Tai's Story Ch. 01

So there I was standing staring open mouthed at my wife as she stood in our bedroom doorway looking equally as stunned as me. Why? Well because I was standing there dressed in her underwear.

I could see the absolute horror on her face. She looked like she was going to faint. She bumped against the doorframe as she reeled and staggered out towards the kitchen.

I ripped off her lingerie and pulled on my shorts and T-shirt and ran stumbling after her.

I found her leaning back against the breakfast bar staring into space.

I was stuck, I could see the hurt and pain etched deeply into her face, she was in total shock. What could I say? "I am sorry love."

She turned slowly and I could see the tears forming in her eyes, "Tai what was that all about? Why were you wearing my clothes?"

How did it come to this?

From a very early age I was always a bit of a misfit. I grew up in foster homes after my mother was hospitalised for alcoholism and later drug addiction. I did live with my grandmother for a while but she was too old to take care of me so I started being handed from family to family in the foster system. Even as a kid I wasn't a big guy. So whatever I did I had to try harder, run faster, punch harder. I always pushed the boundaries. When I played rugby because of my size I played halfback which was perfect. But I played more like a loose forward, always in the thick of the play buried under a mass of bodies. If there was a fight I was the first one there throwing punches with the best of them.

When I was with my mates swimming down at the local river and someone suggested we jump off the bridge, everyone else was to scared but me, I just jumped I didn't care. When I was riding my motorcycle I had to be the fastest. I never backed off when out riding with my mates. The throttle was always on the stopper and nothing less than flat out was good enough for me. If somebody managed to get in front of me I just went harder, never scared to overtake on the outside I pushed everything to the limit.

I remember being out with some mates. We had been to a party and were heading home my car full of laughing singing drunks. As we approached a railway level crossing the lights flashed indicating a train was coming. I could see the headlights steaming towards the crossing. I laughed and accelerated. All the other guys were suddenly quiet. I am sure they had their eyes closed as we slipped across the railway lines with the train roaring past behind us with its horn bellowing. Strangely they didn't want to go anywhere with me after that.

It was like I always had to prove something. I had to prove to them I was tougher, that I was the fastest. I ran with a wild bunch and we were always in trouble with the law. It was never anything serious just stupid juvenile trouble making, fighting and drinking. I chased girls with the best of them and I nailed my fair share.

When I look back on this period of my life I realise all of the fighting and macho behaviour was me trying to cover up my deep feelings of insecurity. I had these deep seated emotions that were tearing me apart from the inside. The inner turmoil just extrapolated into violence. Why? God I don't know I just felt so hollow and empty all the time. Something was missing from my life I just didn't know what. I knew something wasn't right I knew it I just couldn't figure it out, but like every guy I just tried harder. Only sissies cry...

All that came to an abrupt end when I discovered that Lucinda Barret was interested in me. I found out through one of my mates girlfriends. Lucinda was the hottest girl in town. She was the girl every red blooded male in town dreamed about at night. I reckon every guy in town fucked her at night in their dreams. I don't know how she could walk straight. She was way out of my league... Way out. I had never considered her as anything more than a fantasy. The Barret's were white and from the expensive end of town. Her father was the president of the rugby club. He was Head of the volunteer fire brigade and a member of rotary. In short he was really well respected and a community leader. Me I was nothing more than the young Maori larrikin trying to date his daughter. The poor bastard it was his worst nightmare exploding right before his very eyes. I think it was fair to say at the time he hated me.

Away from her friends and family Lucinda was a not quite so respectable. She was a little cock tease. She had set her sights she was locked and loaded and I was her target. Once I realised she was chasing me I played things a bit cool and made her wait for it. When it happened it was the end for me. She had my heart.

Every single one of my mates was jealous. Lucinda was a babe. Everywhere we went guys stared enviously at her. I am sure that every single one of my mates wanted to bang her and would have hit on her except for my reputation for violence.

When we announced our engagement her parents were far from ecstatic. I think her father was going to have a fit. I was not what they wanted or expected for their daughter. There was not one single thing I could say or do to convince them otherwise.

Once I made the decision that I wanted her in my life I knew I was going to have to change my ways. So I did, I kept my nose clean I got a proper job, and I stopped running around with my drunken mates. With hard work and endeavour eventually I won them over. At work I put my head down and my arse up and I worked harder than I ever had in my life. I worked at a local pulp and paper mill as a process worker and it was hard physical work. I never turned down chances of overtime or opportunities I never took sick days I was always early and stayed later than required. That hard work paid dividends and I was offered an adult apprenticeship as an electrician.

That was just the impetus I needed, I had a foot in the door. Luce and I were in love and she was behind me 100%. We were married soon after and I set about doing everything in my power to give Luce everything she could ever want. We brought a house and a new car. We were barely moved into our new house when she fell pregnant. The bad news was she had to give up work. That meant longer hours for me, but I took it in my stride and never shirked I faced up to my responsibilities. The arrival of our first born was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I helped with the birth cutting the umbilical cord and holding Luce's hand as our baby girl Talia was passed over to us. It was such an amazing humbling experience that we decided our cute little baby girl needed a playmate. Our second child Tane arrived soon after.

Following their arrival the sense of being a father weighed me down even more. I wanted my children to have everything. I worked hard trying to live up to what I saw as the expectations of being a father.

My whole life seemed to be a battle to prove I was the man. It was a strange period, the harder I tried the more difficult it became. Inside I was swirling vortex of emotions. I wanted to be like Luce's Dad. I wanted to be the man. My problem is that deep down inside I never quite felt that way. Even when I was young I had never been comfortable in my skin. I always felt inadequate, that I was never quite measuring up. I had this inner conflict and it drove my unease and feelings of inadequacy and perhaps even resentment. It was that discomfort which fuelled my desire to push every boundary.

By the time we had been married twelve years and I was coming up to my thirty fifth birthday the feelings of unease were getting harder to push back into the shadows. The feelings that I had been pushing down were beginning to surface on a more regular basis. It wasn't an overnight thing it was gradual and imperceptible at first but as time drifted by I noticed that I was changing.

Our sex life although satisfying wasn't stellar. Since the birth of the kids it had gradually diminished. Yes I know it's part of being in a relationship but I missed having regular sex. We had lost the earth moving explosive spontaneous bits of our sex life. I was sure that Luce probably felt the same but I could not find a way to talk to her about it. She was so ensconced in her role as mother she seemed happy. I had always had a vivid imagination and when I was younger I had pretty wild fantasies and now with our almost non-existent sex life they came flooding back and I wanted more sexually than Luce was prepared to give. The few times I suggested anything kinky Luce got upset and called me a pervert. She definitely wasn't going down that road. I wanted to try some of these things but Luce on the other hand was buried in being a mum. She spent a lot of time with her family who loved their Grandchildren. Luce loved the fact that her parents had finally accepted me and wanted to be so involved with our lives.

Our sex life was sinking drowning in a murky swamp of kids work and family commitments. I pushed back and started to stop going to some family stuff. Idle hands as they say find mischief. When I found time to be alone I found that watching porn on the net was my go to, my saving grace if you like. Masturbation sitting in front of the computer filled the sexual void left by our failing sex life. As I watched ever increasing amounts of porn I stumbled unconsciously upon transsexuals and crossdressers. From then on whenever I got the chance I gravitated more towards those sites and I started to imagine that it was me in those videos.

When I watched I got the urge and I can't explain why but I started wearing Luce's panties as I masturbated. It was thrilling and exciting and for a while it was all I needed. After a while it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I started wearing her pantyhose. I loved the feel of the nylon hose wrapped around my cock as I stroked myself. God the feeling of the nylon stretched tightly around my cock was just so dirty and made me feel so fucking horny. I especially loved it as my spunk oozed out through the hose.

No matter how often I managed to get by myself it was never enough, I couldn't wait for her to take the kids to her folks place. The moment they were gone I dived into her wardrobe. I loved her lingerie best, nighties and bra's. I loved it.

I started watching video clips about dressing including makeup and dress styles.

Before long every chance I got I was wearing her clothes. The moment I pulled on one of her petticoats or dresses I was immediately at peace with myself and I was happy. The world seemed to slow down to my pace and for that brief moment in time all was well with the world.

So that's how I got caught. I wasn't expecting Luce home for a couple of hours. The kids were at her parents and she was supposed to be shopping with her friends.

I would like to say it was a pivotal moment and Luce was excited and supportive. The truth however was far different. As we stood facing each other in the kitchen she started to scream. Not your usual husband and wife fight. She exploded screaming at me like a deranged banshee spittle flying as she screeched wildly at me. The look on her face was nothing less than pure hatred and worst of all there was disgust and maybe even revulsion.

She shrieked. "You're a fucking pervert, a fucking homo and a queer." She kicked me out there and then. She screamed at me as I walked out towards my car. "Just get the fuck out you dirty little cunt, just fuck off and never come back." I tried to talk to her to explain but she wasn't listening she just wanted to tell the world and vent.

I picked up some gear and drove away. I found a motor camp and booked a room. It took me a couple of days to gather the courage to go home.

Luce was at least calm and we sat down and I tried to explain that I had always had this bubbling away inside me. But lately I was struggling and could no longer hold it back.

"Tai should I be worried? Have you been having sex with men? Are you fucking gay?"

I breathed deeply. "No Luce I am not gay. I just like dressing up in woman's clothes. I know it sounds ridiculous and you won't believe me. Shit I barely believe it myself but it is just a release."

She shook her head wildly. "I don't believe you Tai. Why would you dress in women's clothes if you didn't want to attract men? I would prefer you to be honest with me."

"Luce you have to believe me I am being honest. I am not gay. I have never so much as looked at another guy."

She cried and sobbed she was broken and nothing I said could ease that pain.

We agreed to try and make it work and for a few weeks we did but as the days drifted by Luce became more and more distant. She became diffident and isolated from me. We didn't have sex that's for sure. There was no way she was letting me put my cock back in her, inside I am sure she thought I had been fucking guys. Apart from the no sex rule she never left me alone. She was with me every single moment, well physically at least but I think mentally, she had switched off and was somewhere else entirely. I am sure the only reason she stayed close to me was to make sure I wasn't dressing in her clothes.

We tried but it wasn't working and the harder I tried the worse it got. It had to happen I could see it coming like a slow motion movie scene with a huge steam roller trundling ever so slowly towards me. It was inevitable really and it came to a head as you would expect and she kicked me out for good.

Luce was adamant. "You can't stay here I don't want the kids to know, or see you like that. I mean what if the kids had walked in and found you that day? What would they think? The other thing is I am not sure I can face living like that either." She couldn't hold my gaze. "I am sorry Tai but as much as I love you I can't live like this. It's just not healthy."

So I packed up my belongings and moved out. It was hard. It was like my heart had been ripped out. I could have happily walked under a bus. It would have been less painful. For days I did nothing but cry, I didn't want to I wanted to be strong, I had always tried to be the rock, the anchor. Here I was curled up on my bed crying like a fucking baby. I felt worse as Luce had also stopped me from seeing the kids. The few times she did let me it was only with her supervising. It made me feel like shit we argued and fought bitterly. It all came flooding to the surface and I exploded. "Fuck Luce I am not a fucking pervert or sex criminal."

"Fuck you Tai you piece of shit you are a fucking queer pervert. Fuck you wear my fucking clothes for god's sake. Fuck knows what other perverted shit you get up to. You are never seeing the children by yourself."

The vitriol, the look on her face the loathing and disgust. It hurt, it hurt a lot. I stumbled away from that fight with my head spinning and hating myself more than I ever had. She was right I am a fucking sicko. Fuck men don't wear women's clothes. I am a pervert.

When I got back to my unit I curled up in a ball and cried. Of course she was right. I decided there and then to put it all behind me and never do it again.

After that fight she went public with it. She told her parents about my crossdressing and of course word got around and I became a laughing stock. This is a small country town this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. All of my friends abandoned me well all except one that is. Pete and I had been friends since school. We had grown up together, we were in the same classes, and we played for the same rugby team. He was my best mate. Everyone else though avoided me like the plague. I was ostracised by the whole community ridiculed and mocked wherever I went. People openly laughed at and taunted me. I couldn't even go to the pub because it always ended in a fight. I decided the only thing to do was move.

I moved to Wellington found a small flat and set about trying to figure out what was happening with me. I desperately wanted to get Luce and the kids back. I wanted my family back but she wouldn't have it. I hired a solicitor to try and gain some visitation rights, but it was expensive and my new job didn't pay as much as I used to get. I was still paying the mortgage and giving Luce enough money to live on. That didn't leave much for extras such as a solicitor. So after several months of trying I gave up. I begged and pleaded with Luce but in the end she wouldn't even talk to me. Every time I called her she hung up or I had to talk to her father. She filed for divorce after I tried to get child visitation rights. She said it was to protect the children but I felt it was just to make it final.

Her parents were dead against me and were driving her to have nothing more to do with me. My own family were long since passed away so at least I was saved that ignominy. The only surviving member of my family was my older brother who I hadn't seen in over fifteen years. I didn't even know where he lived.

While we battled I put aside my desires and tried to bury them so I could try to win back my life. Once I realised that that ship had sailed it at least made decisions on my future easy. My life as I knew it was over. My only avenue of contact with my children was letters. I wrote to them every day and slowly they started to write back. Luce obviously vetted them before she passed them on but at least I could stay in touch with them. I never was allowed to speak to them, or see them but at least they knew I cared and that it wasn't my doing that I wasn't visiting them.

Living alone made it hard. I came home to an empty flat after work and I had no friends or even anyone to talk to. I ended up watching porn, tranny porn of course and before long the urges returned with a vengeance. I fought to control them but it was hopeless. In my mind I rationalised it. Who cares? Its only me now" So at first it was just the panties but that grew to include pantyhose and before you know it I had a wardrobe full of clothes and lingerie and I was dressing every night. Now with no fear of being found out I went further. First it was the lipstick.. Oh god that felt heavenly the smooth velvety texture and the feel of my tongue sliding over it was pure sensuality. The taste and smell. That was it I was addicted. The lipstick grew into full on make overs and I spent hours getting it just right.

At night while I was dressed it was fabulous and fun but the next day I always woke with horrible self-hatred and loathing. I couldn't understand the urges and I couldn't control them. The harder I tried to resist the deeper I fell. I decided I needed help or I was afraid I was going to harm myself. I found a psychologist and started having sessions to help me understand.

My psychologist Cynthia worked at building my self-esteem and confidence she saw that as the root of my problems. When we talked about my history she recognised that all my super macho behaviour was just me over compensating because I didn't feel confident in my skin. We talked about my crossdressing and she came to life when we discussed it. She encouraged me to experiment. Her opinion was I needed to find out if that desire to cross-dress was real or just a manifestation of my low self-esteem as a man. If that was really what I wanted then she could help. First I had to decide whether that is what I wanted or if it was just something I was blaming for my low self-esteem issues. With her help I realised that I wasn't the only one, there were millions of people living worldwide who felt the same way. It wasn't deviant or disgusting it was just different. At least I lost the urge to self harm.

I started to spend more and more time dressed. I was still too scared to go out in public. There was still a feeling of guilt and embarrassment I guess I wasn't fully committed to this journey. I was just dipping my toes in the water.

Within a couple of months Pete called me. "Mate I have some bad news. Luce is seeing Greg. He is bragging to everyone that he is shagging her. I am sorry to be the one to tell you mate but I thought you needed to know."