Tess and Josh

"That was a month before that day. I was still reeling from his affair when Adam came to visit with his sons, and then they wanted to take you to the show. I flipped. I finally confronted Adam. I told him that I'd blow the whole thing open if I ever saw him or his son's again. It would kill me, but you were more important than me."

"I'm not sorry for that. I will never be able to trust Adam, and I don't want to even try. But I am sorry that I couldn't trust you. I started to make all these rules for you, and I stood over you. I used to check through all your things, and I even spied on you when you went out with friends after school. I tried to force you to get baptized. It was all about trust, and I didn't have any, I didn't think you'd be able to control yourself."

"And when you turned sixteen, you turned against us. I was so angry, beyond anything else I'd ever experienced, I would have beaten you or locked you up, but your father overruled me, thankfully. He even hit me, the first time he ever had."

"I went to a counselor. She helped me a lot. I worked through what had happened with Adam, and with your father, and with you. I was able to fix my relationship with your father, we're doing ok, but I just couldn't figure out how to do the right thing with you."

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry. You were the most precious baby for me, I wanted my whole life to be about making things perfect for you. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let what had happened to me screw you up. And now look, I actually screwed you up myself."

He mother finally stopped talking, and collapsed on the table. Tess watched her in shock. She'd spent that last four years hating her mother, thinking they were so different, and all of a sudden she wasn't so sure that they were very different at all.

"Why didn't you tell me all this before?"

"I've only ever talked to two people about this, your father and the counselor. Each time tore me apart, and I was so scared to do this. And it's adult stuff, I knew that it would hurt you badly."

Tess thought about that. "Mum, it doesn't hurt me as much as some of the things that happened to me. You better tell Allie and Connor about this before they turn into adults the hard way."

"Yes. I'm doing a lot better with them. I've learnt from making all my mistakes with you. I hope that one day you'll forgive me."

"I think that I'm going to. But I'm really bothered by the cycle of abuse, it keeps happening again and again. I'd heard about it, but I didn't realize I was in it. How do I break that cycle?"

"Yes, it is a cycle. Something a little the same happened to your grandma, but I only found out about it a couple of years ago. The best answer I can give is to give your life to Jesus, and to find a man with a heart of gold. I think you might have one in Josh. If he does, you should do anything you can to keep him."

"I think he's the one, Mum, but I'm so young, way too young to get married. And I need to be intimate with him, it's driving me nuts."

"You're not too young, if you're sure. But do you know what real intimacy is? It's not just sex, even when it's good, and thanks to your father I finally know what that means. Real intimacy is when you throw up on him while you're breastfeeding, and you have to ask him to clean both of you up because you're too scared of nipple pain to stop feeding once you've started. If you want him to be the one you share that with, then he's the one for you."

"Yuck, does that have to happen?"

"No, it doesn't. That one happened to us, but something like that will happen, especially once you have kids."

"Mum, I'm not ready to have kids."

"No, you don't want to do that for years yet. But one day, you'll want to do it, and you need the right man for it. I think Josh is the man, but it's always your decision. I'm going to stop judging you and try to help you do what you want. It's your life, and it's more important to me that you are happy than that you listen to me."

* * * * *

That night, Tess called Josh to catch up on how his week was. He was a little withdrawn, he was waiting for her decision, and it hurt him, she knew. She pretty much knew what it was going to be, but she wanted to be real sure before she told him.

On Tuesday she went to see the counselor again, and talked through her decision. He gave her some questions to think about, so on Thursday she took the day off from Uni and went to the surf beach for the day. It was not nice weather, not a beach day at all, so she had the place to herself, and she sat in the dunes and worked through her life, writing down her list of reasons like the counselor suggested.

By the afternoon, she was sure. She remembered how she told Liz she expected to be hit with a bolt of lightning, and Liz had said that Jesus would rather hit her with a bolt of love. She knew that there had been one of them. Liz coming to visit. Her mother's confession and their new relationship. But most of all, Josh.

That afternoon, she prayed and gave her life to Jesus, and promised that come what may, she would always follow him. Since there was no one else around, she stripped her clothes off and went out into the wind and the cold pounding surf. Baptism, she knew, was being buried in the water and then being born again. As the surf blew her away again and again she felt somehow purified, and when she got back to her towel and wrapped herself with it as she shivered, she finally felt at peace with her life.

She left the beach with a mission. Josh. She had to find him. Tonight, Josh would be working on the mission kitchen in the central city, where they fed the homeless. Josh had encouraged her to come before, but she'd always avoided it. So he was quite surprised when she walked into the kitchen and volunteered to help. All night she stood next to Josh and cooked and cleaned. Every opportunity she had she touched him. When he started to respond, she hugged him, and said "Can we get a coffee after this?"

Once they got their coffees, she looked at him and said "I've made some big decisions."

Josh looked at her nervously.

"I'm getting baptized on Sunday. It's all organized."

"Tess, that's wonderful. I can't tell you how happy that makes me."

"Josh, I'm sure about what I'm doing. Very very sure, I'm doing it for myself and I know why. I have a lot to tell you about."

"Another decision is that I want you. With my whole heart and soul. I'll wait with you – but don't make me wait too long, because I love you."

Josh's smile set Tess' heart on fire. "Great, I love you too."

They kissed for a while.

"So, was that all your decisions?"

"No, there was one more. You, my love, you are going to learn to dance."

Josh drew in his breath. She could see exactly what he thought about this. He loved music, but he hated dancing. He had told her that he felt uncouth and stupid dancing.

"Is it wrong to dance?"

"No. I just don't like it."

"Well, you're going to learn to do it, for me, because I love it. You don't ever have to like it, just to do it for me."

"It's that important?"

"Yep."

"Ok. Let's start now."

Tess took him back to her house, to her room, and they spent an hour practicing. Well, some of an hour. When Josh lost his balance and fell with Tess in his arms, she just rolled on top of him and kissed him hard. When she felt his erection, she wriggled into it, feeling its size, and grinned inside. "Mine", she said to herself, and she knew that she could wait for it, the wait was an investment in the chance to enjoy it for a lifetime.

* * * * *

Chapter 5: All The Way

Tess helped Josh put the boxing gloves on, and then moved behind the punching bag to hold it. Josh didn't really like the punching bag, it didn't really fit with being a pacifist, and he was very serious about that. But it was good exercise, so she had got him into the routine of using it each time they went to the gym. But Tess still thought he didn't really let go and push himself with the punching bag.

He hit it a few times to warm up.

"Go on, hit it hard."

He hit it hard, but still not really putting himself into it.

"Come on, put yourself into it. Imagine that you're angry with it."

Josh glanced at her, and hit it a few more times.

"That's not hard. Come on, get angry."

She could see that he still wasn't getting it.

"Imagine that it's me. I cheated on you, cheated bad. You've never let off any steam about that. Come on, hit it, it's your cheating girlfriend."

Josh hit it. This time he really put himself into it, and for the first time, Tess slipped backwards a little.

"Harder. How do you really feel? You're being such a good guy, not sleeping with your girl, and she goes and screws some guy at a party."

Josh hit the bag a few more times. He was starting to breathe hard.

"What kind of a slut would let someone take a photo of that with her own phone and send it to her boyfriend? Didn't you get ripped off bad?"

Josh unleashed a torrent of punches on the bag. He stopped and looked at her with a smoldering anger in his eyes.

Tess' heart shook. Was this really a good idea? But she went with it anyway. "That's right, let go, really give it to the bag. Did it hurt? Did you really feel it? Did you think you would lose me?"

Josh let out a terrifying roar and absolutely launched himself at the bag, kicking and punching it. Tess pushed back as hard as she could, astounded at the raw rage coming from Josh. For a long minute he just went at the bag without a break, even head butting it. Tess was astounded at the rage and passion flowing out of him. Eventually, he stopped, looked at Tess in confusion, and collapsed.

She rushed around the bag, sat on the floor, and cradled him in her arms as he retched.

When he got his breath back, he said "Honey, what on earth was that all about?"

"I wanted to know whether had the passion I need in my mate, whether you can really lose that iron self-control that you have. I had to find out, and I wanted you to blow off the steam that you never did when I hurt you."

"What if I had hit you?"

"Well, I wouldn't have minded. If you'd kept hitting me, I still wouldn't have minded, but I warned Gino, and he would've pulled you off."

Josh looked up at the gym. Nearly everyone was stopped what they were doing watching him and Tess. Gino was standing close, smiling at them. Josh shuddered. Gino was a moving mountain, not a man.

Josh looked up at Tess. "So, did I pass the test?"

Tess nodded, and bent down to give him an intense kiss.

* * * * *

Tonight was the night, Tess knew. Josh was going to pop the question.

His volleyball team had won the league, and the league had decided to have a formal dinner to finish the season. She'd chosen a sensational sweeping gown that showed off her chest as well as anything she'd ever worn. Her mum had helped her with the dress, and had even seemed happy that the only other clothing Tess was wearing was a minimal g-string – not that Tess had owned any other kind of panties since she was sixteen - though she was glad that she'd remembered not to wear a see through pair since her mum still didn't know about the snake. She still hadn't figured out when she should tell Josh about the tattoo.

Tess sat at the table watching her man laughing and joking with his team mates and their partners, looking amazing in his suit and tie. Tonight, she said to herself, and grinned. Tess looked back to a couple of months ago. She had thought that she loved Josh, and the problem between her and Josh was that they weren't having sex. Now she had really fallen in love. She couldn't remember why she thought that she'd been in love before, that'd been nothing. Josh had been sort of a convenience, a nice and reassuring way to let off steam. Now, he was the beginning and end of her existence.

What had been wrong with their relationship wasn't that they weren't sharing their bodies, it was because they hadn't been sharing their hearts. Well, that had all changed. There were no secrets, nothing held back now. Josh's commitment and passion were growing by the day. She suspected that he'd the first to break this time, not her. But they'd decided to deal with their wanderlust by doing something outrageous occasionally. The week before, Tess had slept in Josh's bed for the night, which had been so lovely, even when it was a single bed and they'd been good and only cuddled, and they'd got up at 4 am to go air-ballooning over the city. Next time they planned to go sky-diving together, but they had to save up for that.

At the end of the night, Josh took Tess to the city beach. They'd left their shoes at the edge of the beach, and then Tess had hitched her dress up and they'd run across the beach together laughing and singing. When they got to the water's edge, they had paddled their toes in the water, and then Josh had got onto his knees in the wet sand, pulled a small box out of his pocket, and pulled out the ring that Tess had jokingly chosen in a jewelers store six months earlier.

"Tess, will you marry me."

Tess had let out a whoop of joy, pulled him up and jumped into his arms. When he'd fallen over and they'd both landed in the shallow water, she'd just laughed, kissed him and said "a thousand times YES".

After kissing for a while, Josh had said, "Tess, I think we've ruined your dress."

"No, you dummy, this is exactly what this dress was for. Now take me to your place and I can take it off."

It was only a short twenty minute ride to his apartment, but it felt like forever to Tess. As soon as they closed his door, she grabbed him and kissed him hard.

"Let's get this dress off you."

"Josh, I'm not wearing a bra under this one."

"I know, and I've been looking forward to this all evening."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Josh, now we've come this far, I don't want to blow it. We should wait till we're married."

"Yes we still will, but I want that dress off. Show me what you've got!"

The dress was wet and sandy, and it was very hard to get off, but Josh took great care with it. "I want you to wear this one again," he said. He gasped when he had finally eased the dress off her breasts, and put his hands to her chest. "Momma Mia, you are incredible," and she leant into him and kissed him.

"That was a princess bride moment, that one."

Tess nodded in agreement and then Josh took her to his bed, and took great pleasure and care in learning his way around her chest. She came twice while he was licking her nipples. The first time they'd both been surprised, she hadn't thought it would happen, and he hadn't seen it before, but the second time, he'd played her like his guitar, leading every step of the way, and she'd come from the masterful look in his eyes as much as the physical pleasure.

After that, "Josh, you haven't come."

"I'm going to wait. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it."

"Yep, you're going to be hard all right."

"How soon can we get married?"

"How about tonight?"

Josh laughed. "No, no, a real one. We don't need to cheat when we have the rest of our lives."

They agreed that there was no reason to wait, and they'd get married as soon as it could be arranged. Money was going to be a problem, they didn't even own a double bed between them, and Josh owed his parents quite a lot of money on the engagement ring. Tess didn't care. She'd sleep on the floor forever if she had to.

They talked about the wedding. Tess had great dreams for the wedding, but the more she wanted, the longer it would take. Josh said that he only had two rules for the wedding. The first was that their part of the wedding had to be over early enough so that they had energy in reserve for the really important part of the day, and the second was that Josh wanted to take her wedding dress off her himself.

Finally, they decided that he'd better take her home. She'd asked him for a t-shirt or something, since there was no way she could get the dress back on, and he'd said "Nah, I think you look good like that." Tess had that same thrill of naughtiness to ride home in his car wearing only her well saturated g-string and high heels, but this time it had a pleasant safeness added as well, and she nearly couldn't control herself.

It was two in the morning when Josh walked her to the door and kissed her deeply. "Josh, people can see."

"Let them, they'll have to contain their jealousy, you sexy thing." She giggled, and then he kissed her deeply again, stroking her buns and getting her worked up very quickly. "Good night."

She groaned, and then again when he also kissed her nipples and the ring good night, and finally she'd walked through the door with her dress over her arm, smelling of the beach and of sex.

When she got into the kitchen, her mother was up getting a drink of water. Her mother looked over her, swallowed, and then Tess could see her decide to say nothing. Tess went to say something defensive, and then realized that she could decide to be different too. She went over and hugged her mother, and then kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks mum."

"Did you have a good night?"

"Mum, look." And then Tess showed her the ring.

"Oh Tess, I'm so happy for you."

Her mother hugged her tight and cried, and then said, "Hang on, I'll get your dad, he's awake."

"Mum, I'm not wearing anything."

"Well, you walked through the door like that, and he won't mind."

"Mum, Josh wants to come around tomorrow and ask if he can marry me. Please don't tell Dad."

"He doesn't have to ask us."

"We know, but he wants to anyway."

"We're going to say yes. Especially when you walk in the door looking like that."

"Mum, I know what it looks like, but we didn't do it. We're going to wait."

"That wasn't what I was talking about, but I'm pleased. I was actually talking about the love in your eyes."

* * * * *

Tess entered the church on her father's arm. She felt like she was floating through the air, and when she saw the look on Josh's face when he first saw her, a bolt of love shot through her body. She was so lucky to get Josh, he was all of her dreams come true and she looked at him standing at the top of the aisle and licked her lips. When the got to the top of the aisle, and her father turned her to stand in front of Josh, facing him, she forgot about the rest of the people in the church. Tonight. Tonight he would get into her pants. Except that she wasn't wearing any. Her entire clothing consisted of her wedding dress, a garter, shoes, and her veil. Liz, her bridesmaid, had been quite amused by this, and Tess grinned again, licking her lips slowly to make sure that Josh noticed. She heard his intake of breath.

Patience, she had to be patient. "I do" she said when the marriage celebrant asked her. "I'll do anything, whatever it takes", she whispered to Josh, and he smiled and licked his own lips. Finally, it was time for the kiss, and she nearly attacked him.

"Five hours", he whispered to her.

"?" she looked at him back.

"Five hours till we do it."

Later, when the photos were being taken, Josh was kneeling in front of her with her dress lifted, and Josh holding the garter. After the photographer had taken the picture, Josh had slipped his hand further up her dress, and discovered she wasn't wearing anything under it. His finger flicked her labia, and he said "Four hours". She'd nearly come on the spot, in front of all the people watching, though she suspected that only a few had caught that byplay, it was very quick. And then Josh had straightened up with a sigh. Served him right, Tess thought, she hadn't been going to tell him till later that she had nothing on underneath her dress. Now they both had to suffer.

Then it was time for the reception, and they'd sat for a rest and some food. "Three hours", Tess had leaned over and said to Josh.