All Comments on 'Swack'

You choose phrases that express every sensation, every emotion, so vividly. Makes me want to text my lover so he can read this right now!

And now my editor mode kicks in...I offer these corrections to you with respect, to help your future writing (and don't worry; I did give you 5 stars)...also, I realize it's entirely possible that you already know all this, and maybe were just too caught up in the emotions to focus on details like this as you wrote.

1. final period at end of a sentence goes inside the quotation marks

2. "course" through my veins (not "coarse")

3. all of my "cells" (should be plural)

4. "giving in" to the panic (not "giving into" - although later when you "relax into" the thick clouds, that usage is correct)...also, based on the context, I think it should be "focused on NOT giving in to the panic"

5. "bear down" (not "bare," the way you might "bare your soul")

6. more violent in nature "than" any flick (not "then")

7. "every day" is almost always two words except when used as an adjective (e.g., "these everyday moments are my favorites" but "I desire him every day")

Your use of capitalization and punctuation within sentences is unconventional, but I do the same thing sometimes so I don't have any issue with that.

Please don't take offense at my "red-inking" of this story - I really, REALLY enjoyed it, which is why I took the time to comment in so much detail.

What Calypso said, not what the first anon said. I usually don't like scenes that are trimmed so tightly. I like getting all of the W questions answered and answered fully. However, you have done a bang-up job of filling this with description and emotion. It would be great to have more of these set during different activities.

I loved this, exactly as it is; a snapshot in time that is both concise and delivered from the heart. What a fabulous submission.

HxB