The Boyfriend Pt. 33

XXXIII: Dr. Cardaso

Blake

Blake let out a deep breath as she sat down on the plush, comfy couch, and forced a smile across the table at the therapist. She found it hard to truly relax or get comfortable.

"So, Blake, is this your first time in a therapy session?"

Blake shook her head and looked the therapist up and down.

Dr. Cardaso was a plump woman in her forties with dark skin, and hair without any grey in it despite the crinkles at the corners of her eyes and mouth. She wore a dusty blue pencil skirt and jacket over a white blouse, with a light-charcoal infinity scarf topping it off. Blake knew that the choice of clothing--both the color lack of any pattern--was meant to be calming and neutral, like the sage green walls and the few plants dotting the room.

"My mom and my high school made me see a therapist when my dad went to jail."

Dr. Cardaso was very good at her job. Not a hint of surprise, judgement, or pity on her face. Just understanding and compassion.

Why does that still make me uncomfortable?

"Is that something you would like to talk about?"

Blake shook her head again, "No. Not yet, at least. I have a few more...pressing things I would like to talk about first."

Dr. Cardaso smiled, "That's fine. What would you like to talk about, then."

Even though Blake had already committed this far to therapy, she still had to force the words out. They sounded so immature.

"I want to work on opening up to my boyfriend. It's...hard for me to do that in general, but I want to move forward with him and make sure he knows the real me instead of just a face I put on for everyone."

"Well, let's start with that, then. Can you describe the 'face' you put on?"

Blake took a deep breath.

"I don't think it's that different than what everyone else does. It's the one that disguises how much of a mess I am--that says everything is okay, things might even be good, or great. And..."

Blake paused for a moment, "I don't put that on all the time in front of him. I've let him see me when I've been in a bad place, or told him or asked him for help when I've felt awful."

"But you don't feel that's enough?"

Blake shook her head, "I know it isn't."

"Has something he's said made you hold back? Or even just a way he may have reacted without realizing?"

"No. He's really wonderful. I'm already a lot to deal with, and I made sure he knew that before we started dating, and we had one misunderstanding, but he's been really great so far."

"Can you tell me a bit more about what you mean by that? Most people who are more self-aware can think that they're 'a lot to deal with', as you put it."

Blake sighed, "I'm a sex worker. A cam model. Before we started dating or doing anything physical, I told him it was something I was going to keep doing, and that if I quit, it wouldn't be because of him."

She let the statement hang in the air, waiting for the judgement, or the "ah, I see why you need therapy" look.

Dr. Cardaso just nodded and gave her a tight smile, "That's not something a lot of men are secure enough in themselves to deal with in a relationship. Was the misunderstanding you had over jealousy?"

Blake shook her head, "No. I--"

Her throat tightened at the memory, and Blake had to close her eyes and take a deep breath to banish the feeling of how gross and uncomfortable in her own skin that encounter had made her.

"I got recognized while I was with him, and he didn't handle it in the way I would have, and it wasn't something I had wanted his help with. I'd told him when laying out what he would have to deal with that there are things I need to handle on my own, and I don't need or want him rushing in like a white knight to help me with."

Dr. Cardaso nodded, and Blake held back a frown as she realized her heart was beating faster than it had been a few minutes ago.

Fuck.

"I can understand that mentality," the doctor said, "It's only natural for a partner to want to protect or help you in a situation like that."

Blake nodded, "I know. We got through that. And things have been going really well."

"Is there something that prompted you to seek therapy, then?"

Blake sighed and tried to ignore the tightness in her voice as she spoke, "A lot of things hit me all at once the other day. I ran into my ex, who things were really bad with. I have some baggage with my mom that hit me that day that I also need to talk about at some point--we didn't have a good relationship and she died about a month ago."

Dr. Cardaso nodded, "I want to ask how that relates to your current partner in a moment, but as for your ex, was this an abusive relationship?"

"Not physically. And honestly, I'm not even sure if it was an emotionally abusive one. It might have been him manipulating me, with or without realizing it, but I might have also been seeking that out. I know it wasn't right want he did, but given how stupid and bad at making decisions teenagers are, I don't know if I can say it was wrong."

Blake swallowed, then forced a bit of a smile, "I'm probably going to want to talk about that at some point, too."

Dr. Cardaso nodded, "And how does that relate to opening up to your current partner?"

"Because he doesn't know about any of it," Blake said, voice raw.

She sighed, "Sorry, I just--"

"No need to apologize, Blake," Dr. Cardaso said, "This is a safe space."

Blake forced a smile at that, then took a deep breath.

"Liam--my boyfriend--he knows about my mom, but it took me a week or two to tell him after I found out, and I only did that because one of my friends kept telling me I needed to. He doesn't know about my dad or my ex or..."

"Did he react poorly when you told him about your mom?"

Blake shook her head, "No. He was amazing. He just let me vent and be upset about it. And asked if there was anything I needed. He was really understanding."

"Why do you think it took you so long to tell him? Grief can sometimes--"

"It wasn't grief. Sorry, but I know it wasn't that."

"It sounds like you know what it was."

Blake nodded, swallowing, "It's because I was terrified. I didn't go to her funeral, because I didn't--still don't--want anything to do with her. And I knew Liam would ask about the funeral when I told him she was dead, and I didn't want him to think that I'm a fucking terrible person for not going to my mom's funeral. And no, I don't want to get into the stuff between my mom and I just yet. I--"

Blake took another deep breath that was almost a sob. Her eyes were hot, but the words wanted to come out.

"I'm afraid that if I tell Liam about my dad and my ex and everything else that's fucked about my life, he'll think it's way too much for him to handle, and just leave, which he honestly, probably should."

"Has he ever expressed anything like that to you so far?"

Blake swallowed, "No. But like I said, I haven't shared much. And I know I'm fucked up, okay? So don't BS me and try to tell me I'm not."

To Blake's surprise, Dr. Cardaso snorted at that.

"Everybody's 'fucked up', Blake. Even me. I'd be a poor therapist if I didn't acknowledge that."

Blake blinked, "I wasn't expecting that."

Dr. Cardsaso smiled, leaning back in her chair, "What I can tell you is that everybody's idea of 'fucked up' is relative. You seem to have had some major events in your life that led to what you think about yourself, but there are other people out there who have both parents alive and well that they have good relationships with, who don't have any major stigmas they have to deal with and have either never had a partner, or have only had relationships they look upon fondly, who would consider themselves just as 'fucked up' as you consider yourself, if not more. I guarantee your partner has thought the same thing about himself at least once in his life, if not in the same terms."

Blake thought for a moment that Liam couldn't possibly have experienced anything close to her, but then she frowned.

The whole religious school thing has seemed a bit of a sore spot for him at times. And the stuff he's said about his family...

Blake pushed those thoughts away for later turning her attention back to the therapist.

"Still," she said, "That doesn't change how scared I am of what he'll think of me when I tell him. Even if he doesn't reject me, I don't want him pitying me or anything like that. I know it's not rational, but..."

Dr. Cardaso smiled, "Rationale very rarely makes a difference in emotional matters like this, as much as we would wish otherwise."

She studied Blake for a moment, then leaned forward, "Talking about your relationship might help. Would it be okay if we started there?"

Blake nodded, and smiled as she remembered the first time she and Liam met, and the deer-in-headlights look that had come over his face.

A/N: I hope you guys are enjoying getting into Blake's past a bit more!