Teed Off Ch. 02

It was a Scottish tournament, so it was big for our area but not international. This should be good, no big deal, right, but they proceed to tell him that he'll do everything he can to help his client, but on the last day he was to make sure his client didn't win. It seems that they were tied into some bookies who would place a few caddies at courses, like Liam, and they would inflate the odds so that their bookies would receive more of the bets. Even when the player did well, they would drop the odds very slowly because they knew that any money bet on the player was theirs. Cheeky bastards, told him to do that right in front of me, there in me own pub."

Neil interjected, "But there are plenty of gambling places all around the area, they couldn't be in on this too."

Maggie said, "No. I don't believe they all are, but some could be. Most probably run honest shops, but I don't know. Anyway, they told me that Matthew needed to do this, or the bank would call the loan, even though I've been current the whole time. Well, Edith, you know me. I was pissed. I walked into the bank president's office and demanded to know what the fuck kind of place that they ran. He feigned ignorance, of course, saying the loan was good, that I was a valued customer, and I shouldn't worry. Yet as I was leaving his office, he reminded me that banks could call any loans if they feared that good performance was in question. With tax season coming up, he would hate for the loan to be called then. Then he gave me a funny look.

"I knew what he was implying. I gave him my best dejected look and left his office. I wanted to rip him a new arsehole. But he was correct on one thing, if they called the loan during tax season, I wouldn't be able to find a new loan and pay my taxes. They had me...or so they thought.

"I immediately called me mum and dad and told them the situation. They do ok, and their place next to yours in Pitlochry is worth quite a bit, so I asked them if they had the money. They said they would ring me in an hour. When they called back, they said they had the money, and for me to pay off the loan, but I needed to do two things for them. First, I would pay the note to them each month, just like the bank and second, I had to send Matthew to them for a year. Of course, I agreed. I later found out that they mortgaged their place for me.

"Matthew was hot that I would interfere like that, but then I poured down the wrath of God on his head for being so stupid as to get in with a bunch of gangsters like that. Once I told him the bastards threatened to take the pub from us, he agreed to go. As soon as I had the money from me mum and dad, I went into the bank and very quietly with a junior officer paid off my loan and had them make me copies of the 'Paid in Full' notice. I then walked directly into the president's office and slapped a copy down on his desk and told him to stay the fuck away from me pub.

"I probably shouldn't have done that, but nobody messes with me pub. Ever since then, they send some of their people to the pub regularly to see what is going on. I guess they are trying to intimidate me. Anyhoo, earlier when they came to tell Matthew and me what he needed to do, guess who was with them? Liam! He had dark hair back then, and only stayed a few minutes, but I know it was him. So I'm guessing he will be the best caddie he can be today, so they can get more money bet on you, but he'll sink you tomorrow.

Unbelievable! Damn drama. I was just supposed to play in a fucking qualifying tournament. I wasn't expecting to even be in the main event. Then my ex-wife shows up and now I have gangsters trying to screw with me. All I need now is for aliens to show up. I mean how much stranger can a week get?

I looked back and forth between Neil and Maggie. "So we have one more good day with Liam. Then what?"

Nobody knew. "If I fire Liam tonight can that in anyway come back to hurt you or your pub, Maggie?"

She thought for a moment and was very appreciative of my asking. "Hmmmmm. I don't think so. I supposed if Liam gets sacked and you win, a couple of things will happen.

First, Liam will have to disappear because that will be a lot of money they have to pay out, and they'll be after him. While the larger betting houses were giving you 1000 to 1 or 1200 to 1 odds, some of these local houses were giving you 1500 or 2000 to 1 odds. That's why I was telling you to bet with a reputable house, if there really is such a thing.

Second thing that will happen is that I'll bet that local house will have to close up shop and the head of that group may have to disappear himself. If he's involved with any of the mid-sized or larger booking houses, then someone will be looking for them. Someone not nice." She let out a "Hmmmph" and gave a sly grin at that prospect.

I jumped in, "So then after I sign my card, I'll go to the R&A, who run the tournament, and tell them everything I know, leaving you completely out. I'll tell them that I will need a new caddie for tomorrow. It'll be a disruption, but at this point I know the course pretty well. I really only need someone who can carry the bag and help me watch the wind."

We all thought it was a reasonable plan. Surreal, but reasonable. Neil told Maggie, "don't you go getting into Liam's face at the end of the round. I'm sure you'd like him to know it was you who sunk their ship, but they could get back at you. Best if you play it cool. OK Maggie?"

You could tell she really wanted to let the bastard have it, but she agreed.

I stuck with my routine of getting to the course relatively early, the only change being that we forced Maggie to ride with us. There was no sense in driving three cars from Edinburgh. As you might imagine, the girls were not happy, but if we asked Maggie to ride with the girls and Edith is driving, then they probably would have tried to toss Maggie out the window.

Liam and I prepared our gameplan like normal. Since I was in one of the last pairings to tee off, I couldn't really avoid the media coverage today. They caught me in the players locker room. They wanted to know more about me, my playing experience, my family life, my plans beyond this tournament. They wanted to know if I was overwhelmed by all of this, to which I replied, "well, thanks. I wasn't until you asked me that question." Did I really think I could win, "No. I'm just out here to play a nice round and enjoy the weather." That pissed them off. Good. The more pissed they were at me the less coverage I would get.

It didn't work that way. Unbeknownst to me, the interview was being played in the clubhouse and other venues around the area. The locals loved the weather comment. The weather was on their side. It was the one thing that could bring us haughty pro golfers to our knees. Also, they lived it day to day, so for a Yank to embrace the weather rather than complain, endeared me to them even more.

By the time I got to the first tee, word of my interview had started to spread, and I was developing a bit of a following. Naturally, the weather was similar to yesterday if only slightly colder. Occasionally the misty rain would turn to a downpour, but that was intermittent. I easily spotted my neon team near the ropes and went to greet them before the round like normal, kisses and hugs for all the ladies. I introduced them to my playing partner, Freddy Couples, which blew my mind. He liked their shirts. Liam was getting my stuff ready and it was time to begin.

They announced me at the first tee, and I received a much larger than expected applause. Hmmmm. Now you may not know, but golfers, like baseball players are a superstitious lot, and while I wasn't really superstitious, I certainly didn't feel the need to break routine. So after they announced me and I prepared to tee off I followed Thursday and Friday's routine.

Focus. I closed my eyes. Process. Feet. Grip. Just like chopping wood. Again, I imagined impacting the log with the maul and splitting it. I opened my eyes and once again, saw Maggie and Janet and imagined them out in front of the tee box tearing those shirts off. With a grin and practically chuckling to myself today, I took the swing, and again... I killed it.

Freddy played well today too, and so the crowd that was following us was really into it. With the wind and cold and rain, we should have been miserable, but we weren't. We were actually having a good round. I felt bad for the girls in their rain gear, but every time I looked over at them, they were acting as if they were just as happy to be there as me. Amazing.

There was a period when the rain was coming in buckets, or so it seemed. I knew they were going to call a halt to play any minute. We had just finished the 13th hole and were walking to the long par-5 14th when we passed by a reporter and cameraman near the ropes. She could have been my straight-man, she set me up so perfectly when she asked, "Tim, it's getting pretty bad out there, don't you think the golfers should come in until this blows over?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking for me or hoping to go inside herself, but I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste. In my best Carl the greenskeeper from Caddyshack voice, in the middle of the downpour I replied, "I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while." Then I grabbed my club, and Freddy and me strode towards the next hole.

Of course, the crowd next to me that heard the comment howled their approval. The cameraman caught the whole thing including Freddy and me walking into the deluge towards the next tee. They said when the clip was played a few minutes later in the clubhouse, that the whole place erupted. As we got to the tee, Freddy was laughing and said to me, "that may have been the single greatest interview I have ever seen. I'd give you a million dollars if I could have been the one to say that. Win or lose, for actually slipping that into an on-course interview, you'll be a legend after that."

The rain let up, and we finished play. It was probably the most fun I've had in my life while playing golf. Playing well helps, of course, but Freddy was fun and by the end of the round the crowd around us was really clapping for and encouraging us. When we walked off the green that day, we received a standing ovation. Freddy and I congratulated each other on our round. I was one under for the day and he was two under. We were the only rounds under par that day. We had really moved up the leaderboard in the bad weather. For the tournament, we were tied for 2nd place at 2 under par. He would play in the last pairing tomorrow with the leader, Bernhard Langer who was 3 under par, and I would be in the pairing in front of him.

Once again, Maggie disappeared behind Neil, and I had some unpleasant business I needed to take care of with the R&A. Liam and I went into the players locker room like normal. There were more interviews, and I just tried to cliché it as much as possible. Happy to be here. One hole at a time. So many other great players. Big day tomorrow, etc. Then Liam and I escaped. Normally a caddie will take care of and clean the clubs and bag and get ready for the next round. I told Liam that I had some things I needed to look at and shook his hand before sending him home for the evening. He looked at me oddly for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and left.

Once he was gone, I found Neil and an official. We recovered my clubs and explained the situation. They were incredulous. In their mind it simply wasn't possible that a caddie they had provided to me could be involved in anything like that. We went into an office and pulled up a couple of websites showing the current odds on me, which had improved to 15 to 1, now that I was tied for 2nd. Then we had him call up a few places near the pub and ask them what the current odds were on me. I was still 40 to 1 at those places.

He wasn't happy about it, but if ever there was a place or organization that wouldn't allow a hint of scandal to be associated with itself, it was St. Andrews and especially the R&A. They said they would investigate. I told them I would be using a different caddie tomorrow. His face looked ashen.

"We'll just say that Liam was terribly, terribly ill and couldn't carry the bag. Sure it doesn't look good, but if he's even accused of something like this, he'll never carry a bag again. I'm not accusing him formally. I'm just taking him off my bag."

He knew we were right.

"Have another caddie for me in the morning."

"We will."

Then Neil and I talked for another minute and went to find the girls. Since we were moving on up in the world, we were ushered to a roped off section of the clubhouse and ate some dinner there. We especially needed Maggie to join us. We told her of our conversation with the official and then I said, "Maggie, do you have good insurance on your pub. Just in case?"

"Yes. I do."

"Good. You may need it. I hope you don't, but you never know. Also, we should find a security service that knows what they are doing to put video cameras in and around your pub."

"I already have some inside, but we could add a few to the outside." Neil said he would help her coordinate that.

While it was a great day by all measures, the mess with Liam cast a bit of a damper on our spirits. If we could successfully navigate our way to the 1st tee tomorrow, things should be ok. As a precautionary measure, we took my bag and clubs and all my things home that evening.

I asked Neil to stop by the grocery on the way home and we picked up a few things.

______________

Sunday. Championship Day. Or for duffers like me, survival day. With what Maggie brought to us yesterday, I darkly thought to myself upon getting up, that merely surviving to the tee might be an accomplishment. What a mess.

Like yesterday, we made Maggie ride with me and Neil to the course. We escorted her to the roped off section of the clubhouse as our guest and found an official. I already knew what I wanted to do.

I asked the official, "Did you take care of Liam?"

"We informed him this morning that his services wouldn't be required."

"How did he react?"

"He was shocked and then said he needed to retrieve something from your bag."

"Then what happened?"

"We escorted him to find your bag. When it wasn't in the locker, he became really anxious, demanding that we find your bag. We were going to remove him from the course, but he became so agitated that we had him held. Given the situation, we confiscated his phone and took him to an office to wait as a precautionary measure. When our chief of security was informed of the situation, he took him into custody to hold him for the day. One of St. Andrews officers is questioning him now. I suspect he will have a full day."

"Good. Know that I really don't want to see an innocent person punished. I'll pay him his full fee for the round, excluding bonus on any winnings since I'm playing as an amateur. However, I do not want him calling anyone until my round is over. Also, you need to ensure that an official is there with our guests, pointing to me and Neil, at all times today."

"Given Liam's reaction, we share your concern and appreciate your discretion in this matter. We'll take care of it. Are you ready to meet your new caddie?"

I had prepared for this, but I didn't think he, nor Neil, would like what I was about to say.

"Sir. I've had all night to think about this. While I appreciate your finding me a caddie on such short notice, I already have my caddie for today. Neil will be assisting me today."

Both Neil and the official looked at me for a moment. The official started speaking first, "very well, you are free to choose your own caddie, just know that he must abide by the rules as all other caddies."

"We understand. Please allow me to pay for the caddie you had arranged. It wasn't until this morning that I selected Neil."

"Thank you, Mr. Humphry. That is very considerate of you but not necessary. We will make sure he is paid for the day."

Then it was Neil's turn. "Tim. I cannot carry your bag. I've haven't carried a bag since I was 16, almost 50 years ago."

"Whew, here I was worried you had never done this before."

"I'm serious Tim. This is the biggest round of your life. You need someone with more experience."

"Please tell me exactly how a rent-a-caddie would help me today that you cannot?"

"They are going to know the course better."

"So. I'm not planning on being out in the weeds. The obstacles are right there for us to see either with our own eyes or the yardage book they've given us. You've told me yourself that you've played here many times. I've played it 7 times in the last 7 days, plus I've played it 100 times on the Xbox. If I'm not on the fairway and on the green, then it wouldn't matter who is carrying the bag."

"What about holding the pin and raking the bunkers?"

"Are you telling me you've never done that before? Never watched someone else do it before? Are you telling me you couldn't do what Liam was doing?"

"No. I'm just..."

"You're just what?"

"I'm just..."

"Afraid you might screw up? I've had 214 strokes in the last 3 days. Do you think I haven't thought about screwing up at least 214 times? Hmmmm?"

"I just don't want to cost you any strokes."

"Hey, we'll be in it together. Let me ask you another question." Then I leaned in and whispered to him.

"You have £2.4 million pounds riding on this today. Who would you rather be carrying the bag, someone that may or may not be working with Liam, or you?"

That gave him pause. "What time did you say we tee off?" That's my Neil.

I took a few interviews this morning, hoping to get it out of the way before time to practice and head for the first tee. I was Mr. Cliché again today, which again didn't put me in very well with the reporters. However, I did say how impressed I was with how well the tournament was run and given the showers (storm really) how good a shape the course was in. Only Noah should really be describing the last three days of rain as showers.

The girls called us when they arrived, and we had them all brought in closer to us for safety. The St. Andrews people really did a nice job with that. Their head of security caught me away from a lot of people to let me know they believed they had the situation under control, as some investigation done last night and this morning had already revealed an issue with someone that did Liam's reference check. I told him that we should both be very thankful to Maggie, who brought this to all of our attention. He assured me that she would be properly thanked.

The weather was a carbon copy of yesterday. Given that the weathermen had under-called it the first three days, they over called it for today. Today they had practically forecast a blizzardcane, which didn't happen. It was just like yesterday, miserable. At the practice range and green, things proceeded like normal. A few more pictures of me were taken. An amateur in the last two groups hadn't happened in a long time, so I was quite the novelty.

It wasn't until we headed for the first tee with great big Neil carrying the bag that people noticed Liam wasn't on the bag today. That caused a bit of a stir, but by then we were out of the eye of the media. Or at least far enough away that we didn't have to answer any questions.

Rather than joining Team-Hump today, Neil came with me which caught our team by surprise. Neil told them he would be caddying. They were very excited for him. So they made their way to the ropes, still in their neon, and we made our way to the tee. Neil and I were both wearing hats with his company's logo on the front and website on the back. Like the other three days I went to give hugs and kisses to the ladies. Maggie was first and surprised me with a full-on kiss on the mouth and said, "make me proud." This surprised all of us. Edith was next and gave me one on the mouth too telling me, "thank you for putting Neil on the bag. He'll remember this forever." Janet, not to be outdone, gave me one on the lips too, saying, "Your family believes in you." After more kisses in the last 2 minutes than I'd had in the last two years, I said, "Man! If playing in tournaments gets me kisses like that, I think I might have to reconsider whether this is my last one or not." To which my daughters both replied, "No, you won't!" and then gave me a peck on the cheek.