Talisman of Hate

She slowly became aware of her surroundings again and with a deep sigh she lifted her head to see around her. Faintly she felt a hand gently move under her shoulder and as she tried to get upright, it helped her rise to an awkward sitting position, holding her face in her hands while taking slow but deep breaths.

"I'm tired," she said softly and Harry nodded.

"That was intense."

Julie slowly took her hands from her face and looked at him. A tear slowly slid down her cheek and as Harry reached up to wipe it away she angrily slapped his hand away. "Why?" she croaked through clenched teeth.

Harry dropped his gaze. For seconds he toyed with a few leaves of grass and then looked up into the troubled eyes of Julie who had sat there waiting for an answer without making another sound.

"I never...." he started and then held up his hands in a helpless gesture. He shook his head and pulled at a blade of grass. "I was a monster."

"Yes, you were," she wheezed as the remnant of a soft sob escaped."I asked why. Why Harry?

Harry swept at some grass nearby and shook his head before looking up and meeting her gaze. "I promise to tell you why I was such a monster Julie and I know I deserve nothing from you but.... will you please grant me the opportunity to do so when I know I can share it with you at a better time?"

She was incredulous and with a tired sob asked, "The right....the right time?"

He nodded. "Now is the worst time. I know because I know."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head but shrugged and tried to get up. Her balance was badly off and she got to her knees before stumbling into his arms as if he had known she would fall back. Her face was close to his and she saw a strange look in his eyes before he gently held her at arm's length while he got to his feet and steadied her as she awkwardly came upright.

"I feel wobbly," she said softly and promptly sat down again where she dropped her head to her knees. "I'm so thirsty."

"I'd love to bring you some water but I have nothing to carry it in."

"Help me up," Julie begged. "I can drink from the stream, lying on my stomach from that rock over there."

"Like when we were kids," Harry said and then stood there looking at her like a lost dog. The memory had hit him like a blow to the body and he saw Julie turn pale again. He dropped his gaze and croaked; "I'm sorry Julie. Please believe me. I am so sorry."

She slowly rolled to her knees and began to get up by herself but even before she got halfway there, Harry was there with his hands under her arms, steadying. At the water's edge he helped her to the large flat rock in the water and she lay down to drink by sucking water straight into her mouth. She had not done this since childhood and the first mouthful was difficult to swallow but by the third she was drinking well.

With a surprising thirst slaked she slowly rolled to her side and looked up at the cliff, now turning a beautiful orange in the late afternoon. Her mind was still fuzzy and there was a ringing in her ears. She had a throbbing headache as well. She felt Harry's hand on her shoulder and after a glance at him allowed him to help her to her feet.

"We need to start for home," he offered and she nodded.

"I still feel funny."

"I will walk you home Julie."

She shook her head. "That won't be necessary."

Harry simply shrugged, lifted her and with her feebly trying to fight him he walked through the water to the other side of the stream where he put her down on dry land. "Ok, I will walk with you up to the house but I will not go in. I know I am not welcome but it is late and I will not allow you to go by yourself."

Julie wanted to argue but as soon as she took a few steps she felt the grogginess return and she made a grab at Harry to steady herself.

"See?" he chuckled and put his hand under her arm. "Shall we go?"

The footpath was too narrow for both to step in it so Harry walked in the grass next to it, stumbling over unseen holes and rocks but kept his hand around her upper arm, steadying all the time.

"If you fall hard enough I will have to take you home," Julie giggled after she had to save him from falling when he stepped into something like a rabbit hole.

"At least you will be welcome," he muttered and Julie felt the ache of it.

Not far from there they reached a twin farm track and started walking at a brisker pace. "You seem ok now?" Harry grinned and she turned to him.

"The connecting road to your house is just ahead. I am fine now."

He sighed. "I can see that."

In an uncomfortable silence they walked until they came to the junction and Harry grabbed her hands, forcing her to stop and look at him.

"There is a lot that has to be said Julie," he said softly, "but I have an opportunity now to say something to you before our paths split again."

The slanting light from a setting sun caught his eyes and Julie almost smiled at a memory of him looking at her like that many years ago when he promised to marry her when they were grown up. How life had changed. She nodded as an indication that he may speak.

"It will be arrogant of me to ask you to forgive me for what I had done to you. People want this 'forgiveness thing' and then.... just expect everything to go away and be... be forgotten. You never have to forgive me for what I had done Julie. I don't deserve it. All I ask is that you understand that I am deeply sorry for it and I promise on my life that I will never, ever say or do anything to hurt you again."

Not knowing what to say she simply nodded and pulled at her hands to free them. Harry reluctantly let her go and then remained at the junction watching her walk away from him in the gathering dusk. Once she looked back and he waved. Her return wave was slight but at least she did wave back.

***

As she walked into the house Charlotte saw her and took a few hurried steps towards her. "My child, what happened to you?"

Julie curved her eyelid in a question. "Why?"

"You look... haggard." She pointed at Julie. "Your dress.... Did you fall?"

Julie nodded and tiredly sat down. "I killed a monster."

Charlotte giggled. "Was it a green one with spikes or a red one that breathed fire?"

"Harry Cliffendale."

For seconds there was silence and then Charlotte breathed "Oh God," and came around the table to hold Julie's face between her hands.

"What did you do?" she almost screamed.

Julie managed a lame smile as she gently pushed her mother's hands away. "Harry is alive Mom."

"But you said..."

"I killed the monster Mom."

"I do not understand Julie. Stop playing games. What happened?"

Julie took a deep breath. "I went to the crags for some 'me' time and I started to sing. No-one was supposed to be there and I sang as if I was in an opera, acting out the roles. When I finished 'Plaisir d'amour' I turned and Harry was standing there, eavesdropping."

"And?"

"My fury boiled over. I screamed at him and the hounds came loose. I attacked him."

Charlotte put her hand over her mouth. "Attacked?"

"I wanted to wipe him from the face of the earth but all I could do was find a small stone and I threw it at him. Somewhere there I stopped thinking. I think I went mad. I remember running through the stream and hitting him in his face. From there I just screamed and cried and kept on hitting him until I collapsed."

"And Harry?"

Julie snickered. "He survived. He held me while I recovered."

"And where is he now?"

"Walking home. He came with me to the fork."

Charlotte slowly came upright after bending over Julie. She looked at the telephone and nearly reached for it but then made herself relax. If Harry suffered injuries they would soon hear of it and most probably be taken to court for it.

"Go and soak in a bath Julie," she commanded and pointed down the corridor. "You look terrible." She came closer and took Julie's hands in hers. "Look at them! They're swollen and red!"

"They hurt," Julie smirked. "And I think Harry even more so."

Julie was soaking in the luxurious warmth when Harry walked in on Brigitte in her studio. She called over her shoulder in a greeting and then turned around as that 'something' pulled at her sixth sense. Shock made her jaw drop and she hurriedly put down the paint brush she was busy with.

"What happened to you?" she cried as she reached for his face. His one eye was drooping slightly and there were red marks on his face and neck. "Were you attacked?"

Harry chuckled. "Yes."

"By whom?"

Harry stood there looking at her and only then did she notice the strange smile on his face. "I am almost free Mom. Almost."

"Free of what?"

He shrugged. "The animal."

"Harry, what happened? Who attacked you?"

"Do you know that Julie has a voice made in Heaven?"

"How should I know? What happened to you?"

"I heard her sing."

"So what?" she almost yelled.

"She didn't like it."

Brigitte took a step away from him to stop herself from shaking him by the shoulders. "So?"

Harry mused for a few seconds before looking up. "I got some payback. Well.... almost."

She stepped forward and grabbed him by his shoulders, pushed him onto a chair before sitting down herself and leaned over to him.

"What are you talking about Harry? What did she give back? Did she attack you because you heard her sing?"

Harry leaned back and looked up at the roof. With a deep sigh he shook his head and gingerly felt over his eye. It was painful to the touch and he chuckled as he glanced at his worried mother.

"If Julie stabbed me it would have been just desserts Mom."

Brigitte's eyes screwed down as she looked at her son. She noticed the red welts on his face and neck as well as his eye that had all the makings of a proper shiner but still that happy look sat in his eyes.

"Do I miss something Harry?"

He leaned his head backward and softly laughed. "You missed a lot Mom. I was.... Okay, let it be known. I was a disgusting bully and very successful liar."

"Harry?"

He nodded. "Mom, I bullied... no, no, no, I tormented Julie. I made her life a hell. Some days I got her to burst into tears and then I really gave her everything I had. Peter says she confided in her roommate that she often considered suicide because of my bullying. I was terrible Mom."

"But why?"

Harry dropped his head into his hands. "Why? Why? Why? She asked me that as well after her meltdown. How.... Seriously Mom, how do you own up.... admit... Oh hell! How do you explain something you did intentionally to hurt someone you love? She was special to me when we were small. You know that. I even asked her if she would marry me when we grew up. She actually said she would." He gave a rueful chuckle as he looked up again. "At some stage one of the other rich kids took the mickey out of me because I always wanted to be close to her. I never played with the other kids unless she was there as well. Called me a sissy. Wow! What a shocker! I wanted to prove that I wasn't a sissy and started tormenting her to show them. The fact that Dad hated her father gave me good reason and ammunition to drive my attacks on her. I thought Dad would be proud of me."

"Harry?"

"It became a habit Mom. If I came upon her anywhere I could conjure up something horrible to say or do. It simply flowed forth. I had this... this widow's jar filled with awful that just wouldn't run dry. In high school I only had to sneer at her and I would see the anger and sometimes hurt. Ohhh, it was fun."

He lifted his head and looked over at Brigitte with a lame smile. "Remember the day I snubbed little Gloria?" Brigitte nodded and he carried on. "You actually cried, remember? Ohh... of course not a torrent of wracking sobs but you had tears in your eyes." Again a faint nod but he noticed that his mother was biting her lower lip.

"That got to me. The fact that you were emotional because I hurt a little girl's feelings hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. Somewhere I questioned myself about what you would do if you found out what I had been doing to a number of kids for years. It....It took days for me to be able to sleep again because it suddenly dawned on me that I had become a monster and it scared me that you may find out about it. It wasn't just Julie. I....we bullied everyone. We always got away with it because you and Dad were such prominent people in the community and no-one wanted to rock the boat. You cried about Gloria? If you know what we had done to some kids you would consider my ugly toward Gloria as a gentle hug." He shook his head."I cut my ties to the crowd I had been hanging out with and discovered that I was... I was an unwanted person." He became very animated."I was Persona non grata Mom. The great Harry Cliffendale, rich brat and top academic could not find anybody who was interested in spending more than five minutes with him. I honestly tried to make new friends but I was shunned by just about everybody. You may remember that in Matric I was basically a loner. Not because I studied quite as hard as you thought. I was alone in school Mom. I had no friends. None."

Brigitte leaned forward. "How did I miss this Harry?"

He chuckled. "I told you. I was a successful liar and when you were near I was the picture of a little saint. Of course we covered for each other when something went out of kilter. Everybody knew we bullied but what to do?"

"Did your father know?"

"About?"

"Your bullying."

"He was aware of a few happenings where we hurt other kids."

"Julie?"

"Maybe that I tormented Julie, I think. Being Johnny's daughter placed her somewhere below a rat or something. I don't think he condoned it but how was he to reprimand me if he regularly went off about Johnny?" He sat there looking at the wall and then shrugged. "He most probably would have torn my butt apart if he knew exactly how terrible we were."

Brigitte sighed long and deep as she got up. "Your father is in the workshop. Go to him and tell him dinner will be ready in thirty."

"You angry with me?"

She turned and looked at him long and hard before speaking. "I am confused and disappointed in a way. The full truth may drive me to real anger. Give me time."

"To get really angry?" he teased and pulled her to him. "You'll hate me for a while but you will always love me."

He felt her nod against his chest and then she pushed him away. "Go find your father."

As he walked away he did a fast dance and she giggled in spite of her distress. "You seem happy?"

He came to a stop to lean in her direction."I am. I never realised just how miserable I was."

Shaking her head she watched him leave the house and saunter to the workshop. Her mind was in turmoil as she took stock of the situation that had suddenly been blown wide open. She had been aware of things in the past. There were mothers who carefully avoided her for years. She never thought of it but now she realised that as far as she could remember, nobody to date had even casually enquired about Harry's time in University. Well for that matter, has it ever happened?

With an unhappy sigh she cleaned and put her brushes away before going to the kitchen to finalise dinner.

That night, two mothers desperately wanted to say something during dinner but both decided to leave it for the time being.

Up to the day her parents took her back to University, Julie avoided going to town. She was terrified of possibly running into Harry, not knowing how to act towards him. Remembering his words when he begged her to understand, was that an apology? Did it have any meaning? Many times she rehearsed what she may say to him if they happened to run into one another and it always petered out to meaningless garble. On the one hand anger still stewed in her while on the other, Harry had seemed honestly apologetic.

Arriving at the hostel and with her roommate still not in Julie went about getting things ready for a light dinner for two, blissfully unaware of a scene in a flat, not very far from her. Peter had just arrived from East Wickbury wearing a golden tan and a happy smile to find Harry with his nose in a book. As he looked up to greet, Peter stopped in his tracks.

"That is quite some shiner you had there Cliffendale. Care to tell?"

Harry sat back and chuckled. "You won't believe me anyway so I may as well say I got it from Julie."

Peter simply guffawed and waved his hand around. "Well, of course that is a presumptuous lie. But seriously?"

"Serious truth."

Peter sat looking at his friend for long seconds before he slowly got up and went to stand behind a chair with his hands on the backrest. "Ooooookay," he breathed incredulously. "If I may ask. Is Black Water Spring still standing?"

Harry could only laugh. "Unmarked."

"Nobody arrested, mauled or beaten to death?"

"No."

"Okay. I need to hear this. Where did it happen?"

"At the waterfall in the crags."

Peter frowned deeply. "Uhmm, did you take her there?"

Harry sat back and folded his hands behind his head. "I took her nowhere. Do you think I'm crazy? She went there herself."

"I'm listening."

"Okay. Did you know that she has the most beautiful voice ever?"

"You mean like in singing voice?"

"Brilliant reasoning Einstein. She was singing in that massive crag at the top and I stopped to listen. Well, to be honest, I heard someone sing and ran to see who it was when I saw her."

"So, she sings and knocks you blotto."

Harry raised his eyes. "Almost. She sang and then.... uhhm.... she saw.....me."

"I'm listening," Peter quizzed as it fell silent in the room.

Harry wiped over his forehead. "I stood there.... I dunno..... jeez, she came through that stream screaming like a deranged lunatic..."

"Lunatics are deranged, just so's you know."

"Yeah, true. But I was simply standing there and the next thing she went at me."

"Simply standing there," Peter mused. "Harry Cliffendale is attacked by Julie Turlington simply because he is standing there....Bullshit!"

"Damn right! No warning. Nothing."

Peter laughed. "From what I know she has reason to wipe you from the face of this earth. She comes wading through the stream, screaming like a deranged lunatic.... Damn, I love that one..... And you thought what? That she was about to invite you for coffee?"

"No."

"No.... Of course not. Did you hang out that taunting Cheshire cat grin of yours?"

"If only."

"So what happened? Dammit! Speak up!"

Harry sat back and looked at the roof. "Now that I think of it. She may have been humiliated because of me walking in on her private time...."

"Ah! She was taking a leak and she caught you perving!"

"No!" Harry laughed. "She had her back to me and she sang Plaisir d'amour in a very expressive way. Kind of like as if she was in an opera or something. God Peter, you have no idea how beautiful it was."

"Her? The song?"

"The picture. Quite honestly I didn't even realise it was her until she turned around. It took my breath away."

"And then?"

"She came through that stream...."

"....like a deranged lunatic..."

Harry laughed. "Well yeah and she lay into me. Damn those fists are hard and that little farm girl has some seriously strong muscles!"

"And you ran?"

"No. I just couldn't. It was...."

"You stood there and took it?

"I covered my face with my hands and arms. I am scared of injury to my eyes."

Peter laughed softly. "You were a little late for that. You didn't turn..."

"No."

Peter raised his eyebrows. "Impressive. So, what then?"

Harry felt his face heat up. "She eventually collapsed."

"Fainted?"

"No.....I dunno. She just went down on her knees crying and.... It wasn't pretty."

"And you?"

Harry felt his face go crimson. "I sat down and let her sleep with her head on my leg."

"Sleep?" Peter stood there with a curled lower lip. "She let you?"