Texting Jokes Ch. 01 -07

What follows are a few original jokes that resulted from memes sent back and forth between friends who never found adulthood. I have several anal-themed jokes that follow and some that are not anal but still humorous.

Joke 1

LOCAL PAPER FOR SALE AD

Hey guys. I put... I mean, found something in the local paper that may interest you.

FOR SALE

1 small butt plug- used only once,

1 medium butt plug- like new,

1 large butt plug- no signs of wear,

Also,

FOR RENT

1 JUMBO butt plug

Weekdays only. Return by 5pm on Fridays

If you're interested let me know. I'll act as the middleman- not like, IN the middle. I mean like, LIAISON [lee-ay-zone]. If you need me to, I'll negotiate a 4 finger discount. Sorry, I can't do 5 fingers.

PS Can't negotiate until I return home. I'm currently sitting on a BEACH getting my salad tossed (somebody mentioned something about being hungry).

Stay cool. Don't drool, be a tool,or act a fool.

Joke 2

I went to a male doctor last week for a full physical.

Turns out I have proctolophobia.

I went again today to a female doctor.

Turns out I am a proctolophile.

Joke 3

In response to a meme of a crab holding a dildo...

I have not once been violated by a crab, but I got crabs being violated once.

Joke 4

In response to a meme of Ronald McBurger Clown and a "McAnally," road sign...

He could "McAnally," me anytime. Only problem is I have Megalo-papoutsiphobia (fear of big shoes).

So, I went in today for a non-traditional therapy approach to treat my phobia. I saw the Great Wizard Oz.

The end of that session proved proved fruitful in mitigating my last remaining vestige of irrational terror towards the offending oversized accoutrements.

The moment of my cure occurred just as I donned a pair-- given me by the Great Oz-- of rather rotund ruby red rubber slippers and repeated three times the following verse:

There's no place like my butt hole.

There's no place like my butt hole.

There's no place like my butt hole.

Next week I plan to see Oz for my other fear-- Gymno-coulrophobia (fear of naked clowns). Oz mentioned something about clown porn and make up. I look forward to being fear free.

Joke 5

There is a certain order to the universe. Change the sequence of that order for just one event, you may find your world going supernova.

Take the following sequence as one example:

1. Eat a ghost pepper with your bare fingers.

2. Thoroughly wash your hands.

3. Spank your Proboscis Monkey while twiddling your twink hole.

4. Orgasm and repeat.

Now, if you forget step 2 or place it anywhere else in the sequence, your Proboscis Monkey may turn into a Bald Uakari or maybe even a Colombian Red Howler.

As for the twink hole, well...

Uranus will turn into a Burning Ring of Fire. And you are guaranteed to contract Ring Around the Rosie.

Joke 6

I've decided to start my own seafood lunch truck business.

My specialty will be Pickled Rocky Mountain Oysters.

A friend mentioned that I should include Bearded Clams on the menu.

I told him I'd already had a business that offered Bearded Clams and it was a spectacular failure. The employees kept asking for afternoon naps and rides back to the nursing home for med time. It was simply too much hassle.

Not to mention the dental insurance costs-- every time they would finish a task, they'd leave their dentures behind.

But my friend's suggestion did give me an idea.

I was able to rehire those employees and drop the dental insurance. The food truck will have a new item added to the menu:

Fresh Bearded Clam Juice

It will be offered as a beverage, a dip, or as a dressing. Also available is the Head Chef's Daily Special:

Rocky Mountain Oysters dipped in Fresh Bearded Clam Juice

I'm also working on a Tube Steak Onion Ring combo.

Anyway, stop by anytime you get hungry. I got a coupon book if you're short on cash.

Bone Appa Teet

Joke 7

My wife (and myself by default) is very much into cuckoldry and BBC. And I'm not referring to the British TV network. She enjoys me witnessing while wanking as she entertains a BBC bull or two.

Her favorite activity is to assume a doggy position and let

the lucky lad "Ryan, Nolan."

his cojones into her colon.

Meanwhile, I'm required to lay underneath and play catcher.

For one scheduled rendezvous she chose to prep with a wax and bleach of her nether realm (booty hole). Soon, time came for our bull to "breed," her bared backdoor. After some warmup in the bullpen, he proceeded to repeatedly pitch strike after strike into her one-eyed sewer viewer.

A delightful miracle then occurred right before my eyes. Apparently, the bleaching agent had not been properly diluted. I watched, with no small glee, his great gargantuan gland fade from black to white and wither to a length and girth approximating my own venerable size.

Now he is no longer a BBC bull. The sad part, I reflected, is that I used to be a bull just like him.