Splashdown Ch. 08

Her mouth was open as she glanced at me the next time.

Ensuring she didn't screw up a mission she had trained for most her life, she unilaterally chose courses of action that would hurt her spouse. Most not even necessary. Her original choice happened prior to her "mistakes" or her shots being switched.

While Peg had originally seen that snap decision as definitely rash; it may have been foolish, but it didn't mean she loved her career more than her husband. That I believed differently stunned her. She wasn't on the right battlefield at all.

I was always proud of how Peg chewed through problems in the past. It was interesting watching it play out now. In temperament and talent my Peggy was largely back.

I saw her have trouble now, she'd run up against something big. This was more than a speed bump. I put myself in her shoes adding the bits together in a new way for the first time, what conclusion would she have faced that distressed her so? Considering the component parts involved, it had to be a biggee. Was there something I didn't know?

She looked up at me forlorn. "Oh Gary," she despaired.

I knew then she had come to the terrible question. She thought she'd reassigned her priorities temporarily to serve the space mission. She thought shifting those priorities had caused an unexpected cascade in her love life ending in a sexual tryst with another man and a thoroughly disaffected and humiliated husband. It was dawning on her the problem wasn't her prep for this specific mission, it was how she approached the idea of a mission way before a specific one was ever assigned.

She thought through all the ramifications. Did she feel I should accept her decisions and being put in my place, a different and lower place? Was her priority list changed only for the mission? Or did those distinctions exist prior, only surfacing because of the mission? Wait, did that mean she really DID have more loyalty to the mission than to me?

Her eyes were simply huge and horrified.

My voice broke her thinking. Now that she saw things as I did, I could set the table for her.

"This is what I don't know Peg. If you got offered a second mission right now, but you had to take the chemicals again that would deny me, I don't know what you'd choose. A husband needs to be confident. Maybe what was SO important to you was being up there once. Maybe it doesn't have the same pull now. Maybe with everything that's happened you've changed your priorities. Perhaps I, and our future kids, rank higher now."

Peggy's expression was horrified dismay. However, she was sticking with the conversation, I could see she was trying to sort it all through, more than just what I was talking about. For now, I wanted her focused on what I was saying. I decided to be more belligerent in that cause. Perhaps my training is offensive, it's also effective.

"Peggy, I don't know just how far you'd throw me, if they said you have to throw me away to go into space again."

Peggy's eyes snapped wide at my presumption she'd choose space. I wasn't finished.

"What would you have done if everything that happened was known to you up front? Let's choose just one aspect. If they had said that you can go up, but only on the condition that you fuck another guy for a couple of days. I believe you might very well have taken the deal."

She fell back, her eyes pleadingly asking how I could say that? Unfortunately, I had an answer.

"Because I know for a fact if they said you can go, but only if you put a knife in your husband's back that you would, because you did, and you did it more than once. They set a condition for you going up, that you not go down with me. And you agreed!"

Peggy knew her heart had stopped. She thought the blood in her veins had evaporated, boiled away as in the cold vacuum of space.

"Peggy, so did I. I agreed to your outrageous requirements because I chose to stay with you after you betrayed me, which is stabbing myself. I still choose to do it. I'll keep doing it until you make me regret it so much that I find solace in someone else's arms. I've had that opportunity. Knowing that even you wouldn't blame me, I still didn't do it."

Peggy's head shook back and forth several times before she could form words, "Oh Gary, damn me, damn me." I could read her mind, which went blank except for the thought, 'I love this man, yet I've wounded him grievously. And he still keeps walking through the fires I set to save me.' Then all she could feel was the thumping of her heart in her chest.

I added, "Guilt and dismay is not what I want. I need you to confront the same issues in the same way I am. We can't overtake this thing unless we are simpatico again.

"I'll tell you what I want. I want you, and I want you to make sure from here on out that you don't make me regret staying with you. There're no Russians, no espionage, and nothing left out there that you love more than me. I don't think you should have a problem. I don't believe you've ever loved another man more than me. I need to feel you would never betray me again though. If I did come to feel that way, I would simply be gone. I know guilt could get in the way, but I'm telling you I don't want that, please allow yourself to love me, and it will be alright."

Peg was close to frantic, "I do love you, more and more each day. I do. I want you so bad it hurts, and I can't stand that you hurt because of me."

"Then just make me feel good because you're happy to be with me, and let your guilt go. I don't suggest we ignore what happened, but the best way to get around the broken bridge is simply to change our course ... together and go on as we want things to be. I don't want to worry about the bridge that's out or that we've changed into different people because of it. It's all over now and we have our happy ending; there's a path we can walk together, if we can just make ourselves take it."

"Gary, I will love you more each day. That rocket, the mission, it's all ov ... well, I love you more now. Do you believe it? Please tell me you believe it."

"Even in the mirror, Peggy, I can see that pattern a mile away."

* * * * * *

Retro Rockets

Gary

Unfortunately, we didn't simply let go of our pain and the past that caused it. Months later we in an evolutionary pattern, I needed revolution. Peg is obsessed with what she has done to me, so we both wallow in it. At times it's like she won't let me forget it. I'm still not sure what she really feels for me. I still don't know how much of her apathy to my plight was drug-induced, and how much was just her not loving me as much as I thought. Which, horribly, was the simplest most complete answer. We were making slow progress, although I saw no good reason why we should be harboring this much pain.

Kath was the bright spot, she would flirt if she thought my ego needed it, she would cajole, she had sympathy without pity, she would even kick my ass if it was called for. Her main mission was to not let me sink into that morass that comes to most men when betrayed and devalued by their loved one: that they begin to see themselves having the lesser value their mate assigned them.

Currently Kathy was watching me sink into another funk.

"Gary, life can be very complicated. I've seen unfair things: accidents, hideous wounds, far too much drama. We've chosen a course that contains those things as well as wondrously positive things. I'm still planning to live that chosen life."

Kathy walked over from her kitchen counter to hand me a mug of coffee.

"Gary, for a non-lethal circumstance you and your wife's ledger sheet is as out of balance I've ever seen. Normally if one goes off track, the other contributed as an accessory before the fact. I don't see it here. As you saw the stars aligning against you and told me what would happen before it did, I hope you can see a clear course for yourself. If you can see the better course, all you have to do is chart it and steer it."

I smiled and she got it. This wasn't entirely up to me. It was like having had your car slide off the road becoming mired in a ditch and having someone tell you, "Well, get out of the ditch."

She nodded acknowledging the problem, "Your marriage is a wreck. Your wife is a cheater, and she's a wreck. And your career is toast, isn't it?" Kathy was sympathetic, putting her hand on my shoulder, while I sipped the coffee she'd made. "Listen Gary, you make things happen. You can find a job you like, even if you don't like it as much. Maybe it won't be as important, but it may be more fun. Hey, if you can't go back, you deserve to have fun."

Kathy knew I didn't like being stuck; she knew I hated it. She wisely concentrated on things I could change on my own.

"So, you can mope about what you've lost, which is not your style, or chart your new course and go get the career you want most, given present circumstance, and have fun.

"It's the same with your love life. If you want Peg gone, tell her so, and she's gone. Don't look back, find another gal who could fall hard for you and wants to make you happy. You're looking at one right now by the way. Or if you choose, keep your wife and I'll be your truest friend. I've stopped tempting you physically as you wanted. Just excuse some awkward longing moments for a while though. You're a good friend of mine, so you can overlook those for me."

I thought she might wink at the end of her last statement, thankfully she refrained.

"If you still love Peg and can't stand the thought of living without her, damn it, you don't have to! Don't you see? Just say the word and you'll have the most devoted wife on the planet! Especially after everything that's transpired."

I put my coffee down abruptly, "Kath, you must see that I've tried just that. It hasn't worked, all those awful talks where she dredges up detail after detail, every one of them putting my heart in a vice and my ... I was wise not wanting details."

"Gary, Peggy never wanted to have an affair, tryst, dalliance whatever the hell you call it. She'll never go near one again! She only wants you and wants you more than everything else combined. She's awaiting your sentencing. Gary, if you want her just say so and she's yours, all yours, for the rest of your lives. After what happened she would rather open her wrist than go near it again."

Kathy sighed seeing I wasn't convinced.

"Gary, it looks like she could go to Hopkins with their ties to satellites, and Goddard is surely in play. If you don't want to relocate for her career, but want to move somewhere for you, she'll go right by your side."

I rubbed my forehead, "Kathy, if Peg wanted to be forgiven and move on, we could have done it by now. It's taking everything I have to keep pushing us forward, and we still wake up in the same place the next day. It feels all too similar to what we lived before the launch."

Kathy was concerned. She greyed a little thinking of a way to prove me wrong and get me out of my funk, "Gary are you fucking her up one wall and down the next? Are you making love to her at all? Are you allowing her to do any of those things for you that a guilt-ridden wife wants so desperately to do for her love? Gary, this isn't all on Peggy. It's okay to admit you're still wounded. You got handed a huge number of really bad breaks, you've been magnificent handling them, but even you can't heal completely that fast. Even you can become a little gun shy. You just have to decide a few things. Is your reticence based in knowing she can hurt you, because she did? Are you are simply protecting yourself until she gains more of your confidence, or are you so disenchanted with her that you're done with the relationship?

"You can stand to not work for a little while. You've shown me your day trading, you have a little money in the bank. You can kick back somewhere relaxing, even a romantic spot. When you're ready, you can hit the restart button on your life, relationship, and marriage."

Kathy's eyes narrowed seeing me think through and reject each of her suggestions. They all had merit; it wasn't the right time for them yet.

"Look, once you pronounce sentence either good or bad, both your lives get a lot less complicated."

"My trial isn't over yet."

"Gary, listen to me. Right now, your life is only as complicated as you let it be. The tumblers are all set for you to move forward again. There's no angst about making a decision, your last job's probably gone, and your old marriage is sort of gone too. Who's your best friend? Who's your mate? Who do you want at your side the most? All you have to do is be honest with yourself. Your supporting cast is ready willing and able to go with you no matter what direction you choose."

I don't know how Kathy kept herself from terminal frustration dealing with me. Her eyes squinted like x-rays, trying to look inside me for what to say to cure me of my affliction.

"Gary, if you choose Peg, I'm happy for you. I'll move on emotionally. But you, my friend, have a sampler platter laid out for you. You can try, I mean really try life with me, as Peg would take you back in a heartbeat if you then decide she's the winner. We could live together for a while; hell Peg owes you a year. That's all you would have to say ... to either of us. See how ready I am to compromise my ethics for a shot at your heart?

"Now that she's doing better you could try Peggy again, the path back to me won't necessarily be open for you later, but I may very well still be there for you. While I have no one else in mind for the position of mate, I won't just wait around if you choose her, however.

"I'll never root against you, Gary. I haven't poisoned the well, and I've been perfectly honest with you. If I was only a surrogate until your real best friend got over her "illness" I'd still feel good about it. As for me, you'll still be my best friend until I find the one that is meant to be my mate as well. That won't happen overnight, well, unless it turns out to be you."

Kathy scowled looking into my coffee cup. It really was hard to figure out if it was half empty or half full. She didn't like the parallel. She put her hand on my shoulder in an act of sympathy.

"I've offered a physical side to our friendship, not taking me up on it has made me want it more. Who knows, maybe that's Peg's sentence: she keeps you physically as a husband and I keep you as best friend. I'd have thought that the least likely scenario, but who knows. You have a lot of opportunities, Gary. I sure hope I've made your choices fun.

"But Gary, my deep, true, and best friend, you need to make a decision here shortly for your own good. Limbo's killing you! Even if it's the wrong decision make one and give yourself to it. Try your best to make it work and if it fails walk away knowing you took your best shot. Who knows, if you decide that was not the best path, maybe the other choice might still be there. Though you can't be thinking that and make your first decision work."

Kathy looked morose, then suddenly like the cat that ate the canary. She took the hand that was on my shoulder and wrapped her am around my neck as she stood behind me, she bent and nipped at my ear whispering, "I hope I haunt your dreams regardless of what you decide."

Kathy stood flashing me the most sincerely wicked smile I have ever been witness to.

* * * * *

Making the Best Worst Decision Ever

Gary

Not having a job with any sort of demands or requirement I made my own schedule. I knew damn well I should take the time to line up my next job. But like my marriage my former job was what I wanted. I didn't want things to go to hell. I found it hard to give up on what loved. I kept hoping. Besides I wasn't the one who messed up either my job or my marriage so why was it on me to cut out a portion of my heart in response?

I'd started day traded and was pretty good. I was in the black though not making enough to survive, yet, if my primary stream of income was shut off.

I bounced around trying to push our stuck marriage forward as far as I could, until I simply had to get away. I often ended up at Kathy's place. My visits there were fully sanctioned by my wife. Peggy didn't know how Kathy felt about me, nor that Kathy would proposition me from time to time. She did know Kathy was her advocate much of the time.

Perhaps I should feel bad for being less than honest. I wasn't slipping up with Kathy anymore. I knew what I'd done didn't come close to what Peggy had done, not that two wrongs make a right. I just thought things were still so unbalanced that if Peggy had copped an attitude, it probably would have been all I needed to finally walk.

So here I was, yet another time in Kathy's kitchen with yet another cup of Kathy's coffee in my hand. The wonderful woman had gone out and gotten me my own mug that she kept at her place for my visits. She had a fine sense of irony: it was an extra-large NASA mug. She quipped it was only ever half full for me. At least she never filled it with Tang.

I was stuck again. Kathy would try to push my buttons. Any button. Ones that would lead to reconciliation as well as ones that would lead to divorce. She honestly cared for me and was convinced I shouldn't live in the state I was living. Kathy would do a take on "how do I love thee let me count the ways" but it was how many ways Peggy had screwed me over. She would enumerate a number of them trying to sound ridiculous, only to point out what I had already overcome and how I needed to kick myself in the ass to get going, because what I had ahead was nowhere near as bad as what I'd already endured.

"Yes Gary, you're going through a lot: getting cut off, cut back, cut to shreds, made to endure, no fun, all worry, and it turns out you were right to expect it. On top of all of that, Peggy made that terrible mistake upon her return, making your worst fears come true.

"You weren't overreacting; you knew her well. At least her physicals are good, it's not like her eggs got cooked. And you weren't finished being right. Now on top of everything else, you said she would be crushed, and you'd have to deal with that. Yep, not fair.

"Gary, you made sure her dream happened. However, it's clear her dream has been your nightmare."

I turned to look at Kathy as she paced her kitchen, "What would you have me do, Kath? I would've loved a sex surrogate to at least get my rocks off, take away the edge that cut into everything. But I couldn't do it because it has to go both ways. If Peg was balling those Russians to take her edge off, it would've killed me."

Kathy stopped and looked at me, she looked for any opportunity to reach me and push me out of my all too often malaise. "But you did it all the right way: played by the strict rules, endured it all, turned down a willing sex surrogate, and Peggy did ... "ball a Russian.""

I nodded slowly, "Yes, if there's a regret it's very large, yet very general. I'm going to look back and say I took a year off from sex in the prime of my life and for nothing. I like sex a lot, it's one of my favorite things. I can say I have the will to go without, I like that. Being honest though, I would rather say I got laid thrice a day over that period. I'd be even more proud of that.

"I feel like a chump, like I got played, like I was the good guy and got kicked in the teeth for my trouble. But it's done. Yes, I harbor resentment and anger over it, but I'm a practical man and it's done. I just wish it had accomplished something: not just the main goal, but any goal at this point. I don't think playing it honest did a damn thing. All that ... for nothing."

Kathy didn't tell me at the time, but it had accomplished a number of things: it made her panties damp, a lot, and gave her inappropriate spank material imagining her relieving my pent-up frustration. It seemed to accomplish that several times some nights. However, she wasn't sure if I knew that I would take much solace from the knowledge.