Tales from the Stream Ch. 24

"It's a label," said Jade.

"Label?" said Amaliya. "For what?"

"To tell you what songs are on it."

"Songs?" said Lenore.

"See these grooves?" Jade gestured to the large black area of the record. "It's music. You lay this disc on a machine called a turntable and it plays the music recorded in those grooves."

"Music?" Lenore's mouth hung open. "And pictures? Serendipity!" Lenore threw her arms around Captain Jade. "What treasures you have uncovered. How can I hear this music?"

"Well, you..." said Jade, "you need a turntable. You lay the record on it and... Ho... ly... Shit..."

While Jade sat with her jaw hanging open, Lenore and Amaliya turned their heads in the direction she was staring.

Captain Joan had emerged from the Returns and Third-Party Marketplace. She was flanked by Moira, Alma, and Novice Hame, and wearing a full-length fur coat with a commodore's hat perched on her head.

Time seemed to slow as the trio approached.

"Damn, girl." Amaliya whistled. "Lookin' good!"

"You like?" said Joan, standing with her legs open to shoulder's width and arms spread wide with fingers splayed.

Amaliya turned her gaze to Jade. "And you thought your watch was piratey."

"What happened to the evils of capitalism?" muttered Jade.

"This is classy," said Amaliya.

Captain Jade stood up and bowed in Joan's direction, adding a flourish by rolling her hand in the air. "I am but an apprentice bargain hunter," she said. "You, Captain Joan, are the true master."

"It's not real fur," said Joan, blushing, "but I like it."

"This is not real either," said Novice Hame, clutching a crocodile purse, but I like it. She let the hand holding the crocodile purse drop to her side and rested her head on Joan's shoulder.

Joan tossled Novice Hame's hair and then settled her eyes on Lenore's Meat is Murder T-shirt. "Nice," she said, holding both index fingers out with thumbs pointed skyward.

"I got record albums, too," said Lenore. "Pictures with music. Except we don't have a turntable for the music part. Perhaps we should go back inside and look for one."

"No need," said Joan. "That's what's great about Heart of Borneo. Any music you buy has a free streaming option."

"Free... Streaming..."

"You can play the music without the turntable," said Joan.

"Serendipity," said Lenore, throwing her arms around Captain Joan.

"I hate to be a killjoy," said Amaliya, "but don't you need a Borneo Prime membership for the streaming option? Are you ready to sacrifice yourself on the altar of commerce for free streaming? You bought the recordings, but now you have to pay a monthly fee to hear them."

"Oh, ye of little faith. That's why God invented the free trial period," said Joan. Then, glancing to Novices Hame and Lenore, "No offense, sisters."

"None taken."

Amaliya held out her arms, palms facing up. "And just where do we get this free trial?" She wiggled her fingers in the air above her head as she said the word free.

"At the customer service kiosk," said Joan, pointing to a large flat-panel screen near the Returns and Third-Party Marketplace entrance. "Over there."

Returns and Third-Party Marketplace Entrance

As Captain Joan approached the kiosk, an image of a stern man in a black robe and barrister's wig filled the screen.

"All purchases are subject to the following terms and conditions as laid out in the Heart of Borneo acceptable use policy and merchandise return policy," the image droned. "All purchases made in the Returns and Third-Party Marketplace are further subject to the following stipulations. Part one, paragraph three, subsection--"

"Let me stop you right there, Perry Mason," said Joan. "We're not interested in a return. No, siree. We are here to inquire about the coveted Heart of Borneo Prime membership."

"Well, in that case..." The man disappeared, replaced a moment later by a petite anime girl, in a short, pleated plaid skirt, white blouse with puffy short sleeves, and a crimson tie.

"Hiiii!" said the anime girl. Her over-sized eyes blinked once. "Are you here for a Borneo Prime membership?"

"Indeed, we are." Captain Joan smiled and puffed up her chest, holding her left hand over her heart and extending her right in the direction of the kiosk.

"The benefits of Prime membership are myriad. Not only do you get free shipping on all purchases, but you also enjoy a selection of free streaming entertainment, including movies, music, and--"

"Imma stop you at music," said Joan. "We're interested in streaming some recent purchases."

"Myriad," mumbled Amaliya. "Who talks like that?"

Joan put her finger over her lips and shot Amaliya a glare.

"Of course," said the anime girl, undeterred. "And how would you be paying today?"

"Did you just shush me?" grumbled Amaliya. "You shushed me."

"We were hoping to maybe take it for a test drive first," said Joan. "See what kind of streaming options you have--"

"And free shipping," said the anime girl. "Over seventy percent of our customers say Heart of Borneo Prime pays for itself in free shipping during the first three months of membership." She blinked once.

"Right, free shipping. But we're kind of new to all this Borneo Prime stuff and we'd really like to see the selection of streaming content before we commit."

"Of course," said the anime girl, "trial membership it is, then. Just a moment..."

Anime Girl's image was replaced by gruff barrister man, who began to intone the terms and conditions. "Part one, paragraph A, subsection one..." he droned.

Two hours later

"Sweet baby Jesus." Joan wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. "I never thought we'd get through that."

Joan then turned to Novice Hame hanging on her right arm. "No offense, sister," said Joan.

"None taken." Novice Hame wrapped both arms around Captain Joan's bicep and laid her head on Joan's shoulder. She sighed as she nuzzled the soft faux fur of Joan's coat.

"Who's ready for some free streaming?" Joan looked around.

"Shouldn't we wait for the rest of the girls?" asked Amaliya. "It's a big place. We don't want to get separated.

"Absolutely right." Captain Jade perked up. "Everybody has a buddy. And we need to make sure we stick together."

"Here they come," said Lenore.

All eyes turned to the throng exiting the Returns and Third-Party Marketplace.

In the lead was Moira, clad in a floofy tie-dyed skirt and baby doll T-shirt emblazoned with Summer of Love '69 in psychedelic lettering surrounding a central blooming flower. Her emotional support crab had been decorated with multiple thumbprints of various paint colors, applied in the shape of flowers, and rode atop her head like a metallic flower tiara.

Moira twirled once.

"I like it," said Amaliya.

"Sixty-nine," snickered Jade.

Moira was followed followed by Alma, sporting knee-length cargo shorts and a T-shirt proclaiming, 'Shaka, When the Walls Fell', under a humanoid alien with vaguely reptilian facial features, standing on a pile of rubble playing a low-slung electric guitar.

Alma's emotional support crab peered up out of one of the cargo pockets on her shorts.

"Classic," said Joan.

"I'm not sure I get it," said Amaliya.

The next girl to emerge was Cora. She had traded her Takahashi-Ono coveralls for a Pink Floyd T-shirt featuring a central triangle with a single line entering on the right and a rainbow emerging on the left. Her emotional support crab was riding on her shoulder.

"Vintage, man," said Jade. "Totally vintage."

The next girl, Janine, appeared in a shirt with 'Be Gay, Do Crimes' written in large, rainbow colored lettering that appeared to be freshly spray painted, with drips and all. She was holding her head high and smiling.

Janine looked to the crab on her shoulder and held up the flat of her hand. The two met, palm to pincer, in a high-five.

"That one I get," said Amaliya. "Nice choice."

Janine marched up to Amaliya and gave her a hug. She then moved to Jade for an embrace. "Thanks for letting us use your Dogecoin wallet, Captain," she whispered.

"Make sure I get the receipts," said Jade. "I owe Amaliya a donation."

Janine shrugged and dug around in her bag.

Five more girls emerged with their five novice escorts and five emotional support crabs. All had traded their coveralls and jumpsuits for vintage, silk-screened T-shirts. Two of them were sporting matching, 'I visited Heart of Borneo Prime and all I got was this lousy shirt' T-shirts and grinning madly. They all took turns hugging Joan, and Jade, and Amailya.

Captain Jade looked around the group and their smiling faces. She opened her mouth to speak.

"Okay, everybody," said Captain Joan. "Gather 'round. Make sure you have your buddy. We need to stick together."

"That's..." Captain Jade slumped her shoulders, and turning to Amaliya said, "That's my line... I'm supposed to..."

"It's okay, honey." Amaliya hooked her arm in the crook of Jade's elbow. "You did good today. Look at all the smiles. Why don't you show me your watch, again, okay?"

Jade stood tall and puffed her chest. "You mean my pirate watch?"

"Mm-hmm." Amaliya nodded.

"Check it out." Jade opened the cover and pointed to the larger of the two hands. The hand ticked over to the net position. "Did you see that?"

"It moved."

"No batteries required," said Jade, fiddling with the winder at the top under the loop. "It's missing the chain that keeps it secure. I think that's why it was on clearance."

"Maybe you can find one in Prime," said Amaliya. She gazed at the large, geodesic dome looming in the distance.

"Maybe," said Jade.

Inside the Prime Dome

"This place is fucking crazy," said Jade, her mouth hanging open. "Look at all this stuff."

"It's bigger on the inside!" said Lenore, staring at the peak. "It must be kilometers across."

Amaliya hmphed once and held her finger and thumb at arm's length while closing the distance between her digits to the point where only a small sliver of light remained. "Nobody builds something this massive without compensating for something," she said. "And that something is... Anyone? Anyone--?"

"Free movies!" Jade pointed to the giant screens around the perimeter of the domes. "Just like Anime Girl said. Look baby, they have Alien. You ever see Alien? You need to see it. It's a classic."

Amaliya dropped her hand and sighed.

Jade put the back of her hand against the center of her chest, fingers and thumb pressed together like a bird's beak. Violently, she threw her hand forward, while simultaneously arching her back, convulsing, and spreading her fingers wide while hissing.

Amaliya rolled her eyes. "I'll pass."

"And there's the second one!" exclaimed Joan, pointing to another screen. "It's even better than the first. Oh, you're gonna love it. Let's get some popcorn and... Oh." Joan hung her head. "Oh."

Jade hissed one last time, dropped her hand to her side, turned to Joan and said, "What?"

"There's a fee."

"A fee?" said Jade. "I thought this was Heart of Borneo Prime. Didn't the little Anime Girl say we got free streaming with Borneo Prime?"

"I guess this is one of those special cases," said Joan. "Part twelve, paragraph C, sub-section five. Dang."

"Fucking capitalists," muttered Amaliya. "See? Fucking capitalists throwing up a paywall around the common experience that is humanity's culture. Hoarding it away and charging admission. And for what?"

"And guess who's back," mumbled Jade.

Amaliya held her hand skyward in a fist before she brought her thumb and index finger out with only a centimeter of space between them. Shaking her fist to punctuate her words, she said, "To compensate for their small penises, that's what."

"But..." said Jade. "You didn't even want to see the first Alien movie, baby."

"That's not the point." Amaliya held her thumb and finger at a centimeter's width while shaking her hand in the air above her three times, before once again muttering, "Small penises."

Jade wrapped her arm around Amaliya's waist and pulled her close. "Maybe we should just listen to Lenore's records and go."

"What?" said Joan. "And miss all this..." Joan extended her arms and twirled around once. "Stuff?"

"It's just a trial membership," said Jade. "We're not really missing out if we don't do everything on the list."

"Fucking capitalists," muttered Amaliya, wrapping her arms around herself and shaking.

"Besides," said Jade, tilting her head in Amaliya's direction. "I think we need to find Lenore's songs while we're all still in reasonably good spirits."

Two hours later

"I never realized how much I was missing out on by never experiencing Brazilian Jazz," said Lenore, clutching her record albums to her chest. "I think maybe I am a little bit in love with Flora Purim."

"I think Avi Cohen was my jam," said Jade. "Very cinematic."

"Alison Goldfrapp in a commodore's hat," sighed Moira. "Now I have a golden voice to pair with the memory of that beautiful head of blonde curls."

"You can borrow the record album anytime you like," said Lenore.

Moira reached out and squeezed Lenore's hand. "Thanks."

"Captain Joan?" said Jade. "Is everyone present and accounted for?"

"Aye, Captain Jade."

"Shall we?"

"Let's."

The knot of women in various T-shirts, their Novice buddies, and their emotional support crabs wandered toward the perimeter of the dome where they had entered. Trickling into two single file lines, they joined the back of the queue passing through the turnstiles.

"Captain Joan," said Janine. "Mine's not working." She put both hands on the turnstile and pushed. It wouldn't budge.

"You can hop over to my line," said Joan.

"Captain Joan," said Alma. "Mine's not working either."

"Just give it a good shove," said Joan. She put her hands on her own turnstile in front of her to demonstrate. "Hey," she said. "It's stuck."

"Mine too," said Jade. "What the actual...?"

From directly above the row of turnstiles where Captain Jade and crew stood trying to exit, a quad-copter drone swooped down. Slung underneath it was a display panel about thirty centimeters across, and on the display panel was the smiling face of Borneo Prime's Anime Girl.

"Oops," said Anime Girl, blushing. "It looks like someone forgot to pay their Prime membership. We have several methods of payment available. You can use--"

"Wait, what?" said Jade.

Amaliya said nothing, just shook her head.

"Listen, sister," said Joan to the image of Anime girl. "We have a free trial membership. You were there. You signed us up."

"That was a ninety-minute trial," said Anime Girl. "You have been enjoying all that Borneo Prime has to offer for over three and a half hours."

"Yeah?" Joan shrugged. "So we got carried a little away. There's a lot of stuff here. Now if you could just let us--"

Anime Girl disappeared from the flat panel display and was replaced by Barrister Man. "Please refer to section seventeen, paragraph six, sub-paragraph A of your Borneo Prime free trial membership agreement."

Amaliya shook her head.

Barrister Man continued droning on. "This section specifically states--"

"Fuck that," said Amaliya. She took a quick glance at Janine's 'Be Gay, Do Crimes' T-Shirt and jumped the turnstile in front of her. She raised her fist skyward. "Small dick motherfuckers."

"In this case, I tend to agree," said Captain Jade. "Everybody this way." She laced her fingers together and held her hands down low, offering a foothold for the Moira as she approached.

"That's it," said Joan, taking Moira's arm as Moira cleared the turnstile.

The line of young women waiting at the turnstiles quickly turned into a torrent of bodies leaping up and over with the assistance of Captain Jade and Captain Joan.

"Next!" shouted Jade.

No sooner had she said it, than a swarm of quad-copters descended from above, red lights flashing below each rotor. A dozen or so six-wheeled vehicles, with similar flashing red lights began to close in from all sides.

"Let's pick up the pace," said Jade, stooping with her hands together. "Come on, Alma. You're next."

"Lúcia!" shouted Joan. "Where's Lúcia?"

"Here!" said Cora, hustling forward with a harvester crab bouncing around while clinging to the shoulder of her jumpsuit. "She's my buddy. I've got her."

"I'm here, Captain Joan," said Lúcia. She glanced up at the swarm of quad-copters and to the side at the autonomous delivery vehicles that were now rapidly closing the distance with flashing red lights.

Lúcia pressed her hands together and whispered words of prayer under her breath.

"Fucking capitalist dirt bags!" Amaliya shook her fist at the swarm of quad-copters before extending both middle fingers. After her display of defiance, Amaliya took the hands of Moira and Alma, hustling them away.

Captain Jade looked around at the various vehicles closing in from above and around. "Shit," she said, while offering her hands to boost Cora and then Lúcia over the turnstile.

"I know," said Joan, extending her hand to balance them as they went over.

"We're fucked." Captain Jade shook her head as the last of the wheeled vehicles closed the circle around them.

"I know," said Joan.

Two hours later

Jade sat cross-legged on the ground. She held the hands of two novices, who in turn held the hands of their buddies, one of whom held the hand of Captain Joan, in a semi-circle of women and emotional support harvester crabs. Surrounding them from behind were a dozen or so six-wheeled autonomous delivery vehicles forming a tight ring.

Overhead was a quartet of quad-copters all showing identical displays of Barrister Man. "Section eighty-six, paragraph twenty-nine, sub-paragraph C," he droned.

Jade slumped forward, letting her head hang. The quad-copter above her adjusted its altitude until the screen was directly in front of her gaze once again.

"...sub-paragraph D..."

"Fuck," mumbled Jade.

On Jade's shoulder, Reg pushed himself up on all eight legs and turned his eye stalks to the side.

"I'm sorry, buddy," said Jade. "It's my fault were in this mess."

Reg lifted a pincer and tapped at Jade's shoulder.

"Amaliya?" whispered Jade.

"...referring now to section eighty-seven of the Heart of Borneo Prime trial membership agreement..."

Reg tapped some more.

"No shit?" said Jade. She raised her head slowly and turned her eyes to her right.

Crouched behind the turnstiles was Amaliya, surrounded by unfamiliar new faces. Amaliya waved and then made a motion with her hand as if she were patting the air below.

Jade nodded slowly. Looking up almost imperceptibly, she locked eyes on Captain Joan. Jade mouthed the words, "Get ready."

Captain Joan nodded once. She squeezed the hands of the novices sitting next to her. Captain Jade did the same.

A sizzling sound filled the air over head. With a loud pop, the quad-copter carrying Barrister Man began to smoke. In an uncontrolled spiral, it fell from the air, cracking the display panel slung underneath as it hit the ground.

"...sub... sub... para... graph... agree--ee--ee--ment..."

A dozen young men and women dressed in identical black streamed over the turnstiles. Pointing tasers this way and that, they quickly subdued the remaining quad-copters and delivery drones.

"Fuck yeah!" yelled Moira as she stood in the midst of the smoking robotic ruins. "That was sick!"

The taser-wielding group was soon joined by Amaliya and Lúcia. "Sorry to take so long," said Amaliya.

"What just happened?" asked Captain Jade as she stood up and dusted off the legs of her trousers.

"Found some new friends," said Amaliya.

"We're with the union," said a young woman, thrusting her hand toward Jade.