Stargazing - Complete Novella

"Bingo. But it doesn't feel good because that only makes people mad at you. So you try other things, but nothing works, and eventually you decide that negative attention is better than no attention at all."

"That's so sad!"

"It's heartbreaking. Unfortunately, it's a story we've all seen in our campers a few times."

"So how do you make things better for them?"

"Ah, that's the difficult part." Jess motioned to Blake and Anderson. "They've got a method that plays to their strengths as people, I do something different."

"But there is some commonality," Anderson said. "You have to treat her like a person, and not like she's a kid."

"What do you mean?"

"We all treat kids differently than if they were older," Jess answered. "Little things like changing our voices and putting a positive spin on everything. Telling them something is great when it actually sucks, things like that. It's hard to give somebody a dose of realism when you're thinking of them as a kid. So don't think about her like she's a kid you're punishing for breaking the rules. Think about her like she's a friend of yours."

I must have looked as confused as I felt, because Jess gave me an encouraging hug. "Don't worry, we'll help."

"Thanks," I murmured, trying to think of what I would say to Lilian if she were somebody in my dorm at school. Honestly, probably nothing. Confrontation was anxiety provoking.

But before I could think very far, voices drifted through the trees.

"I told you this was the right way!" Somebody called from back down the path.

"Lucky guess," a voice called back from deeper in the woods.

"We're down here, Tegan!" Jess called up to them.

Tegan was so small, I'd mistaken her for a camper the first time we met. She was the drama director, responsible for putting on the camp play and doing improv classes, and I couldn't think of anybody better suited to it. She was amazingly friendly, outgoing, and completely immune to embarrassment. She bounded down the slope at the head of a group that looked to be everybody we'd left behind in the parking lot, and pretty much threw herself into Blake's lap.

"You're going to offer me a hit of that, aren't you, love?"

Blake laughed. "Sorry, but I'm gonna have to charge ya the usual rate, and you're already deep behind your payments."

"And I keep telling you, you'll get your blowjobs as soon as you grow a cock." Tegan plucked the joint from between his lips, took a drag, and gave a contented sigh.

I raised an eyebrow and leaned to whisper to Jess, "he seems to have a history with a lot of girls."

"He wishes," Jess chuckled. "Unfortunately for him, Tegan doesn't share his giant-guy-tiny-girl fantasy."

We watched as Blake, without apparent effort, lifted off his lap Tegan and stood up, drawing everybody's attention. He made a speech about how everybody was welcome to take from their cooler, as long as they contributed alcohol to the communal supply at some point later in the summer. There was scattered laughter when he said they should try not to get too fucked up, which he stomped on. "Seriously guys, I know how much we all want to unwind after putting up with campers for a full week. But we still have to maintain appearances. They've taken away off nights before because of people being too drunk to work the next day, and I'll be damned if I lose out because of any of you." He leveled his gaze at the mostly younger group that hadn't taken him seriously, who seemed duly cowed.

"We usually don't stay here for very long," Jess told me conspiratorially. "Not to rush you or anything, but we usually chill and socialize for an hour or so, then..." her voice dropped slightly and her eyes momentarily flicked down to my lips, and then to my chest. "Well, then our night begins."

I straightened, presenting my chest out and feeling very happy about my bra choice. "Let me guess. You think surprising me will be suitable turnabout for teasing you before?"

"Yep! And it starts with a tantalizing question."

"Oh?"

She leaned into me and let her hand linger on my leg, and she whispered huskily in my ear. "How do you like toys in the bedroom?"

This girl! Just like that, she started my waterworks flowing. "I love them."

"Great!"

"Do you mean toys that go buzz or toys that go inside?"

Jess's fingers played along my leg seductively. "Do you like toys that go inside?"

"They're awesome!"

"Well then, you should know me well enough by now to know that 'both' is the only possible answer."

"Of course, how silly of me," I gave her a roll of my eyes.

We were joined on our log by a group lead by Madison who were chatting about who was going to do what at Campfire, the weekly event where people would get up and perform for the whole camp. Little skits, songs, stories, that kind of thing. Since the scene in the parking lot, Madison had changed out of her party outfit and brought a guitar with her. She flashed Blake a very dirty look as she sat down, that he was too caught up in trying to charm Tegan to notice, but which made Jess shift uncomfortably.

"I really wish you two would make up," Jess quietly told her.

Madison turned and, rather than the catty response I'd expected, she looked... almost sad for just a second. "I am sorry. To you, anyway. He and I -- uh --" she fidgeted, plucking the strings of her guitar to get the tuning right. "Well, I doubt it matters much. He wouldn't want to get along even if I did."

Jess, it seemed, couldn't disagree with that. So, she let it drop and leaned back to include me in the line of sight across her. "Have you met Leah yet?"

"Just in passing." She extended a hand for me to shake, and I chuckled at how formal it felt.

"Hi."

"Hey." She nodded between Jess and I knowingly. "So, you two, eh?"

"Yep!" Jess wrapped an affectionate arm around me.

"I hope you're a better match for her than I was."

There was the sorrowful flash again. It was good that she became very interested in her guitar then, because I had no clue what to say to that. It would have been easier if she'd meant it as a barb, but I couldn't detect a hint of malice. She really meant it. Was this the same ego maniac Madison I'd been seeing, or was I just drunk?

Jess lay a comforting hand over Madison's, momentarily stilling it on the frets. "I still hear Fast Car in your voice."

Whatever negativity Madison had felt evaporated in an instant, and she smiled happily. "Thanks."

Was I supposed to be jealous about that? Jess using a shared inside memory to comfort an ex? Well, I didn't. It made me feel special, that my lover really did know just what to say to anybody to make them feel good.

What would she say to me about the Sarah complex and the phone full of messages from her itching in my pocket? At what point did keeping my obsession with somebody else to myself stop being a reasonable concern about Jess taking it the wrong way and start being just pure cowardice?

I took another big sip of long island iced tea and came to a resolution. Tonight, I'd stop being a coward.

For as big a deal as everybody had made picking an activity out to be, the evening turned out very relaxed. Everybody lounged around the fire, swapping stories from the week, flirting and laughing, getting drunk and generally being as irresponsible as we all wished we could be while back at camp. Madison kept on playing, and I had to admit that she did have the talent to justify some of her self centered posturing. Jess and I shifted from group to group. Well, Jess mostly. I was happy to let her do most of the extrovert socializing while I listened and enjoyed the stories. In a way, it was just like home with Sarah.

Except, of course, it wasn't. Not even close. Being by Jess's side, being seen and recognized as belonging together with her, had a completely different feeling than anything I'd ever felt with Sarah. It was right in a way that I'd longed to feel with Sarah, but never could.

"You think you've got a dead weight co-counselor?" Anderson said after Abigail finished telling a story about her co-counselor Beth being harder to wake up in the mornings than their campers. "Let me tell you about Josh."

There were groans from the boys some and confusion from most of the girls. "Didn't he get fired last year?" Abigail asked. "I didn't think he was at training week."

"He did get canned, yeah. I have no idea how he talked his way back in or got out of working training week, but one way or the other, I'm stuck with him now." Anderson took a few puffs on his cigar, smiling faintly. "It's actually a great story, maybe I should save it for Spanner nominations tomorrow."

The Golden Spanner was the informal award for the biggest fuck up of the week, so naturally everybody wanted to hear the story immediately. Anderson let them egg him on a bit before giving in.

"Right, so, one of my guys is extremely allergic to nuts. Dillon -- he's new this year. Good kid. So, I got told that the main reason Josh is in my cabin is because he's got the same allergy. So he can look after Dillan, knows how to use an EpiPen if an emergency ever comes up, that kind of thing. Rest hour a few days ago, one of the kids got a huge care package with lots of candy."

"And you haven't shared any of it with us?" Somebody said, triggering a few laughs. We were supposed to confiscate any food campers got because mice would eat through the cabin and locker walls to get at it if we didn't.

"It's all long gone, you greedy fucks! I told him to pass it around because I'd have to take whatever was left after Rest Hour, and that made everybody happy. I didn't really think anything of it, and I went and took a power nap before third period. Next thing I know, I'm being shaken awake by three panicked looking kids, and Josh is on the floor writhing around like he's having a seizure. Everybody was yelling, nobody had any idea what was going on, all except Dillon. Calm as a fucking cucumber, he pulled an EpiPen out of his pocket and jammed it into Josh's leg. Apparently, the dumbass hadn't realized Mark's Mom's famous macadamia-nut-and-fudge brownies did, in fact, contain macadamias, despite Mark saying so multiple times when he passed them out, and them being clearly visible. Dillon, the 12 year old Josh was supposed to be protecting, not only didn't need it, but ended up having to save Josh's life."

There was stunned silence around the circle, and I was suddenly very thankful that the worst I had to deal with was a sometimes misbehaving Lilian. If I'd been in that spot, I would probably have shit myself.

"Do we have to deal with that kind of thing often?" I asked Jess worriedly.

"Nah. Worst I've ever had is a camper with some wasp stings. If anything happens, just get them to the infirmary and they'll figure it out."

We were enjoying ourselves so much we lost track of time. Before we knew it, the fire had become brighter than the setting sun, and we'd run out of long island iced tea. We ended up a little apart, sitting on a ledge of rock above the others, passing a beer bottle back and forth and giggling as we watched them couple up. It was like watching a documentary on animal mating rituals, with Jess playing the narrator's part filling in backstory of the various love polygons from summers past.

"Are you sure Tegan isn't into him at all?" I asked, nodding to Tegan and Blake, who had been inseparable all night.

"Trust me, if I had just one dollar for every time she's gotten his hopes up and he's come back the next day complaining about 'that cockteasing bitch', my college debt would be gone."

Madison had a circle of admirers, and looked very happy about it. Her voice drifted across the campfire, full and powerful as she sang.

"You've got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we can make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Any place is better

Starting from zero, got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something

Me, myself, I got nothing to prove"

It clicked in my head. "That's what you meant!"

"What?"

"That thing you said to her, you meant this song. She is really good." I trailed off, wanting to ask but not wanting to be nosey.

Jess cuddled into me, her hair and the softness of her skin feeling delightful. "Sorry about plunging you into all that baggage of mine."

"No-no! It's fine! I'm not jealous or anything, just curious. You know, after the parking lot and everything."

Jess's hand found mine and squeezed it. "Not much to tell, despite how big a deal they've made out of it. Do you know what camp goggles are?"

"Nope."

"It's a phenomena where, after weeks and weeks stuck together alone in the woods, people your rational mind would never find attractive somehow seem irresistibly hot."

"Oh! Like beer goggles."

"Yeah, exactly. That's kind of what happened for Madison and I a few years ago. Long story short, it didn't last. She was looking for a summer fling, and I... well..." she trailed off, uncomfortable for the first time.

"You wanted something a bit more serious?"

"Yeah." She said, then quickly added, "not to pressure you now or anything! I'm not saying we have to get all serious if you're not looking for that. It's just, at the time, I didn't want to get emotionally into somebody who was just going to say goodbye to me at the end of the summer, so I ended things with her." She sighed to herself. "She didn't take it well."

"She doesn't seem like the type who likes being told no."

"She isn't. Somehow, she got it into her head that I was rejecting her because of some sort of biphobia. So, she figured that she could make me jealous by hooking up with my closest friend here."

"Blake?"

"Yeah. His version of this story includes a ton of details about all the stuff they did to each other. I'm not saying it wasn't bad, but out of the three of us, I honestly think Madison came away the most hurt." Jess shrugged slightly. "I don't know. I guess that made it easy for me to move on. Blake, though. He holds a grudge."

"But it sounds like it's her fault! She's the one who freaked out and did all that."

She shrugged again, smiling up at me. "You're not wrong. Maybe I'm the fool for letting it go. I just feel better now that I have than I did back then."

Being able to forgive an ex who fucked with her like that? Really being able to move forward from it just because she knew it would make her feel better? Jess was my superhero. I squeezed her tightly, my eyes full of admiration. "You're absolutely amazing. I've told you that, right?"

"You've mentioned it a few times!" She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, leaving an imprint of warmth where her lips landed that tingled delightfully. "But hearing you say it never gets old, Hot Stuff." We sat quietly for a minute, watching Anderson attempt to seduce both Hannah and Miranda at the same time. He had one under each arm and he'd found a pair of huge cheap sunglasses somewhere, making him look like he was on a billboard for men's cologne. "I was actually a little worried before," Jess murmured. "You've seemed distracted tonight. I thought it might have been because of that."

Shit. Despite my good intentions, part of me had really hoped the opportunity would never come up. I took a deep breath. All the liquid courage seemed to leave me at once, and nerves choked me up. "You're not the only one worried about how your baggage will be taken," I muttered, self-consciously looking at the ground..

"Oh. Well, you know I'm here for you, if you want to talk about it." Jess's smile when I looked up again was so encouraging, her eyes radiating so much warmth and openness to me, I wondered for the thousandth time what I'd done to deserve her.

"I do want to. I've wanted to for a while. It's just... it's hard." Jess reversed our positions, straightening up and pulling me into her, wrapping her arms around me protectively and patiently waiting for me to continue.

It was hard to say the words. Just one sentence, but I'd built it up to this emotional colossus. "Um... well..." I stammered, hating myself for being so stupid. "Have you ever fallen for a straight girl?"

"Oh Leah, I'm so sorry."

"It's not like I'm like, emotionally unavailable for you!" I continued in a rush. "Please don't think that. I really like you, it's just--"

Jess shushed me mid-sentence. "None of that, silly. Of course I know that." She made little circle on my back, and I realized I was breathing very heavily. Nearly hyperventilating. "It's okay. Let it out, I'm here. Who is she?"

"Sarah. My best friend at school. She--"

And just like that, the dam I'd been holding back for months and months burst. I must have made quite a sight, wrapped up in Jess's arms crying my eyes out while everybody else was enjoying their night off. I kept thinking it was all done, but then I'd open my mouth, try to say something, fail, and get swept away in a fresh wave of emotion. Jess kept me wrapped up, safe and secure in her arms. She didn't try to interrupt or hurry me along, she just kept rubbing my back and whispering comforting little nothings in my ear.

If I hadn't been completely smitten with Jess before, that did it. As if crying myself out over Sarah wasn't overwhelming enough, I choose now to decide I was head over heels for Jess? God I'm such an idiot. It would have made me laugh if I wasn't so wrapped up already.

I'd expected everybody to be staring at us, but when I finally came back to myself and looked around, nobody seemed to have noticed. Madison sang something different, Anderson had found an even more absurd pair of sunglasses, and Jess and I remained undisturbed.

"Shit. Now you're going to think I'm the kind of girl who cries on dates," I said, hoping to lighten things by echoing Jess's comment when she cried after sex, and earning a little chuckle from her.

Her comforting smile was so genuine, it was hard to remember why I'd been so hung up talking about this. "To answer your question, yes, I have. It was my friend Vanessa, and she was my high school crush." Now I was done crying, she released her bear-like hug and held both of my hands together between us. "You're not alone, Leah. I think it's like some kind of gay rite of passage."

"I feel like I'm such an idiot."

"Maybe you would be if we got to pick and choose our emotions, but we don't."

"How did you get over Vanessa?"

Jess considered. Her hair had fallen over her face, but she seemed to think holding my hand was more important than fixing it. I did it for her, which naturally turned into caressing her face. "It might not be what you want to hear, but I didn't really. I tried to fight it for a while, but then I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with loving her."

"What do you mean?"

"Loving your friends is a beautiful thing. Sure, she'll never kiss you and you'll never give her an orgasm -- and trust me, I know exactly how much that sucks. But other than that, loving her does nothing but make your friendship even more special and fulfilling." She quickly swooped in and planted a kiss on me. "Besides, I'm here for all the kisses and orgasms you want."

As corny as it was, I actually laughed. "You better be serious about that."

"You know I am!" She looked as horny as she had before I'd gotten all dramatic, but then concern replaced it. "But I totally get it if you'd rather not tonight. No pressure--"

Surprisingly, I did want it. Or maybe it wasn't surprising. After all, why wouldn't I want to spend the night getting off with this wonderful woman? I shushed Jess with my lips like she'd done to me before. "I believe I was promised a night of toys?"

Jess beamed. Together, we left the campfire and headed back up the path. No flashlight, because that's how Jess rolled.

It wasn't like things had changed. Functionally, nothing was different. Sarah was still straight, I was still gay, and that was never going to change. But for some reason, I didn't feel like that was the end of the world like I had just 10 minutes ago. Why? How?