Splashdown Ch. 08

"At first, I didn't notice, but I became aware, then keenly aware, then on edge that all three men wanted me. They talked, I'm sure they talked, about taking their shots at me. I've never heard of this going on up there.

"They seemed to reach some agreement. No one wanted to revert to a cave man while serving in a supposed high point of human technology. Having the guys fight over the ovulating woman on the space station is a depressing commentary on the ability of our species to evolve.

"Yeah." She looked down, "Alexi. He and I got on the best. And, uh, I did know the, er, basic caveman qualifications of all three. Zero gravity gives erections a head start. And well ..." she cried, "I-I failed you."

"I failed you all. I let you down. I didn't DO anything. Not yet, though it's impossible for me to not connect the beginning of the path and where it led. Matters got worse, much worse. I was mortified. I tried to not give off the signals, but we were on top of each other. We had to seal off a compartment to let me wash up more, and then you could smell aroused female all through the station. The men were hungry for a woman and there was no way to get away.

"Finally, we all talked about it. We changed the work schedule as much as possible. I worked a separate shift and on one side of the station and they the other. But it's like being in a weird Winnebago: there just isn't that far to go.

"We were all on edge. I tried to hold out. I tried; I swear I tried. But the sexual tension was always there. I was drowning in it. I didn't want it, I didn't want them, they were just there and so was my desire, my lust, not for them just for sex.

"Alexi would be the one to comfort me. I-It was about once a week. Time feels different up there. He helped me make it through to where I regained composure. He didn't touch me sexually. He might hug me. I almost made it; I thought I'd I timed it right. I left the station! I'd done it! I hadn't succumbed. Now it was just a matter of waiting out the trip home to you.

"Then two strange things happened. First Alexi came down with me. That hadn't been the plan. One of the other men was scheduled to come back. No, it doesn't make sense to send a different cosmonaut back. Maybe they'd gone up at the same time. I just knew they couldn't send a lone American down in a Soviet space craft, sorry, Russian. Still, they didn't tell me about the change until we were loading in to come back.

"Second, they didn't send me back to American hands. Hell, if our docs didn't have something to take the edge off of what I was feeling I could either have privacy to masturbate or maybe even take tranquilizers. But I was still in Russian hands. And my phone was dead. Suspiciously, I didn't get a power adaptor. They said we were in quarantine and couldn't get one to me until days after Alexi had gone down with me." She blushed furiously at her poor choice of words.

"Our location was secluded, I guess that makes sense for a quarantine. They made the quarantine sound like it meant no other Russians around, I would just wait with Alexi until the Americans showed up to take me home. There was nothing to do and this pretty scenery and only Alexi and I there.

"We'd landed, the medical staff checked us gave us some vitamin injections and lots of water. Then they drove us back though a little town and by a large military base, all of which made sense for a Soyuz landing spot. They explained I'd be picked up by the American doctors shortly who'd been delayed. I couldn't wait. I was exhausted by full gravity and the sexual urges became tremendous. Everything seemed sexy and erotic.

"Alexi and I were in an empty but well-kept cottage a few miles outside of the base. Yes, that seemed like a set up. And Alexi was pushing it, the sexual situation that is. And I was pushing back ... t-the good way that is."

Peg blushed crimson. I could see her lips silently form the words cursing herself.

"I was sure I could make it. I'd overcome the first unexpected hurdle of not being turned over to our people, then the second of being quarantined with Alexi. Then came the delay being picked up by our people. I wasn't told until late in the day I wouldn't be picked up. They told me our folks were still delayed the next morning. That day was agonizing. I thought it would only be an hour or so, it became hour after hour. Then they told me our people wouldn't make it that day at all. I thought I'd made it only to have the rug pulled out. The next day they told me it would be days before I was picked up. With that all my hope ripped away."

Peg teared up, shame and imploring warred for control of her features.

"With that news, I was done. I'd made it farther than I had thought I could already. I broke ... I broke. I just sobbed. I shook. I'm proud, so I hated that I broke! But not as much as I hate having to tell you."

Peg took a few moments when she restarted, she was more determined and grim, "It seemed Alexi had won the pool with his fellow cosmonauts: if one of them was going to ... have me, he would be the one. That time was now. When I said he comforted me up there I'm not talking sex. He would just shoosh me and sometimes put an arm around me, there are so many cameras even that was tough to do. Never, not once, did I fail to complete an assignment. The work gave me something to concentrate on. I took on more basic station maintenance chores. It was when I was done, that I was finished."

"To head off a question you must be ready to ask, did I see any of the guys as heir apparent to my sexual favors? I didn't want any of them to enjoy that, er, me. But if it happened, I knew I was ... oh hell this will sound terrible and paint the wrong picture. Except considering what happened, I deserve to look like a damn slut. I mean I am, or I was."

An expression of bitterness I'd never seen washed across Peggy's face. Her eyes were fierce.

"Oh, that's fucking wonderful. I'm a woman so flagrant in my wanton sexuality that I must determine the actual level of my slut status."

Peggy shook her head ruefully, "I didn't pick a favorite, Gary. I didn't think about which one I wanted. Though in no way anticipatory, I fearfully presumed if I fell that it would be Alexi who reaped the spoils."

"Back on earth we had a radio to talk to the space station to debrief or whatever needed doing, a direct line from us to the ISS. I found out after I fell, that Alexi turned it on at least once. By then I'd stopped trying to be quiet. The bastard turned on the radio so the other guys could hear us. No, so they could hear me. I'm all but sure they relieved themselves to my... sounds."

Peggy ground her teeth trying to cut past her and shame to say what came next, "Gary, there is surely a recording of your wife in heat in the throes of passionate release.

"I cannot express the degree of my shame in this matter, I simply don't have the vocabulary. All words sound trite in comparison to what I feel. I know what it feels like to be an addict. The urge was stronger than I was. It crushed me several times. Its memory still crushes me. Telling you crushes me. My having to tell you crushes me. Think up whatever level and circumstance you want; I am crushed there.

She fought tears and locked her teeth to continue, "I apologize to you. I apologize that you had to live through what happened then, and because of what you are hearing now. I'm sorry your wife did these things. I'm sorry I wasn't up to the challenge. I'm sorry I wasn't faithful. But I'm most sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry to cause you pain. It's more devastating to me to disappoint you, than to having my own will broken.

"Four times. It was four times. There were no round twos, Gary. No blowjobs, we didn't share sleeping arrangements. No cuddling. No smiles or camaraderie during or after ... sex. It was pretty loud and felt very dirty. And was explosive. But four shots. That's it. The last two probably with the other guys listening."

My wife got very quiet.

"I really wish I hadn't used the word camaraderie. Too much like comrade. This damn thing just keeps finding new ways to kick me in the teeth. And yes, I know who I'm talking to when I say that. I know how you must have suffered. You saw all of this happening before it did. All of it! If you want to tell me, "I told you so" it will grind me into the ground, though I deserve it. I've been ground down already. I will again before this gets better. I would really like to give you some way to vent off some of what has happened to you. Telling me off would be the least of those ways.

"Gary, please know I understand this is on me. I deserve to be ground into dust for embarrassing my family. I'm thinking of my folks, my friends, my country, myself, but most poignantly and importantly to me: for embarrassing you. All the people I mentioned will be upset for me. They are concerned for a daughter or a friend that failed. And I did fail, but I failed you most personally. I didn't just fail you, I did you dirty!

"Especially as you foresaw this, it has to be worse. You had to just sit there and wait for the dominoes to fall and take each on the chin, or maybe lower. I don't know how badly you feel. I want you to tell me, I need to take care of you. I sure didn't before. I don't know if doing so after the fact, when you spent so much energy trying to keep me from doing it in the first place, has any value to you."

Peggy was wound up. I tried several times to get a word in edge wise. I soon saw that though this was an explanation and apology to me it was Peggy venting off some of the horror and guilt she had been immersed in. I let her go. Strangely thought he details killed me I rooted her on. She needed this. Go Peggy, go!

"Please don't worry about sparing my feelings, Gary. Be direct and honest." Peggy paused to change directions, "I know you'll hate this last part, believe me I understand the pride aspect, but you're going to need some things. Whether from me or not, I understand. I hate what I might have to endure, but Gary, I will endure anything for you. You may not believe that because of how focused I was on the flight. So please let me prove my worth and sincerity. Only you can assign my worth now."

Wow, I didn't like that one. I was really going to have to think that one out.

Peg looked away. "One thing you need from me is sincerity. I'd like to tell you some more ... about my fall. I know it hurts; it seems to burn in my veins. My heart breaks for you. I pray I haven't destroyed your heart entirely."

Peggy waited until I nodded for her to continue. I wasn't trying to be a son of a bitch, I needed her debrief, only after would I know what I had to handle between us.

"After that first time, a-and second: I fell twice in one day, though many hours apart, a-about ten hours apart. I was miserable. I'm sorry to have to tell you all this: I wanted a second almost from the time the first ended. The second time lasted... a while. Well, all the later ones did. It's not like I bent over and he came in thirty seconds. He would pull out before he came, and no matter how many times I had ... I still wanted more. Once he came it threw some sort of switch in my head and I could stop myself and stop him. I didn't lie when I said no round twos. I'm about to explain that."

"I never kissed him. I never, damn, sucked him back to life. I never sucked him at all. There was no anal. He never came on me.

"Baby, a man should never hear his wife utter these words. I was insatiable until he came. I don't think that was a drug thing. Apparently, it's a switch inside my own psyche. I never thought I would use words like this to describe myself. It must be worse hearing these awful words describe your wife."

Peg sighed heavily, "I was ... a desperate cum-slut. Once I got the cum, shit, what should I call it? The ejaculate? Once I had it, I could think again. Then I pushed him out, curled up and cried. Then I washed, and washed, and cried and cried. But later the urge would be back. I cried and fought until I fell and repeated it all over again.

"This next fact isn't good: it doesn't mitigate a thing. I personally think it's worse than all the other variations. But it does paint the picture that I was desperate for something in particular. And that I was not in it for fun, not for sexual pleasure, and certainly not any sort of relationship. I've thought, and thought, and thought, about this.

"It seemed entirely procreative. I wanted to be ... inseminated." Peg's face just fractured, "I needed, NEEDED every bit, every single sperm he ... a man, could put in me. And it had to be ... IN me."

That Peggy was so convinced this had some sort of deep psychological trigger convinced me she was right. I would have to mull that later. I sighed, I wanted to hear this once and never again. But there was some sort of key in this particular sensation she was making sure I knew about.

Peggy grew very quiet, "I'm not pregnant. The irony that you and I had almost this same conversation when I took the first injectable is not lost on me. No, I haven't had any pregnancy termination procedure, not even ... wait! I did swallow a number of "day after" pills as soon as I reported being used, when back in American hands, but I never tested positive in any way. Those were an extra prophylactic. More to salve my soul than treat a physical condition."

Peggy stopped speaking, looking at me with a look of sorrow I've rarely seen, normally when my team apprehended some truly despicable charlatan, who knew he was headed for a noose.

"Okay. Okay Gary, I-I think this will be the worst for you." Sympathy, sorrow, and guilt poured from her.

"So, uh, until Alexi came ... wait do you want me to call him something degrative, an epitaph or pejorative, like "asshat" or something? I kinda hate calling him by name. I think women just use first names because we do the interpersonal thing more than men. Men are normally more interested in occupation or purpose. Garbageman, cop, doctor, even..." she hung her head, "... astronaut. Accordingly, guys will call the person by their title.

"It keenly occurs to me that using his name indicates a rapport, which I assure you does not exist. I want to be very clear about that. This is a man who has ... deposited sperm ... in me, made me writhe humiliatingly, and put me in degrading situations. It's been termed rape, even by you, because I was drugged and not thinking properly. I remember having a great need and wanting it satisfied. That, however, is a separate subject.

"I need you to know that I do NOT think fondly of any of it. There was no intimacy. I do not consider him a friend. I do not think of him fondly, even less so since the ... copulation. To be broken over base animal needs is nothing short of humiliating. To have to tell you, to have to face what I've done, is a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. I had to deal with most of what happened then. What it feels like now is what I've done TO you!"

Peggy was in a seizure of sorrow. Seeing me reach for her she leapt wrapping her arms around me sobbing. I held her. It was simply humane. I was certain she didn't want what happened. I still saw it as rape, though I said silent prayers of thanks she was not traumatized seeing it that way; that she didn't was a blessing of the first order.

When Peggy slowly pushed away from me, she took a chance glancing into my eyes and saw I wasn't currently that angry, and not at her. She couldn't help large choking sobs of joy. She controlled them quickly and softly pushed herself back to a better position to explain what had happened. Or as she saw it, to confess what she'd done. Slowly, deliberately, and with a great aura of loss, she looked at our now disconnected arms.

"Okay. Okay, so we've reached the crux. You won't want to touch me as I tell you the worst. I can't bear to actually feel you ... stop loving me." She took a huge breath and held it, "I'm so sorry. Please just understand that I never even knew I was succumbing. There was a certain mental numbness by then. Fully awakening to what I had done was horrible, but not as much hurting you with it. But Gary, you have to hear it. If I truly have a chance at your forgiveness, you must know about it. To find out later would undermine everything we build to that point.

"I can't look at you I'm so ashamed. I've never been close to this ashamed. I fear telling you this more than telling God almighty. God has infinite capacity to forgive. I fear I'm about to push you too far: that I may break you somehow. I know you'll never be bent or fall like I was bent and fell, but I fear really hurting you further, twisting you with lasting damage. I can't escape that you hurt so badly because you love me. Now to find out what a ... slut I was. You're going to be hurt by the betrayal, though I actually fear you'll hurt more for me." Peggy looked back pointedly at me, "I was a slut Gary: a literal mindless slut. There's simply no more appropriate term.

"I was an animal in heat, and needed to be, forgive me Gary ... bred. I just HAD to have him, any him, there was nothing special about Ale... the man I was with; after I broke, I would have fucked any guy. It's horrible: once I got going, I honestly believe I would have allowed some sort of bestiality if it was presented: I was animal too!

"I don't think there are video tapes, but there must be audio tapes. Thank God Alexi isn't that cruel. Was he making an example of me? Yeah, there was that sort of mechanized feel to it after a while. I got the idea he wasn't enjoying it all the time, not that I cared. I don't know why he would make a mark of me. Maybe in Russia he's a stud? Maybe he thinks he is? He wasn't bad, he knew his way around a woman, but their porn stars would laugh at him. You know?

"We didn't do anything new, nothing you and I haven't done thousands of times. We didn't do that much really. He was just ... fucking me.

"I said there were no seconds. That's true, but he would pull out and wait to calm himself, elongating the initial coupling. During those breaks he tried to tease me and work me into a lather. He wanted to manipulate me, I stopped that the very first time. As I wanted to be fucked and very badly, I'm not sure where the manipulation was headed. It was superfluous.

"If he was ... having me I let him rub my clit. Gary, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I couldn't stop him then. But I didn't allow that in between." Peg suddenly seemed heartbroken, "But I-I did it myself though. And h-he told me what to do and I," she looked away, "I normally did it: touching myself a certain way. I thought I was denying him, but I guess I was just so depraved I was just doing the work for him.

"When he felt he could go for a while without cumming, he would have me again. Gary, I complied instantly at those times. I'm sorry, baby. If he told me to bend over a chair, I practically raced to the chair to do so. We used all the furniture in the cottage ... and we were in the field outside too."

I realized that was the source of the report that Peggy was "not there under duress". Our side was watching somehow and saw her outside eagerly screwing him. Shit, her behavior outside the cottage is in a report somewhere too. I'd never be able to get to all the footage to destroy it. If the observation was by satellite most people would not find the footage that enjoyable. Our orbital technology was great, but nothing compared to what current handheld cameras in the same room could produce. Good, I thought, at least my wife doesn't have a porn industry demo reel floating around out there.

Peggy's heartbroken voice brought me back to reality.

"I was an animal. If he told me to spread my legs wider, I did. I did until they shook. Most of what we did was me bent over or doggystyle, a lot of "ass up shoulders down". I was desperate to make him cum so that it would stop. He would tell me what to do in a less than harsh tone, he was almost trying to be playful, and I was very quick to respond ... to obey. I hoped to push some button of his so he finally ... filled me. That's when I could think and control myself again. Afterward he came I could think and kick him out. He figured that out, meaning no round twos, but prolonged round ones.