The Age Of Innocence

In ways I was a bit sad when it was time to part as we had got on so well. I thought it was a pity we did not live in the same town as we were nearly the same age too.

I went into the shop and bought three pairs of jeans for under five pounds. They were too good to miss. I still got one out to look at while I was on the bus home. They were a dark indigo blue and the material felt rough. I still wondered though who had 43 inch legs it had on the label. She had told me to wear them and then wash them often and after a couple of months they would just be like hers and the legs would shrink to about 30 inches. That made me wonder who found that out and passed it on.

At least I liked the present I had got for my nan. I had bought a pin for her coat with a shamrock on. Nan liked things like that. It wasn't cheap but I would still buy her other things. In ways we were closer and I could not see a life without her now.

The girls at work loved my jeans when I walked in on my day off. They could not believe they were the same ones when they had teased me about the amount of turnups when I first wore them. So of course I had to tell them where I got them. I did not follow fashion and neither would I spend a lot on clothes as that was just a waste to me. I would rather save to make sure I would never be in the position of trying to scrape together a few pennies towards the end of the week to try and buy a bit of food like my nan had to often just to feed us.

Over the years what I did do was buy clothes that no one else I knew wore. The year I was 19 I was in Reading and looking around the market for presents as well as a short jacket for me. I saw some leather jackets for 15 pounds. They hummed a little but I tried a black one on that even though they were for men fitted me. It zipped up the front and looked cool so of course I bought it. My friends wanted to know where I got it so I had to tell them. We did laugh when I told them I had to give it a good airing to get the smell out but it was worth it we all agreed. It was nice too when people looked at what I wore as the leather jacket went well with my jeans.

The worst time for me was just after Christmas and not long before I turned 20. My nan died of a heart-attack. I wondered if she knew and was why she had my name down on the rentbook. She was only 75 and my being older I guess it hit me even harder because it felt like there was only me left of the family. It hit me harder too coming home to an empty house so I now often cried myself to sleep when thinking of nan and my mum. And for the first time in ages I felt really lonely even though I had the neighbours and friends at work. I did write to the family in Ireland but in truth they were just like strangers to me.

The neighbours were brilliant helping me out. The shop I worked for arranged the food I needed for after the funeral for neighbours and friends. Nan was buried in the churchyard up on the hill behind the town. Most of the neighbours were too old to make the journey and I did feel a bit sad I was the only family there to see her buried near my grandfather.

The middle of that year I moved into a one-bedroom flat not far from nan's. One of the neighbours knew of a married couple who had a baby and were looking for a transfer to a bigger place. I went along to see them and we got on well so we arranged to see the Council about an exchange. They were sorry to hear about my nan and remember seeing her when she walked to the shop when she was feeling up to it.

I did feel sad I had to give a lot of the furniture away. The family bought some of the better bits. I did feel better the things I gave away went to a charity for needy families and was sure nan would be pleased.

As the flat was small I took what I needed like nan's bed although got a new matress. The things in the kitchen I also took as they reminded me more of my life even though they were a bit worn.

Although I had packed all of nan's papers I did not really look through them until towards the end of the summer. There were some pictures I had never seen before. Some of mum from school as well as another girl that looked like mum. There were no family ones apart from mum's wedding which I found strange. There was dad's family one side and mum's parents the other. There was also a bridesmaid next to mum. On the back it had names and for the bridesmaid it had Sarah Jarvis.

One day I found myself popping into a phonebox after work. Sarah Jarvis had been on my mind a lot lately. So I looked in the phonebook where there was one S. Jarvis. It was a long shot I knew but I took the number and address down. If it was her then she lived in a flat not far from my secondary school. In ways I doubted it would be her as she was sure to be married and have another name.

I phoned the number on Saturday after work but there was no reply. So Sunday late afternoon I walked over towards the main road and tried the number again. It was picked up and it took me a moment to get my brain into gear and tell the woman I was trying to contact a Sarah Jarvis. She told me her name was Sarah. So I asked her if she was a bridesmaid at Susannah Parker's wedding and she told me she was. I told her then that she probably did not know me but I was Alice, Susannah's daughter. I knew that was a shock as I could hear it in her voice. I could hear too the sadness when she told me she had learned of my mum's death. I told her I had been living with my maternal nan since my mum's death. She seemed surprised I had not lived with my father. I did go to answer her but she asked if I would come and see her so she can hear all about it as my mum was her best friend. I told her I would love to so we arranged for me to go and see her the following Sunday and to come in the morning and stay for dinner if I had nothing planned. I told her I would love that. We did talk a little more about my nan as I had to tell her she had passed away just after Christmas. She was sad to hear that.

In ways I was a little nervous as I walked over to Sarah's place. More what she would think about me being Susannah's girl and if I would be a disappointment. I did wonder if she looked the same even though it was over 20 years since the wedding.

She had changed but more filled out I saw when she opened the door. Then she asked if I was Alice and I nodded. She gave me a lovely smile and opened her arms so I moved into them. She gave me a cuddle and still holding me she closed the door and led me into the flat. Near the kitchen she gave me another hug and told me I was so pretty just like my mum. I did blush as nobody but my friends told me I was pretty and I always thought they were just being nice. I did tell her she was still pretty like her picture. Her dark hair was curlier and her face a little fuller but she still looked like her picture. As she wanted to know I told her about the wedding photo. That did seem to please her I thought she still looked the same.

In ways she seemed reluctant to let me go so she could make us drinks. When they were ready she placed them on the coffee table and got me to sit next to her on the settee. I liked she cuddled me and between sips of our drink I told her everything. She gave me an extra cuddle and more to show she was sad for the life I had led.

She told me then she had married the year after my mum married. She did write to my mum when they moved away and then she heard nothing. She knew about me being born as my mum had told her and then the divorce. And it was only when she divorced when I must have been about ten and she moved back here to live she heard about my mum. She thought I must have gone to live with my father but could not find out where he lived. I did tell her everything and how I hated them and had not seen him since I was 5. She did admit she never knew what my mum saw in him as my mum was so sweet and thought she deserved better.

I told her then about the pictures and how there was a girl that looked just like my mum. She did admit she was surprised my nan had them. I admitted I did not understand. She cuddled me tighter and told me the girl was my mum's older sister and was called Annabelle. That did stun me for a moment before I admitted I had never heard of her.

It was still a bit of a shock to take it all in as she told me the story. Annabelle was two years older than my mum and when she was 18 she got pregnant. My nan was old fashioned and thought that was bad enough until my aunt told her she would not marry the man. No one knew who he was Sarah told me. What made it even worse was that Annabelle had a girlfriend who she went to live with when my nan kicked her out. Sarah did know my mum loved her sister too much to mind and kept in contact with her until she moved away. All Sarah could tell me was that when she came back to live here she had heard on the grapevine that Annabelle had a girl and when they moved back here they were meant to be living somewhere along the main road near the Mead. She thought it was in the end house in a row of old houses and close to the roundabout for the road to Bourne End. I told her I thought I knew where she meant. Sarah heard they may have moved after that but could not be absolutely sure. I did think that was sad my nan threw her out and Sarah thought so too especially as my mum and Anna as she preferred to be called then were very close. I thought I might see if I could find them and liked when Sarah said she would have to ask around.

Over more drinks she asked about me especially about dating. I told her I had never dated which surprised her. So I had to explain about clothes and then needing to save money to help nan as she only had a small pension. And now I was on my own I had to pay rent and that. I did admit when the weather was nice I walked all the way to town to work via the Rye. I told her it was nice to remember my times with mum when we spent my holidays there having picnics and playing on the swings and that. It was nice when Sarah told me about when she spent time there with my mum and Anna and all the places they had explored together.

I did cry and she cuddled me tight to her when she went and got a photo of her with my mum and Anna. She thought she was about 12 as Anna hugged the two girls to her. In ways she was just like mum as she held me and dried my eyes and kissed my forehead afterwards like mum used to do.

I had a really lovely day and Sarah seemed just as reluctant as I was for it to end. We hugged and kissed at her door and I promised I would keep in touch as well as visit often. I liked too that to her it felt like being with my mum again as I was so much like her.

On the walk home I often looked at the photo. Sarah had given it to me as she had a spare one. I did think about Anna a lot and wondered where she was and what happened to her girl and if I had more cousins. At least I did not feel so alone knowing I had close family out there somewhere. My dad I never thought about and not even the fact that I had at least a half-brother or sister out there.

In ways Sarah treated me more like a daughter. We met up often after work and would go and get something to eat. I would often visit her too every couple or so weeks and go for afternoon tea on a Sunday with her.

Most other Sundays I would take a stroll down the road and cross the Mead to the main road. I found the houses Sarah mentioned. Sometimes I would sit on the bench near the bus-stop and wonder if they might still live there. I never really saw anyone to ask although not sure I would have the courage to. Some buses did go to pull in so I would wave my hand side to side to indicate I did not want the bus if he was going to stop for me. It wasn't a request stop where you had to hold your hand up to indicate you wanted the bus to stop. Luckily there were not many buses on a Sunday to distract me.

It was the start of October I watched the bus coming from town. Mostly I watched the traffic in case people got the wrong idea and thinking I was casing the houses so as to rob them. It was no longer like the old days where you could leave doors open except near where I lived as we had nothing of value to steal.

I saw the bus pull over at the stop opposite before I watched it move away and then cross the roundabout to head towards Beaconsfield. When I turned back I saw the girl waiting for a break in the traffic so she could cross the road. I watched her from the corner of my eye not wanting her to see me looking at her. She looked familiar in a way but I could not place her.

When she reached me and looked at me for some reason my heart seemed to skip a beat before she said "hi" so I said "hi" back. She told me then I had missed my bus and would have a long wait. I told her I wasn't waiting for the bus and was just having a rest as I was out getting some fresh air. After she joined me sitting by me we mostly talked about the weather as it was still quite warm for this time of year.

When she said she had not seen me around before I told her I lived in Kings Road. She told me she lived in Queens Road. I had to admit I did not know where that was so she told me I turned right at the roundabout and opposite the shops halfway down was the road where she lived. She told me she was Abigail and held her hand out. I told her I was Alice and shook her hand.

After then we mostly talked about where we went to school. She was three years older than me when I told her I was 20 and would be 21 this March coming. We had both gone to the same junior and secondary schools and talked about what we remembered. As she thought I looked familiar we tried to work out if we knew if our paths had crossed. I did confess I was called rags at school and she thought she might have remembered me from the playground. So we finally decided that was probably where we knew each other from.

I did wave to her when we parted as we both headed to our own homes. I did feel sad I might not see her again especially as I did not know her last name and had forgot to tell her mine.

Even in bed that night I lay awake thinking about her. I did wonder if she was married although I had not looked for a ring. She was very pretty though with her blonde hair slightly darker than mine. Her eyes were blue too and in ways I thought we had similar features although she was a couple of inches taller than me.

The weather got colder so when I did take walks I never lingered for long. I wished I had remembered what time that bus was that Abigail had been on and wondering if I would ever get the the chance to see her again.

I still saw Sarah lots and in ways saw her more as a surrogate mother. I was loathe to ever want to lose her out of my life as she was a link to my mum. I loved too when she told me things she remembered and what mischief they got up to. I would even tell her what I did with my two friends like the rope and when we tried to get a penny for the guy. It was nice when she told me how she, my mum and Anna did the same. In ways that made me feel closer to mum as well as Sarah and Anna and that we had probably even tramped the same streets during our childhoods.

I spent Christmas with Sarah sleeping in her spare room. We decorated the place. I did cry a little and Sarah hugged me as it reminded me of my last Christmas with mum just before she died. We had never really celebrated Christmas at my nan's. We did not have the money. Each year we did get a couple of packs of strips of coloured paper where you licked the ends and made chains to hang from the ceiling in the kitchen. Apart from a few Chinese Christmas lanterns that was it.

It was nice she let me help her cook the turkey with all the trimmings. We even gave each other presents like earrings and that. I bought her a headscarf and leather gloves while she bought me knitted scarfs and gloves to keep me warm knowing I still mostly walked to work as well as took walks weekends. I had told her about walking to where my aunt had lived. I did admit I had seen no one to ask although not sure I could get up the courage to ask anyone if they remembered two women who lived together.

It was a couple of weeks after Christmas when Sarah told me she had heard Anna had lived down Queens Road but not sure where. The friend who told her admitted it was a while back when she had heard so could not be sure if they were still living there. I did admit I knew where it was. I did find it strange that although it would be nice if Anna still lived there my thoughts were mainly of Abigail and whether I would get the chance to meet her again. Why I hoped I would I could not fathom out the reason why.

When I got the chance I walked along Queens Road. There were lots of flats and quite a few houses at the far end. I did scan the flats and that as I walked slowly up and down the road. Not that I was sure if I would recognize my aunt if she still lived there. I was a bit disappointed too even if I knew that was a stupid thought that I had not seen Abigail. I even stopped and went in the nearest phonebox but there was no listing for an A. Parker in the telephone directory.

It must have been getting on for nearly a month later when I got the chance to go there again. This time I saw Abigail at the window of the top flat the next one in from the end as I was heading home. As she waved I waved back then she disappeared. It wasn't long after I had walked a bit further along the road I head her call my name. I turned to see her there at the bottom of the steps that ran up the side of the flats. So I turned and walked back to her.

After greetings she asked what I was doing so I told her just taking a walk. She asked if I was hoping to see her. I nodded as it seemed easier and safer for some reason than saying the word "yes". She told me she had hoped to see me again and smiled so I smiled back. I wasn't sure why she was and it felt safer too not to ask.

While we stood there she told me she liked my scarf. I had my jacket open as it was a bit too warm as I had a knitted jumper on as well. I watched as she softly stroked the scarf and even though I watched her I saw her hand move down. She moved it to the crotch of my jeans and pressed slightly. I did open my mouth to speak but no words came out as I felt a fire begin in my lower belly before it began to spread out. I was sure she had to hear my heart thundering in my chest like a steam train and going twenty to the dozen while I could hear the blood surging in my ears.

There was no thought about who could have seen as I tried to pull my brain back into gear. All I could think was that I was feeling nervous yet excited at the same time. And when I felt her hand move away while we watched each other I fled. I even turned the wrong way at the end of her road and when I reached the small roundabout I realized I was at the far end of my road so made my way home after getting my breath back.

I did curse myself as I walked home when I realized the truth of why I had run. It wasn't Abigail that had frightened me. It was the force of the emotion I felt wanting her. I did wonder if she had to like girls with her touching me there but that seemed to dwindle too knowing how little it seemed compared to the very strong urge I had felt wanting to touch her back.

It took me almost another month just to get up the courage to go back. I had to keep telling myself it was to find my aunt and not because of Abigail.

I was heading back down the road although walked slowly. I saw her at the window but she didn't wave. That made me feel sad. I did let her see as I crossed the road and walked towards the bottom of the steps. If she didn't appear then I wasn't sure what I would do.

It felt like ages before she stood at the top of the stairs. I did not hide my sadness as she had not greeted me although I had said "hi". I saw her hesitate before she finally held out her hand. I rushed up to her. After taking hold of her hand I told her I was sorry. When she asked what for I told her I was sorry for running away before. She told me she was sorry for frightening me away. I shook my head. She did not seem so sure so I shook my head again and told her I was frightened of what I felt. I could see she did not understand before she she told me she didn't. When she asked if I wanted to come up for coffee I told her "yes please". I gave her a smile hoping she would understand how much I wanted to and felt better when she gave me a smile back.