The Black Sheep

I soon decided that worrying about it would only make things worse, so instead I turned my attentions to enjoying the rest of the evening... and also giving Robert a night he wouldn't soon forget.

Chapter 5

The morning was grey and muggy. A light drizzle had settled in and was coating everything in a grimy wetness that was enough to crush all but the strongest of spirits. The forecast had said that it would clear up by about lunchtime, but I didn't hold out much hope for that.

Usually, I'd be the first to complain about the weather. More often than not a grotty morning would set me up in a bad mood that would last the rest of the day, but today was different. Today I had a smile on my face and I wanted the world to know about it. Last night I fucked my brother so hard and so long that I thought I had died and gone to heaven, and I wanted to tell everybody... but I couldn't. This used to bring me down - thinking that I could never be truthful about the man I loved - but in a way I had gotten used to the secrets. And it was kind of exciting, sitting next to my brother in public, knowing what we both knew, giving each other smug looks while the rest of the world remained oblivious.

I yawned a satisfied yawn and scoured the park for my little brother. He had yet to arrive, so I leant back on the bench closed my eyes and smiled to myself about how deliciously sore I still was.

Last night was almost as intense as the first time we discovered each other. As we arrived home from the restaurant Robert couldn't keep his grubby little hands off me, and he was rubbing me into a frenzy before I had even gotten my coat off. Soon we were in my room, tearing at each other's clothes and kissing passionately as our parents watched with a twisted look of pride about them.

Mum and dad soon filtered off to their own room and started humping for England. Both Robert and myself could hear them through the wall, and we began to get vocal in response. Soon it was like some kind of twisted competition to see who could fuck louder, with both couples virtually screaming... god only knows what the neighbours must have thought.

Soon I got a funny feeling I was being watched, so I opened my eyes and flashed a smile at Christopher, who was standing over me silently.

"Hey little bro. How's things?"

Christopher sat next to me, took a sip from his Starbucks coffee cup and winced.

"Ugh..."

"That good huh?"

I looked him over in the pale morning sunlight. Somehow he seemed forlorn and world weary. As if he had suddenly grown up while I was away and become a cynical old man.

He had a thin layer of blonde stubble across his chiselled jaw and bags under his bright blue eyes. His copper-blonde cropped hair was a bedraggled mess, but he still looked kind of cute - in a grubby 'mountain man' kind of way.

His hair and eye colour he got from mum's side of the family. Both myself and Robert took after dad as we both had green eyes and blonde-brown hair. If you placed Chris next to Robert and myself, you probably wouldn't know we were related. This was just another in a long list of reasons why he felt like the outsider. There was nothing anybody could do about it, of course, but I felt for him all the same.

He wasn't wearing a coat, which worried me with the weather being the way it was, and his white cotton shirt had become partially see-through and had begun to cling to his thin but well toned torso. I could just about make out a bloodied bandage covering his right bicep, and immediately I knew he had been up to his old tricks.

"What happened to your arm?" It was more of a hypothetical question than an actual query. Obviously I knew what had happened, and he knew I knew what had happened. Come to think of it, I don't even know why I bothered asking.

"Chain-saw wielding maniac." He replied in a sarcastic tone.

I frowned at him, making it perfectly clear that I did not appreciate his sardonic attitude. "You haven't been taking your medication, have you?"

"Not that its any of your business Jess, but yes, I have... for all the bloody good it does."

"Hey, don't bite my head off. It's not like I can help being concerned you know."

"Yeah, I know... sorry. I'm just a little on edge at the moment."

"That's ok bro. I understand." And with that, I placed my hand on his leg. It wasn't meant to be anything other than a comforting gesture, but almost immediately he withdrew and shifted across the bench, looking most uncomfortable.

"Hey, what's that all about? I'm not contagious you know."

"Ugh... sorry... again. I'm just in a weird sort of place at the moment. Hell I don't know what's wrong with me."

Of course, I knew what was wrong. He had caught his own brother making mad, passionate love to his mother and now everything he thought he knew about family ties and boundaries was thrown up in the air. The poor kid must have been so confused and my heart ached when I saw the bewildered look in his eyes. At that point I just wanted to rush over there, hug him close and tell him it would all be alright... but I knew I couldn't. The way he was feeling he might never speak to me again if I put out the wrong signal.

"So... you're still not gonna tell me what our brother has done to piss you off so much?"

"I really don't think that its appropriate Jess."

"So, what about mum and dad? Are you going to punish them for whatever he's done?"

"It's not about punishing people Jess... I just can't face them at the moment."

"Why not? Why cant you face your own parents?"

Christopher developed a 'rabbit caught in the headlights' type expression and I knew my interrogation was hurting him, but god help me, he needed to talk about it, it was the only way.

"I... Jess I really cant say."

"You can be so selfish sometimes, you know that? Mum is distraught, she doesn't know what to do about this. She's hurting and its your fault."

"No Jess, its not my fault. You don't understand..."

I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep this up. My little brother's pain was evidently growing with every stupid word that came out of my mouth, but it couldn't be helped.

"And did you even consider what effect this was having on me? The tension in the house is unbearable. I couldn't wait for my summer at home, but now you've ruined it."

"Jess I..."

"Tell me!"

"I cant..."

"Tell me!"

"Rob and mum were..." He stopped short, just as he was about to let it all out. I was so close now I couldn't possibly give up.

"What Chris? What were they doing?"

"I..."

"Tell me what you saw Chris."

My little brother's expression then changed and he looked directly at me with skeptical eyes.

"You know... don't you."

Suddenly I felt like a kid who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, and I shifted uncomfortably.

"Um... know what?" I looked right back at him with the most innocent face I could muster, but even I wasn't convinced by that one.

"Don't bullshit me Jess. I may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them. You know about mum and Rob, don't you."

Despite all the secrets I had been harbouring for the past two years, for some reason when questioned directly I just couldn't bring myself to lie to his face. Although I really did want him to know, I also knew that it probably wasn't for the best... but what choice did I have?

"Y... yes... I know." I turned my face towards the ground in shame, doing my best to avoid his disappointed gaze.

"Then why the interrogation?"

"I thought you needed to talk about it, but that the best way would be for you to come to me. I thought that if I told you that I already knew you'd think that there was some sort of conspiracy and then you'd never talk to me again." I spoke in barely a whisper and my cheeks flushed bright red. I really did feel ashamed... for everything.

"Conspiracy? Why would I think there was a conspiracy?"

He paused as if coming to some sort of realisation, "Oh my god, this isn't the first time is it?" He then threw his head in his hands and in that moment it was as if his whole world had crumbled.

"I... uh..." I didn't know what to say. I couldn't possibly lie to him, not now, but the truth was just so bazaar, so unreal that it didn't even bare mentioning.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, this can not be happening! How long has it been going on? How...? Why am I even asking this? I don't want to know..."

Christopher was starting to go out of his mind. He began trembling uncontrollably as his world crumbled and he desperately tried to make sense of the insane.

At this point I had to pull rank and I slipped into my big sister routine. I hated to do it. Last time Rob tried something like this he got his nose broken, but I doubted Chris would hit me. He was, after all, a gentleman and wouldn't dream of hitting a lady... at least I hoped he was a gentleman.

So it was with some reservation that I put my arm over his shoulder in an attempt to hug him. Just as before he immediately pulled away, but I yanked him back by the scruff and threw my other arm round his neck, forcing him into a 'warm' embrace.

"Chris, calm down and let me explain."

"There is no possible way you can make this right."

"I don't want to make it right, but if you shut up and listen then maybe I can answer a few of your questions."

Christopher said nothing in response, although I think that was more to do with the fact that he was so confused he didn't know what to say. I lightly touched his chin and brought his eyes up to meet mine. For a split second I considered kissing him and getting my feelings out in the open once and for all, but instead I stared into his beautiful blue eyes and allowed myself to get lost for a moment.

"So... I'm listening." He said, finally, and I suddenly realised I was allowing myself to get carried away.

"I'm going to lay my cards on the table here bro, and I need you to remain calm and hear what I have to say. You might get a little freaked out, but you have to let me finish."

Christopher took a deep breath and nodded firmly. I got the feeling that he was suddenly placing a lot of trust in me and I didn't want to let him down. "Go on then. I'll bite. But this had better be a fucking good explanation."

I let my little brother free from our forced embrace and instead grabbed his hands firmly. It was sort of meant as a bonding gesture, but at the same time I didn't want to give him the chance to run. I know if I was in his position I'd have jumped up and run a mile.

"Well, Robert and mum love each other. Kind of like the way you and mum love each other, but different. About two years ago he and mum began getting closer. There was no real epiphany or sudden lustful moment, it just happened gradually and for seemingly no reason. I guess you could say it snuck up on them."

Christopher hung his head and closed his eyes tightly, obviously attempting to get unpleasant images out of his mind. I knew this was hard for him, but it had to be done. It was out in the open now and nothing would be gained by leaving the story half finished.

"Then... and this bit you'll find hard, so brace yourself... then I 'discovered' Robert."

"Discovered? Discovered how? What, like you walked in on him and mum?"

"Um, no. It was my 18th birthday and I was still a virgin..."

"Oh my god Jess, please no..."

"You said you'd let me finish...

And I didn't want to enter womanhood as a virgin. Robert and I always trusted one another implicitly. We 'experimented' a little as kids. You know how some kids go through the phase of playing doctor... well, that was me and Robert.

So, after my party, we went up to my room and we made love. It wasn't meant to be anything more than just a way of me becoming a woman, but as it turns out Robert was a very kind and tender lover."

"Jessica, please, I don't need to hear this."

Christopher pleaded with me, his eyes pleaded with me, every ounce of his being pleaded with me to stop, but I couldn't. It was no longer in my power to do so. I wanted... no, needed him to know. And I realised then that I had been waiting for this moment my whole life. The moment when I laid myself bare and my little brother knew the real me, as I am, as I wanted him to know me.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his soft blonde hair. His trembling came back and had worsened considerably. At that moment he was so sweet, so fragile.

"And since then we've been lovers." I spoke from my throat, in a deep whisper and Christopher closed his eyes, listening to the soft and comforting sounds of my suddenly husky voice. "At first we met in secret. Usually late at night when everyone else had gone to bed. But part of me wanted to get caught, so I started getting bolder. Sometimes we would do it during the day, sometimes I would leave the door open... with you next door..."

"J... Jess, no..."

"I wanted you to see me." Oh my god. I couldn't believe I had just told him that. Yes I wanted him to know the real me, but there were limits. But it was too late now. All I wanted was for him to know me, everything about me, and I wanted his approval. I wanted 'him'. "It has always been you, little brother. I love Robert dearly, but it has always been you."

Christopher suddenly stood and shook his hand free of my grasp. He then gave me a look that I'll never forget. It was as if in the last few minutes he had suddenly taken to hating me.

"I thought I knew you Jess." He said, after a painfully long pause. "I thought you could be trusted. I never understood the family, I was always on the outside looking in. It was alway Robert, Jessica, mum and dad.

I didn't have much to keep me going, but at the very least I thought I knew you." He paused again and looked away, seemingly unable to bare the sight of me, "I guess I was wrong."

I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't even want to. Right now I just wished with all my heart that I hadn't let him see the real me, because the real me was disgusting to him. "Chris..."

He ignored me, turned and left. I didn't bother calling after him. I knew it wouldn't help. I also knew that I'd never see him again.

Chapter 6

After four months and a painfully long term at uni, I was back home for Christmas. Fortunately my birthday fell just inside of the festive season, so I got to spend both days with my family and friends.

Nobody had seen or heard from Christopher since the summer. Adam had kept us posted of his progress, but then he had to. Mum wouldn't leave the poor guy alone.

Apparently, with no family to fall back on times were hard and Christopher had been forced to give up his uni position to find full time work. Of course, Adam's parents had offered to put him up until he had finished uni, but Chris, being fiercely independent and stupidly stubborn, wouldn't hear of it, and he moved into his own place as soon as he was able.

In all I was glad to hear he was at least alive, but the months away had done nothing to quell my passion for him. Every time I heard his name mentioned my heart still skipped a beat.

Anyway, tomorrow was my birthday, but being that it fell on a Sunday, and everyone had to be back at work the next day, we decided to hold my party tonight to give everyone time to recover.

Mum was hurriedly rushing around trying to get things ready while dad did his best to put up the decorations. Robert sat on his big, fat arse and did nothing. No surprise there then.

I did my best to chip in, but my mind was elsewhere. This would be the first birthday I'd have had without my little brother there, and it felt horrible. To be honest, all those years he was here, he kind of wasn't... if you catch my drift. He just sort of blended into the background and never really made his presence known, but I was always grateful of his being there. He was like a safety net that I could always fall back on should the rest of the world turn mad and I felt the urge to jump, so to speak.

He was always there... and now he wasn't... and now there was a big empty hole where my heart used to be.

Me and my stupid big mouth.

Mum had just finished laying out the last of the food and dad was still struggling with the balloons when the first of the guests arrived.

The first in line were my girlfriends from school. Robert's ears immediately pricked up as they entered the room and he began stalking the house like a predator. I don't know why he bothered though. All my girlfriends fancied the arse off my older brother. All he had to do was click his fingers and the little sluts would simply lay down for him.

I used to find that to be one of his more attractive qualities. Not so much anymore though.

There was another ring of the doorbell and Adam entered in his usual cocksure manner.

"Hey gorgeous." And with that he handed me a tightly bound package in girly pink wrapping paper and kissed me on the cheek. Adam could be such a sap at times. "How's the birthday thing going?"

"Great so far sweetie. But I doubt I'll get what I really want."

"None of us ever do." He replied with a wink.

"So, how's Chris? Is he looking after himself?"

"Yeah... he's doing ok. He's a tough cookie."

"I don't know. I think he acts tough..."

"Trust me Jess, he's fine. He always comes up smelling of roses."

"Yeah... maybe."

The party was proceeding smoothly, the music was loud, the alcohol flowing, the dance floor was packed... but I really couldn't enjoy it. It all seemed so 'empty'.

"Happy birthday Jess." At first I thought it was simply the figment of a wishful heart's imaginings, but as I turned and fixed my eyes on my little brother, I knew it to be true.

"Chris!"

I quickly flung my arms around him and it was as if he had never left. The hole inside had suddenly gotten a lot smaller and the relief I felt was undeniable.

Adam watched us with a smug grin on his face and I could tell he had engineered this meeting. I mouthed a 'thank you' in his general direction and he responded with a silent nod.

For the next few hours I barely broke physical contact with him. When I wasn't holding his hand I was hugging him, when I wasn't hugging him I had my arm round him.

Mum spent most of the night running round after him, and although things were obviously strained, she at least managed to get a mother's hug out of him, that is as opposed to a lover's hug, which would have been asking far too much.

He even managed to say more than a few words to Robert without slugging him, although Robert didn't turn his back on him for the entire duration of the party... which was understandable really.

At the end of the night most of the guests had left, Robert had escorted one of my friends up to his room and I was still clutching my little brother's hand fiercely. I didn't ever want to let him go again, but I wasn't given a choice in the matter as dad came over and pulled him away for a secret 'father to son' chat.

I knew I shouldn't have listened in, but frankly I couldn't help it... and apparently nor could my mother, whom I found sitting outside the study with her ear pressed up against the door.

"So son. How's things?"

There was a short pause.

"About as well as can be expected."

"Do you need any money."

There was another short pause and I imagined Christopher to be sizing up my father as the conversation progressed, as if he didn't want to give too much away too soon.

"No."

"Well, you seem to have prospered in the big wide world..."

"I would appreciate it if you didn't patronise me."

"Fine, then I wont waste any more of your time." My father's tone changed as if he were indignant at the suggestion. "Your mother misses you, Jessica misses you and I'm sure even Robert misses you in his own little way. So, what will it take to get you back in our lives?"

"You could start by telling me the truth."