Terrible Company Ch. 12

/ /Author's Note: This story, Terrible Company, is sprawling sword-and-sorcery fantasy satire with a diverse cast of characters. Over its many chapters, those characters will have interactions (both with each other and others) that cross many of the lines that exist between Lit genres. I have come to believe that breaking the story into those different categories, as best I can, is the best way to expose the most readers to parts of the story they might dig, and that they might then be encouraged to read on.

Each chapter is written as a self-contained episode, and although there are running gags that continue through the series that enrich the experience, they shouldn't prevent one from starting anywhere in the series (including the final chapter) and enjoying it for what it is.

This chapter features:

Val, the female Orc Warrior/Fighter

Katsa, the female Human Arcanist

Mathilda, the female Dwarf Healer

Ayen, the male Half Elf Thief

Ivy, the female Human Bard

Enjoy!//

"This is incredible," Ivy said, as she turned the page. Her eyes darted, following the prose line-by-line with rabid enthusiasm. Mathilda grabbed hold of her elbow and gave a light tug, guiding Ivy around an exposed tree root to which the Bard was oblivious. "Oh my Gods! Listen to this! 'Dew graced the pink flesh at the apex her thighs. Grignalda smiled rapturously as she jammed three fingers right in, pretty hard, and drove her paramour to the very brink of ecstasy.' This guy is a genius. I wonder when his next book comes out?"

"Wha' kinda shit name is Grignalda?"

"It's fairly common among goblins," she replied, tucking her thumb into the book to mark her place.

"S'abit of'a mouthful to ge' around in a scene like that, isn' i'?"

"Especially when there's much better things to be getting a mouthful of," Ayen added.

Ivy turned toward Mathilda, expecting the little Dwarf to explode, but Mathilda seemed merely thoughtful. Eventually Ivy shrugged and continued her thought. "I'm pretty sure that a work like this isn't really meant to be read aloud."

"Why no'?"

"Well," Ivy said, "the Maestro was always reading erotica out loud during our lessons, but he stumbled over the names a lot. It felt like they were never intended to be spoken, just imagined."

"Why can't characters in those things just have normal names?" Katsa asked.

Ivy shrugged. "I think it's supposed to be enjoyed alone."

"Ah never understood tha'. People repress themselves. It's un'ealthy."

"If you really think that's true," Val reasoned, "then why do you wear clothes at all? Why not just run around naked all the time, kissing and fucking whoever you want?"

" 'ave ye fergotten where we're goin'?" She tapped her metal bracer with the index finger of the other hand, and smiled incredulously. "Ah'm gonna need this armor, I s'spect."

Val rolled her eyes. "Hypothetically speaking."

"Are ye daft? Knuckledraggers an' mouthbreathers 're ev'rywhere! Ah don't want those troglodytes ooglin' mah bits!"

"Sounds pretty repressed to me," Katsa lilted with a smirk.

"S'not even remotely the same! Bein' unapologetic abou' 'avin' a taste for a few dif'rent pies is a far cry from public noodity. Ye can't trus' anyone."

"You are in the wrong line of work," Val laughed.

"If ye think I can't crack skulls jus' as good as you can, yer dead wrong!"

"No!" Val laughed, even harder. "I mean what are you doing healing people if you think so little of them?"

"Oh," Mathilda said, nodding. "Aye. Ah've 'ad tha' though' qui' a few times o'er the years."

"And?"

"An' ev'ry time Ah think abou' i' too hard, that miserable bastard starts givin' me 'eadaches." The dark-haired dwarf grumbled under her breath. "Ah don' 'ave a lo' a choice in the ma'er."

"My hand still isn't quite right," Ayen said, grabbing his wrist reflexively.

"Ah told ye ta stop wankin' i' so much, bu' did ye listen ta me?"

"I don't need to use my own hands," Ayen said archly. "I have a wealth of volunteers."

"Yer like the Pied Piper of idiots."

"And you're still angry that I won that sweet little Gnome a few towns back. What was her name again?"

"She was an 'alfling!"

"OH MY GODS!" Ivy cried. Val and Mathilda were both ready, weapon in hand, on the instant.

"What is it?" Katsa gasped, whirling and scanning the trees.

"They're going to fuck!"

"Who?" Mathilda and Ayen said together, though it was difficult to sort out which one was incredulous and which one was fearful.

"Oh," Ivy said, coming back to her senses and smiling brightly. "I'm working on a book. This Double Slit Experiment has had me all inspired, so I went back to something I'd started years ago. Two of the characters I've recently added bicker all the time, and it's just hitting me now that of course they're going to end up together. All that tension has to go somewhere!"

"I thought you were working on that stupi-ow..." Katsa glared up at Val, rubbing her side where the big Orc had elbowed her, and stuck her tongue out. "I thought you were working on some kind of game."

"Pretendy Time? I think I'm going to scrap it. Nobody would believe the adventures we have are real. Now I'm working on an erotic pirate novel."

"That sounds awful," she said, and then yelped a few seconds later when Val jabbed her again. "Well it does!"

"I wouldn't have thought bodice-rippers were your style," Ivy said thoughtfully. "Not unless there was a lot of noncon."

"I don't even know what that means," Katsa said dismissively.

"Wot's the appeal o' shreddin' a bunch of corsets?"

"It's not about ripping them up," Ayen answered. "It's about ripping them off"

Mathilda nodded slowly as they walked. "Ah think Ah'd like ta read tha'."

"Fantastic!" Ivy exclaimed, leaping briefly-but-spectacularly into the air. Her blouse barely escaped splitting down the middle from the force of her landing. "I've been dying to inflict it on someone else!"

***

"Fuuuuck," Katsa groaned, as they peered through dense foliage. All of them were crouched side by side on a thick branch thirty feet above the ground, except for Mathilda who was so short as to be able to simply stand next to them and be of nearly the same height. "That thing is huge!"

"How do we keep gettin' jobs like this?" Val asked.

"I'm not sure how we keep getting jobs at all," the Thief grumbled.

"Can you kill that?" the Arcanist whined, turning to her right.

"Eventually?" Val said, bobbing her head back and forth. "Sure, but it's gonna take a while. That whole 'the bigger they are' chunk of wisdom is complete bullshit. Being big just means they're gonna take forever to die, and Bigfoots are the worst."

"Bigfoots?" Katsa asked. "Not Bigfeet?"

"Bigfoots," Ivy said with certainty.

"They've got really tough skin," Val added, shaking her head. "They're like walking ironoak trees."

Katsa groaned as she watched the Bigfoot putter back and forth in front of the entrance to its cave, assembling various carcasses into different piles. Although it nearly rivaled the ogres they'd encountered several months earlier in size, the Bigfoot seemed somehow more feral. Less civilized. "Is it carcasses or carcassi?" the Blonde wondered aloud.

"Carcasses," Ivy said assuredly. "What do you think, Mathilda?"

"Ah think it needs an editor."

Ivy nodded admittingly. Katsa, Val, and Ayen all turned to glare at the Healer, who continued turning the pages in disapproving obliviousness.

"We should probably send in the Elf."

"Is that like our default strategy now?" Ayen hissed.

"We should be using it more often than we do," Val laughed. "You could totally seduce a Bigfoot. Until we started swinging, that Hairon was way more interested in your backside than your hand."

"Which still isn't working right, by the way."

Mathilda held up her middle finger as she continued to read in silence, and Ayen rolled his eyes.

"If only we could get to it from the inside," Val said distractedly, as she stared off into the distance. "Get under the skin somehow."

"Yeah," Katsa laughed, "like if the Bigfoot used Ayen as a dildo." After a beat, the Arcanist reared back, gasping and covering her mouth with her hand.

"Why would you even think that?" Ayen said, glaring.

"Ah like where yer head's at, lass," Mathilda added without looking up.

"No."

"You could be our Trojan man," the big Orc said excitedly. "Like, literally!"

"I am exercising my right of veto," the Half Elf demanded.

"Ooooooh," Ivy mumbled, as she quickly pulled out her pad of yellow paper and scanned through it. "Ssssorry. We don't have anything like that, but I'm making a note so we can revisit the 'veto' subject later." She scribbled a few notes, murmuring veee toe slowly under her breath.

"I can't stop picturing it," Katsa cackled. "Your little flailing legs sticking out of a Bigfoot's ass!" She paddled her hands in front of her as she went red-faced.

"I don't know why I put up with this," Ayen grumbled.

"Ye know why," Mathilda answered, still without looking up.

"OhmygodsIcan'tbreathe," Katsa wheezed.

"No," he half-shouted. "No, that's bullshit."

" 's'no'."

"It is," he said, rising up from his crouch.

"Ye can' leave," Mathilda said, though she still hadn't looked up from Ivy's book.

"Watch me," he said, as he turned and grabbed a branch behind them. As soon as he found his next foothold, on a slightly lower branch, that branch gave way with a loud crack, and Ayen fell with squeal. He hit the ground hard, groaning, and collapsed when the broken branch came down on the back of his head. Ivy immediately began moving, turning and shifting her weight to follow him down, but stopped when Val grabbed her shirt by the collar and put a hand over her mouth.

Despite being nearly the same size as an Ogre, the Bigfoot moved with considerably more stealth. It was beneath them, staring in confusion at Ayen, before anyone but Val knew it was anywhere near them.

"Pretty she-elf," the Bigfoot mumbled. It tossed the broken branch aside and grabbed Ayen by the wrist. "Come on, pretty she-elf." The groggy Half Elf, eyelids fluttering, left a wide track through the loose leaves as he was dragged. The rest of Terrible Company remained as quiet as a tomb. For a minute, anyway.

"Whelp," Mathilda said, as she gave Ivy her manuscript back. "Done with tha'. Shall we?" She dropped down first, and the others followed on her heels. Ivy skipped along beside her, head bobbing as she tried to catch the Dwarf's attention to no avail.

"So what did you think?" Ivy whispered, hoarsely, as they crept through the underbrush.

"I' was alrigh'," Mathilda said, keeping her eyes forward. "Ah mean, the sex was pretty hot but ye kinda glossed over the bit where yer girl gets taken. Ye didn' establish much b'fore ye went an' started havin' the crew tryin' ta get their dicks wet. An' the Hellish Barnacle? Wha' kinda twat names their ship the Hellish Barnacle?"

"Captain Longcock didn't name it. He took over the ship with that name."

"An' 'Captain Longcock'?! That's no' any be'er!"

"Longcock is his patriarchal surname," Ivy said, nodding confidently. "I imagined that that was how his society handled naming, so he took his name from his father. He didn't pick that either."

Katsa shook her head and detached from the conversation between the Healer and the Bard. Behind them, Val looked pensive. "He'll be fine."

"What?" Val said, blinking. "No. No, I was just thinking it was weird that I didn't get more laughs at that Trojan man joke. I mean, you got it, right?"

"Yeah, it was funny."

"He'd be just like the Trojan Horse!"

"I know."

"Cus he'd be, like, sneaking inside under false pretenses!"

"I know," Katsa groaned.

"But also like, you know how Trojan is a brand of—"

"Oh my Gods, I know!"

Val frowned. "I mean I thought it was a pretty good joke, but it didn't get much of a reaction."

"It's crazy how needy you are sometimes."

"What?" Val scoffed. "I'm not needy."

"I can't be responsible for propping up your ego every other day."

"Are you doing that thing where you're actively trying to piss me off?"

Katsa merely glared back at her, and Val smirked. "Wait," the Arcanist said, blinking as she walked. "Are we all just walking toward our deaths, or do we have a plan?"

"Yup," the little Dwarf in the front said. "We sen' in the Elf. 'e wears i' down, an' then we swoop in."

"Did you see the size of that thing?" Val asked.

"Nope," the Dwarf said, without skipping a beat.

"I was joking when I suggested it. That thing is huge. It'll rip him in half."

"So 'e'll complain 'alf as much?"

"Twice as much," Katsa quipped, "since there'll be two of him."

The big Orc laughed. "We have way too much fun with the idea of him being the easily-dismembered plaything of a monster."

"Maaaaaybe don't use the M word?" Ivy piped in.

"Oh Gods," Katsa gasped. "Can you imagine how jealous one of them will be if his cock isn't evenly split?"

"Ah didn' see i'. 'ow big'r we talkin'?"

"I don't know. Ten inches? Maybe four or—"

"Tha Bigfoo'!"

"I don't know," Val answered irritably. "How big's a thing gotta be to rip an Elf in half?"

" 'alf Elf."

"Oh whatever!"

"Elves've go' a much more fragile bone structure," Mathilda barked, "an' a lo' less muscle mass. Fuck, you could pro'bly rip an Elf in 'alf!"

"Why would I want to rip an Elf in half?"

" 's'no' the poin'!"

All of them went wide eyed at a low, rolling growl. A warning growl. Deep, like the lungs that birthed it could fit a Gnome whole. Val and the Dwarf both stepped forward, weapons in hand.

"Katsa," Mathilda hissed. "Katsa!"

"What?!"

"Do tha' thing where ye turn'm into a chicken."

"What?"

"Like ye did wi' the Harpy."

"Polymorph?"

The Bigfoot snarled again, creeping toward them on all fours.

"Yes!"

"That won't work!"

"Do it," Mathilda roared, just as the Bigfoot came crashing through the forest.

***

"I told you it wouldn't work," Katsa said as they hobbled along; each of them varying degrees of dirty, disheveled and bleeding.

"Well 'ow was Ah s'posed t'know tha'?"

"If temporarily changing the shape of an enemy to something very small was that useful, don't you think I'd be doing it all the time?" Katsa folded her arms in haughty disapproval. "I would literally use that to solve every single problem."

"Ah jus' though' i' would be easier ta—"

"Every. Single. Problem." The Arcanist glared furiously while Mathilda rolled her eyes. "Why don't you leave the magic to me next time?"

"And me!" Ivy said brightly. Katsa groaned in exquisite frustration.

"So are we just not going to talk about it?" Ayen asked.

"Nope," the Dwarf said, as she took Val's bleeding forearm in glowing hands. Val never once flinched or looked away of Ivy's manuscript. Her lips twitched, nearly forming words, as she read. "Who else?"

"What am I going to lose if you try to fix a headache?" the Half Elf sniped. "A little bit of eyesight? Feeling in my cheek? Ooo! The ability to taste salt?" Mathilda rolled her eyes as she gripped his temples. Ayen blinked experimentally and looked side to side as the glow faded from around his head.

"Yer welcome," the Dwarf griped. " ow abou' you, lass?"

"I'm fine," Ivy said brightly.

"Are we seriously not going to talk about it?"

"Talk abou' what?" Mathilda snapped. " 'ow tha' miserable bastard ain' gonna le' ye go til he's done with ye?"

"Yes!"

"Welcome to the club," she said.

"Are we maybe jumping to conclusions a bit?" Katsa asked. "I mean, couldn't that branch breaking have been a coincidence?"

"Well what about the Troll?" he fired back.

"We were screwed as soon as she found us in that net," Katsa said.

"That net was fun!"

"You deciding later," Katsa continued, "to storm off was doomed from the start. No! From before the start!"

"Fine," Ayen snapped, coming to a stop with his arms folded across his chest. "I'm not going one step further."

"Okay," Mathilda sang, "but tha' fire's gonna be here faster than ye thin'."

Val finally looked up from Ivy's manuscript and looked back. "Another forest fire?" She glared down at Katsa disapprovingly. "Really?"

"What!" the Arcanist shrieked defensively. "What do you want me to do?"

"Maybe not use fireballs."

"It's my element! Literally!"

Ayen stubbornly stood still while the rest of them continued on, but when he turned around to see the flames spreading out every direction and starting to encircle him, he found his motivation to keep moving.

"We're not done with this conversation," he said, as he rejoined the group.

***

"We should probably stop here," Ivy said, as she looked up at the fading light of day.

"Great idea," Katsa barked. "Just great. No one else but you could have spotted that this was a suitable campsite."

Ivy beamed.

"Ah'll ge' the wa'er," Mathilda said, as she set down her pack. She slung the empty water skins over her shoulder and stepped warily between some sinister-looking Oak trees. Halfway down the sloped hill, she heard gentle rustling behind her and sighed. Only one member of the group was that light on their feet.

"Hey," Ayen hissed. "Hey!" He caught up to her and matched her pace through the brush, though she remained indifferent to his presence. "Are we seriously not allowed to leave you?"

Mathilda looked back over her shoulder and snickered. "Didja think Rhogan would come down and claim yer soul if Ah got more'n ten yards away from ye?"

"I don't know how this works!" he yelled back. "I've never had a God target me for anything!"

"Relax," she said. "We've spli' up b'fore. The tricky par' comes with inten'."

Ayen looked up as the wheels turn in his head. "So I can go as far as I want as long as I have the intention of coming back."

"If 'e's smart, an' 'e is, 'e won' trus' ye farther than Ah can throw ye." After a moment, she added, "Come to think onnit, 'at's pro'bly abou' ten yards."

"How are you so calm about this?"

"That fucker 'as been order'n me around fer near twenty years. Of course Ah fought against i', bu' a' this poin' Ah'm jus' tired of i'. 'alf the time, I ne'er even find ou' why 'e 'as me do wha' 'e 'as me do."

"Are you serious?"

"Go here, go there. Save this faceless arse but let tha'n die."

"Sometimes you're supposed to let them die?"

"Oh yeah," Mathilda said, nodding. "Can' all live f'rever, can we?"

Ayen frowned as he walked.

"Poin' is," she said, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder, "ye can go back now."

Ayen continued frowning.

"Oy."

"What?" Ayen said, startled.

"Ye don' 'ave t'come."

The Half Elf blinked, and then frowned again. "No way you can throw me ten yards."

Mathilda stopped on the spot and threw down her water skins. "Wanna be'?"

***

Val looked up from her whetstone and handaxe with surprise at seeing Mathilda and Ayen returning more or less together, though the wary stares they were giving each other felt just about right. She had no good guesses as to why there were leaves sticking out of the neck of the Thief's shirt or blades of grass in his hair. Val shook her head and went back to trying to grind out a particularly gnarly bite near the tip of the edge.