Splashdown Ch. 06

Peggy got through to Kathy using old fashion email explaining that Alexi had stepped out to be tested some more. From the time frame he gave, Peggy expected him to be gone for a couple more hours. She said she ignored the Cyrillic script and found a way to convert the text to English then emailed Kathy directly using a tablet Alexi left in the cottage. I knew the Russians didn't use Cyrillic in their military emails, so that was done to keep Peggy from accessing the outside world. Strangely that was good news meaning she hadn't defected. Once the connection was made, Kathy and Peggy found a way to run a simple face time application. Peggy then explained she didn't have a voltage converter for her western cell phone, so it was useless.

I mused that may be a reason Peggy had been put up in an old cottage instead of a military or civilian hospital. I didn't know how many hours away they were from the space port but if they truly needed quarantine, taking them to a medical facility was the only idea that made sense not leaving them in afield to "germinate". Unless you didn't want Peggy able to talk to anyone in the West.

Kathy asked Peggy if there was anything, remembering her training, she needed to tell her.

"No, I'm not under arrest per se, well not by any political power. It's just my every attempt to leave or contact NASA has been stonewalled. You've got to get me out of here, Kathy!""

"What happened, Peg?"

"I failed. I failed so badly. I just needed a couple of days. Are people really watching me? I thought we were sort of off the radar."

"Your husband is pushing, and he has feelers in strange places. He's suspicious as hell, but he's more worried about you. Shit Peggy, he loves you very much and..."

"Does he know?"

Kathy thought, 'Know what?' She started slowly, "I don't know, but what I suspect has happened with you I got from him."

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Damn. Damn. Damn. I am such a screw up. I've betrayed everything in my life, including myself. I've betrayed myself completely."

"What have you done, Peggy? Are we talking secret research?"

"No. No, of course not. I don't have access to anything secret. I study gravimetric readings and I know a lot about metallurgy and polymer substitutes. As far as NASA or security is concerned, I'm not in a position to give up any important secret because I don't know any. I know slingshot maneuvers and the stresses they generate. I know the metals that are light enough yet strong enough and plentiful enough that we could actually send on a human trip to Mars. My collected data will let us conclude which materials will sustain the maneuvers needed to get there, even in an emergency. I also figure out how to machine or shape the materials cost efficiently enough to make budget. That's part of the criterion they will use to choose which materials we use. I haven't finished, that work isn't done yet, it doesn't exist yet in a form you could steal. Besides it's all boring."

"But, Peggy, it's all stuff we have to know before we can go back to the moon and Mars."

"Kathy, only the collected and collated data would mean anything to foreign powers, and it's encrypted at a pay grade much higher than mine. I don't even have access to my own data from the space station where I am now."

Kathy explained, "Peg, it's all stuff the Russians would love to know without having the exorbitant expense of figuring it out. Okay it isn't figured out yet, but you know how it goes. If the government designates the raw materials we eventually choose as secret, all the bad guys need to do is discuss manufacturing with the chosen contractors to find out what they are. You may not remember all the new data, but you know how we machine and fabricate those materials. That information is the key to what we can and can't do, which is the criterion for choosing. That's very valuable information, Peg."

Peg shook her head, "Not that they've asked, but finding out by detaining an astronaut is completely inefficient as well as sloppy as hell."

Kathy sighed, "Did you discuss any of the data with the cosmonauts?"

"No Kathy, I didn't betray my country, though some will see it that way. Kathy, I ... I ... I cheated on my husband!"

"No."

Kathy's was a small voice that spoke perfectly to the situation. In effect saying, 'I can't believe it really happened'. She couldn't help but think that Gary saw it coming clear as day!

Peggy's voice was anguished, this was confession not just an exchange of information. "We had already gone down, er, we had landed. Jeez, I'm all over the place with Freudian slips, think I'm obsessing any? And well, the situation ... my situation was ... something happened up there with my long-term injectables. Initially they killed my sex drive, then they just wore off. Near the end I was bouncing off the walls just as Gary had predicted. The guys up there could tell. There were side effects. Damn it Kathy, you could smell my arousal! It was the most embarrassing thing I have ever been through, though it will be eclipsed soundly when I face Gary."

Kathy was listening though stunned. She found it hard to swallow. She grabbed for a bottle of water as Peggy continued.

"They were great, the cosmonauts, the men, that is. Damn it though, through it all I formed a ... closeness with one. And well, when we went down," Kathy watched on the video screen as her friend's eyes popped open at her own choice of words, "Oh shit, you know what I mean. Just the two of us returned, just the both of us are in quarantine.

"It's nothing like our system Kath. We would have been in a hermitically sealed lab. We landed out in some field. After some quick checks the group that picked us up drove us to a quiet little house, a cottage really, in the middle of nowhere, apparently a few miles from a military base where we were supposed to report after quarantine. I was really surprised there was no one there representing our government. I guess for the public and the budget, trips to the space station are pretty mundane now. Especially extended stays.

Kathy had been to the space station three times. Once she came back in a Soyuz instead of the shuttle. She knew the drill and found a number of things unusual in what Peggy said, our government having no one present was the most extreme.

"The authorities left us a jeep of sorts to drive back to the base when our quarantine time is up. I'm sure they're watching the roads. I to make sure we don't leave - leave."

Peg looked up at Kathy through the screen, her eyes as soulful as Kathy had ever seen, her hands were now on her thighs just above her knees and rubbing them so hard they would surely be red. Her bottom lip quivered, "And I ... I fell. Oh God, I love Gary I swear, but I still fell. I fell, Kath!"

After a brief pause Kathy asked, "Are you leaving Gary?"

"Nooo!" came the immediate anguished reply, "But he's going to leave me! Six months of waiting for me when he wasn't really sold on my going for that long. That's on top of the weakest most frustrating sex I've ever given him for months prior, the worst sex he's ever had I'm sure. The best thing to be said of it was it was infrequent. I'm sure he didn't see anything positive in that.

"And I made him wear condoms. He glared at them every single time he saw them. Oh Kathy, I swear there were times he looked at those and thought of my performance lately and just decided the relief he needed so much wasn't worth it. And it shouldn't have been merely relieving him, it should have been fun. It always had been, and we felt so close afterwards, this was forcing us apart.

"His eyes, Kathy, the contempt there for his plight, worse the reflected betrayal he saw in me, h-he thought I wanted that ugliness for him. Yes, I chose it for him, I plotted it out for him, I insisted on it, but just to avoid pregnancy before I went up. I didn't want to denigrate him. I wanted Gary to have the sensation even if I couldn't feel it like normal, except he needed to please me! H-He worked like crazy to turn me on and I just wasn't. Oh Kathy, I could see his heart breaking sometimes. Then I would start to tear up, and with that he lost his ..."

Kathy worked to process what Peggy said. Before she could ask follow-up questions Peggy would charge ahead. It became the pattern.

"Pleasing me was always a high point for Gary. I didn't realize how much effort he put into pleasing me or exactly how much he got off on my being pleased. No matter how hard he worked I wasn't getting aroused and that meant he really couldn't be either. It wasn't just taking away what made him happy, it wasn't like he had a broken toy and was pouting. It, it was like I had stopped loving him! I know that's what he thought, it's clearly what he felt."

Kathy worked a wedge into Peggy's confession, "How much time do we have before you believe your cosmonaut friend gets back?"

"Please don't call him that. He's not my friend. Once I explain you'll see."

"How much time t do we have Peg? It's important give me your best estimate."

"Alexi hasn't been duplicitous just a creep. From what he said I would honestly expect him to be gone another three hours."

"Okay, we are going to take that as two. I must work fast Peg, but I will still be here. If I sound distant, I'm working some things out on my end. Keep talking Peggy, we're going to get you out of there!"

"I need to get out Kath. I really desperately need to get out! I'm just so scared what I'm coming back to. My return is going to wreck what's left of Gary's world."

"You need to have more faith in Gary."

"Kathy, I've told you a lot, but I haven't told you how bad it got. I really don't know how Gary stuck with me until the flight; I put him through hell, Kathy. And he took it all for me. Sometimes he was mad. But it wasn't the cold shoulder, it was Gary knowing if he spoke, he would say something inflammatory. So, he just clammed up. And did so for my benefit! So, he didn't even have a way to vent his anger or frustration."

Kathy listened as her fingers flew across the keyboard calling some staff to her office while informing other organizations involved with Peggy's unusual stay in Russia of the breakthrough in communications.

Peggy poured her heart out, "Gary kept it all inside to preserve my best for my flight. He really did try to keep my mind on the mission. And Kath, I did too good a job of it. I'd see him hurt, which would hurt me like crazy, except then I would be back to my studies and Gary was just left to fend for himself.

"I wasn't just a lousy wife: I was a rotten friend. Kathy, the man I promised to love, honor, and cherish made cock cage jokes because of my decisions concerning him. He refered to the condoms as his cock cages, saying they both performed the same basic function: not allowing the wearer to form an erection.

"I know he wanted to say that with the condom he felt as little as I did after taking the long-term injection."

A few of the people Kathy had called to her office were arriving now. she hastily scribbled out notes to them with directives attached. She watched them go grey reading her message, nodding confirmations to them as they looked to her face for affirmation. Kathy would speak into the phone, "Keep going Peg, let it out. I want to hear it." The people assembling in the office realizing that Kathy was actually speaking to their missing astronaut right in front of them, practically sprinted away to complete their missions.

Peggy, unaware of the mobilization on her behalf, kept regurgitating the garbage that had been filling her soul, "You should've seen Gary one night, Kathy. We'd been trying to be intimate; it reached the point where we both knew it wouldn't work. Confronted with the situation Gary c-couldn't work, there was nothing arousing for him. In fact, most factors were the anthesis of arousing for him. Gary needed me to need him, to need his touch. He saw plainly that in my state I didn't particularly want him -- that way. He was so sad, so defeated. He just hung his head and walked away. I thought he wanted his privacy. My lack of passion had dulled my emotions too, so I left him that way!

"I gave him his space. Hell, he was drowning in his space. He didn't want space. The last thing Gary needed was space. And I was using every bit of mine to prepare for the mission. I thought I needed my space; I made good use of my space.

"Kathy this is vile; using the lubed condoms and the state I was in, the few times we tried it felt like a medical exam. I'm normally enthusiastic, and I just wasn't. Gary needs to start with sex, then makes love once we are really into it. By cutting off the more basic sex I had cut off the path to more meaningful love as well.

"If Gary held me, God help me, sometimes I cried. Being held was wonderful for me, but what man wants that reaction? If he simply stroked me and spoke softly, I got the dose of intimacy I needed in my altered state. I didn't realize until much later that a huge dose of the intimacy Gary felt was as he pushed me over the edge physically. At those times I both wanted him and trusted him completely. With that unavailable to him Gary had no way to connect intimately. I had cut him off from me sexually, emotionally, and intimately. By letting him go off alone and defeated he probably thought I didn't even care about his loss.

Kathy had been typing furiously to several other branches while om the line with Peggy. She was connected to the State Department now and had convinced them she was presently in contact with Peggy. She hated what Peggy was saying but she needed time to work on her behalf. She also needed Peggy to disgorge enough emotion that she would be ready to roll when the plan they were forming was finally pieced together. Peggy was doing everything Kathy needed her to do; dumping her crippling feelings as well as burning the clock while forces were marshalled in her defense.

"G-Gary was insulted. He felt he was no more than a box I felt I needed to check off occasionally, and that I saw time spent on him or in bed with him as still time on the clock. He was merely one more checklist item to be managed.

"He mocked the situation once as if reading from my planner, "Gary, I have you scheduled to give me two quick O's between 10:15 and 10:35 then I'm scheduled to study ferric response at negative 400 degrees."

Peggy cringed as she related, "I was a little put off by his sarcasm and made the mistake of telling him. He told me I should get back to my studies then, which really shocked me because we were trying to make love. I had my dander up and stupidly mentioned my discord. He slew me with two lines. "First," he said, "Look at my wilting cock, baby. That's the effect of a minus 400-degree cold shoulder on formerly proud ferric material.""

Kathy wanted to laugh at the line. It was classic Gary. It was also a giant flare illuminating the desperation of two people. She heard herself whistle though, indicating she understood the magnitude of the remark.

Peggy nodded adding, "I was angry with myself, Kathy, but Gary thought my expression was displeasure with him. His second volley was dead on target. Looking at my anger he said, "What? Did I mess up your precious study schedule for real?"

"Damn it, Kathy, I had just thought that I didn't have time for this trouble. I had told myself I would do more studying after we made love!

"Everything Gary said was devastatingly on target. I probably was thinking "come on, get me off so I can finish my studies". Just as he had previously said I figured he'd give me two weak ones, because that was all I could muster then. I was trying to figure out how Gary would try for more -- including his own satisfaction; I was calculating how much time it would take before he gave up!

"I was stunned by the reality: I was a terrible wife and a terrible person! Kathy, I had no plans to try to bring Gary off that night. His frustration and defeat was just part of the dance now. I just accepted it, and on to my studies. My man was suffering because of me, and I didn't even care anymore. It was his problem to deal with alone because I had more important things to do. Worse, I was so stunned by the revelation I'd let him walk away defeated yet again. Even when I was thinking of how badly I'd let him down, I was thinking more of myself than of him!

"I tried to follow him and talk to him about it. I apologized profusely except I didn't try to relieve him at all. It didn't occur to me. I was still out of sync. Kathy, we need to ban whatever chemical I got shot up with. Emotionally, and all the other ways, I was a dead fish to Gary.

"I didn't hear some of what he said, because it was occurring to me how he must believe he was a distant second to my mission. I was reeling from the fact that he was right. I came out of my fog hearing him say that if I didn't want to be with him, I should just say so. Kathy, God help me, I considered if that wasn't the better course now."

Kathy gasped.

"Yes Kathy, that gasp is how I felt about it when I finally felt it. I was a mostly numb person. But by the time I dismissed that terrible thought, enough time had gone by that Gary knew I actually had been considering it! Even though he was trying to maintain an even keel for my mental well-being prior to launch, that night I pushed him too far. Gary was livid by the end of the talk.

"We were both thinking it, then he said it. Sure enough, as far as he was concerned, I had chosen the mission over him. We both knew we used to be on the same page on everything, and we both knew now it was hard finding any common ground.

"Gary felt I purposely chose to spurn him for the time before the launch, as well as accidentally for the length of the mission. Kathy, there's some truth to that. The experts told me I couldn't go if I got pregnant and I thought I was being generous to our married future by not shutting off my menstrual cycle, instead just shutting down my husband."

Kathy shook her head in both dismay and disgust.

"I didn't pay anywhere enough attention to the seriousness of shutting Gary off sexually. In effect I did from the moment I made the decision and got the shot. That it was done before he even knew it was a possibility infuriated him.

"How do you tell your great love that you didn't choose to hurt him on purpose, but were willing to accept his discomfort as a mere side effect to further yourself? How do you tell a man you purport to honor that you just didn't bother to think about him enough while making an important decision that affected him too? I mean, that reason is just as bad as the alternative, isn't it? Isn't that the same as saying, "I don't hate you, I just don't care about you"? Neither is true, though my actions told Gary another story.

"I was flustered when they told me about the injections. I acted too quickly and made the wrong choice. As a result, my husband couldn't have a sexual or emotional relationship for almost a year. Piling that slight atop keeping secret the length of my trip paints a pattern of abuse. A pattern I have yet to bounce back from, a pattern I must convince him was a horrible mistake added to a terrible consequence. Couple those with what I did once I was back on Earth, which was also a byproduct of the first two and ... Gary will never believe I love him. I really don't see how he could."

Kathy was reeling from Peggy's confession. She knew the poor woman had to get some of this off her chest. That was vitally important to Gary as well. But they had other big fish to fry at the moment. Before Kathy could drive her to the next topic Peggy had composed herself and continued in a calmer manner.

"From the initial discussion of my options and telling Gary I had acted without consulting him, the sex thing was always a sore point for me. If I thought sex or a discussion of it was approaching I clamed up and got worse.