All Comments on 'Territory Manager'

Good story well told.

LWlurker

nah... five pages too long and left a sour taste at the end! the manipulative bastards were let iff too easily..and do was crystal!

This was a 5, maybe 6 page story. I skipped 2 whole pages and still knew what was going on. Way too much unnecessary filler.

A five from me.

Too long. Doesn't feel like a loving wives story.

OK, just finished page four. Why was the MC so concerned about Crystal’s sexual history, when he had an extensive o of his own? His sister had already told him that Crystal had a ‘reputation.’

I assume as I read on that Crystal will stray, this being LW and all, but there was a certain hypocrisy in a guy who’d had a bunch of one night stands getting pissed that a girl he knew wasn’t a virgin and had a reputation ha past of her own. After all, guy with a bunch of one nighters himself had been treating women as disposable playthings.

Huge build up, then very very short ending.

Really spoiled it.

Another stupid 'good' wife got seduced story from this author. And there's too many already of this character type in LW. Divorcing a stupid wife story should never go beyond 3 pages.

How about writing a smart conniving wife next. Divorcing a stupid cheating wife is not a challenge at all. It only shows that the husband is just as stupid to marry her in the first place.

And just as bad, to be NTRed by the usual overconfident bad guy that does stupid things to himself. Hero didn't have to go far to overcome this guy.

There's no challenge here. The actual LW is around the last 3 pages but that too only worth a page.

The filler are more than the 'LW' plot, and that makes the story feels way too long.

OK, finished it now.

The last four pages were sort of telegraphed. The Crystal and Dobler livin in a trailer park was just too cliche.

An obvious point: even though Roger wasn’t actually fucking Gail, head cheating on his wife about as much as she was cheating on him, and was doing so before he knew, though he suspected, that Crystal was cheating.

The first four pages were better than the second.

Crystal is mentally handicapped. Retarded. An imbecile. She isn’t smart enough to walk and chew gum.

And who cares how many guys she fucked before she was with Rodger? Seriously.

And if he had concerns, why didn’t he deal with them? What kind of a jackass doesn’t look after his home?

All in all, this felt like it was written by a moron who shouldn’t be allowed to handle anything sharper than a bowling ball.

Do better.

The story was good. But Crystal was too dumb for words. So, how did our hero get so into her? He didn't seem the type to be involved with her, he's smart and energetic. She's laconic and not bright at all. No fit. So no big loss.

Another long drawn out jumble of words desperately looking for a story.

well done! very good story. 5⭐

A simple story but very real and effective.

Thanks for sharing your talent.

Predictable but good!

Have you a solid five

I liked it the right amount of drama and the good guy won. Thanks for the story.

Wasnt that great.

-26thNC

So what happened with Crystal and Gordon? They were living together, then she's suddenly wanting reconciliation with Roger. Why and how did that relationship end? Did he end it, did she? For a long story, this is a big oversight for me, big enough that it only gets a 4 instead of a 5.

Very good. 5*s

NICE, I had to read nonstop does not happen often!

A solid 5 stars for a well written, entertaining story. Dobler and Barnes went off and never heard from again. I guess they did not put their experience with B&B in their resumes........

Well written and good flow in the story. Unfortunately, it was a repeat of many Loving Wives tropes, and it's all been done before. Frequently. The voting here isn't nuanced enough to handle stories like this. Not a 5* but definitely more than a 4*. Vote 4*, and the story drops. That isn't fair. But it's not a 5*.

I'm voting 5 because I know it will offset a bunch of the 4's.

Pretty good. Enjoyed it.

Crystal was one stupid woman. Having go back to Darryl was almost cruel.

4 ****

Why was this so long? It was an ok story but good lord. he didn't find out about the cheating until page 7 or 8. I also would've enjoyed to hear more from the tramp crystal.

Well crafted and well written. Maybe, Roger was a bit too much in control of himself and should have done more to punish Crystal.

Not bad. Maybe a little wordy but it was interesting.

I don't know about you, but to me a new Gumbo25 is always a major event. Since he began posting stories fourteen months ago, the average length of times between stories has usually been about two months. The nearly four months between "Spontaneous Combustion!" and this one is by far the longest gap between stories. I had been wondering whether, like Jidoka, it was a brilliant flash (less than two years) and then gone. Glad to see that, at least so far, this isn't the case with Gumbo25.

In fact, this may be his best yet. First of all, it's really satisfying to see the good guy get a good girl. That wasn't the case with the previous two stories ("Spontaneous Combustion!" and "Hidden Valley Farms"). And the plot path winding to this pleasant conclusion was solidly credible. The anonymous comment about this 8-pager not detailing the breakup between Crystal and Gordon has some merit, but I believe the author believed that the reasons would be apparent to the reader and was not essential to where the main thrust of the story was going.

Reed Richards has a point about the telegraphing, though I think by page four where Crystal was headed may have been obvious (especially if one knows the typical Gumbo25 story arc), the resolution wasn't yet (by page four). It's when Gail enters the story. And I also think that even if you know where the story is headed (which is a fairly common feature of nearly all LW stories), it's an enjoyable ride to get there.

OK. I figured that if Gumbo25 could go on for 8 pages, his longest yet, I could make my longest comment yet. Though I could have been more pithy, and simply said that this a GREAT BIG FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE ! ! ! ! !

Enjoyed the read and the narrative was well done. Despite the length, I felt we were left out on the dynamics between Roger and Crystal. You had references and a sentence here or there, but not the depth of much of the other sub plots. 4*

I gave you a five, but in the "Loving Wives" category where the plots all seem to be the same. Unfortunately, creativity is difficult with LW. You are an excellent writer in a tough world to write about something that sounds new.

Well written. However, it needed perhaps some passion or suspense to grab the reader. Felt to me like a newspaper article. Don't be upset, this is just my opinion. Thanks for the story, the effort and the time writing it!

Toooooooo wordy!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE slap hapy papy #9

Fairly average story well written but the storyline is well used. Man meets girl Man married girl Man discovers girl cheated Man finds another girl Man divorces first girl. Nothing new in the story.

WOW is all I have to say!

A little too much back story. Some explaining his relationships that impacted later was okay, but could have been cut way back.

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$40,000 isn't really that much more than $18.50/hour = $18.50 x 40 hours x 52 weeks is $38,480.

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"For a moment I thought about her statement of 'another one night stand'" - What's the big deal? HE'S had plenty of one-night stands! "I started feeling like a hypocrite." - Yup!

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"I like fluids." - That could be kinky!

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"To my surprise Graham McKenzie flew in for the event." - I thought he didn't even meet him until the Cedar School thing?

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Why couldn't Crystal stay with Janet when he traveled?

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"She was not great on ideas, but did what was asked of her quite well." - What ideas are expected from a receptionist?

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Before, she couldn't stand him being away for a few days occasionally, now she doesn't mind him being gone all week?

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"Nonetheless it was not a great weekend. " - "Nonetheless" means contrary to what just happened.

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"When you start a new business you need to establish trust with customers." - Weren't these people already his customers, who said they'd buy from him?

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"She deserved to be with someone like Gordon." - LOL, why? What's so special about her?

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"I couldn't increase my margins." - Maybe he couldn't increase his margins, but he IS selling at a profit, isn't he? If his sales are up he should be making money. Maybe Dobler's right and he IS giving shit away, but why? He should be able to make a profit and still undercut B&B.

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Wouldn't her attorney have told her that the divorce was final?

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I think he should have told Crystal about how Dobler had played her and his plot to get Roger out of the way.

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RR, she wasn't living with Dobler, she was with Darryl.

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Yes, she HAD been living with Dobler, so where was she living when he was going to come over on Saturday?

Roger and Crystal came across as more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Crystal cheating and blowing up the marriage was pretty emotionless and a ho hum after story in this story. Kind of felt like her cheating and blowing up the marriage was nothing but filler for a business merger story. Should have spent a lot more time on the cheating and fallout than all of the business verbiage wheeling and dealing. Pretty hard to get excited about business mergers and such.

I give you 5 stars for the office reference

well told story, no nitpicking here

It was long read but I stuck with it.

It was that good me getting interested.

It didn't even bother me that Crystal was nonchalantly dismissed in the story like a pesky neighbor. What didn't sit right with me was how quick Roger got on with Gail. Heck after reading this I realize I now come to Literotica for a good well written story and not the sex anymore. I shouldn't be doing this in a sex site. Maybe I grew up. Thanks Gumbo25 giving me this amid all these new cuck stories.

/

Man, I hate cuck stories.

Forget the two losers with their bad rating comments. As for Crystal, you did tell your readers what became of her. Now for the good comment, this has been an enjoyable read with a mixture of BTB and the good guy surviving the bad days. The length of the story was very appropriate to all of the character development that you put in the story, as you stated at the beginning of your writing. I really enjoyed the tale especially your reference to some real situations at the end. Keep up with you writing, looking forward reading more.

Pretty cliche. Moves away for work and leaves his wife? No way. Then no consequence for the long term cheating wife??? No bitterness or revenge for the cuckold husband? Left a bad taste in my mouth.

Good read, I enjoyed it

Certainly a good story, very entertaining, and that's what we want in a story. Right, folks? If I could change it in any way, just to suit me, I'd have you spend more time on the details of the period after the sucker-punch up to the end of the divorce. What did Arthur feel/do when he was told one of his favorite employees had suddenly just quit, is divorcing his wife, and that wife moved in with one of the management team?

But that's me and I like the story the way it's written. 5 stars. Thanks for posting.

@kencoro, why don't you write a story to show us how?

@reedrichards, The Crystal and Dobler livin in a trailer park was just too cliche.

It wasn't Crystal and Dobler it was Crystal and Darryl. Darryl was Crystals ex, the red neck.

@ReedRichards

OK, just finished page four. Why was the MC so concerned about Crystal’s sexual history,...

That was how the story was written and its ok. Just because you didn't like it doesn't mean its not ok.

Enjoyed the story, one of the other things I enjoy is reading the comment after they're posted. Sometimes I wonder if we have read the same story? I gave it 5 stars because it entertained and held my interest. As for a couple of the comments, opposites attract, Darryl was the cowboy that was with Chrystal when Roger first saw her, and if Roger had saw and stopped Dobler from getting to Chrystal were would the story go, the Romance section? It's fiction folks, not everything is nice and orderly. To make scrambled eggs you have to break the shell and mix the yoke and whites in the pan. But the end results are good for breakfast or a quick snack,... this commercial is brought to you by the Egg Counsel. Don't worry,... be happy!

Good story

Thank you for your story. Keep on writing.

ReedRichards

OK, finished it now.

The last four pages were sort of telegraphed. The Crystal and Dobler livin in a trailer park was just too cliche.

An obvious point: even though Roger wasn’t actually fucking Gail, head cheating on his wife about as much as she was cheating on him, and was doing so before he knew, though he suspected, that Crystal was cheating.

The first four pages were better than the second.

Reed, you are usually more observant than this, 'Almost a year later I heard, through my sister, that she had moved to Montana and was living in a mobile home park with Darryl.'

Darryl not Dobler.

Great story!

5

True, it was long--but my Lord was it good! 5 Stars cd

I have always loved the Michael Scott Paper Company episodes. A tip of my cap to you for being inspired by them. I did enjoy this story. If anything, I would have liked to have read more about Crystal's thoughts during the entire thing. Keep writing, maybe you can come up with something inspired by the charity 5k episode.

And we finally got one that ruined todays spank round for the small dicked, closeted male illumicuckie cult members. Long winded but decent.

Well done

3 stars from me. You did warn that there was going to be little sex in your tale, and so I was forewarned and I supposed I should have moved on, but I took the risk. You write pretty well, but this story had too many flaws for me to give it more than a 3. Roger has a lot of problems so it's hard to like him. He's hypocritical about Crystal having a sexual history when he admits he was no choir boy, and her history was not that bad. Roger showed his immaturity then and there. Roger also immediately falls in low with Gail even though he's still married to Crystal; he needed to get divorced BEFORE moving onto her and her daughters. Did he not wear a wedding rings the first time he met Gail and her 2 daughters, and if not, why not? Then there is the pre-nup.... I'm not sure what state you live in, but where I practice law, both parties must be represented by their own, separate attorney. A pre-nup with just one attorney representing both parties is void on its face and would therefore be malpractice and unethical on the attorney's part. I also found it unbelievable that Roger did not have to sign a non-compete agreement for his job as a salesperson when he first started at B&B. I would have liked to have seen Crystal's character developed a bit more as she comes across as a rather immature jerk when it is her husband who basically abandons her for his sales job. The 2 Bellows characters are hard to follow ... one turns into a ghost while the other seems to be a milquetoast until the very end. I also found it hard to believe that Crystal was able to find Daryll after all of the years they were apart. For these reasons, I could only give you a 3.

Bravo, that was an interesting story that actually contains everything I expect from an LW story. I liked that very much.

The first 3 pages or so were good and building up to what looked like a good story then kind of fizzled after that. The ending seemed rushed, and not so good.

Not bad at all 4/5

I appreciate the effort you made to present this tale. You did a superb job and earned my 5 stars.

Hate to say it, but you had a great story going. Then you blew it. The ending didnt justify the characters.

I don't know how this got such a high score. Way, way, way too much back story, and extraneous bullshit. Put that together with changing POVs and I come up with a 3, tops.

Well done. I enjoyed every bit of it.

Enjoyable romp, Bellows the elder was wise until he was stupid as he helped our MC set up his life, a prenup, a career, and even solid real estate advice. But Bellows throws his own son to the wolves and due to the son's incompetence the business almost tanks. Add to that the LW who is an idiot who freezes out the husband almost immediately even though everything around her was obvious where it was going to end up. I think it would work better if the wife character was as developed as the main instead she becomes the prize in a game no one wants to win. I do think it's great that you citedThe office as the inspiration in this and while I did like the mains character throughout because he never actually made any mistakes, or always had some sort of guardian angel looking out for him throughout it made him unfailable and less relatable in the telling of the story. Still a lot of enjoyment here and I totally got my money's worth! :-)

Well written put together story. Someone who knows how to right.

So, he married a stupid bitch, who became a stupid whore. Because some asshole sucked up to her, complimented her, promoted her, all to get in her pants. And she thought that was trading up? And then she goes on to dedicate herself to a dead end life. Krystal was mentally retarded, and this is the woman the MC married. Who is surprised a dim wit high school slut became a dim wit trailer trash? Apparently her husband was, so what does that say about his ability to evaluate and discern character and morals?

Gail should be very careful about marrying someone that naive and so easily deceived; he ain't so smart after all.

An OK story, but kind of box cake plot and execution. Thanks for the effort.

Passing jogger intervenes. They attack jogger. One pulls knife on jogger. Jogger gets cut on arm. Homeless men may or may not immediately leave area of their encampment.

Then neither jogger, nor mother of the two girls decide to call the police. Really? So three relatively bad men are free to attack more young girls? Maybe next time actually finish the rape, assault, and maybe murder? Really?

Have I got this right?

Hard working Brilliant Bloke falls in love and marries.

Wife betrays him with his Worthless Boss.

BB wreaks substantial revenge on WB, divorces Wife and gains a new wife with adorable daughters.

This seems a pretty short story to fill 8 pages of predictability.

To be fair to the writer, I will admit to having read to the end.

Only one real issue and that is Crystal turns out to be a facile imbecile. It is always the problem in BTB misogyny that you have to make her some how loveable at the start so our “hero” doesn’t seem a complete clot for even smiling at the lass and the by mid story she has to have the morals of trump, the brains of tucker, and hopefully some rather nasty stds…later the hero forgives her maybe because despite pulling of some of the most inspiring legal and financial coups in western history he is after all the biggest imbecile in the story….well apart from his new partner who always has the body of a kardashian without the surgery…three stars for grammar and spelling

It was long and drawn out, but it was well written, creative and uncommonly held my interest. I also liked the climax and the ending. 4****

Men are like fish, they are hypnotized by shiny things. The shape and beauty of a woman turn even the best of men into a salmon lying on the shore gasping. And this guy isnt the brightest of men. That being said, the story is boilerplate, so it depends on the storytelling instead of content. As such it is average. This story would benefit from some judicious editing and increased dialogue. It drags a bit and begs down from the constant point of view of Roger, as though the whole thing is an internal thought dream. Kind of a virtual story lacking bite. It never engaged me or made me care.

Oh my God this was so boring and so dull and so uninteresting

@tralan69er, you said this is a good story.

What makes it good?

@tralan69er You know what, ignore my question earlier. I just remembered who you are.

-

@sbrooks103x, how do you managed to stop tralan69er from picking on your comments?

Thanks for writing, thanks for sharing. Very good work!

Seeing Harry’s comment reminded me how much I enjoyed this story!

A really good story but severly damaged by the random changes of PoV. Needs a rewrite.

What is it with the obsession for a backstory in the loving wives category? Why, in a story eight pages long do we have almost half that filled with overlong and tedious back story? It works in a novel when it's pertinent to the plot, here it's just boring padding of zero interest to the reader. If any backstory is needed it's much better to weave it here and there within framework of the narrative. There's a good chance that many readers gave up before the real action started, I almost did.

As for the rest of the story it was OK but nothing new with a predictable conclusion and some things verging on the absurd. For instance why, when our main character gets knifed saving a girl from rape, aren't the police involved? Rather it was handled as casually as if she fell off her bike. Then we have everybody going out of their way to ensure he becomes some super businessman, just doesn't happen, or maybe only in loving wives. We also had old man Bellows offering him a sum of money for his company, our hero wants double the price and the old guy agrees immediately, this from a guy who built and ran a successful company for many years, really? Also how does such a man allow two tossers so much power within his company in the first place and if everything is going along so well why hire them to start with. I guess it needed to happen to make a story but why so unrealistic? A sleazy bad guy can still be a sleazy bad guy without being a terrible worker, much the same as a guy can be the hero without being some kind of Saint, but maybe he has to be to get the obligatory hot love interest in the epilogue.

Way to many clichés and overlong, mainly due to the back story, with little action and what action there was, was quite formulaic and uninspiring. Thanks though for the effort but really needs to be a tad more original.

@kencoro, I stopped responding to them.

@kencoro, who is tralan?

Thanks for sharing…..

Was there a missing page in this story? Crystal is happily living with Gordon, then suddenly hopes for a reconciliation then ends living with Darryl in a trailer park despite her being portrayed as attracted to Gordon because of his status. WTF happened in her relationship in Gordon and how did she fall for Darryl, despite no hint of any attraction on her part? The last page came out of nowhere, it's like the author forgot parts of his own story or just got tired and wanted to end it.

Good read, enjoyable plot ending with a better life for our hero

Great story! A lot of the backstory could probably have been eliminated. It got tedious reading, looking to get back into the present. Still, mighty fine writing. 5/5!

Technically sound and a reasonable plot. However, it had very little emotional content - I really didn't care much what happened to any of the characters.

I dont think he reads people well. He is a good boxer and everyone punches him first when he isnt expecting it,

I liked the story.

Good read, but Roger is way too naive.

One fine story.

Interesting deep plot and entertaining.

Top ratings from me.

Nice job on the story. It was neither redundant or light in character development so there was no need for Gumbo to apologize in advance for the length of the story. Looking forward to you next posing.

Good story but the constant changing of point of view was very distracting. Also shifting fron third to first person several times was confusing. I think it's best to stick with one narrative and as few PoV shifts as possible. Thank you for sharing!

I enjoyed the story, but too much time was spent on subplots especially Roger's experiences growing up. This side piece was well written, but distracted me from the main story line 4 stars.

Cut by knife-wielding would-be kidnappers who live within walking distance from the girls’ home and he didn’t call police? or EMT?

Clumsy switching POV from Roger to objective voice.

Tacky to take her to Maui. At least make it Kauai.

I truly enjoy your stories, keep going! I have one small historical fact that all RWC (right-wing conspiracy) types like myself know.

Reagan didn’t come up with the phrase “trust but verify,” it is an old saying in the Kremlin, as the Kremlin has been around since 300AD or so as a center of Slavic cilviization.

In Russian the proverb rhymes, доверяй, но проверяй, “doveryay, no proveryay”

Why President Reagan was the great diplomat is he was earnest and interested in the people he met, he was told of this Russian proverb and he repeated it ( in Russian) quietly to Gorbachev during the disarmament treaties while they signed.

Gorbachev found it hilarious, and many Russian diplomats and intelligence officers had finally found a Western partner who would wished to draw down he Cold War. Twinge JFK and the partial ban treaties relationships had deteriorated, and while the Soviet Union of Socialist Republics were fracturing from internal strife, nobody had actually come to the table with fair and honest deal like Reagan/Bush Sr did when dealing with communists who knew a economic restructuring was coming.

Trust but verify said by Reagan to Gorbachev was such a significant moment in history, as it was the beginning of an end of the deep distrust between Eastern Europe with the West.

Nothing in history or life is every perfect, but the magnitude of what Reagan and Gorbachev accomplished years ago was to assure the world that large state on state conflicts would remain a thing of the distant past. Since 1945 there has not been a expansive war like the eight world wars that all encompassed 5 continents starting with the Seven Year’s War in 1756 that killed 22 million people.

Wars were getting worse, with genocide common place, it has been a long time since Europe has been at war, and hopefully we will never see a world at war again, that is the legacy that both America and Russia can be mutual proud of creating.

Trust, but verify

доверяй, но проверяй

doveryay, no proveryay

Good story, different from the others by the same author in some ways (the bad guy didn't die) but similar in others. Not bad though, very enjoyable. 5 stars.

Another great story and worthy of 5*. Your stories flow well and can't be considered BTB. The guys are too nice but definitely a refreshing change from the more hard one types.

Soon you will be one of the best writers on Lit! I enjoy your offerings very much.

Thanks for the story, unfortunately didn't really like it. We have a story about a fake tough guy, nice guy, dumbass and his imbicle of a wife. This story is overly long and padded and you constantly have the Mc bulldoze through red flags and warning signs to extend the plot. How many times did you write the character as saying "I'll have to keep and eye on that"? One time was so absurd especially since the very next sentence was about him leaving for Montana. How the hell are you going to keep a eye on things in another state dumbass? Also for a boxer that you prepped up so much, how was he blindsided in the bar? They were at a booth. Dude had to get up at some point and I'll assume the Mc has eyes for the sake of argument, should have seen it coming. Also, no revenge for that? And why would he ever go work for the same company that fucked him over so hard? There are a ton more plot holes (like Sr bellows hiring those clowns in the first place) but I think you get the point.

Arthur was no longer coming into the office regularly but Ted/Tab was there everyday and had to be aware of the inappropriate relationship Doebler had established with the receptionist, who just happened to be married to one of their best sales reps, who just happened to be working out of town on assignment by the company. Nonetheless, Ted/Tab did nothing to correct the situation even though he was responsible for bringing the fox into the hen house. There is no way the MC would agree to go back to working for or with a man who tolerated such an injustice and showed Roger no concern or respect.

⭐

Too bad he didn't work loverboy alil more. Would've liked to see him ended up in the hospital and more words on how he sucker punched him

Whilst the plot was ok the story was convoluted and for me was mundane. Two pages could have easily been removed and it would have made it a lot tighter.

Kinda weak. Lots of "I have a bad feeling about that" that ended in nothing. Everybody acts suspicious, gives him a funny look, insinuates something... then it's all forgotten and the story moves on.

All those little things implicitly promise a bigger, more complex resolution and the story ends up not delivering to the expectations.

Nice!