Splashdown Ch. 08

Hello again. We're closing in on the end. This chapter has a lot of dialog. It also has heart rending guilt, at least if I wrote it correctly. but it's not gratuitous. Everything you need for the eventual outcome is here. But for those of you who don't like those things eject now! Save yourselves! Each time a thing is brought up if there's a slight difference its for a reason. in my experience thats exactly how the onion is unpeeled.

One last quick note. Dialog for me is showing not telling. People say what they mean, what they hope for, or what they want you to think. but they are often saying something other than they think they are. When a character says some thing don't see it as them telling you what is what. At least in this little drama they haven't figured it out yet themselves.

The quote used for the teaser is from "When You Wish Upon A Star" by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington

Well, let's get to it.

Splashdown Chapter Eight

It had been a long week. Peggy had been debriefed, poked, and prodded, this time as part of lab tests not sexually. They sped up her medical tests because of what happened, and flew her home, releasing her to me, swearing to keep the incident in Kazakhstan on an extremely limited need to know basis. They insisted they drive her home from the space center, probably worried about a scene. I showed up anyway. I admit my eyes welled when I finally saw her. She was cringing awaiting me, but when she saw my face, hers flashed astonishment then flared with relief. She ran to me, and we practically repeated our farewell hug from over six months ago. I happily escorted her out a side gate to where my car was parked.

We kept things light until we got home. I honestly gushed over her trip which blew her away. Once home and inside Peggy melted when I hugged her again. In fact, she cried. She hadn't been sure I would meet her, accept her, talk to her, or let her come home. Realizing my desire was to hug her tightly sent her reeling.

I was relieved when she told me she had already signed up for counseling because of what had happened in "quarantine". I felt the emphasis must be on treatment for her rape. Just as I told Kathy though, Peggy wasn't willing to absolve herself from fooling around with Alexi. I thought that spoke well of her, and had a theory about it, but I still felt that when the emphasis turned back to us as a couple it should be on what she did to us before the launch, not the adultery after she landed.

I feared Peggy would see me as childishly transferring my anger to an area where she was still responsible, instead of letting her off the hook for her later transgression which she viewed as being far worse.

I was worried sick and trying not to show it. With one sentence Peg could confirm to me I had no more meaning to her than stepping on chewed gum in good shoes. Instead Peggy performed a miracle.

Her hands clasped mine in a death grip, "Gary, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your being here. I can't get over that you are really being so incredibly supportive, generous, and thus far forgiving concerning my ... adultery."

We made our way to the family room. Peggy was gazing deep into my eyes, still clasping my hands as she sat beside me. She was putting everything she had into holding off her sorrow and delivering the message.

"Yes, Gary, I am thankful for it, incredibly so. But baby, I don't think it's wise to give me a free pass on this one." Peggy realized she had used a euphemism for cheating with a spouse's approval. She quickly shook her head "no" and asked, "You know what I meant, right?"

"Yes dear." I was proud of her. It seems I always found something that made me proud of her. I hoped my countenance was reassuring to her, I felt reassured myself.

"Gary, I want to apologize up front for two things. First for actually, you know, having something to apologize for: and for killing you again with the details." Peggy was literally shaking with sorrow and shame. She waited only a moment before trying to explain herself to me.

Peggy looked like she might throw up as she started, "I like sex Gary. And I ... really liked what happened when it was happening." She looked away flinching, "It had been so long since I was capable of feeling anything like sexual stimulation, and I was supercharged for it."

"More precisely chemically altered," I added defending her. She was being honest, I wanted to reward her, though this conversation had already crash-landed miles from what I thought was the intended landing spot.

She nodded while tossing defense aside, "Yes Gary, on top of a horn dog libido to start with. But Gary, you know I can't just have sex with no pretense, or thought I couldn't. I may like sex a lot, but I've always needed rapport with my ... partner. I'm very social. I wouldn't be able to function very long as the only person in Antarctica, I need people. I realize the sex thing is a whole new level of the same personality trait."

I had no idea how to respond or where this was leading. I had no choice but to let Peggy handle this as she saw fit.

"Gary, you were always so good to me, we grew so close, the physical side just made it all more so. I think that's why I chose, without meaning to, one of the guys up there and sort of made him my friend and confidant. That connection was then transferred to the physical side when they drugged me and put my kettle fully on the boil."

My eyebrows raised. I made a concerted effort to keep my voice calm and level, "So, it's my fault for loving you and being good in the sack? I set a precedent in loving you, and in so doing drew up a blueprint for others to follow?" I was losing my calm. Surely, that isn't what she meant.

Peggy's eyes clenched shut for a moment. I was too raw. She had so much to explain, she couldn't deliver it fast enough to reach the crux before setting me off. She was in there fighting though, her eyes popped open, and she took my fusillade to earn continuance afterward.

"That isn't what I intended, Gary. However, in some ways it fits ..."

I jumped in, "So, Peggy, if I'm stranded on a desert island for a couple months before rescue can arrive, even though you know I will be rescued, you'll have to become really good friends with the neighbor to tide you over emotionally? And that friendship makes you susceptible to starting a physical relationship with him as the next step?"

She didn't have an answer for a long time. "I-I can see where the stream of reasoning would take you there. But I believe knowing I have this issue means I can head it off. I could talk to others, my family for example, and have my emotional needs taken care of. If I'm the one at home instead of "incarcerated" as you once called it someplace else, I could take care of the physical stuff all by myself."

I nodded not wanting to speak. Holy shit in some capacity she was agreeing with my ridiculous analogy! This just pissed me off. I knew I had to hear what she said so I kept my trap shut and listened.

Peggy looked at me sadly, she spoke with great emotion, "Baby, I know it seems like you were punished for being a good husband and lover. I-I haven't thought my way clear of that yet. I mean if you didn't care so much, you wouldn't have been as hurt. I know you mean something else, but that's the other side of the coin, and it's also true."

Peggy pushed her hair back frustrated she wasn't explaining herself better, desperately seeking the best way to discuss her behavior with me. "Honey, I don't mean it's true that it's your fault, but rather true I let you down: that much is undeniable. It's terrible. I'm not trying to deny it or escape it. I hate what I've done, it was wrong no matter how you look at it. I'll do anything you tell me to help you. I'm praying you'll be able to keep me somehow."

Her lips pulled back from her teeth and her brow furrowed as she gathered herself to sally forth. Clearly, she hated being in this position. She'd failed as well as failed me. Peggy was determined she wouldn't fail me now.

"I can tell you the rest now, Gary. I wanted to be upfront and honest with you first. I hate that I've so twisted our world that being completely honest with you may have been the wrong move. What I'll tell you will mitigate what happened; mitigate not absolve. I just don't want you to think that I felt I was off the hook. I don't think anything is alleviated, just some of it toned down a little. Perhaps all the tumblers were there for me to fall, perhaps I was manipulated, but I still did the falling. I alone. But taking your love and compassion now when I have information that may take those emotions away from me, is taking advantage of you all over again!"

Peggy looked at the floor, her shoulders found a lower position of sagging.

"NASA investigators found strange payments to one of our doctors. My doctor. I guess I'm an official case file now."

Peggy tried to hold back tears, she understood if they were investigating, that my agency would find a way to see the file, meaning my bosses and the co-workers assigned to check it out would know she had cheated on me. I could see her working through how their knowing would make me feel. Would the shame she just heaped on me outweigh that she had been set up to fail?

Absolutely heartbroken yet determined to say what she felt she must she choked out, "Then again, Gary, isn't that what you were saying the very night I told you I had already taken the injectable?"

I thought that was a bold admission. As angry as I was, I just couldn't hold in the frustration and humiliation completely anymore, especially when we were dredging it all up. So, I was happy at how she was approaching matters. It gave me an offset.

Peggy's eyes drifted all over the ceiling daring not look at me, her neck was strained as if she was lifting some heavy object. She tried so hard not to cry as she choked out what she hoped would be the best news, "At least with the knowledge I was duped and not complicit, you'll get your job back, right?"

I actually tried to be gentle with the truth.

"No Peggy, that's probably gone. As far as they were concerned, I opened them up to compromise. If I'd left you before you went up, if I'd burned you and the Russians, then it's different; that would have sent the message that this tactic of intimidation didn't work and there was no point for the bad guys to try it again in the future. This may not have worked as the bad guys hoped, but Peg, it did work. There's no denying that."

"But you did nothing wrong!" I found it perversely amusing that Peggy was apoplectic someone else could treat me as callously as she had.

"Peg, I didn't divorce you because I loved you, even though I found and saw the threat."

"But Gary, I didn't listen well enough! I could've snuck birth control pills up there; it would've been easy. I was convinced I was on stronger stuff. It worked too well; it took me out of your arms. I thought double medication would have caused some reaction that couldn't be treated up there so I opted for a completely different medication. I didn't listen to you! It's my fault."

I didn't confirm her words, there was no point. I'm not cruel.

I kept a soft voice as I laid it out for her, "Peg, I couldn't convince my own wife to do something basic to support me; that's the way the agency sees it. And I didn't leave you, so I opened the agency up to unfavorable press and future attempts of this type by the bad guys. I have a body of positive work with them, but they don't believe in coincidences; they don't have that luxury."

"What are you saying, they think you are an enemy agent?"

"No. They think I'm either incompetent or weak. They know I'm not incompetent."

Her eyes filled with incredulity, "So, you believe you're weak?" Peggy was angry anyone would accuse me of that, especially myself. She was fearful she had caused me to see myself that way.

I shook my head, "Peggy, as all this started, I held a mirror up asking you to look in it honestly, and you refused. You knew what the mirror would show. You didn't heed any warning, and here we are. To my employer I chose you over them and the job. That's true. But to us ... my failure in getting you to realistically look at the problem consigned you to be chemically raped. That's the guilt I carry. Your feeling terrible and guilty is partly my fault because I couldn't convince you."

Peggy was as shocked as if I had suddenly thrown a glass of water in her face. She passionately responded, "But I didn't listen!"

"Exactly."

Peg sagged back, the passion flowing out of her, "So, what does that mean?" She looked down, "Most men would walk if they saw their wife being seduced, warned her, and she refused to back away from the seducer. Gary, I wasn't being seduced by Alexi then, I'm not sure I ever did get seduced. My lust and his eager availability were a toxic combination."

"I know. Peg, you were raped by the Russians. You were seduced by the space program. It was the rocket, it was the flight, the mission, the goal, the very thing you wanted all your life. You couldn't say no to that or even be objective about it. It was your whole life.

"That last is a mitigating factor. If the choice was me and I'd been in your life first, and other guys came along later and you decided to try one on for size, then your decision to try one would be damning. In this case the other guy was a space flight, and it was in your life way before I was. The Russians just rode its coattails, or its contrails, or whatever. There was deception and manipulation, you were drugged, and anti-drugged in so far as they also kept medication out of your reach that would've helped you. So, choosing the only swinging dick around is all too easy to understand."

Peggy looked at me incredulously. She made a point of studying my facial and body language. Was it possible I wasn't ready to leave her over screwing Alexi? I think she saw I didn't think it was the same crime she thought it was. She also saw there were other issues more important to me. When she went from amazed to concerned and finally met my eyes, I answered her unspoken question.

"But much earlier, you still chose, and did so as soon as you were asked, to take the chemical over me. It's obvious where I stood because you not only chose without hesitation, you chose to not even discuss it with me."

"But I took it before you warned me."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically causing her to look away for a moment, "I hadn't warned you specifically about specifics I knew nothing about yet. All my many and frequent general warnings should have sounded as loud as claxons by then."

Peggy nodded, that was a dishonest misstep on her part, and she knew it. I continued, "Peg, you chose what you wanted, you wanted it more than me."

She looked down, "So, what does that mean?"

"That I failed. The mirror works for me as well and it tells no lies. It tells me I failed."

Peg's head snapped back up with eyes wide at my conclusion. She stammered out, "W-What does it say about me, Gary?" Peggy didn't like the turn the conversation had taken.

"That space was your first love and at least at that moment you didn't love me enough to jeopardize your trip. Peggy, this wasn't a case of cheating ON me. It was a case of not cheating WITH me against your first and true love: the space program."

"Oh Gary, you don't believe that!" Watching me she exclaimed, "You DO!"

"Of course, I do, you still aren't looking in the mirror. Peg, you need to admit the honesty of your snap decision, and so do I."

"But it will always be a stain on our love."

"Yes, it will, but maybe you can grow to love me more."

Now Peggy looked both shocked and hopeful, much like I had opened a door she prayed would be opened.

"I have already, Gary! You've stuck with me through all this, all the slights. I don't even know what to call this last one, a fall, an affair, a lost weekend? No matter how I try to cope with it I can't get that stain off me. Now you tell me that I don't love you as much as my career, and that I cheated you both then AND with Alexi. Dear God, Gary, in that scenario you lose coming and going. That's not a stain of indelible ink, Gary, that's a damn tattoo! How can I ever be clean enough to keep you? How do I get clean at all?"

"Here's the thing Peg, for us to be together you don't have to remove that tattoo. I'm not sure it's visible all the time. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out."

Peggy went green that I agreed with her tattoo assessment.

"Gary, I want, I need you to believe that I love you more than anything. I want you to know that I do have your back, and I'm your best friend and that I am true, and not soiled."

"Then baby, stop wanting to be those things and just be them. I told you I'm weak - for you. I want you to succeed. I want you to make me happy the rest of my life. This mess did happen, every bit of it. I don't want to live in that year anymore or its shadow. I want New Years to come and change the scenery. So, you say you want to be devoted to me or are devoted to me: great, just live that."

"And you can do that Gary, love me and want me with all this baggage?"

"Peg, I really don't think you wanted to ... cheat. I think you really wanted to go on the mission. Here's what will hurt me: I know the mission that you trained for all your life was more important to you than me. But I'm a practical man, Peg. The mission is over. So theoretically, I'm now the most important thing in your life."

Peggy sat back hard. She shook her head. Although the conversation had gone better than she hoped, there were lots of new things for her to consider. "Could you give me a moment to process some of this, Gary? I'm not trying to put you off, I'm really trying hard to get us on the same page."

I nodded. I watched her hash it out. I loved watching her gears work. The sudden understanding of how I saw her priorities shocked Peggy. The space flight had been right in front of us looming tall, so she made it the priority, which she believed to be temporary. But I saw her placing the space program above me perpetually. It had only affected us because of her impending flight which forced her hand and made her prioritize, which I saw as choosing.

Then she placed too much confidence in the authority of a bureaucrat making a snap decision when it wasn't needed. She knew I would never trust a bureaucrat and would only make a snap decision in an emergency. Peggy thought she had simply made a tragic mistake with terrible and far-reaching consequences. Viewing the world now as she knew her husband did, Peggy had to confront the reality that I didn't buy that. Instead, I thought she understood the most important consequences, that they were more severe for me than her, and still chose them anyway. It dawned on her that she hadn't made a snap decision as much as her mind having already been made up and long before.

For a quick second her eyes large and fearful shot up at me. I was still calm letting her sort it through. Her eyes darted away.

She also knew I'd proven I'd never place career or even vocation over her. If Peg felt she was hanging over a cliff on the other objections, clearly, she'd jumped off the cliff on this one. There was no hiding, polishing, or dressing up the situation that could show a different perspective: she chose her career over me. Worse she saw that I was out of a vocation because I placed my wife over my career.

It seemed to her I had passed a test and been made to suffer for it. On the other hand, she had failed a test and I had been made to suffer for that too.

Peg's eyes darted back up to me wider than the last time. She didn't like the conclusions she was coming to. The mitigation of the Russian involvement, even Alexi's direct involvement didn't touch these aspects. Which meant the problem she thought she was facing was different and much worse than she'd thought. In her husband's eyes her behavior before liftoff and after landing were not separate issues at all, with one deserving the lion's share of energy. There was one huge elephant in the room instead of one little one and one big one. This wasn't about our getting past her time with Alexi when she was drugged. Everything that had happened since, all the particulars, were only byproducts of the original decision she made against me months before the launch.