All Comments on 'The Awakening Ch. 11-20'

The plot is good

but it seems the chapters could get better if you write some more details as well as some past about characters

your style is fine and if people say that it doesn't look good when the dialogues are written as in a play ignore them

they have nothing better to day then whine small things

don't let those buggers distract you

the chapters should get somewhat longer with more details and some juicy scenes

Dark ones as well as some sex

and if you can put that dark side in caly forward for some scenes that would be good

and not revealing all the things every character can do is good

make them appear gradually

i liked your story

post the next part soon

I agree with the previous person, you could detail more and make it a bit longer, but that is just the greedy side of me, I love the story so far and next destination is really getting me exited! love that place! spooky and mysterious! I want to know what will they find!

In regards to how it was written, to me both ways seemed fine, I was comfortable in both styles, this one tho has like a bit more detail, I can tell you are experimenting on your own way with it, doing a great job! but my advice? write how you feel more comfortable, only that way you will deliver us the best you are capable of ;)

I'll start by saying I like the story line. Good potential, but does need some work. The dialogue is stilted, in both forms. The first entry you wrte it like a transcript, as a police interview or trial would be written. This gives very little if any context or emotion to the writing. The current submission shows some improvement but misses much of the reasons for a change in style. It is not just a matter of throwing quotes around each sentence. It would be an improvement if you added says, exclaims, mutters, groans out when describing your dialogue. What would really bring your dialogue to life would be more descriptive language. Some example would be: whispers passionately (when characters are inimate but not wanting to be heard), exclaims in suprise (when an angel tells yet another shocking tidbit), says timidly (as she blushes and replies to something shyly but not knowing how it will be received).

The point of this is that it has the potential to add depth to your dialogue and add life to your characters interactions. You've had comments that your first effort was much like a play and it was, just without the actors bringing it to life. That is why you should change your style.

The idea is a good one. In general terms it is well done. In more specific terms, it needs a bit of work to fix grammatical errors. Your writing style leaves me believing that English is not your first language. You get words out of order in English that would be fine in other languages. You use words that are not correct for what you mean to say. You really need a good editor who can work with you and understand and communicate with you and help you to get it out properly.

Dialog is much better in this form. It is how it is supposed to be written in a story.

I really apreciate your comments.

@Gemini yes, english is not my native language. I hope you read the following chapters and saw some improvement. I worked with a wonderful editor on some but he just got too much work after and we could not continue.

The story is in my head tho, so I will keep writting.

Chapter 11, page 1 corrections:

"I told you not to call me like that...” This should be "I told you not to call me that!”

The ellipse (. . .) does not take the place of a period (.) Use the ellipse only when a sentence is truly interrupted and unfinished. Also, you have use the ellipse in cases where the correct punctuation should be the mdash (—).

"Did I slept much?” should be "Did I sleep much?”

"asked me how were the investigations going," should be "asked me how the investigations were going"

"I did not thought it well then" should be "I did not think it well then"

NOTE: I see a pattern of using the past tense form of the verb following “did.” It should be the present tense form.

prevent something bad is set loose should be prevent something bad from being set loose

"We need to start making some actions, after the last attempt on their side, there has been rumors spreading and we need to show a united front.” should be "We need to start taking some action; after the last attempt on their side, there have been bad rumors spreading and we need to show a united front."

"her loved one made her bow to help me" should be "her loved one made her vow to help me” Note: the rest of this paragraph needs appropriate mdashes and periods.

"By Friday, Amra was aware of the people they would met, only 5 key destinations and no more, the 5 main generals would meet and review Elaine's last orders to be given on Sunday." should be "By Friday, Amra was aware of the people and the 5 main generals they would meet, the

5 key destinations they would visit, and had reviewed Elaine’s last orders which would be given on Sunday.”

THIS IS NOT ALL; I DID NOT CORRECT THE REALLY MINOR ERRORS.