Texting Jokes Ch. 08 -17

Here is the 2^nd compendium of texted jokes between friends. Still mostly anal-themed.

Joke 8

From a meme:

When she said, "O...... M.....G! Where did you learn to do that?"

You said, "Digging for the last potato chip in a Priiiingles can."

Then I replied, "I learned mine from stuffing a turkey... still only get to do either of 'em once a year... and I live alone."

Joke 9

Responding to a meme about a busty gal rated as a '10'.

Here's how they get rated in my book:

2 arms plus

2 usable hands plus

2 legs plus

2 usable breasts plus

1 head plus

3 usable holes

2+2+2+2+1+3=12

Yep, she's a '12' in my book-- so, way out of my league.

Now, if she were a dude;

2 arms plus

0 usable hands plus (2 if I'm passed out)

2 legs plus

0 usable breasts plus (2 if he's a he/she)

1 head plus

1 usable hole (2 if I'm really drunk and/or confused)

2+0+2+0+1+1=6 (or maybe 11)

Well, '6' is over the halfway mark, sooo...

Joke 10

Response to a meme of a greeting card showing a blue puzzle piece connected to the 'rear' opening of a pink puzzle piece-- with the caption, 'You Complete Me!"...

... Where did you find that card? I've been looking for something to give to my Filipino love doll for our 69^th Weekly Anniversary. And lube is so cliché-- I give her that almost daily. That card is perfect. Does it come in braille? You know, her eyesight's not so good. She looks like she's staring at nothing ALL the freaking time. It's a little creepy. I finally had to tell her to start wearing a sleep mask when we cuddle.

Joke 11

Was sent a meme of an over-sized and tense cartoon hero crammed into an undersized sky blue car, and stuck in rush hour traffic-- with the caption "Headed to work knowing someone is making more money than me by selling pics of their butt-hole online"

My reply:

Hold on...

Lemme finish some selfies first... (click, click, click... send, send, send)

[Hey, honey, does my butt-hole look too big?]...

... [Honey?]...

... Dude! Is that you in the blue car in front of me?

Wait... Was I on 'Talk-To-Text'?

Sunnuva...!!

UNSEND, UNSEND, UNSEND

Joke 12

Texted the next day (reference joke 11):

(click... send)

Hey, Sweetie! Does this plug make my butt-hole look too big?... Sweetie?...

{Oops! Wrong recipient.}

Hey, dude, if you get a photo from me-- not likely, as the attachment appears to be too big-- go ahead and delete it.

It's not what it looks like.

It's a shot of the portal from the newest Star Gate film, 'Stargate Unplugged Generation'

Joke 13

Response to a 4^th of July meme:

Sorry, can't chat right now. I'm in the backyard, sitting in a lawn chair, shades on, listening to fireworks, getting a rim job...

... {What the...?!}

OK, WHOOO LET THE DOOOG OUT? WHO, WHO?

... 2^nd text sometime later...

Serious rhetorical question. If a male canine licks my butt-hole and I orgasm (twice), does that make me gay, a BEASTie Boy, or just into CANilingus?

Joke 14

There are two things I learned last night.

If you are a man-- like me.

If you enjoy sub aquatic analingus (rim-job if you're paying for it)... like me.

There are two things you should get for your significant other(s).

1. A hot tub.

2. A nasal snorkel.

Note: Professionals do not need the snorkel. A long straw extending to their drug, alcohol, or tobacco of choice is as effective-- and gets you a 'buy-one-get-one-free' coupon.

I especially like it when they choose tobacco. It's always better to pay to have smoke blown up your butt. At least you know it's cumming.

Joke 15

I crossed a few things off of my bucket list last night-- and, no this not an anal joke.

1. Pinching lady nipples each time a firework 'pops and sparkles' while sitting naked in a hot tub.

2. Getting a tit job while watching fireworks and squatting naked in a hot tub.

I'm gonna cross at least one more off, tonight.

1. Getting a BJ from one chick and fingered/rimmed from her sister while standing naked in a hot tub and watching fireworks 'pop and sparkle'.

OK, that one is an anal joke.

Joke 16 (reference Joke 1)

My plugs and I went to group therapy, today.

They were all diagnosed with varying degrees of anal retentiveness.

On the bright side, our therapist, Dr. Ana Lin Gus, said I'm a very open-ended...

Sorry, auto correct....

... open-minded individual, but she would need to probe me deeper to confirm her theory.

By the way, she says her ethnic heritage is one 3^rd each Filipino, Inuit, and Finnish. She says most clients can usually see her Finnish.

Joke 17

Quote of the day:

"Don't look a gift GIMP in the keister."

-- Pulp Fiction (deleted scene)