The Big Tits Club Ch. 47-48

I shook my head. "This isn't about balance."

"Then what IS it about."

"Me trying and failing to emotionally withdraw from you."

Sam frowned. "You're trying to emotionally withdraw from me?"

"Well YOU did it first."

"Me?"

"Haven't you? For months already?"

"What are you TALKING about?"

"That night... No, it was morning. Friday morning. I tried to wake you up by pushing myself into you but you woke up first and ended up on top of me. You weren't even fucking me -- we were just making out and then suddenly I came, remember?"

Sam gave me a wry grin. "Yes, I was there."

"You're just so... so... You're beautiful."

"You said that already." She smiled. "Not that I mind you saying it again."

I shook my head. "It's more than physical beauty. I actually meant to compliment your soul, if that makes any sense."

She looked confused. "Not really. My soul?"

I experimented with other phrases, trying to find the right one. "Your heart. Your inner nature. Your true self - yes, that's it - your true self. When the mask falls away and your true face is revealed."

Sam chuckled and shook her head. "I'm not following you."

"'Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,'" I quoted, almost to myself.

"What?"

I took a deep breath, realizing how much I was rambling. My brain felt like it had turned to jello, as if I'd blown its entire infrastructure out through my penis a minute earlier. Struggling to make sense of my jumbled thoughts, I turned and stared out into the middle distance as I tried to explain, "It's easy to feel 'in love' when everything is going well. When life is untroubled and there's plenty of time and space for passion and lust, a relationship feels easy. But it's when things aren't going so well, when you're sad or frustrated or... or when you hear your girlfriend scream another man's name while you're having sex... that's when you find out what real love is."

I paused and looked back down at her.

"When I was feeling at my worst, you were there for me. I went off walking by myself, and you pulled over and walked with me. That same night, you called your mom and told her you needed to stay with me instead of going home. Then, the morning after the big fight in Santa Cruz and everyone was packing up and getting ready to leave, you went out of your way to give me a blowjob just to make me feel better." I bent down and gently kissed her. "I don't think I ever properly said thank you."

Sam smiled, her eyes twinkling. "I distinctly remember you saying 'thank you' after the Santa Cruz blowjob."

"But I never told you before how much I really appreciated it - being there for me after the whole thing went down with Neevie more than the blowjob, at least. That's just your nature. Even before we started having sex, I can think of a half-dozen times off the top of my head when you cleared time out of your busy schedule just to be there for me. Second semester junior year when I had that freak-out over not having all of my U.S. History memorized before the final. You stayed with me until like eleven at night drilling me instead of worrying about your own finals."

She shrugged. "I knew I'd ace mine and wanted to make sure you aced yours."

"Sophomore year just before Christmas, I had an emotional breakdown over feeling like an orphan. You spent like three hours reminding me how much my friends cared about me. I still vividly remember the way you set your forehead against mine and just sort of... hummed... while hugging me. It made me feel so much better."

Sam smiled. "I remember that day too."

"And it's not even just about me." I paused and grinned. "I remember Zofi being appreciative for you spending a whole day following us around San Francisco taking photos for her Roman Holiday date. You have this crazy jam-packed schedule and sometimes it feels like you're never around. But when something's important -- when it really matters for you to be there -- you drop everything to truly be there. That's special."

Sam blushed. "I really don't think it's such a big deal. Any friend would do so."

I shook my head. "YOU were there for me when I needed you most. It's easy for a friend to come hang out when everything is going great and then disappear when things get tough. You're absent when I don't really need you around, and that's fine, because when I DO need you around, you're there."

"YOU'RE the one who's here for ME right now."

"And I'm super glad you came here in your time of need."

"Well, with anybody else I'd be imposing. You DO have a spare guest room. And of course your mum is super-cool."

"She did turn out to be super-cool, I'll admit." I arched an eyebrow. "But are you saying that if, say, Alice had a spare bedroom, you'd have shown up on her doorstep that night?"

"Well... no..." Sam blushed and gave me a coy look, the one that told me I was super-special to her even though she didn't really want to admit it.

That idea that I was as super-special to her as she was to me gave me hope. It made me say what I said next. I still hesitated -- I knew what this confession might mean, knew how much harm it could do, and some truths are best left unsaid. But I still said it anyway. Maybe things would work out well. Maybe I would not only NOT fuck up our friendship, but a new door might open for us.

So I took a deep breath and confessed, "You are the most amazing young woman I've ever met, bar none. I respect your drive and determination. There's not a single ounce of laziness in your entire body, and that's a little intimidating, actually. You're intelligent, and kind, and of course unspeakably gorgeous -- especially now, naked and wonderfully flushed in the afterglow."

Sam started to look worried. "Where are you going with this?"

"Neevie's plan worked."

Sam frowned. "You're not making any sense."

"Her little round robin to have each of you date me for a week and see how things went. Now I realize we didn't plan this, and in fact you specifically said you weren't going to take a Girlfriend of the Week slot. But then this thing with your parents happened, you've now lived me with me for more than a week, and look at where we are. Turns out that you actually got your Girlfriend of the Week slot." Our two bodies were still intimately joined together, and I bent down to kiss her quickly. "I spent a week each with Mari and Alice, three weeks with Holly, and a week with Neevie. While I never quite got that magnetic pull with any of the other girls telling me I really needed to change the parameters of our relationship, I found that pull with you."

"What are you saying?"

"'Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides,'" I quoted.

"What?"

I smirked and shook my head. "Long story. It's a quote Neevie and I have been talking about recently."

"Neevie?" Sam's voice was dry.

"It basically means me saying 'I love you' to anyone seconds after squirting is the orgasm talking and not real. Or at least, that kind of love won't last."

"Oh, so this is the orgasm talking and not real?"

"No, it's totally real." I shook my head. "We're well past the orgasm phase now. The blissful afterglow of ejaculatory relief has passed, and all that's left is how I truly feel."

"Which is?"

"I love you. I know it. I feel it. When the passion of sex fades away and all I'm left with is how much I want and need you to be a permanent part of my life... I mean... I want and need you to be a permanent part of my life."

Sam's eyes got BIG. "Matty..." she muttered in a warning tone, looking concerned.

"Look, I'm not talking wedding bells and nurseries or anything like that. You told me before that you didn't have time to date me because you were focused on your studies and your career and all that jazz. I'm not asking you to become my girlfriend or in any way change the way you're going about your life."

She nodded and gave me a little smile. "Thank you for that. I've told you before I can't be your girlfriend."

"I remember. I mean, I belong to the BTC collectively and you've made clear that you don't want to date me or anything like that. Your school and career come first. I totally get that."

She frowned and looked confused. "Then what do you want from me?"

"Nothing. I want everything to stay exactly the same as it's always been. You've made clear you don't want to become my girlfriend, and I respect your focus on your studies. Our current level of intimacy, the cozy way you've slipped into my life and into my bed each morning: it's already more than I could have ever hoped for."

Sam visibly relaxed.

"But I can't hide the fact that I love you, Sam," I stated sincerely without a trace of hesitation. I didn't need to think about it. I didn't need to pause to consider whether or not I really meant the words. I felt the words. I knew I loved her. And I always would. "I tried emotionally withdrawing to keep these feelings in check, but it's only been a few days and I already don't think I can do it. I tried to convince everyone I was pulling away from you to keep the BTC 'in balance'. But that's a bald-faced lie. I LOVE you. I can't help it, and you deserve to know the truth. I can't even explain exactly how it happened, but it happened. I guess the best way I can describe it is: you got what you wanted in the end. You won the round robin. You're my favorite. When we're together, I don't think I'll be able to pretend that you're not. I really hope you'll understand."

I wanted her to understand. I hoped she'd understand.

I'd hoped she would be happy.

A few months ago she'd wanted to be my favorite, didn't she?

But apparently I was wrong, because the next thing I knew Sam was shoving me out of her. She rolled off the bed while muttering, "No-no-no-no-NO!"

And then she immediately fled from the room.