Summer to Remember

"Leslie, listen to me. Focus. You're going to be OK. Get up and get dressed. When you're ready, we'll talk about what happened."

She was right, but I still felt so dirty. Worse than that, I felt lost.

"K." I let out a heavy sigh.

One of my forms was hanging off my chest. I took them off and took my time cleaning them as I looked at the person in the mirror. Les, or Leslie, there wasn't any difference anymore. The sadness in those green eyes. I wondered if it would ever leave. I cried again. Sniffing and taking a deep breath, I remembered Judy's admonition; "Focus."

Slowly, I started like it was the first time. Concealer, foundation, then eyeshadow, and blush. I felt better as I saw the pretty girl taking over. I understood it wouldn't have mattered. They would have done what they did to me as a male or a female and I would have let them, urged them on. That was just the type of people they were, and they weren't even bad people. Carl had been tender and loving when we'd had sex this morning.

I knew what Judy and I needed to talk about, too. Was this the type of person I wanted to be?

I brushed out my hair and put it up in a ponytail, before I put my forms back on, and chose lipstick, a nice subtle pink this time. It would be a while before I wore the bright red I had on last night.

I took the polish off my nails. Maybe Judy and I could go to the salon later and I could get something more subdued.

Simple cotton panties and a sports bra went under my shorts and a simple T-shirt with a butterfly on it. My tennis shoes with ankle socks, and I picked up my purse and went downstairs to find Judy.

"Am I a bad person?" I was trying not to cry when I found her in the kitchen.

"No, sweetheart, and neither was your mother. Last night, you just got out of control and made some bad choices. Today, we need to make sure you're alright." She hugged me and I felt better than I had since I woke up in my car.

We sat and drank tea and talked about what I had done. I knew the potential consequences, but she explained them all to me, anyway. There were stories about my mom and how different I was from her. I learned things I never knew.

Sure, with my mom being a junkie, I was at a higher risk of becoming addicted, but I'd never had to prostitute myself to get food for an infant. I had so many advantages my mom never knew. She hadn't had a chance. I had all the opportunities in the world. I just needed to make better choices than the ones I made last night.

"You know we need to get you checked out?" There was a melancholy inevitability to her words. I knew what she meant, so I just nodded and took my glass to the sink and grabbed my purse.

The walk-in clinic was no fun. They checked for damage. That was maybe more humiliating than the memory of why it was necessary. There were blood samples they would send off for analysis. The potential ramifications of what I had done could be devastating.

A police officer even showed up and asked me questions. I did my best to answer. Judy sat next to me, holding my hand.

"Remember. Your only mistake was trusting the wrong people. This was not your fault. Remember that. Ok?" I nodded and let her think she was helping. I didn't feel like explaining that I had done everything willingly. Sure, I was a little tipsy, but I was more drunk on the energy the four of us created than the champaign. But Crystal had said there might have been X in that, too.

All I could think about was whether my mom had done the same things before she found heroin. As far as I was concerned, there were no charges to press. She was going to 'look into it', anyway.

The stop at the salon helped, as did lunch at Le Madeline. When we got back to the house, I saw Tony's car in the driveway. He and Steve were sitting outside by the pool. I tried to run past, but Judy grabbed my arm. "You should probably talk to Tony."

If anybody knew about stuff like this, it was Judy. She took care of my mom for years when my mom had bothered to come home.

Tony just looked at me. I don't know what he knew or who told him. His blue eyes were so sad. When he opened his arms, I melted into them, letting him wrap them around me.

"I'm so sorry." I blubbered again and again.

He didn't argue, he just held me and let me cry.

Judy filled Steve in. He knew who the photographer was and called Officer Stone to let her know how to contact him. He'd rip me a new one later for not calling him and checking the guy out. The check would clear the bank, but it wasn't work Steve would have ever recommended for me. Being in a bondage catalog could hurt my 'legitimate' opportunities. He also made a point to mention that models that did those jobs frequently had very open lifestyles.

I didn't tell Tony the details. Maybe one day I would, but not now. All I knew was he knew enough to be mad as hell at somebody. He should have been upset with me for getting into a situation like that.

He had volunteered to cover the bar for Angelo, so he gave me a massive kiss and a bigger hug, letting me know that no matter what, he was there for me. I smiled and squeezed his hand as he left me there with Judy. Steve took his cue from Tony and headed back next door.

"What did you tell Tony?" I finally asked Judy once they were both out of earshot.

"Just that you went to the wrong party and things got out of hand, that you needed someone to be there for you. It's up to you to tell him the rest when you're ready. Tonight, though, I think a cheesy movie and some ice cream are in order." It helped, sort of.

I needed something to distract me from everything running through my mind, so against Tony's objections, I showed up for work on Wednesday. My numbers were off, but not so much that Angelo complained, but enough that he noticed. The rest of the week was about the same, and I opted out of joining everyone for drinks on Friday and Saturday night.

On Sunday, Tony and I went out to the lake to hang out with Amber and Rick again. They noticed I was moody. I didn't offer any explanation, but Amber sensed what was wrong. When I told her, she confessed she had made similar mistakes a few times. "Tony will understand. Just give it time." She smiled and hugged me.

Tony heard more than I wanted him to hear, but he never left my side. Amber and I talked, and the guys just listened. Rick, reaching out and putting his hand on Tony's shoulder when it looked like it was getting to be too much.

That same pain was in his eyes. I had hurt him badly. But there was also that compassion I always seemed to find there.

Amber told me the same things Judy told me. "Leslie, what you did, that wasn't the real you. Your only mistake was trusting the wrong people." I wanted to believe her, but what good would it do me? Besides, the thing that bothered me the most wasn't the sex. What bothered me was how much I enjoyed it, how good it all felt. More than that, it was the drugs. It scared me to death I would end up like my mom.

When we got home, Judy was waiting. I guess she could tell that Tony knew everything.

"You're not her." Judy took my hand as soon as I got out of the car. I squeezed back. She knew me so well. "But now you know, and you can make decisions that take you in the direction you want to go."

I caught myself looking at Tony. He smiled and sighed. "Take as much time as you need."

I nodded, and he left me there with Judy.

The shock of what I had done slowly wore off. That still left me with a nervous feeling that seemed to follow me everywhere. Everywhere I went, I felt like people were looking at me, judging me like they knew what I had done. Slut, whore, druggy.

People I didn't know made me uneasy, and I hadn't let Tony kiss me since it happened. It was bothering him, too. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I had lost him, if he only stayed because he felt sorry for me. How could he still care after what I had done?

It felt like everything was changing around me. Even Judy and Steve looked at me differently. The one constant seemed to be the comfort I found every morning as the pretty girl appeared in the mirror as I got ready to face the day.

"Are you up for a trip to the lake tomorrow?" Tony stopped me after work Saturday night.

"I'd like that." I smiled at him.

"Cool." He smiled. "I'll pick you up before lunch. We can grab something to eat on the way."

"Sure." He turned to walk away. I grabbed his arm. "Tony."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." I bit my lip and looked up at him, realizing I was still holding onto his arm, keeping him from leaving. Stepping closer, I looked for that familiar twinkle in his blue eyes. I saw the concern, the caring. I wanted the twinkle. Another step, my body pressed into his, my other hand went to his chest. I raised up on my toes. He smiled and kissed me. Shuddering, I let him wrap his arms around me.

It wasn't the wild abandon we usually had when we kissed goodnight. It was softer, more tender, but so powerful. "I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper. "I cheated on you. I took something away from you. My first time was going to be yours, and I gave it away to strangers. Tony, I liked it. I wanted it. Can you forgive me?"

"Leslie, there's nothing for me to forgive. You're here with me now. You're letting me help you, protect you. I don't have any right to expect anything more. I think you need to forgive yourself." He pulled me closer, kissing me again, and walked me to my car.

I wanted so much more, but I couldn't give it. Old boundaries were new again. Old trusts had to be reforged. It was my fault. Tony was right. If I didn't trust myself. How could I trust anyone else? I needed to forgive me.

"Tomorrow?" I reached up and kissed Tony again. There it was, that sparkle in his eyes. I knew I hadn't lost him. Maybe I'd be ok.

The entire crew was at the lake this time. I was nervous, but Amber and Tony made sure one of them was always next to me, mostly Tony, which I liked. It didn't take long for me to relax and enjoy myself. Tony rubbed lotion on my back, and when he got close to my butt, I flinched. My ass clenched, and I remembered how it felt to have someone inside me. Part of me wanted to run away. Another part wanted him to take me right there on the deck of the boat in front of everybody. Conflicted, I just closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

I had a little over two weeks before I moved back to my apartment for the fall semester. Two weeks to figure out what to do in the future. Two weeks to figure out what to do about Tony.

"What's the matter, girlfriend?" Amber lay down next to me.

"It's just too much. I don't know what to do any more. I thought I had it all figured out, and then it all changed when I went to that shoot."

"Can you change what happened?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Do you even want to change what happened?"

"What?" I rolled on my side and looked at her.

"Listen. I understand it was traumatic, but you told me you liked it, too." She was right. I knew it and so did she. The sex was incredible. I would have liked Tony to be my first, and I'd probably actually prefer my partners to be one at a time, but the physical act had been so intense, so good.

"Do you want to keep hiding from yourself, or do you want to own your life? Take Tony home tonight and fuck his brains out. Get up tomorrow and do it again. You'll both feel better, I promise. Life lesson, little sister, keep what makes you better, get rid of what doesn't."

Amber got up and dove into the lake, leaving me there to think about what she said. That was just so fucked up. 'Move on.' How was I supposed to do that?

It wasn't just the shoot, the drugs and the sex. It was everything. Modeling, dressing like a girl. Hell, living as a girl. It was Tony and the way he made me feel and the way I felt about him. It was going back to school and facing the real world and living with the fallout of the decisions I needed to make.

Les had been barely scratching by. Leslie was flourishing, mostly because of her modeling. Steve had already told me some of his clients wanted me for future jobs, so that was a major plus. Even on a personal level, I just loved being pretty. I liked the way people interacted with Leslie more than the way they interacted with Les. I made more money as a waitress than I did as a waiter.

And then there was Tony. I'd dated a few girls, but like Betsy, they all wanted someone more macho, with bigger muscles, more able to protect them from the monsters of the night. Over the past couple of months, I'd learned to like that, too. None of those girls had come close to making me feel the way Tony did, and to be honest, having sex with the few I had screwed hadn't been fulfilling at all. It was like, yeah; you bought me dinner and took me to a movie. You paid for it. Now fuck me so I can leave.

Leslie definitely made me better, and the university wouldn't care. They had counselors and entire programs expressly for girls like me.

The problem wasn't even really the sex. I really liked the sex. It was the drugs that I associated with it. I knew how drugs worked, what they did to a person. I had lived it through my mom and now I knew firsthand. They took what I experienced to a whole different level. They let me experience things so much more intensely than I normally would have.

Amber was right. I had admitted it. I liked it. It was amazing. But would it be good enough without the drugs? Would me having a sexual relationship as a girl drive me to want more, to want that intensity again? Would it push me back to the party drugs I was so afraid of and what they led to?

As much as Leslie made me better, if that was the price, I couldn't afford her. That was what scared me the most. Laying there in the sun, I let the thoughts chase each other through my head. Amber was right about one thing. I need to take control of my life. I needed to make some decisions.

"You're quiet." Tony reached over and put his hand on my thigh as we climbed into his car.

"I'm just thinking about stuff. The summer's almost over. Everything's going to change."

"Not everything, right? Some things will be the same. You'll still be you."

"Yeah, but which me?" I laughed nervously.

"There's only one." The way he said it rang so true. He knew it. I knew it. Les was gone, relegated to some distant memory never to return.

"Tony?" I put my hand on his and squeezed. "Can I stay with you tonight?" He almost ran off the road.

"After what happened, are you sure?"

"Because of what happened... Please."

"I'd like that." His fingers interlaced with mine. Neither of us said a word all the way to his apartment.

I texted Judy, letting her know I was staying with Tony and not to worry. All I got back was a smiley face emoji.

I didn't offer Tony any explanation. There was no need for him to know what I wanted to find out. I just needed to see how it felt without the drugs. I needed to know if I could afford Leslie. It was sad, really. This could have been my first time, so pure and innocent, and special. That's how I had imagined it, but now it was clinical, calculated. I was using Tony to prove something to myself. Was that a worse betrayal than sleeping with Crystal, letting Dirk and Carl fuck me?

It started slowly, as a true first time should. Full of nerves and apprehension, we kissed and explored. I knew Tony's cock so well, but tonight, it was new again. I teased him and he teased me until he took over.

"Let me." He kissed me passionately, gently nudging me onto my back. "You should always have been a girl. You know that now, don't you?"

The memories of the party faded from my mind, his crystal blue eyes chasing them into the darkness.

I moaned and nodded as he kissed his way across my body. My breasts were on the counter in the bathroom where I had cleaned them. That only meant Tony could kiss and lick and suck at my nipples, sending surges of pleasure through my body while his hand gently fondled my leaking cock.

The irony caught me. No boobs or makeup, Tony fondling my erection, and I was still all girl in his eyes. The realization filled me with a contented warmth, a feeling of self-acceptance. "Tony, kiss me, please." Our lips met and nothing else mattered.

Writhing, I moved with each new feeling. When he took me in his mouth, licking and sucking my shaft, letting me explode, I screamed, and he was just getting started.

Pushing my knees to my shoulders, he buried his face in my ass, driving his tongue into my pulsing hole. Fuck, this was so different from what had happened before. I was hard again and throbbing as he toyed with my ass. My moans growing louder and louder as he showed me what a man could do for his woman, because that was what I was, a woman. His woman.

"Are you ready?" I couldn't answer. I chewed on my lips and nodded, my eyes begging him to finish what he started.

His fingers invaded me first, probing, pressing on my prostate, driving me mad with strange and wonderful feelings. I think I came again, but I was so lost in what Tony was doing to me, I couldn't be sure.

Oh, my god. Finally, he pressed his cock against my aching, throbbing rose, pushing inside me, slowly, deliberately. Leaning down to kiss me as he bottomed out inside me and made love to me.

This was no 'Ride of the Valkyries', no '1812 Overture' with its overwhelming power carried by the sound of drums, clash of cymbals, roar of cannons, or explosions. This was a new opus played by a single cello. It was deep, rich, moving, full of passion, taking me to heights I had never imagined. It tore into my soul, ripping my heart from my chest as the emotion of what we were doing stitched it all back together. Somehow it made the experience more full than it ever could have been before.

When I looked into Tony's eyes and felt his kiss, I understood something. Sex was just sex, no matter how you amplified it.

This, sharing your most intimate parts, surrendering your soul to someone you love, is so much more than that.

"Yes, yes, yes!" I screamed as Tony grew more passionate, thrusting harder into my center. I knew I came this time because the thick sticky liquid shooting from my cock hit me in the face. I laughed and lapped it from my lips, using my fingers to move what had hit my cheek and forehead into my mouth.

The intensity of my orgasm didn't wane, though. It grew and spread, coursing through my entire body as I shivered and trembled under Tony's onslaught.

Quaking underneath him as he pulsed inside me, his body shaking violently as his orgasm tore through him. I wrapped my legs around his hips and my arms around his neck, holding him in place as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks.

There was completeness, a finality, a closure in what Tony and I had done. Everything else was insignificant. I'd probably be dealing with the demons from that party for a long time, but it wouldn't be the sex. I had already promised Judy I'd include that in what I talked to my therapist about when I got to school. But I now understood that what I couldn't afford was to give Leslie up. Even tarnished and stained, she was far too valuable.

"Leslie, baby, you need to let me go."

"Don't want to." I squeezed him harder.

"Seriously, I'm getting a cramp, and I really need to pee, so."

Reluctantly, I relaxed and dried my tears as I watched him scurry across the room. I needed to go to the bathroom, too, but not for the same reason. There was a sticky mess all over my stomach and chest, and on my face, with Tony's seed slowly oozing out of my ass. I was a complete mess.

We had showered when we got back from the lake, but I needed another one. Patting Tony on the butt as he finished his business, I told him to join me when he was done. Taking our time getting clean, we kissed and fondled each other under the warm spray. Just being with him made me feel so validated. When he turned me around and took me from behind, it was more like the 'just sex' I had experienced at the party, but who it was with made it so much better.