Surviving Retirement

"Late adulthood is also when the children start to leave home. The problems now are with both people as they each look at their partner that they have lived with for twenty years and see a stranger. The man has usually been deeply involved in his career and the wife is eager to do something new. Then we get to early maturity. Many couples end up divorced through the last three periods, but those who do survive, have resolved their early issues and begin to expand their horizons. They rediscover each other's uniqueness and find satisfaction. The man is pretty well at the top of his career and the woman has rediscovered meaning in her life. I won't go on with the other stages because they don't apply to you yet. The important point is that at each stage, each person is faced with new and different challenges and learning opportunities. If they are successful, they all come back together in the early retirement period. I'll let Susan pick it up from here."

Susan began her part. "I am not a psychologist, but a sociologist and I focus on relationships and how they work and why they fail. While Harold counsels individuals, I counsel couples to work them through the problems and things that face them through each of these stages. As Harold said, there are many failures during these stages. They are spread out over a twenty to thirty year time span. Once the relationship breaks apart, each couple tends to go back to an earlier stage and start over again. This is personal and not career or age related. We have been doing this together for twenty years and have written several books together and independently on our studies. You can find them on line if you are interested, but they won't help you much because you are part of small group where the normal life cycle doesn't apply anymore." She paused and looked at us for questions. We had none.

"To be honest, you have been in the early adulthood stage for fifteen years and suddenly you went from that to late adulthood without passing through the other stages. It is no wonder that you are confused and lost as to what to do next when you are still in your mid thirties. We have worked with a number of people like you, but with different issues. Usually, one partner achieves early success and the other partner is just there going along for the ride. One of our clients was a lounge singer and his wife worked as a waitress in the club he sang in. They were barely making ends meet. He cut a record and three months later, he was an overnight success and she was still a waitress in her mind. We had another similar situation where the woman was an actress and her husband was a mechanic. She got cast in a big movie with all of the glitz and glamour and he was still a mechanic. We have also had several couples more like you where they sold their business and had enough money to retire, but weren't ready to yet. We have developed a few things that we can suggest that might help you out if you are interested. There has been little research done on this subject, but we both know that it will be a growing area and we want to learn more and grow with this trend. That is why we are so interested in working with you."

Ellen looked at me and we both knew what to ask next. "What do we need to do? We are ready."

Harold spoke again and he was obviously being very careful. "It isn't quite as simple as that. First, I need to tell you something that might upset you. It isn't bad, but it does carry some serious negative messages to some people. Are you willing to hear it? If you aren't, just say so and we will see if we can find something else to try."

I said, "We are ready to hear it; we are getting desperate. I think that desperate is a good word here." Ellen nodded. Susan got up and went to the door and said something to the receptionist and then returned.

He continued, "There is only one word I can use because it accurately describes both of you, but like I said, most people take the word as a negative. Please don't. In your case it is a positive. The word is codependent. You are each dependent on each other to fulfill your life." I felt Ellen stiffen, but she didn't say anything.

Harold must have noticed it too as he said, "When most people hear the word, they think of one person dragging the other down with emotional baggage and getting entangled in a complex web of almost passive-aggressive behavior. That is why I cautioned you first. The truth is that you two exhibit the same behavior except that it is positive and no one ever talks about that side. The main difference with you is that you are both emotionally and intellectually strong. There are no negative seeds there to destroy you. Your codependency comes from your natural talents and skills. Ellen is the idea and sales person while Joe is the doer, planner, and operational man. You supplement each other almost perfectly and have proven that over fifteen years while other couples are still struggling with how to get along with each other. The problem is that you think alike, you almost read each other's mind intuitively; you work well together and seldom argue about anything because you are on the same wavelength. I would guess that neither of you has a hobby or a sport that you participate in and that neither of you has engaged in a separate activity that wasn't in support of the other. You also probably don't have any friends outside of work. You know a lot of people, but aren't close to anyone besides each other. Even your parents don't understand you as well as each other does."

Ellen's voice was quivering as she spoke. I couldn't speak because of the lump in my throat. "What can we do?"

Susan answered, "Let's take a break first and get ourselves together. I have ordered some deli sandwiches and we can just talk about something else for awhile and then we will talk about our suggestion. Tell us about Italy; we want to go there someday." The receptionist entered and set a tray of sandwiches, chips, drinks and condiments on the coffee table.

We talked for almost forty five minutes about Italy while we ate. I felt myself relax and saw that Ellen did too. Finally, the time came to get back on task. Susan was the one to start us going again.

"We have had eight couples with a similar situation that you are having. We have tried this with each of them. Two declined to participate and we are trying different things with them. Of the other six, five have completed it and have rediscovered life together. The sixth one is still in the process, but the signs are positive. Like we said, there is very little precedent for this type of situation. What we suggest is that you each go in a different direction for a while and try to discover what you like and respond to personally. Then when you come back together again, you both have new things to share and perhaps develop together. In short we reintroduce you to that exploratory period and condense it without the daily pressures that young people usually experience."

Ellen asked nervously, "How long is this period?"

"That is an excellent question. What we recommend is that you assume and plan on a year. If you find a good place before that, it can be shorter if you are both ready. We don't recommend planning on a shorter period because some people will take three or four months to discover something and if the time limit is six months, they don't have enough time to get comfortable. Some will also start counting the days and that isn't productive either."

I asked, "Are you suggesting that we go out and have affairs and things like that?"

"No, not at all. One of the things we will need to talk about is that issue, but that is not our suggestion at all. Let me give you a couple of examples. One of our clients liked to cook and go also out on boats. He got a job on a fishing boat out of Seattle. His wife thought that she would be interested in planning weddings and got a job working with a professional planner. The result was that the man learned that he loved cooking for others and going out in a boat, but he hated being on a work boat with a bunch of strange people he didn't know. His wife liked planning events, but she hated weddings. When they got back together after a year, they ended up buying a boat in Seattle and she arranged romantic outings for couples and small groups. They anchor out and the man cooks for a small group and his wife takes care of the people during the day. They love it. They have been doing this for two years now and are closer than ever." She paused again looking at us for a response.

"Another couple started out doing the same thing except that the man developed a passion for old books after hearing a lecture at a university about them. The woman found out that she loved going to flea markets and estate sales and finding unique things to collect and sell. The difference with them was that the man talked to the speaker and they went hunting books together and they became road lovers. The woman met a man who was also a collector and seller. They travelled together and also became lovers. When their time was over, they each were honest with each other about everything and accepted each other as they were then. Now, when the man goes on a book hunt, his lover travels with him and the same for the woman. They each come home for at least a month and they enjoy each other immensely. The other man and woman live in their normal homes and seldom come to the couple's home although all four of them have been together from time to time. Those are two extremes, but show that you can find a life separate from your spouse and still maintain a vibrant relationship afterwards."

I could feel a change in Ellen. She was excited. I wasn't exactly sure about what, but I could feel it like when she had a new idea to work with. I asked, "What's next. There has to be more that what you just said."

Harold took over. "You are right Joe, there are a number of things we need to talk about, but those are mostly irrelevant right now. What we would like is for you and Ellen go home and talk about this. If you decide to go forward, we will lay out the other parts. If you decide not to participate, then the other things are just clutter. We both have clients this afternoon. Let's suggest that you come back tomorrow morning. If you have made a decision, we can explain the rest. If you have more questions, we can try to answer them or you can talk to one or the other of us privately. We aren't trying to force you into something that you don't want and we don't want you to do this with any regrets. It is about your life and future."

Ellen asked one more question, "If we do this, what are the chances of us staying together when this is over?"

Susan replied, "There is no guarantee; but so far all of the couples are still together and are happy. Again this isn't about measuring specific results. It is about you two finding more about yourselves and finding a new dynamic to add to your lives. What you find might take you in a totally different direction, but from what I have seen of both you, I doubt that this would be your case. The bond between you is too strong. What I would expect is that you will each bring something new back and then you will work out how you can each achieve your new goals. That is what we hope happens, but we will have no control over what actually happens." Ellen just nodded.

Shortly after that, we rose and shook hands with the couple and left. We drove silently until I drove into the parking lot of our favorite pub. Without saying a word, we both knew that this is where we wanted to be and talk. The entire conversation lasted the time it took us to drink our glass of ale.

She started, "Well, what do you think?"

"I think that we both know that we need to do this."

"I know; it just a little scary to me to think that you won't be there for me when I need you."

"I am a little scared about trying to find something without you there to make it exciting and wonderful. I guess we need to find out that we can do this without each other."

She sighed, "You are right. We'll talk to them in the morning and see what else we need to do to get ready."

"I know what I want to do now and for the rest of the night?"

She grinned and asked, "Do I need to ask what that is?"

"You can ask, but you know what the answer will be."

"I'm ready; let's go home."

We swallowed the last of our ale and left.

At ten the next morning we entered the office and were shown directly into the same room. I poured us each a cup of coffee and we sat closely next to each other. It was like we knew that we were going to be apart and wanted to share every possible moment with each other. Susan and Harold came in with smiles on their faces, but I could detect a look of concern in their eyes. They didn't know what we had decided.

Susan began, "So, questions, discussion, or decisions?"

I took Ellen's hand and after taking a deep breath, I said, "Decision."

Susan asked, "And what is that?"

Ellen answered after letting her breath out. "We are both a little scared, but we know that we need this. We are ready to move on." I nodded.

Harold interrupted and asked, "Ellen, what are you scared about?"

"I am scared about waking up and knowing that Joe isn't there to cover me when I screw up or there to redirect me if I get off task."

"Joe, what are you scared of?"

I fumbled for the words until I looked at the coffee table. "I look at that coffee table and see a coffee table. When Ellen sees it, she sees a place for books, or a flower, or art pieces. She makes the table come alive. I am scared that I will spend a year looking and only see things and that nothing will ever come alive anymore."

Harold smiled and said, "Thank you. That was very special. The worst thing either of you could have said was that the other couldn't survive without the other. Then this wouldn't work very well. You both said that the other makes your life better. You both know that you will survive and that the other one just makes it better. That is something to remember and build on now and later."

Susan added, "Harold is right. Everything we have seen and talked about last night tells us that you are both capable of handling this and coming out stronger in the end. That will be a pleasure to see. Now, I want to discuss a few things that we recommend and why. Feel free to ask any questions you have. First, we suggest that you both go somewhere else rather than stay here. We suggest that you start off going in different directions."

I asked, "Explain?"

"If either of you stay here or near here or even go back to your home town, there will be constant reminders of the other one. We feel that if you go to new places, you will still remember, but you will also be looking at and facing new things rather than old ones. As things progress, one or both of you might keep moving and end up going in the same direction as the other, but the other will also have settled in or moved on."

"I see. I don't have a problem with that; I just wanted to know why. We haven't talked about it, but I am thinking about getting a truck or a small RV and going west. The idea of going east doesn't hold much interest to me."

Susan looked at Ellen and asked, "Ellen, have you considered what you might want to do?"

"A little. The idea of driving doesn't appeal to me. Joe always does that so I can look around and see things. I think that I want to fly someplace and maybe stay in a residence hotel for a while and look around. If I don't like it, then I can rent a car and move on to another place. I think I would feel more comfortable doing that."

"Sounds good to me. Joe, do you have any comments?"

"Only about security for her. Some places can be dangerous."

"Good point. Ellen?"

"I thought a little about that and thought that I would stay in the safer areas if I can. I won't stay at a place where I don't feel safe. I will also ask for a second floor room if possible."

"That brings up the second suggestion. Whatever you do, it will cost some money. We suggest that you decide on a budget and set aside an equal amount of money for each of you to use. It shouldn't break the bank, but you should each expect that the other will spend it all even if they don't. In short, you each will have and spend the money anyway you want and there will be no repercussions. Comments?"

This was my question. "We haven't talked about this, but I don't want there to be any restrictions on Ellen. Off the top of my head, I am thinking that we will put a million dollars in an account for each of us. We probably won't spend it, but if the opportunity arises, I don't want to limit it because of a few dollars."

Both Susan and Harold looked on in surprise. "That is very generous, Joe. Are you sure that this won't hurt you financially?" Harold asked.

"Let me put it this way; if we each blew a million dollars a year for the rest of our lives, we would have to live to be 180 to spend it all. This won't break the bank."

They looked at Ellen who was smiling and then said, "Joe is right; however, both of us have been frugal for most of our lives together. I expect that neither of us will come close to spending that much. I like the idea of having that freedom for both of us for the same reason that Joe said."

Susan then said, "That should take care of that one very nicely. Let's move on to the next one which we touched on it yesterday and that is sex. Both of you are young and will be feeling sexual wants and needs. You will also probably face plenty of opportunities since both of you are very attractive for many reasons. Do you want to put a limit on potential sexual contact with others? You can or you can leave it open. The important thing to remember that whatever you decide, each of you will be responsible for your own actions. Comments?"

I had thought about it last night before I fell asleep and knew what I was going to say, but I wanted to hear Ellen first.

"I only gave that a moment's thought, but here is my reaction. Neither of us has been with anyone else since we met in college twenty years ago. I probably wouldn't recognize if a guy was hitting on me and Joe probably wouldn't either unless the woman walked up to him and said 'fuck me.'" That brought a laugh from everyone. "However, I know that both of us have good libidos. I probably won't go looking for anyone, but I am not going to put any restrictions on Joe."

"Joe?"

"I also only thought about it briefly and I realized that she too will have opportunities and even if she said that she wouldn't recognize it, I feel certain that she would recognize a pass if someone attractive made one. Like her, I am not going to look for it, but it may very well happen. I also don't want to put any restrictions on her. I guess that I should add that I might be disappointed if she came back with a three month old child in her arms, but that wouldn't be a deal killer. It would bother me if she fell head over heels for someone else, but if that happens, I think I could find happiness in the knowledge that she was happy with someone better than me. So I stick with the no restrictions."

"Ellen, do you have a response for Joe?"

"Honey, I am on birth control pills and I will stay on them. On the other hand, the same holds true of you. If you fall for someone else, I don't want you to hide it. Bring her back and let me meet her. I damn sure want to makes sure that she is good enough for you. I can live with that."

"Joe, any response to Ellen?"

"Sure; Ellen, I love you. What's next?"

"We have hit all of the major things. So what is important for you to ask?"

Ellen quickly asked, "When are we supposed to start this?"

"That is up to you. When you can look at each other and say that you are ready, that is when it is time."