Stargazing - Complete Novella

"Sleep now, my Hot Stuff," she murmured, her musical voice soothing.

My. She called me hers! Mmmm. "Is it bad that this is what I'm happiest about?"

"What is?"

"Sleeping with you? Like, actually literally sleeping here beside you?"

The kiss Jess gave me was the most tender and loving I'd ever felt. "It makes me so happy to hear you say that." She pressed her forehead into mine and squeezed me in a fierce and possessive hug. "What did I do to deserve you, Leah?"

As great as it felt to let go into Jess and sleepiness, I couldn't just let that go! Shaking some life back into my head, I said. "Me!?! Jess, I'm--"

"Don't say you're not special. You are. You're the girl who's come into this crazy camp world and trusted me every step of the way. You've let me into your heart so much more than anybody else ever has, and it means the absolute world to me."

It felt so very safe and warm wrapped up in her, I almost forgot to feel embarrassed by the compliments. Almost. Summoning the last of my energy, I countered, "Whereas you're the girl who welcomed me, an absolute stranger, into your world with open arms. You've made me a part of it."

"But that's nothing," Jess protested.

"Oh? You just spent this evening with me crying my eyes out over another woman, and instead of telling me I'm terrible for leading you on, you're still here with me."

"But it wasn't like that. Not like there was somebody between us."

"But you could have seen it like that. You didn't because you're amazing. You see the best in everybody and everything, and you make everybody want to be better." I hugged her back, hoping to make her feel how important she had become to me. "And before you can say that's nothing, you should know that I've got a hundred more examples of you being amazing waiting, so you better not fight me on this."

Jess's smile was big enough to be clear as day in the dark. "Gathering a hundred ways to tell me I'm great sounds like the kind of thing only a special somebody would do."

After telling her to accept the truth of herself, maybe it was only fair to do the same myself. "Oh, fine," I murmured, snuggling as far into Jess's well of warmth as I could. "I give in."

She fell asleep first. Despite my physical exhaustion and the night's emotional swings, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay here with Jess forever. To keep basking in her embrace, keep feeling her heat on my skin, keep breathing in her scent. Careful not to wake her, I played with her hair the same way she always did, brushing it against my face and feeling even closer to her.

How was it possible that I'm the first to give her the emotional connection she deserved? No matter what she said, I was the luckiest person in the world, and Madison and everybody else in her past were absolute idiots.

But that wasn't important. What was important was making sure the lucky chance didn't slip away from me. Fuck worrying about moving too fast, Jess was mine now.

As I lay there beside her, full to bursting with peace and love, it suddenly hit me what wasn't there. The Sarah shaped hole inside me. The void of pain and loneliness that had been my companion every night. It was gone. Filled up.

I felt... complete. I wasn't a broken toy missing a part anymore.

This time, the tears that streamed down my face were absolute pure joy.

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Chapter 14

Knock. Draw. Loose. Rhythmic and steady.

Knock the arrow onto the bowstring, the smoothness of the shaft contrasting the firm roughness of the string on my fingertips. Draw it back to the comfortable spot just beside the corner of my lip, feel the easy flexing in my back and shoulders as they take on the weight of the bow -- slowly exhale and steady my arm as the shot lines up with the target. Hold, just a moment of stillness, and then release.

A nine. Just left of center. Not bad, but not perfect.

Knock. Draw. Loose.

The familiar rhythm felt as instinctual as breathing. Calming in its familiarity. The bow as much a part of me as the arm that held it, the arrow an extension of myself as it flew through the air to land, with a satisfying thud, dead center.

Ten. Perfect. No matter how many thousands of cycles through the motions, even as I became good enough that most of my shots hit inside the center ring, it never failed to feel satisfying.

"Holy shit," Lilian exhaled, amazed.

It was just the two of us. Technically, if I had the archery range open during free time, I was supposed to take more than just one camper down with me, but this was one of the few places I could think of to talk to Lilian privately. The environment felt right to me. Back at school, I often used archery as a means to decompress. To do something calming while I thought complicated things through.

And I had a ton of complicated things I wished I could be alone to think through right now. I wanted to be thinking about Jess, and what she'd said before we'd left the infirmary. Most camp relationships end when camp ends because people don't want to transition from being together every day to long distance. I was finishing school in Pittsburgh, Jess went to Boston University. 570 miles apart. 10 hours in a car, or a few hundred dollars for plane tickets.

I didn't care. I wanted her, and I wasn't about to let something as silly as points on a map get in the way. We were both going to graduate next year, we'd be together after that! And Jess clearly felt the same way. I could see that, and I could see it hurt her to point out the difficulties down the line, but she was firm that we should take a bit of time to think about it.

And the frustrating part was, deep down, I knew she was right. Long distance relationships are incredibly hard and jumping into committing to one while riding the high of our magical night together was probably not the best idea. But god damn it, I wanted her to be my official girlfriend right now!

Alas, I couldn't focus on that now. Lilian needed sorting out.

Talk to her like she's somebody my age at school. Great. How the hell do you give somebody behavioral correction without talking down at them? Don't you have to be in a position of superiority to do that? If I spoke to a friend at school like that, I can't imagine not getting told to fuck off.

But, I think, what Jess, Blake and Anderson were trying to say was to be real with her. Not to tell her the lies we instinctually tell kids simply because they're kids.

I'd hoped archery would make this easier. It hadn't.

"Lilian. You remember on the overnight, when you said adults all treat you like you're about to blow up?"

She instantly stopped gawking at my archery display and warily replied, "Yeah?"

"Would you like to know why?"

It was mostly rhetorical. I was going to tell her anyway, but she actually thought about it, her eventual "yes" seeming more genuine than a kid auto-piloting their way through a lecture. Maybe that meant she wouldn't blow me off?

"You're great, Lilian. You're very smart, you're funny in a way that resonates with adults, and you don't cause any of the problems we're used to having to deal with. But of course, you already know all that." I sighed, collecting my thoughts. Appealing to Lilian's sense of morality felt wrong. Appeal to her sense of logic. This way, hopefully, she'd recognize good behavior as being in her own best interest. "All that makes me feel like I can trust you. Like I can call you my friend, and have it mean more than it does for your bunk mates."

Lilian clearly had no idea where I was going. Her look of confusion would have been enough to make me laugh if I had been in the mood for it. She really must have been used to getting some slap-on-the-wrist punishment she didn't care about, and then sent on her way. Instead, like when I'd confronted her before, it was satisfying to be defying her expectations. She was confused, but attentive. Attentive was more than I could have expected from any of the other campers. Take the small victories.

I sat on the bench, ironically the same one from the Tabby episode, and motioned her to sit beside me, which she did as warily as a mouse attempting to sneak cheese off a trap. It made my heart bleed a little, how uncomfortable she was, and knowing that she needed to hear it didn't make it any easier.

Still, there was no backing out now.

So I told her how it felt like a betrayal of my trust in her when she did things like stealing from Bonnie and framing Evelyn out of spite. How that hurt me, despite her not intending it to, which made me see her differently and impacted our relationship. Feeling like she'd turned her back on me made me want to spend less time around her, to avoid that shitty feeling, which would make her feel bad, and create a negative feedback loop, starting the cycle all over again. In the end, she'd end up suffering more.

Maybe a bit dramatic, but I was proud of finding a way to appeal to her logic.

Lilian sat beside me, looking up at me with big eyes, mulling it over. Finally, she said, "That makes sense."

And that was it. She didn't offer an apology, didn't say she'd do better next time, just acknowledged her understanding. And, strangely, that was enough. From her, saying she understood meant she really did get what I'd said. She got it and, now she did, she'd use it.

At least, that was my sense of her, which I sincerely hoped wasn't too badly biased by how much I liked her.

"Shoot another round with me?" I said, getting up and dispelling the tension.

"Yeah."

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Chapter 15

I wanted everything to be squared away by the 4^th of July. I was lucky enough to be off that night -- Alexis kept begging to swap off nights with me when she found out -- and I wanted to have fun without distractions.

Alexis and I both watched Lilian like hawks, hoping there wasn't anything to see, but determined not to miss anything either. Every passing day was a mix of relief and apprehension. She seemed normal, in so far as Lilian was ever a normal child. On a day when it rained hard, we were all forced to stay in the cabin, and somebody made the mistake of including a chess set in the pile of board games they brought from the office to pass the time.

Lilian insisted she wasn't any good -- only 1400 rating -- all the real players at her school always beat her. Even without knowing anything about what that number meant, her simply having a rating set off alarm bells in my head. Sure enough, she played circles around everybody else in the cabin, including me. As a point of pride, at least I managed to make her think about a few of her moves.

She enjoyed those games against Alexis and me where she got to play into the game without winning a piece, and effectively ending the game, right out of the gates. The other games against the campers, by contrast, got boring for her quickly. Especially because they kept making the same mistakes without giving Lilian any new puzzles to solve.

Days passed without incident, and I'd given myself permission to stop worrying about Lilian and move on to thinking about the next piece on the list. Finally getting to talk to Sarah. It was finally time to tell her why I'd been acting so weird around her. As much as I missed her and was dying to share everything I'd been doing, that impending conversation still made me want to go hide whenever I thought about it. But it did need to happen. I owed it to her.

I'd arranged to stay at camp during our next off night to do it. Jess offered to stay with me for moral support, but it was the sort of thing I needed to do alone. The day came, and I spent most of it trying and failing not to count down the hours until I could slip away to The New Lean-to and quality internet. Minutes dragged by painfully slowly.

Rest hour rolled around, and I battled temptation to make up an excuse and get away early. But Lilian had finished The Great Hunt and started The Dragon Reborn before putting it down and giving up on the series, and talking about that made for a good distraction.

"I don't know," Lilian said. "I guess it was entertaining, but there was too much I had to tone out. I realized there was more stuff I hated than stuff I liked."

"What do you mean? Give me an example."

Lilian didn't have to think. "Like how all the women hate each other," she answered immediately.

I smiled to myself. So much of The Wheel of Time had flown over my head when I was younger, and I'd been enthralled by the conflict and scope of the world. It wasn't until I'd gone back years later that the problems in Robert Jordan's writing stood out. "It does get a bit grating," I agreed.

"Yeah! It's like, every single time female characters are talking, it's just to be bitches to each other. They only ever stop when one of the men wander over. And then, after all that buildup, they finally get to The White Tower, and what happens? It's chapter after chapter of ritualistic sorority hazing." She shook her head in disappointment. "I'm not saying everybody needs to get along all the time. Not even most of the time. I'm just saying, eventually, it'd be nice to break the monotony of bitchiness."

"And you didn't even get to the stuff with Aviendha and the Aiel."

"More of the same?"

"Jordan kind of has a thing for sorority hazing."

Lilian lay back on her bunk in a huff. "Well then, I'm happy I've stopped now. Sucks that it leaves me with nothing to read, though."

The door opened with its familiar squeak, signaling Cassy the mail girl's entrance. It was the same every day. She tried to announce who had packages and printed out emails from their parents, but was drowned out by the rush of campers massing around her excitedly asking, "Anything for me? Something for me?"

"Back, all of you. BACK!" Alexis' voice cracked like a whip across the cabin. "I swear, how many times do I have to tell you guys? Nobody gets anything unless they're on their bunks."

"Evelyn and Josselyn should be happy today," Lilian observed beside me, before returning to fantasy literature. "Don't suppose you've got any extra good books packed?"

"Wait, wait, how can you tell they're getting mail?"

"Oh, I was in the office earlier," she said offhandedly. "I was thinking about hiding their stuff because they always cry at night whenever they get stuff from their parents." Her tone shifted to interested again. "I don't even have internet access to look up recommendations here. If you know of something I'd like, my parents would probably send it to me. You--" She noticed my triumphant smile, and her eyes narrowed slightly. "What?"

What? You sweet, silly girl! You didn't do it! You were tempted to screw with them, but you held off! "Oh, nothing," I lied, continuing to radiate pride at Lilian. "You know what, I can think of a few books you might like. Have you ever read Mistborn?"

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Chapter 16

"LEAH! AHHHHH!" Sarah's voice shrieked as loud as my speakers would let it.

"Hello to you too--"

"Three weeks and only a few lousy emails from you!?! Pictures, Leah! I DEMAND PICTURES!"

"You'll get pictures! Just give me a sec--"

"Tell me everything! How's your cabin? How's the food? How are you managing to survive with no internet? And most importantly, tell me everything about HER!"

Sarah finally paused long enough to take a breath, and I felt myself grinning from ear to ear.

"Fuck, Sarah. I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too, Leah." Her smile matched my own, delight and excitement together with a familiarity I could feel more than see. It was easy. We slipped into our normal flow like it was a comfortable pair of socks, as if no time had passed apart at all. Sarah was interested in every little thing, from what the trip from CMU up to Lake George had been like, to how I fit in with my fellow counselors, to whether Blake was single.

"You heard the part about his beard, right?" I laughed, pulling the picture I'd taken from the off night onto our screen share.

"What, that?" She scoffed, waving a sarcastically unperturbed hand. "That's nothing half an hour and a razor can't fix."

"Oh, you think you could get this thing off with just a razor? No way! You're gonna need a chainsaw."

"That bad, huh? Well, nobody's perfect. But you know I love a man who can shoot!"

I shook my head, wonderingly. Just a week ago, I couldn't have joked with her about this. Even knowing she was kidding, the idea of her being romantic with anybody but me would have hurt too much. Being able to talk with her like this now, and feeling like it was easy, was liberating. Like walking again after months in a cast with crutches.

Sarah wasn't kidding, she really did want to know everything about Jess. I hadn't realized, but apparently the camp posted daily candid pictures, and Sarah had meticulously gone through them all, on top of stalking Jess's social media with the zealotry of an overprotective older sister.

She did a good job hiding it as a shallow desire for gossip, but really, Sarah was trying to make sure Jess was good enough for me. She was always my best advocate, even more than I was for myself. It made me smile, the way her tone slowly shifted from suspicious inquisitor to supportively encouraging as I brought her up to speed.

"Wait-wait-wait. So she just forgave the bitch after all that?" Sarah asked after hearing the Madison story.

"That's the kind of person she is," I patiently explained.

"She wasn't just saying that because it sounds good?"

"Nope. She really means it." I paused bragging about my hopefully soon-to-be girlfriend and finally tossed it back at Sarah. "So, do you approve of her yet, Mom?"

She had the good grace to look a little guilty. "Sorry! But you know I have to make sure."

"Don't worry, it's cute the way you get."

"So what happened next?"

Ugh. What happened next was I cried my eyes out over you!

"Um... well--uh," I stammered, happy attitude vanishing. "Uhm, about that. Since you ask... we talked about you. Um -- there's something I've been meaning to tell you about."

Staring at Sarah's image on the laptop screen, it was hard to be sure with the resolution from my wireless hotspot, but her whole demeanor seemed to drop as suddenly as mine had. "Oh?"

"I've -- well -- I was sort of in love with you..." I trailed off, wishing I could vanish into nothing.

Very quietly, Sarah's voice broke the momentary silence. "I know."

"You--" Of course she knew. It was Sarah. "Damnit. I'm such an idiot."

"I'm really sorry I let you down." They were the words out of my head, but instead of me saying them, it was Sarah's voice.

"You? Sarah, what?"

"I've seen how you've been suffering, and I've had no idea what to do to help you," Sarah let out in a rush. "Like, I could see you weren't ready to talk about it. Especially not to me, because like, I was the problem!--"

"You're the problem?!? No! You're not the one who's emotions went berserk and set you fucking up our friendship!"

Sarah went on as if she hadn't heard me. "--So I ignored it and carried on like everything was normal, when it obviously wasn't. I'm sorry, Leah, I should have thought of something better--"

"Sarah, shut up," I said, forcefully. She came up short, jumping a little in her camera frame. "You're being ridiculous. There's nothing you could have said to make it better."

"I could have tried--"

"You were right the first time. I wasn't ready, and I would have freaked out if you'd made me confront it with you." I shook my head. This was supposed to be about me taking responsibility and setting things right! Not about making Sarah feel like a shit friend. "Do you know why I never told you? It wasn't because I was afraid of you being weirded out. I didn't want to put you in the spot where you had to tell me it could never work between us. You would have hated doing that to me so much, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt you like that over my stupid feelings."