Texting Jokes Ch. 18 -25

Third installment in the Texting Jokes series. Just some dudes being rude, or at least uncouth. Mostly anal stuff. But not all is as anal as it is butt-cracked up to be.

Joke 18

Let us begin with something cheesy and not at all anal. (Response to one of those Wally World memes)

You're so ugly they gave you a free sky diving coupon...

... redeemable only on the International Space Station or the one-way flight there.

Joke 19

Para bailar la cula

Se necesito una poca de gracia

--- La Bamba (director's cut), inspired by Ritchie and Donna's first date

[author's note: For those that don't know espanol, la cula is a feminized version of el culo. Think anal. And for those that know Spanish—the mistake is on purpose to make it rhyme.]

[A moment of silence for 'The day the music died'... ... ... Thank you, Don McLean.]

Joke 20

Getting old sucks.

My girlfriend really loves homemade jewelry.

So, I tried to make her a pearl necklace.

But all I could produce was a pearl bracelet...

... So, to make it up to her, I made matching anal beads.

Joke 21

Do not make the same mistakes I made.

If you ever decide to do your own Brazilian Butt Wax, follow these don't instructions:

1. Don't use scented candles to remove the wax.
2. If you do use scented candles, don't use the bacon scent.
3. If you do use the bacon scent, don't go to the vet, the pet store, or the dog park.
4. If you do go to these places, don't wear a kilt.
5. If you do wear a kilt, don't take a selfie and send it in a group text.

Joke 22

From our three greatest Fill-o Popsicles:

(China, Sage)

Confucius say, "Never stick butthole against gloryhole bigger than butthole."

(Nepal, Enlightened One)

The Buddha says, "Never put butthole against gloryhole no matter size of either hole."

(Alabama, Mama's Boy)

Forrest Gump said, "I'm not a smart man, but I know what a gloryhole is."

[Philosophy 101]

Joke 23

Response to a meme of a young lady farting in a hot tub (joke has nothing to do with the meme).

I almost forgot about the anal Joke of the Day. I will save it for tomorrow.

I am too busy watching animal porn...

... Teddy Bears.

The Care Bears are having a big-bear orgy.

Winnie the Pooh-Pooh just arrived with his jar of honey.

Watch out, Teddy Ruxpin. That's a honey-coated fist Winnie's going to stuff in your stuffing.

I see Cheer Bear near the corner bed. Is he rooting for Goldilocks or The Three Bears. Boy, she's got porridge comin' out all her holes. At least the blow-up bed looks comfortable. Careful with those claws.

Friend Bear is cozying up to someone. Is that... That's Smokey the Bear! And he brought Mary Jane! No wonder they're coughing and laughing and... Ewwwww! Gross! That is NOT how you smoke a joint.

Bedtime Bear just had a wet dream. Grumpy Bear looks mad. He wanted to be Bedtime's wet dream.

Birthday Bear just got his spankings. Way to show him who's in charge, Cindy Bear. Is that a strap-on jellystone she's wearing? She's shoving it jelly-bean deep into Birthday Bear; such a big gift she has.

Tenderheart and Love-A-Lot Bear are having a 'heart to heart-on'—they'll de-fur their separation until morning, otherwise the fur is gonna fly.

Br'er Bear appears to be in a bit of a Br'er Patch. After rubbing Good Luck Bear for... Well, anyway, his hands and other appendages seem stuck to Good Luck—as if Br'er had been pounding a Tar Baby.

Share Bear got herself sandwiched between Yogi Bear and Boo Boo. That's a heck of a Jellystone each one is packing—bigger AND smarter than the average bear. I bet they're having a pic-a-nic with her baskets.

Dang! TakeCare Bear and Funshine Bear just came in from their night shift jobs. Looks like it's time to say, 'good night' and start a new day with the rising sun. Wait, Funshine's got something rising. You better Take Care of that, Bear... Alright! Alright! Alright! They're joining the party!

This is orgy getting good. Glad I'm recording it.

Now, where is my honey jar?

Joke 24

Response to a meme with the caption "Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful woman with large breasts, a nice butt, and... oh... oh... OH GOD... Never mind..."

You had me at 'Premature.'

Sorry I replied so late. I fell asleep early, after a marathon of good-old-fashioned butt sex.

It sure sucks living alone.

I even missed my favorite prison sitcom... "Dropped Soap-On-A-Rope"

Joke 25

Following a few days of no texting any jokes or memes between our erstwhile buddies:

OK, you've had enough of a break.

Time to get back to the ShenANALgins.

Before that, did you know oven mitts make great sex toys. Especially the silicone ones:

Toss in Lube

Pop in your Tube

Down to the Pubes

While watching Boobs

Can even use ice Cubes

But don't be a Noob

Rinse out the Splooge

So they won't know it was You

And keep this between I and You

To give you fair hint ins

If I come a visit ins

Hide your mittens

And your virgins

Butt keeps your plugs... ins