Splashdown Ch. 06

"Kathy, I can't think it through now, I can't process it all. I know I forecast what happened to Peg, but seeing it coming, and living with it when it comes, are two different things. I haven't stood by my vows, my marriage, and Peg herself for ten months only to give up now. I saw the probabilities to this point, but not entirely beyond. Kathy, I never saw you, or us, in the mix."

She frowned thinking I was letting her down.

I put my fingers on her chin, "I like thinking about us Kathy. You make me happy. Happier than I've been this entire time, and as happy as I've ever felt. Kath, I don't know what to do. Do I want you, not just yes - but hell yes! But Kath, understand, I must see this thing, this mess, and this marriage, with Peg through.

"Am I going to feel like a chump, like an idiot, if I don't "avail myself"? Unquestionably, and for the rest of my life. You've been a true friend and just proved it many times over. I've never heard a more heartfelt offer, nor one more deserving of being taken. But I have to hear Peg out, that's the bare minimum. You were right when you said she's going to need counseling. She's going to need someone to prop her up. No one can do that like me, even if I decide to leave her.

"Kath, I've had some suspicions this entire time, though my "separation" from my job has kept me from checking into them. You must've seen Peg was in a perfect position to play the patsy on this mission. It stands out like a sore thumb. Others in my profession saw the same thing. They had to check if she or I were compromised. As that's not the case, Peggy as patsy is the call I would make. I have to find out because that's a game changer. While it won't change what happened, it might change why."

The top of Kathy's cheeks pulled up close to her eyes as her sympathetic brows drew lower. "I've thought of that, Gary, and dismissed it. Taking advantage of an astronaut, regardless of who her spouse is or works for, endangers the Russian space program, they can't afford to lose the American money. Besides it wouldn't change Peggy's culpability even if she was targeted because of you, she failed on her own. I'm not trying to paint Peg in the negative, only ensure you don't take her sins as your own."

"What if she had help falling, Kath? What if someone played with her pharmaceuticals?"

Kathy gasped.

"I was too close to it, Kath. I should have cried bullshit when they told her she had to choose her birth control on the spot. Having to make the choice right away never made sense. I should've forced the issue. I told Peg I was going to. I'd already discussed the possibility of Peg being played because of my job to my superior. To keep raising the subject would've made it seem I was trying to divert attention away from her or give her blanket immunity. Both normally make folks in my business double down. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting them investigate as they saw fit. If it turns out Peg was tampered with, I made a grave mistake."

Kathy nodded, shaken.

"Kathy, suppose that wasn't the end of it either."

Kathy's eyes narrowed into a wince, "Gary, perhaps you've already made your decision about your marriage. You're sort of chasing this down the rabbit hole now. You must really want to exonerate your wife. I'm sorry, but this is a ton of conjecture."

"I'm not chasing it, Kathy. I'm paid to think of different angles. This is a plausible enough angle that it needs to be properly dismissed. There are ways to do it. I used to be in a position to do it. I virtually guarantee one of my compatriots already knows the answer. Peg will certainly be having blood drawn. The test results will tell us."

"Wait Gary, blood drawn today may tell you if she was slipped something once on the ground, it may not give you the answers about the pharmaceuticals package she had before launch. Tampering then would require someone inside the space agency to accomplish, wouldn't it?"

"Most likely."

Kathy went pale. I think it was the same expression she'd wear if her capsule was about to reenter the atmosphere and she just read the fuel level was too low to fire retro rockets.

"Kath, don't worry. Those facts will work themselves out. Nor have I decided my future. I just wanted to explain why I have a way to go before I'm able to decide. I'd never want you to think I was stringing you along."

Her expression changed entirely. She nodded happily hugging me saying, "No, I wouldn't have thought that. Who knows," she said playfully, "maybe I'd enjoy be strung along for a while?"

I laughed softly making eye contact, "I needed to say that before I said this. Kathy, I have never just let my guard down and trusted someone to watch over me while I was vulnerable. That's what I was trying to explain about my parents and Peggy before. All of this has taken a toll. I want to just drop all my defenses for a while. I want to stop using all my energy to keep it together. I want you to stay the night. Yes, in my bed. But Kathy, while I want to let my guard down completely, I'm hoping that doesn't mean I'll lose all my discipline.

"Starting out like this doesn't seem right. Who knows, the passion and the promise may purify it, but I am married, and my wife is compromised and broken in a foreign country, if we were to start something between us, this is not the best way to go. I know the opportunity's here. I know the desire is here - on both our parts." Which elicited a moan from Kathy, making her turn crimson in embarrassment. "Wouldn't we look back and frown?"

Kathy narrowed her eyes, "Gary, promising you my honesty I must admit I've never been this turned on in my life. I guarantee I won't regret it. Sorry, I know that doesn't make holding out easier, the only thing I'd regret would be somehow losing you as a friend over it and I simply will not allow that to happen."

She pulled me in close for a hug, it was warm and passionate, "This is not seduction. My best friend has just told me he trusts me like no one else. I'll protect you! A woman has curves and crevices for nurturing and consoling, some make it easy for us to protect as we wrap ourselves around those we care for. So, expect me to pour those out for you. If you want it to become seduction let me know. I'll follow your lead, Gary. Being honest again; this is hard for me, but you trust me, so I'll fight with everything I've got to protect you all through the night."

Kathy pulled my face into her neck. I felt her doing some odd little dance. I realized she was executing that strange maneuver women perform to take off their bra while leaving their outer clothing on. Apparently, Kathy was willing to nestle my face between her lovely breasts.

I wasn't sure how letting my emotional guard down was going to play out with a beautiful loving caring woman in my bed. I didn't want to betray Peggy. I wasn't going to shift the blame to her if I did. I just needed to stop holding myself in, and up. Damn it, I needed to hit reset.

I did trust Kathy. I was sure our bond would grow tonight and be stronger in the morning regardless of what happened. I wanted to stop reigning myself in and being so responsible and just, well, everything.

Kathy pulled my head up. Looking deeply into my eyes she pulled my face back and gave me a passionate kiss on ... my chin. All the while locking her eyes on mine. Then she turned and started to lead me by the hand upstairs.

"It's time for you to let the worries of the world go. You need to rest, time for bed."

* * * * *

Kathy stood beside my bed looking at it, immobile, then at me already under the sheets. She began to tremble. My goodness, her uncertain, yet tempted, sigh was cute. We still didn't know the full definition of what "having her in my bed" meant. We decided to call it a night to find out.

Kathy had led me upstairs without my having given her a direct answer. I thought I'd conveyed my acquiescence, but Kathy clearly needed something more definitive. When we arrived upstairs, she looked down the opposite side of the hall from the master bedroom and grew quiet. Instead of heading to the guest rooms I took the lead, and us, towards the master bedroom. It had been mine alone for just over six months. I hesitated and Kathy misunderstood.

I tried to keep the smile out of my voice, "Kath, my most excellent friend let me explain my pause. It suddenly occurred to me that I have not been "in" my wife for more than six months. Now another man has beaten me there after my dutiful wait. It seems small turnabout that another woman shares only my bed before Peggy returns to it."

That was all. I didn't accompany the thought with anything resembling "I'll show her." I was just being philosophic.

I didn't lessen my grip on her as I traveled through the door. Before we crossed the threshold Kathy stopped me. She was very nervous and trying not to tremble. Remember: astronaut, so something big was up.

She looked at me with doleful eyes, "Gary, I need to be a friend first, but I'm failing. I need to tell you I'm failing. I want this. I want you. I think you should take my offer, at the friend with benefits level anyway. Yes, I'll only hold you and nothing more if that's your desire, but I want to make sure you've really thought this through.

"You've lived like a monk, while being the farthest thing from a monk. Peggy originally told you she'd be two weeks away with full love and benefits right up to launch. It wasn't Peggy's fault that two weeks stretched to three months, then six. It was her fault that six became ten.

"You're a man and a proud man. The way it happened warred to take your pride too. Gary, you must feel like the world was trying to rip your balls off, and probably that it succeeded to some degree."

Kathy winced and ground her teeth. She implored as if I simply hadn't understood before, "You can have it all back, Gary. You can have your power and your manhood restored. Peg cheated and gave me permission to restore you. She did, I swear! I would never lie to you. I don't want you to feel guilty afterwards. I don't want to lose you as a friend. Peg's on board with what should happen in there," Kathy pointed into the bedroom. "You don't have to wait to regain your identity, self-confidence, and general manhood. You don't have to face her, then decide if you want to keep her, then wait until you can bare to touch her again before you have a chance to heal yourself. You can be healed first, then go into those discussions and travails a fully restored man dealing from an even keel.

"You don't have to make any sort of commitment to me except trusting me to help you heal. You don't have to make love to me, just get your own back, you can turn me over not look at me, even pretend I'm her if you need to!"

Kathy frowned at her own suggestion, then nodded confirming the offer. "Y-You don't even have to pretend it's anything other than a nice body that will respond to your touch. My body is already responding to you."

She saw something in my face. Her eyes went huge.

"Oh. I'm sorry Gary. I wasn't trying to push buttons; I want to appeal to your reason. I really want you and want this for you. I don't want to tempt you to do something you won't respect. I-I'm just trying to balance it all: I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you've kept it together. Gary, it's whatever you need. I promise it's all for you, even if what you need is leaving me alone."

Kathy ground her teeth again. She wanted what she wanted, although that part of her was in a heck of a fight with the side that wanted to be a good friend. The problem was both sides of her thought I should screw her until the sun came up. That however was what I said I wanted to avoid. She was in a classic position of thinking I was too close to the forest to see the trees. She thought she knew what was better for me than I did. She may have been right.

Kathy shook her head continuing, "I'm sorry I keep vacillating. I don't mean to push myself on you, but my honesty comes rushing out with you. I'm so reserved, so careful around others, somehow, you've gotten around that in me, and well, you make me gush." Kathy turned crimson again, "Yeah well, true I'm sure, but I meant verbally."

I was troubled and simply didn't want to think anymore, "I'm not sure what to tell you, Kathy, that's a lot to think about."

Her expression rapidly turned contrite, "I know Gary, and at a time you are weary of thinking."

I smiled that she understood. "Kath, I don't have to think about this much," I started to pull her into the bedroom. I gave her what I hoped was a smoldering smile. Maybe it was too much as she began to shake. She looked panicked and embarrassed.

"Gary, give me an emotional time out. I-I want to do something first, before we go in. Things will be different once we are in there, so I want a small something before. Something that can be left out here in the hall, if need be. You don't have to respond, but please give me this; b-being in a man's bed is a huge deal for me, so please, you don't have to respond at all, just give me this."

I had no idea what Kathy wanted. I let her know the stage was hers. She reached up on her toes and put her arm around my neck while the fingers from her other hand wrapped in my hair pulling the back of my head down, bringing my face to hers. She pressed her lips to mine. I didn't really kiss back, though I crushed her in my arms eliciting a swooning moan from this beautiful caring blonde. When the kiss finally broke, Kathy was gazing up at me with huge eyes and dilated pupils.

Kathy stood there wobbly after I pulled her through the threshold. She looked down at the bed almost fearfully then glanced back up at me, actually biting her lip with those big soulful eyes searing their own private path into my being. Kathy was mine for the taking, she would follow my lead. She wanted to be the best friend she could, including with her body. She would give herself to me for the night or the rest of her life. This was hugely important to her. It was also responsibility, and I didn't want responsibility tonight. Could I ever be free of it?

I put the ball back in her court by pulling off my shirt and doffing my jeans. I pulled back the sheets and slid into bed still in my boxers.

Kathy was trembling again, her mouth was open, and she was breathing heavily. As soon as she saw me looking at her, she was instantly ensconced in my arms. Suddenly she pulled back and stood. She deliberately traveled to the other side of the bed. She regarded that side of the bed seriously, obviously thinking she was about to take Peggy's place. She undid her belt as her eyes glowed soulfully. She let her slacks drop to the floor, hesitated as if to mark the moment, and began unbuttoning her shirt.

She looked down at me, her lips slightly parted with hunger. Her now smoldering eyes never left mine, she stepped to the side of the bed pulled back the sheet, never releasing it with her hand, moved a knee up and glided her leg onto the bed folding herself atop it, making a sliding motion of entry. The sheet still in her hand simply dropped back into place with her under it. Men just don't move like that!

Kathy wanted to reach out to touch me but stopped. Her eyes darted all around, several ideas warring in her head. She was disappointed for a fleet moment, then thought better of it. Resolved, she reversed her motion and stood beside the bed once more. I thought she was leaving to sleep in the guest room. Instead, she finished unbuttoning her shirt. Biting her lip, she glanced at me, then shyly away. Putting her shoulders back the silken sleeves glided down her graceful arms, her heaving breasts split the parted halves of the shirt, and she came out of the garment like a butterfly unfolding its wings for the first time.

Kathy reached out taking the sheet, pulled it like a tablecloth to just below her wonderful bosoms not allowing me to view her through it, and bit her lower lip in decision again. Bending quickly her other hand lowered her panties, stepping out of them with each leg, in an unaware seductiveness. She glanced at their condition for a moment and swallowed deeply. She stood back upright, trembling, her teeth never leaving her bottom lip. She slid back into bed. This time she reached out putting her hand on my chest, then moved it to my jaw, cupping it gently, as a lover would.

I felt like the world's largest fool breaking this moment, I simply had to speak now.

"Kath ..."

She cut me off, "Gary, just ... please, please, you can pretend I'm her. I'm going to know it's you. Give me that, okay?"

"Kath, I can't." She looked crushed, I really didn't want to admit my condition, but I couldn't let her think the wrong thing. I said with a steady voice so she would understand "I mean I don't know if I'm physically able." She looked shocked. I tried to explain further, "The confirmation of Peggy's affair was quite a shock, every time I think of it, I want to puke. If not for you I would be sleeping on the bathroom floor."

Kathy was heartbroken for me. Her eyes grew into large dark glistening pools.

Feeling quite foolish I continued talking, "And right now, I'm still married. I have a thunderstorm in my mind. Everything's crazy in there. I'm losing it, Kath. I'm losing composure."

Kathy crawled atop my chest, her arms wrapping around me as we lay chest to chest. It seemed she wanted to push her breasts through me. Ah, the healing power of breasts.

"Kath, I want to, badly. I mean I really, really, want to, but I can't make the same mistake Peg did, and not at the eleventh hour like she did. If we, you and I, get a chance to be together that isn't how I want us to start. I just want to hold you right now, is that okay? I really need you, Kath!"

With my acknowledgment of her value to me Kathy's eyes brightened, her teeth were back on her lower lip, though more tightly this time. She nodded happily. I added one sentence that I felt might lead her on though I meant every word of it: I was trapped in that moment, and she made the moment so much better, "Thank God for you, Kath."

She clung to me desperately. She was not going to let me to be victimized by the raging storm in my soul. She was not going to let me face the gale alone. Thank God for Kathy, indeed.