The Adventures of Boipussy Pt. 04

Author's note: There's some French in this chapter. I've been to the cities described in this chapter and the one which will follow, but I don't speak any French. I've used Google to do the translation, so don't arc up at me if the algorithm didn't get it quite right. And as always, please let me know what you think about the story!

Months passed. Pete and Ace were still together. They were happy, but it wasn't an easy relationship, because they rarely saw each other. They still lived in different cities -- Pete in Atlanta, and Ace in Miami -- but their love of heavy metal and the mutual ambitions of their bands fused them together. They often called and texted each other, they occasionally had mutual online jerkoff sessions, and once, Ace mailed Pete a pair of his boxers that had soaked up his load one night. Pete put them in his underwear drawer, pulling them out now and again for a sniff while he jacked off, dreaming about his distant boyfriend as he inhaled his scent.

Carlos gradually pulled himself out of the deep depression he'd felt at Gorilla's shocking death, and as time slowly passed, he rediscovered the joy of being alive. After saving up his salary from Eternal and living like Gandhi for a couple of months, he'd accumulated enough cash to buy himself a new guitar. He purchased a Jackson DK2, with a lurid lime green and black finish. As soon as he started playing it in the store, he fell in love with it. The body was slightly smaller and lighter than the precious Ibanez he left at Gorilla's grave. The action was super-low, the whammy bar was hyper-sensitive to his touch, power chords required almost no effort at all, and the sustain he got from bending notes, even at a low volume, was out of this world. Even his mistakes sounded good, almost as if the guitar was playing itself. He looked at the price tag and winced a little, but there was no denying it -- this was the axe for him. He had to have it, and he couldn't wait to crank it up loud. It was the beginning of a fresh, new start.

Ass To Mouth got back into the rehearsal room and honed their set. Carlos brought three brand-new tunes to the band, all of which were works of dark art.

One of the benefits from working at Eternal was the freedom it gave Carlos to take time off when he needed to. He wasn't working in a vertically-integrated multidisciplinary agile team that operated a challenging corporate environment intent on breaking down internal silos in an everchanging and multidimensional market landscape, he was just doing a fuckin' job. And it was a pretty fuckin' cool job, too. He didn't have to think about corporate goals, cultural plans, sales targets, maintaining spreadsheets or filing reports; his focus was on booking bands, pouring beers, and rocking out.

He spent a lot of time with Pete during these months. They grew closer and got to know each other on a deeper level. For most of the time they'd known each other, Carlos had seen Pete as a kickass drummer with a hungry, wet mouth, but not much more than that. He didn't know him very well as a person, and he didn't particularly want to either, but the compassion and support Pete gave to Carlos when Gorilla died spoke to his soul. These days, they regularly met up for long, deep conversations, usually accompanied by coffee or beers. They talked about music, creativity and life, and when Carlos learned the dates for Pete's law school spring break, they began to plan a short tour of Canada. They hired two local roadies -- friends of friends with strong muscles -- to help with logistics, transport and everything else. The roadies knew they wouldn't be paid well, but they were aspiring musicians too, and they hoped to build some connections while on tour.

A2M and their small yet muscly roadcrew stowed their gear, packed their passports, and flew from Atlanta to Montréal. They'd booked four dates across Quebec and Ontario, flying back home via Toronto, where their short northern tour would end. None of them had ever been to Canada, and Pete had never been outside the States before. He applied for his very first passport to make this trip. Carlos had travelled to Mexico a few times to see family, but the rest of the band had very little international travel experience.

They touched down at Montréal International in the short daylight hours of early spring. As the plane's wheels skidded and gripped, Carlos looked out the window. It looked cold outside. Skies were heavy and grey. They disembarked and headed into the airport.

Pete gingerly approached the Canadian immigration officials and presented his documentation. One of the officials focused on the screen in front of him, then stared suspiciously at Pete, as if there was a blotch on his record. Pete didn't know, but the long stare was because the immigration official thought he was cute. He noticed Pete's sexy freckles. "Parlez-vouz français?"

Pete remembered some basic high-school French. "Excuse-moi?"

The immigration official shook his head with disdain before speaking in English. "Do you speak French?"

"No," Pete declared. "Not since high school. I can ask a policeman for directions in French, and I know the difference between left and right, but that's about all I've got." He felt a little nervous. "Is this going to be a problem?"

"No, of course not," the official smiled. "But let me give you some phrases you might find useful."

Pete nodded, still unsure whether he was going to be allowed into Canada. Was this an official language test? He knew some Canadians spoke French, and that in Montréal, most people did, but he didn't know if his inability to speak the language would bar him from entering the country. He hadn't read anything about this in his Lonely Planet guidebook.

Poor, innocent Pete.

"Repeat after me," said the official. "Tu es mignon."

Pete tried and got close. "What does that mean in English?"

"It means 'you're cute'. Try and say it again."

"Tu es mignon," Pete tried again. He thought 'mignon' was something to do with a steak. He wondered if the cows were cuter in Canada than back home.

"Now try this one," said the official. "Veux-tu venir à la maison avec moi?"

Pete tried, but he was tongue-tied. "What does that mean?"

The official smiled. "It means 'do you want to come home with me?'."

"OK," replied a flustered Pete. He just wanted to get his passport stamped so he could move on. "I'll try to remember that."

"Here's another phrase you might find useful," said the official. "Listen carefully. S'il te plait laisse moi te baiser."

Pete did his best. "What does that one mean?"

The official smiled. "It means 'please let me fuck you'."

Pete blushed. This wasn't the immigration experience he'd expected.

Carlos stepped forward, ignoring all border protocols. He didn't speak any French either, but he wanted to find out why Pete was being grilled. "Is there a problem with my friend's documentation?" He knew this was Pete's first use of his passport, and he was worried that something might be genuinely wrong with it.

The official was taken aback. He looked Carlos up and down. Fuck, he was sexier than the dude with the freckles. "No, there's no problem," he replied. "All good." He stamped Pete's passport and returned it to him. "Bienvenue au Canada, sexy," he said, watching Pete's ass nervously move through the gate.

Carlos was next in line, but following his recent intervention, he was already standing at the immigration official's desk. "You gonna let me in too?" he pouted. "I'm a Canada virgin. I need someone to take my Canada cherry. I need it so fucking bad. You gonna stamp my passport for me, or ... do you want to take me out back for a thorough examination? I promise there are no drugs hidden up my ass, but I won't be offended if you need to check. Also, I should declare here and now that I don't know how to speak any French, but my slutty Mexican mouth is eager to learn." He licked his lips.

The speechless immigration official's dick was hard as a fucking rock. He stamped Carlos's passport and waved him through.

Carlos blew the official a kiss on the way through. He bent over, pretending to tie a bootlace, but his only intention was to showcase his tight denim-clad ass to the immigration official. He provocatively slapped his freshly-stamped American passport on his cheeks as he stood up.

The rest of the A2M entourage made it through unscathed. They headed to the carousel to collect their luggage, only to learn that Montréal's transport workers were taking 'go-slow' industrial action. They sat around, waiting, with nothing to do. It looked cold as hell outside, but at least they were warm. Two hours later, their gear arrived. They caught the airport bus into the centre of town (also late due to the strike), and as they looked out the window, they barely saw a single word they recognised. Signs were in French, advertisements were in French, and it felt like everyone on the bus spoke French apart from them. The only thing that kept them from thinking they were actually *in* France were the huge American gas-guzzlers that clogged the streets.

They arrived at their hotel. "Merci beaucoup," said Pete, remembering some elementary school French as he offered the driver a tip.

"You don't need to tip for service in Canada," the driver said in English.

"Really?"

"Oui."

"Why not?" asked Pete.

"Because we get paid decent wages, not two bucks an hour like Americans get."

Carlos stepped forward. "Then why are you cunts on strike?" he challenged.

The driver had no response.

A2M collected their stuff and checked in to the hotel. They had some time to kill before heading to the venue. To save money, Carlos and Pete shared a hotel room (two single beds), and the other two band members shared another. Their roadies shared a third room.

Carlos looked around. Their room was cheap and gritty, but it wasn't Sleep Inn gritty. He remembered some of the terrible hotel rooms Gorilla's company used to book him into while he was pinballing around the continental United States, and it was moments like this that sometimes pulled him down. He was determined to shrug the negative emotions off; he had a show to play tonight. "Hey, Pete," he said.

Pete was diligently reading his Lonely Planet guidebook. He looked up. "Yeah?"

"What the fuck happened at immigration? What were they asking you?"

Pete put his thumb in the book to mark the page before closing the cover. "I swear that dude was flirting with me."

Carlos grinned. "What was he saying?"

Pete smiled. "He asked me if I spoke any French. At first, I thought it was gonna be a problem, but he told me some phrases I could use. I think the first one was 'you look like a cow', so I must've misunderstood him. The next one was something like 'want to come back to my dorm', and the last one was 'I'm gonna fuck you now'."

Carlos nodded. "He was definitely flirting with you, dude. I swear it's your freckles. They're cute as hell. Plus, your sexy Irish hair. No wonder Ace is so into you."

Pete blushed. He wondered what was going through Carlos's mind right now. He didn't respond.

"I need to shower before we go," Carlos declared. "You want the bathroom first?"

Pete was lost in thought, but Carlos's question brought him back to reality. "No, dude, go ahead. It's all yours."

*

They arrived at the venue, lugged in, and did their soundcheck. There were two bands playing tonight, and A2M was first on the bill, supporting a local metal act. After they'd set everything up, they headed out to find food. Carlos and Pete found a place that served Chinese takeout noodles. The weather was cold, but the food was hot, fresh and spicy. The four band members reconvened at the venue half an hour before they were due to hit the stage. They found a case of Molson waiting for them backstage, alongside a chilled bottle of Canadian vodka. They'd smash some beers later, but a few pre-show shots of local vodka went down well.

Their moment came, the lights dimmed, and Ass To Mouth ran out onstage. Carlos plugged his new axe into his amp and grabbed the microphone. "Bonne soirée, Montréal! Comment allez-vous!"

The crowd clapped politely. Carlos wasn't used to this kind of tepid, distant reaction. Maybe the crowd didn't know anything about A2M, maybe they were waiting impatiently for the headline act, or maybe they were just waiting to be impressed. Carlos assumed the latter and prepared to kick ass.

"We've come from Atlanta, Georgia, and we're called Ass To Mouth! Let's fuckin' rock!"

Pete clicked his drumsticks together to set the time, and they hammered into their opening song. Pete watched Carlos's ass sway across the stage as he sang his guts out. He remembered how much he loved watching Carlos's ass before he met Ace. He remembered how badly he wanted him. He put those thoughts out of his mind for now, concentrating on playing well.

They raced through their set, and 45 minutes later they left the stage to muted applause. They ran offstage and towelled down.

"Well, that was strange," said Carlos. "That's the kind of polite audience I'd expect if we played in a place like Japan or Korea, but not Canada." He waved his towel over his head. "Don't they like metal up here?"

"They probably don't know who we are," helped Pete. "It's a different country. We need to build up a following."

Carlos shrugged. "Maybe. I guess I just wasn't feeling it tonight. I'd always hoped our first international show would be something to remember, but it wasn't. I won't be writing about that in my autobiography. Everything felt flat. I couldn't get into the zone."

"It's not like when we play in Atlanta, where everyone in the metal scene knows who we are," Pete continued. "If we're gonna go all the way, this is the first big step of many. This is the life we want, right? I'm studying law, but do you really think I wanna be a lawyer? I wanna play helldrums for A2M until I'm dead. Every time we push ourselves further and further into new territory, we're gonna need to win new crowds over. You've read enough rock biographies to know that this is how it goes. Nobody ever lands at the peak. Most people here tonight would've been waiting for the headline act to play, and they wouldn't have even thought to find out who we are, but hopefully some people walked out of the show thinking 'who was that other band?' and they might google us and follow us on spotify. We can stop now, or we can keep going, but A2M doesn't exist without you, Carlos. If you're not here, I'm not here either. If you left and we kept playing without you, it'd be like watching INXS after Michael Hutchence died. It'd be embarrassing. It just wouldn't work. So it's up to you."

Carlos glared at Pete, and for a moment Pete felt scared, but the glare was a fierce recognition that his words had cut through, and that Carlos appreciated the truth of them. "You're 100% right. For a moment, I forgot just how hard this is gonna be, but I want it. I think we all do. And A2M doesn't exist without you either. You're our rock."

Their bandmates nodded in agreement.

"I thought Canada wouldn't be so different to playing at home," Carlos concluded, "but maybe it will be. Maybe we need to expect more of this while we're here."

They enjoyed a few beers backstage while the headline act played and the crowd cheered, but they lugged out as soon as they could. It had been a long day, and their hotel beckoned. Carlos shook hands with the bar manager on the way out. The manager thanked A2M for playing, and told them not to feel downhearted -- Montréal is a tough place to play. He said their share of tonight's proceeds would be forwarded to the band's account tomorrow as soon as tonight's accounts were done.

They headed back to their hotel. Their roadies looked after their equipment.

Pete and Ace entered their room. "I definitely need to take a shower after that," said Carlos, "but you go first."

"Wait, are you saying I stink?" Pete joked.

Carlos laughed. "No, dude, it's just ... whatever, I don't know, we both need a shower, so just go and take yours first."

For a fraction of a split second, Pete wondered what it'd feel like to take a shower with his sexy lead singer. But he knew they were only sharing a room, and hence also a bathroom, to save money. He put the thought out of his mind as he disrobed and stepped under the warm water.

Carlos turned the TV on and flipped through the channels, trying to find a station that broadcast in either English or Spanish. He gave up as he heard the shower faucet shut off. Moments later, Pete emerged with a towel around his waist.

"There are only two towels here," Pete reported, "so I assume that's one each."

Carlos's heart sank, and Pete noticed. "I know, dude, we need two towels each -- one for our body and one for our hair."

"Is there a hair dryer?" Carlos asked hopefully. Pete opened and closed various cabinets and eventually found one. "Thank fuck for that," said Carlos. "I can't go to sleep with wet hair. I'll be too cold."

Pete smiled as he tried to dry his hair with the same towel he used to dry his body. "Same. Anyway, the bathroom is now yours. Think strategically, friend -- there's only one dry towel left."

"This is my worst fucking nightmare," Carlos laughed. He undressed and turned the water on. Pete picked up the TV remote and scanned through the dial, trying to find something in English he could watch to pass the time. He got into bed and eventually landed on a rerun of a British comedy show which he assumed dated from the 1970s. Something about a bus company where everyone shouted at each other about how their buses were always late. This lack of ability to stick to a timetable, augmented with massive amounts of sexism and racism, was apparently hilarious. He watched out of curiosity more than anything.

The shower stopped and Carlos emerged, shaking his damp hair back. Pete gawked. FUCK, Carlos was a sexy man. The terrible British sitcom rolled on, but it was long-forgotten as Pete's eyes traced Carlos's every movement. Carlos had no idea he was being watched; in his own mind, he was stressing about not having a towel to wrap around his hair.

Pete sensed Carlos's distress. "Use my towel if you want."

Carlos stopped to think.

"I wiped my nuts and crack with it," Pete continued, "but if you're OK with that, go right ahead."

Carlos grabbed Pete's damp towel and wrapped it around his head.

Pete wondered how he was gonna sleep tonight. He missed Ace, but jesus fuckin' christ, he was sharing a hotel room with a man who was, without any doubt in the world, sex on legs.

Carlos climbed into his single bed. He plugged his phone in to recharge overnight, making sure to check he'd set an alarm for 10am. They were booked on a flight up to Québec City around noon, and their roadies had learned that the industrial disruption they experienced today wouldn't happen tomorrow. He looked at the TV. "What are you watching?"

The end credits rolled, and Pete turned the TV off. "It was a show called 'On The Buses'," he answered. "British. I think Canadians like old British things for some reason. It was fucking terrible, but it was the only show I could find that was in English. But even though they were speaking English, there were some parts where I could've used subtitles. They all just fucking shouted at each other for half an hour."

"Hard pass," Carlos responded. "Glad I spent that time in the shower."

Pete's dick twitched as he imagined warm water running through Carlos's hair, down his back and across his ass. "Was the water hot enough?"

"Yeah," said Carlos, scratching his balls under the covers. "Water was hot, but fuck, Canada is cold for spring." Despite the heating in the room, he felt a chill around his shoulders.

"I know," Pete agreed. "I'm not used to this either. And we're going even further north tomorrow." He got out of bed, wearing only his boxers, and walked to the window. He pulled back the curtain and saw streaks of white. "Fuck, dude, it's snowing out there."