Surviving Retirement

I added, "What is in it for the two of you? I assume that we will pay for the session yesterday and today and perhaps along the way, but that seems small compared to what I assume will be your efforts."

Harold answered for both of them. "Thank you for thinking about us, but we won't be charging you anything for this. You are giving us a unique opportunity too."

"Explain."

Susan continued, "We told you that there has been very little research on this type of situation, but there are more people living the same experience that you are and there will be more to come. We would like to ask for a couple of things in return which will help us understand what you are going through and how you make your discoveries. This will help us help others. When we get enough data, we will probably write a book about it and share it with others and with our colleagues. Of course, anything we say about you will be anonymous. So we want to share your experiences as you find them. We would like to have you keep a journal or diary. We don't need to have a daily diary or a travelogue, but if you can write down some of your discoveries weekly or every other week and e-mail it to us, we would love to read about your lives. We will also act as your go between if you need to contact the other one. It should go without saying that if you get in trouble or fall into a deep funk, call us. Either we will come to you or ask for you to come in for a day or two visit."

I asked one last question, "How will we know when to end it?"

"I said that it is time to start when you can look at each other and say that you are ready. The same holds true when you can tell us that you are ready to come home. We will contact the other one and see where he or she is and see when we can have both of you to come in to talk it over. If neither of you get to that point, in one year from the day you start, we will want for you both to come in and talk face to face. If you want to continue being apart and both of you agree, then we will continue. If you can't agree, then we will need to discuss other options."

"That sounds good to me. Ellen, do you have anything else to ask?"

"No, I need to go home and think about where I want to start and how I am going to do this."

"Me too."

Susan said to close our meeting, "I think that what I am seeing and hearing is two people embracing an opportunity and not waffling about what might happen. I like that attitude a lot. When you feel ready to start, come in so we can confirm that you are ready."

All of us stood up and shook hands again. Then we left to go plan step one of the rest of our lives.

Chapter Three

We held hands as I drove home. Half way there, she said, "Thank you for the things you said today. You gave me confidence that we were doing the right thing?"

"I don't know what I could have said."

"I know and it so like you. You answered the questions like you were looking at the coffee table. You didn't see beyond that to see the reinforcement that you gave me. I wasn't worried about the money, but you saying what you did, just helped me see that you really meant it and that I could do what I wanted without asking permission. That meant a lot. Then when you talked about sex, you did the same thing. It wasn't about anything particular except when you said about me coming home with a baby. You said that it wouldn't be a deal killer. Do you know how special it made me feel that I could make a mistake like that and know that we could still work things out. And I meant what I said about you too. If you did fall for someone, I want you to bring her back and let me meet her. I won't yell and scream and throw things. I just want to know who is important in your life. The last thing that was important is when you asked how we would know when it is over. That told me that this was just a temporary thing like a business trip. You would be coming home regardless of the baggage either of us might bring along. That was an important feeling for me to hear."

"I guess I need to start listening to myself better. I didn't realize that I said so much."

"I know and that is what is so beautiful about you. You answer from the heart and don't realize it. I know that it isn't contrived or forced."

"So what is your plan to get ready?"

"I was thinking about that during parts of the talk. I want to decide on a place to go. I need a place to start. When I do that, I'll make reservations. I have already decided that I will travel fairly light, maybe two suitcases. I will buy anything I need along the way. I'm not sure, but I might buy a car along the way if decide to move around very much. I hate rental cars. We can keep it later or sell it or something. Other than that, I don't plan on doing much else. What about you?"

"Mostly the same. I thought about getting a pickup truck, but now I think I may get one of those campers built on a heavy duty truck frame. That way I can stop and stay where I want to and not just in a town with a hotel. If I decide to stay someplace for more than overnight, I will probably stay in a hotel though. I am only going to take jeans and khakis and some pull over shirts and buy what I need like you will be doing. Other than that, I just need to pay our homeowners association dues for the year and turn off the utilities. Then I want to make the arrangements with the bank. Instead of setting up more accounts, I think that I will just get ATM cards on the one we have. There is ten million there and if we go over what I said, it is no big deal. I'll have them put some kind of security check on them so that they can't be stolen or something. That is about it. I guess we need to tell our parents something before we leave."

"Yes, I thought about that too. Let's do it before we figure out our first destination. We can just tell them that we are going to travel independently and look for another business to start or buy. That will satisfy them, I think."

"I agree. Let's make it a joint call tonight and get that done. Basically, we can probably start next week."

"I like that idea."

So that was our plan; it took us just a drive home to formulate a plan that would carry us for a year.

We called Susan and Harold the next week and told them that we wanted to meet the following Tuesday morning. They were a little surprised, but quickly agreed. As the week went on, we added a couple more things to our lists. I bought each of us a new top of the line laptop with all of the software that we liked to use. We each went separately to a cell phone store and bought new phones with new numbers which we weren't going to share with each other. The temptation to talk to each other would be too great. I picked up my camper on Monday morning and had it loaded with my things and Ellen's suitcases. All she told me was that her flight was at one. I would drop her off at the airport on my way out of town. That night we made intense love after we had cleaned up everything and gotten rid of the remaining food in the kitchen. In the morning, we stopped and ate breakfast on the way to Susan and Harold's office.

Our meeting with them was short. Susan asked if we were ready. We both looked at each other and then at them and said "Yes." Then we each gave them an envelope with our new phone numbers and e-mail addresses on it plus our parents names and phone numbers if an emergency arose. They gave us each a binder with some articles that they thought might be important for us. The last words they said was, "We are eager to read your journals. Be safe." Then we left.

When we got to the airport, I dropped her off at one of the check in stands and before she got out, I took her in my arms and kissed her. Then I said, "That is not a good bye kiss. That is a 'Have a safe journey' kiss. The next one will be you 'Welcome back' kiss."

"See you did it again. You spoke from your heart and you told me reams about what is coming. I have this feeling that when we are done, we will come back together. We will have changed, but it will be for the better and we can enhance each other even more than before. Drive carefully and don't forget me."

"Not a chance." She got out and walked into the terminal and when the door was shut behind her; I drove out of the airport and turned west.

That night I stopped in one of the commercial campgrounds for the first time. It was neat and tidy and the hook ups were easy. They had a small store for odds and ends and I bought a few things, but I had eaten an hour before I pulled in. For the most part, I expected to eat breakfast and dinner in restaurants and lunch on the road. Since I had only taken one road trip in my life when I was in high school, I didn't have much experience in how to do these things. I would learn on the way. I did have a bottle of wine which I opened and poured myself a glass. I had never been much of a television junkie, so I put some cds in the player and listened to music as I reorganized some things.

Finally, at 9:00, I took out my new laptop and booted it up. I clicked on the word processor and I was staring at the rest of my life: a blank page.

Then I wrote:

May 1, Day 1 Somewhere in west Texas. I didn't pay attention to the name of the town I passed through last.

Nine hours ago, I put Ellen on a plane to I don't know where. My last words to her after I gave her a kiss were, "That is not a good bye kiss. That is a 'Have a safe journey' kiss. The next one will be a 'Welcome back' kiss." Do I really believe that? Or do I just want to believe that. She has been literally next to me every single day of my life for the past twenty years. The number of nights that we haven't slept next to each other is probably less than a dozen. Every night ended with a kiss and the next day started with one. Today, I gave her a good night kiss and I don't know for sure when I will be able to give her a good morning kiss again. I guess it will be May 1, 365 days from now.

For the first 100 miles I kept telling myself that I was the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. Why didn't I just cut my right arm off and put it on a plane? Ellen was my right arm and I was her left. They always held each other. It wasn't like it was a security blanket or a pacifier; it was simply that they belonged together.

The next hundred miles was less bizarre but perhaps more telling. I was watching the highway. Literally, I was focusing on the highway. I passed through towns and ranch land and never saw anything but the road. Then I began noticing the turn offs to other roads. Where did they go? Why didn't I turn off and follow that road instead of the road I was on. An image came to mind of a spider web. Each thread went from somewhere to somewhere else but wherever you were, you could always go back to where you started. One thread would lead to another and then another and eventually, you would come back to where you started. I saw that the spider web was like the highway. I could turn off anywhere, but I could always get back to the road I was on. That idea made me feel good until something jumped into the middle of image. It was the damn spider. You had to go around the spider to get back and the spider was always moving and she was quick. I forced myself to shut that image off. I don't want to become acquainted with the spider.

Now I am sitting somewhere that I don't know where; I am alone. I don't have my right arm. The sun will come up in the morning and I won't give or get a good morning kiss. I don't even know if I will sleep tonight. I mean why? We sleep to prepare us for tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a way for twenty four hours to click off on the clock.

Good fucking night.

May 4, Day 4, Somewhere in Arizona, I think.

Ok, the spider web got me to turn off the highway. Well, actually I just turned off onto another highway. I went to a place that I had heard of, but had never been to. It is called Cloudcroft and I had a strange feeling when I got there. I was driving through the desert and it was hot. I was wearing shorts and a tee shirt when I turned off. I drove up this mountain about twenty miles and came to this great looking village. It looked like it would be an interesting place to have lunch. I parked and got out of the truck and nearly froze to death. It must have been in the 40s and there were patches of snow on the ground. I had gone from May and 90 degrees to February and 40 degrees in less than thirty minutes. I know that it was the mountain, but it seemed like time had gone backwards three months. I didn't eat there. I drove the thirty minutes back down and it was May again. I was where I should be. Still, I am going to put this on a list of places I want to share with Ellen. Maybe we can come in the summer and then again in the winter. That would be different.

The next day I was in Taos, not the town itself but the Pueblo outside of town. Everyone talks about how fascinating the mud and adobe building is and it is interesting but, it is just a building. What caught my eye were two women; it looked like they were mother and daughter or something. The older woman sat and ground corn into meal while the other one mixed some oil and water with the meal and made a paste. She patted it between her hands and then put it on a rock in an oven. A few minutes later, she turned it over. Then she took it out and put it in a bowl on top of the oven to keep warm and she did it again. I must have watched them for thirty minutes. I was fascinated that there was a bag of corn kernels and a woman did something and it was corn meal. A minute later, the meal was a paste and then a piece of like pie dough and then it was a tortilla. Two women turned corn kernels into a tortilla while I watched them do it. Amazing! There was no way that the kernels would ever be anything but kernels until these two women working effortlessly turned them into something else. The younger woman noticed me watching them and handed me one of the warm tortillas. I will never eat a store bought tortilla ever again. I may have to learn how to do that myself, but damn that was good.

This morning, I stood on the rim of the Grand Canyon. It really is impressive, but it is also just a hole in the ground cut by a big creek. I wonder if in a couple of million years the Trinity River will look like that. Probably not; there are too many tires in it for erosion to do much.

So I am in a road side park tonight trying to decide if I will go north or west tomorrow. I even cooked something on my stove tonight. I ate half of it and threw the rest away. I'll get breakfast early tomorrow. I am thinking I will go north. If I go west, by tomorrow night I will run out of land and be staring at the world's biggest bathtub. I'm not ready for a bath yet.

May 7, Day 7, Anywhere but Las Vegas

I stopped in Las Vegas and wasted twenty four hours of my life in total frustration. What a waste of time, energy, and money. I got there at ten in the morning and drove around for an hour and was thoroughly unimpressed. It looks like a dusty city with no reason to exist. I checked onto one of the hotels; not one of the big ones on the strip, but a smaller one near downtown. I went to the room and fell asleep. I woke up after dark and looked outside. It was like someone had built a new place while I was sleeping. I couldn't see any dust because of all of the lights. I walked down the street to find a restaurant and all I found was restaurants that you had to walk past slot machines to get to a table. There were Laundromats that had slot machines in them. Even the grocery stores had them. I finally found a place to eat; I think that I will eat my own cooking from now on.

I wandered around and decided that if I want to start another business, I am going to set up a table on a street corner with a sign that says "Chance of a Lifetime." When someone comes up, I'll tell him to give me a dollar and when I get fifty dollars, I will give one of them twenty five dollars. I'll bet that at least one person will give me fifty dollars and when I give him twenty five back, he will walk away happy with his good luck.

I left the next morning. I added another column on my list of places to share with Ellen a place for places to avoid. There is now one place on that list.

I checked the map and north is just more desert, so I turned west again. That afternoon I was in California and was driving passed rows and rows of tomatoes and other crops. Hell, this was still the desert, but it grew the things that we eat every day and never think a thing about it. I stopped and spent some time just looking at a row of beautiful tomatoes and was entranced until a man walked up to me. He asked if I was lost. I told him that I was just looking at how nice his tomatoes looked. He asked if I was a gardener. I told him that the only thing I could grow was dead plants. He laughed.

Then he told me something that I am still thinking about. He said that there was nothing he or I could do to make something grow. I looked at him wondering what he meant.

Then he said, "I buy a bag of seeds and plant them. They won't do a damn thing until they are ready. I can feed them, water them, sing to them, and nothing will happen until the temperature is right. Then they will grow. If it rains regularly, they will grow and bear fruit. If no one picks them, they with ripen, wither, and then fall off back onto the ground. If the flowers were pollinated, next year they will grow again when the temperature is right. They will keep on doing that for a long time all by themselves. The only things I can do are to help them out a little. If it doesn't rain, I can water them. If it gets too hot, I can put a shade over them. When the fruit is ripe, I can pick them and give you something to eat or the birds will eat them. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do to get a plant to grow. It is like we are a junior partner with Mother Nature. Nature does all of the hard work; we just take care of a few details." I'm not sure what this means, but I am thinking about it.

You wanted a journal of my journey. Here is the first week. I don't know what in here makes sense, but this is what I have seen and done.

I read over what I had written that week and made a couple changes and corrections. I had survived my first week. That is a good thing, I guess. I wondered how Ellen's first week went. I put that question away. When I let myself think about her, I miss her. When I just look at what is in front of me, I can get by. I think that I will just make notes each day and write up the whole week on Saturday. I am sure that they don't want to read all my ramblings.

May 8, Week 2, On the coast in southern Washington

Ok, week 2 is under my belt. I came up through the wine country and stopped at a number of wineries. They all pretty much look the same. It is odd that they all grow the same grapes, using the same soil and water, and yet the wine they produce is all different. I mean it is mostly the same, but one tastes fruity and another tastes nutty. Some are sweet and others are tart. I now have three cases in the camper. I'm going to make notes on each one as I drink them and see what I can tell about them.

I had an interesting moment in Oregon on Thursday. I stopped for lunch in a village on the coast and afterwards I walked down the beach for a ways and came on a group of big canoes on the shore. This guy was sitting there repairing one. I stopped to watch him work. I gueseds that he was a native because he was working on a wooden canoe and was tying a seat back into place with reed. I wondered why he was doing that when he could use nylon and it would last forever.