I promised you I would tell you the truth. Even if the truth was not good. You can trust me that way.

"Gary, I need you to understand Peg's not gone, not by her choice. That will never be the case; she'll stick with you through thick and thin. You have two women devoted to helping you sort this out."

Even though Kathy had been a very good friend, I couldn't help noticing the addition of an extra element. I could evaluate that after I had the information. To avoid mission drift, I kept my focus on the primary subject.

Kathy explained, "Peggy and I are not working in concert; I promise you that. It's obvious to both Peggy and me that you have caused little trouble for her, while she has hurt you several ways. She understands she may not be with you in the future by your choice. She doesn't want that. She wants to be your wife again, Gary. And I want you to see her and talk to her and work it out thoroughly before you make any decision to send her away."

I shuffled Kathy from my front to my side keeping her under my wing. She appreciated the gesture reciprocating by wrapping both her arms around my chest as we walked side by side out of my foyer. She was glued to me with her bear hug as if it was all that held me together. I started to walk us to the family room stopping in the kitchen.

"Booze?" I queried.

"Yeah."

What's your poison?" I paused adding, "Mine's my wife."

"Oh Gary."

"Stay with me for a while?"

Kathy's large eyes grew earnest, "I'll stay all night if you want. It may help you to know that your sobbing wife has authorized me to do whatever I need in order to help you. She said if it came to either the program, her, or you, that I was to put you above both." Kathy paused in a way that caused me to think she may have edited the information.

"Peggy said you would probably not hurt the program because this was her personal failing not something generated by the program. This is about your pain caused by her and her actions. She's heartbroken, Gary. She can't believe what she did."

I asked directly the question we had been dancing around, "What did she do?"

Kathy pushed far enough out from under my arm to face me directly.

"Pretty much what you feared months before launch." She regarded me intensely shaking her head, "It's actually uncanny to me; I wasn't buying that she would. At first, I truly thought you were having a bit of an overreaction on that particular point. You'd definitely been screwed over and had every reason to be angry. I just wasn't convinced of your anxieties about her future.

Kathy's eyes narrowed peering into me, "You know, at the space agency, we look for cracks in the psych profile, but no crack appeared: Peg loved you so much, missed you so much, it seemed all was in order. Then it went incredibly sideways. She well, imagine all the concern and guilt over what went down before she launched. Then, instead of being back in your arms, suddenly she's a virtual prisoner in a foreign land. I think she cracked and grabbed a surrogate. Then she opened her eyes at the end, and it wasn't you. You truly knew her better than she knew herself."

Well, there it was. I took a note from the British: keep a stiff upper lip. I felt cold.

I explained coldly, "My assessment was based on the same personality trait that made her choose a course of birth control without thinking it all the way through or discussing it with me."

That made Kathy cringe: she knew something else. That could wait until I'd dealt with my wife's apparent infidelity.

"Gary, this "quarantine" was not something she was in on. It was not so they could extend their little fuck fest. Well damn it, maybe it was, but not with her permission or knowledge. Gary, she didn't fall until she was put in the quarantine. I believe that Gary. She might appreciate the extra couple of days in US hands now, but only so she can clear her head to face you.

"I've already pushed through additional medical leave; it was there for her anyway after initial debriefing. The debrief was a formality. Her work gathering data was done some time ago, there was little left to debrief her about. There's a bit of debrief needed now though, based on the irregularities after landing. Most will all be done electronically. NASA must decide how to handle, or not handle, what happened while she was in quarantine.

"The good news is you can talk to her via her phone or maybe skype. Don't tell her I told you what she did. I just couldn't let you hang again; you've been left hanging one way or the other for almost a year. I couldn't let you continue to wonder if she's alright. I couldn't let you hear about what happened some other way when you aren't sure if she loves you. It would have been a car wreck to find out from Peggy. I can just imagine it: she finally tells you she loves and only wants you, setting you up to be crushed when she explains how she let you down."

I didn't have anything to say. Kathy kept staring at me. Finally, she broke the silence, "Gary, it seems to me you are very alone. You haven't told me anything about your work for a long time, so I'm thinking that's not going well either."

"That's an understatement, Kath. Hmm, is there a possible pun there somewhere about undercover work?" Kathy smiled. Good. I'd defused that one for a while. Which allowed me to concentrate on the more important wrench in my life.

Sometimes you know these things are coming, but you still have to deal with them when they occur. I'd come to believe my wife would fall and accepted it as fact. That was months ago. I didn't believe it would be an affair, just a fall. Now that it was fact, the fuse was lit for worse things to come. I closed my eyes. I didn't have to deal with it all right now.

You'd think with so much time to prepare I'd do better, especially a practical guy like me. But being able to handle something or make it work out doesn't mean it doesn't rip you up, just that you can navigate being ripped.

I knew two things. First, as I expected this news, I wasn't going to give it any more reign over me than I could manage. I wouldn't truly consider it verified until I heard it from Peggy herself. So that was one defense perimeter established, now I just had to hold the line.

The second thing was there were only two predictions left on my list of terrible prophesies. I didn't want to deal with either of those, they made everything that had happened so far pale in comparison. I kept my eyes shut for a moment. I knew I could get through what was coming, I just didn't want to. I hadn't wanted any of this: I still didn't want any of it. I didn't want revenge. I knew what I wanted and didn't care what anyone thought of me for it. I was also quite sure I couldn't have what I wanted. Damn it all. Damn it, damn it.

My face betrayed something as Kathy went slightly grey at my expression. She bit her lip. She wasn't making a decision; it was already made; she was wondering how to tell me. The direct method won out.